• Published 15th Oct 2016
  • 14,948 Views, 72 Comments

A Rainbow's Hidden Color - TaylorTheFailure



Rainbow has a secret that she's been hiding from you for months.

  • ...
27
 72
 14,948

A Hint at Something

Author's Note:

If you could, I'd really appreciate some feedback on this. I've never written anything close to this before and just wanted to try it out. Thanx!

You wake up to the familiar feeling of comfortable sheets- soft sunlight pours through the window. The covers slide off slowly as you sit up, there's a great big yawn somewhere in your throat, and knobbly creaking in your arms as you stretch them. You slowly turn your head towards the nightstand. On top of it is a clock: through half-lidded eyes, you see that it's time to get up.

Standing up, you walk over to the nearest window and peer outside. And just like every other morning, you are caught off guard by the sight of colorful ponies walking throughout the town. It's still a strange view for you, considering that you've only been here for a couple weeks. But, you imagine that it must be just as strange for the ponies whose world you "invaded."

Anyway, once you are done with the view, you head to the kitchen and fix yourself a cup of coffee to help wake up. The bitter drink, with cubes of sugar, always gives you the attentiveness and energy you need to attack the day full of animated ponies.

As you drink your deliciously brewed elixir, your thoughts begin to wander on about how you are going to spend the day.

On most days, since your arrival, you'd just hang out with an awesome pony by the name of Rainbow Dash, or Rainbow for short. She reminded you of some of your best friends back home, which immediately allowed you to be more comfortable around her. She seemed to have a tomboyish personality as well, which allowed the two of you to do a lot of cool activities that none of the other ponies were really able or willing to do.

Unfortunately though, she said she was busy today, something about moving the clouds or something. You still think it's pretty ridiculous that these ponies believe that they have to control the climate or else it won't do anything. But whatever, you don't feel like one to judge.

Sadly though, the question still remains of what you're going to do with your day.

Maybe you could finally take up Applejack on her offer about working at the farm. She seemed like a nice pony and said she'd be able to pay you well for the work you did. But, you had initially declined because you still felt overwhelmed after being transported to this strange world. Come to think of it, you still felt a little uneasy about just looking out your window every morning, so maybe you could still use some more time to adjust.

So what about Twilight? She's been so interested in you ever since you've somehow wounded up here. When she figured out that you could speak, she'd been asking non-stop to question you about your life and Earth. But, every time the thought of earth or your past life crossed your mind, you would go into a state of depression, as if someone was jabbing at your insides. It was tough and still is tough for you, so maybe you're not quite there yet.

Then who else could you hangout with? There wasn't really anybody that you wanted to spend your time with that was actually available. Maybe you would just end up getting some more food to stock up on. That way, when Rainbow has time to hang out, you'll have all the snacks you need to have a killer time.

With that in mind, you finished your cup of warm coffee and headed to your room. You changed out of the softness of your pajamas and into something more suitable to been seen in in public. With blue jeans and a light gray shirt, you headed out of your house and to the market.

As you walked through the small village, you couldn't help but feel a little bit nervous as every pony who you saw had their eyes locked on you. Their gazes weren't filled with worry or fear as they were before when you first encountered these small ponies, but they still seemed as intrigued by your uniqueness.

Anyway, once you arrived to the small market in town, you immediately went to the pony's stand who you were always comfortable with: Applejack. She might only sell apples and apple-based products, but she was the only pony who you didn't feel like was screwing you over with the prices. Plus, the food she sold was always amazing.

"Hey AJ," you say as you approach Applejack's stand, "Got anything good?"

"Ay there Anon," she says, waving a hoof at you. "I've got all the usual goods: apples, apple-pies, apple fritters, apple dumplings, apple crisps..."

"How about an apple pie?" you interrupt.

"Sure thing Anon," replies Applejack, who grabs one from behind her and gives it to you. "That'll be two bits please."

Puzzled, you stop and exert a confused expression. "Two bits?" you question.

"Yessiree."

"But it was four last time."

"Well, reckon that you've been a normal customer, and that you've been good to my friends, I decided it's about high time that you get a bit of a discount," she responds.

"Thanks AJ!"

"It's 'bout the least I could do."

After taking the pie, you thank her one last time before scurrying off to another vendor for more snacks. You went to several different traders before finally deciding to head home.

By the time you left the market, there were two full bags of snacks in your hands. Every piece of food seemed strangely out of place since there was just a bunch of random food from each vendor stuffed in your bags.

As you were nearing your home, you saw a familiar cyan and rainbow-maned pegasus standing at the door. She was racing between the numerous windows outside, intently peering through each one, trying to see if someone was home.

As you viewed this pony's frantic motion, a mischievous plot crept its way into your mind, spreading a grin on your face. You put down your two bags of food and slowly sneaked your way to her, making sure that she didn't notice your presence. And then, once you were close enough, you stopped and exhaled a loud yell while pricking her sides with your fingers.

"AAAAHHH!" Rainbow screamed, jumping back in pure fright.

Her reaction gave you a good laugh, and she couldn't help but chuckle a bit herself as well.

"I'm going to get you back for that," Rainbow said, a plan obviously developing in her mind.

"I know," you responded with a small grin on your face. "But I'm surprised to see you. I thought you were busy with weather duties today," you continued with a confused look.

Rainbow began, "Well I was, but since I'm the fastest flier in all of Equestria, I was able to get the work done pretty fast," she said, with a confident face and puffed out chest.

You just rolled your eyes at the cocky mare. "Whatever you say Rainbow," you responded, roughing up her hair with your hand. Rainbow blushed a little at the gesture.

As you were about to go back for your grocery bags, Rainbow spoke up again, "Hey, so, since I just finished with the weather, and if you're not doing anything right now, I was wondering if we could hangout?" she said in a hurried manner.

Picking up your groceries, you turned to her. "Sure, that'd be fun. Plus, I just went and got some snacks," you say, showing her the contents of the bags you had picked up from the market.

"Sweet! I was hoping we might be able to go see a movie in a bit," Rainbow said.

Looking at Rainbow with a jokingly confused look, you began "But the snacks!"

"Don't worry about the snacks," Rainbow said with a smile. "Plus the movie we're going to see is worth all the snacks in the world!"

"Okay, but don't try and make any moves on me!" you say jokingly, as you approach your front door. You passed by Rainbow, unable to see the buildup of red covering her face after your response.

You walked inside and set the groceries on the kitchen counter before facing Rainbow once more.

"You ready?" she asked eagerly.

It seemed like she really wanted to see this movie for whatever reason.

"Sure, but what are we seeing?"

"You'll see," she said, waiting by the front door.

Shrugging, you followed her outside and back onto the dirt path of the village.

You two walked together for a couple minutes, making small talk as you got closer to Ponyville's Theater. You passed numerous ponies who neither of you payed any attention to. Or at least until Rainbow's gaze met a happy stallion and mare, sitting together and enjoying a nice meal. They were obviously a couple. Rainbow stopped, as her attention was fully focused on the two ponies. She watched as the ponies laughed, ate lunch and were all-around just happy to be around each other. You could hear as Rainbow exhaled a deep sigh at the sight.

Seeing that Rainbow was obviously distraught by something, you gingerly asked "Is everything okay?"

Your question shook Rainbow from her trance.

"Y-Yeah... I'm fine," she said in a saddened tone.

You've never seen her like this before. You were used to her competitive, cocky and fun personality, and this was not it. There was obviously something bothering her, and you were going to figure out what it was. You began, "Rainbow, I can definitely tell something is bothering you. What is it? You know I'm here for you."

Rainbow seemed like she was about to say something before she quickly halted herself. "No, you'd think it was stupid."

"If it's bothering you this much, then it's definitely not stupid," you said, trying to convince her to open up.

Rainbow looked at you with an appreciative grin before taking in a deep breath. "Okay," she began, "but you better not laugh."

"I won't," you said with worry about your best friend evident in your face.

"W-Well, there's this stallion I like, and I'm just worried he doesn't feel the same way about me."

As soon as Rainbow said this, you bursted out laughing, tears rolling down your face.

"You said you wouldn't laugh!" she uttered, anger present in her eyes.

With hints of laughter escaping your words you began, "I know, but that's just so ridiculous."

Furious, Rainbow responded, "Why is that ridiculous!?"

Taken back by how angered your friend was, your laughter stopped. "W-Well, I'm just not sure why you'd be worried about something like that. You're one of the coolest ponies I know, and I think any stallion would be lucky to have you."

Rainbow's raging gaze disappeared, replaced by a coat of blushes that covered her entire face red. "Oh..." is all she was able to mutter.

A long silence existed between the two of you, finally broken when you decided to speak up. "So who are you planning on asking?" you questioned playfully.

It was still a little bit strange to you that in Equestria, gender roles seemed to be flip. Mares were the more commanding and protective ones in a relationship, who had to ask out the stallions and follow similar cultural norms to that of men back on Earth. Twilight explained this to you when you two first started discussing the societal differences of Equestria and Earth. Twilight had mentioned that a big reason for this was Equestria's ratio of mares to stallions which was overwhelmingly dominated by mares.

Anyway, once you had asked Rainbow who she was asking out, she replied "A special stallion..."

Knowing that it would be hard just to have her tell you the stallion's name, you decided to push aside the question for another time.

"Would you tell me after the movie then?" you asked.

Rainbow paused for a moment, a hoof placed under her chin. "Maybe. It depends how I feel..." she said with a joker's smile.

She seemed to be cheering up a bit, giving you satisfaction that you had inspirited your friend.

And with that, Rainbow and you continued on your trek to the theater. Once you were in range, you approached the door and were about to open it, when a cyan blur raced in front of you. Rainbow hurriedly opened the door and kept it agape for you.

"Thanks," you say, moving your way through the entrance. Rainbow follows inside after you, and led the way to the correct theater.

As Rainbow and you walked throughout the cinema, you looked at the numerous titles of movies playing in their corresponding theaters, wondering which thriller you were going to see. There were movies such as Con Mane, Sass Squash and 10 Hooffield Lane, upon numerous other pony-puns that you found amusing.

Finally, Rainbow stopped at a theater. Your eyes trailed from her, to the title of the movie she was standing in front of. It was How to lose a Mare in 10 Days. With a puzzled, and obviously concerned look, you turned to Rainbow.

"Uh, this isn't a rom-com, is it?" you asked, hoping that she was just playing around.

"Hey!" she started, "These movies aren't all that bad."

You paused a moment, surprised that she was actually serious. "I'm just surprised that you like these kind of films," you responded.

"Well, I don't know," she began, "I feel like I can kind of relate to the mares. Plus, I heard that stallions love rom-coms," she said with a growing smile.

"Well, I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not a stallion, or really a pony in general," you remarked.

Rainbow's expression changed into one of sadness and disappointment at your response, her voice cracking with distress. "Oh.... If you don't want to see it, I won't force you to," she said, her dejected gaze turning towards the ground.

You felt like a jerk for making Rainbow feel so bad.

"Fine. I'll watch it... under one condition," you said.

Rainbow's face lit up, revealing just how much seeing this movie with you meant to her. "Sure, anything," she responded.

"I think I'm going to need some popcorn," you said with a sly smile.

"On it," Rainbow said before bursting off for the concession. And before you knew it, the cyan pegasus had reappeared at your side with a massive bag of the salty treat.

"Thanks Rainbow," you said, taking the bag of popcorn in your hands.

"Ready?" she asked, ushering towards the rom-com's theater.

"Sure," you responded with a mouthful of popcorn.

Once the two of you made your way into the theater, Rainbow led you to a seat in one of the upper rows and sat down in the middle.

Sitting down, you couldn't help but smile at Rainbow's obvious eagerness to see this movie. Looking up at you, she returned the happy expression, before the curtains opened and the movie began.

Throughout the first quarter of the film, the theater (you included), bursted out laughing at the antics and punch lines. It was as if ponies had an unbelievable talent for making this genre enjoyable for you. Anyways, as the movie continued, there were many more references to romance and all that jargon that you didn't really understand. And whenever, you looked to see Rainbow, her eyes were deadly focused on the film, her face sometimes flushing red.

Every once in a while though, you could see Rainbow staring at you out of the corner of your eye. She looked like she was unsure, and maybe a little bit hesitant for whatever reason. She didn't seem like her usual self, but then again, she'd been acting really strange today. You'd make sure that you figured out what was plaguing her after the movie. You thought that it must be that stallion she was talking about. Maybe that's why she wanted to see this movie, to learn how to act in a romantic relationship. The very thought of Rainbow being romantic made you chuckle to yourself.

After your thoughts had fully vacated, you turned your full attention back to the movie. You could tell that the movie was reaching its climax. The mare and stallion were slowly approaching each other, obviously moving in for a kiss. And as the characters did so, so did numerous couples of ponies around you. You winced, slightly disgusted by the act.

You were taken back by the weirdness of your position. And then, you could feel as two cyan hooves wrapped around your head, turning you to face Rainbow. You couldn't of been more confused as you stared at her. She was blushing uncontrollably, turning her cyan fur into a rosy color. Before you could say anything, Rainbow pressed her lips against yours. So many thoughts ran through your head, but they were nothing in comparison to the intense embrace of Rainbow's vanilla-tasting lips. The feeling of pure bliss lasted for only a few seconds before she pulled away.

As she slowly moved away from you, you realized that your face was flushed just as red as hers. You still couldn't believe what just happened. Not only did your best friend kiss you, but a PONY kissed you! Yet, it seemed so right.

The confusion on your face was evident, as Rainbow spoke up, "I-I'm guessing you weren't expecting that," she said.

You just shook your head, a look of true bewilderment still present on your face.

"Well.... Did you like it?" she asked, hoping for your approval.

You slowly nodded, still struggling to speak.

Her smile widened. Giddily, she asked, "So... does that mean you will?"

You didn't understand what she meant. You expressed your confusion with a confounded look at her.

"W-Will you be my stallion?"

You froze, everything from today making sense. You were the so-called "stallion" she was interested in, reinforced by the kiss you two had just shared. But then, you began slowly processing her question, trying to figure if it was wrong to date a pony. It seemed like everything that you had grown up around on Earth told you that it wasn't right. Then again, you weren't on Earth, you were in some magical land of talking ponies where one wanted to date you. As ridiculous as it might be, she loved you! And you really did like her, but you weren't sure if this was how.

Rainbow was growing uneasy at how long it was taking you to answer her question. Concern began to wrap around her face. She needed a response and quickly.

Your mind was forced to make a decision, and deep down, you knew that it would have to be the right one, because you would never have this opportunity again. Then you spoke.

"I-I'll be yours," you said.

Rainbow's face immediately developed a smile that engulfed most of her face. She began to tear up as she leaned in for another quick kiss. She then retracted her lips and pulled you into a hug. You embraced her in your arms and sat their, loving her scent and the warmth that she radiated.

For the rest of the movie, you sat in each other's warm embrace. You felt happy and at peace that you had made the right decision. You knew this was what you wanted. And now, you would be able to live out the rest of your days with a pony you loved and who saw you as their entire world.

Comments ( 72 )

Dawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that was nice ( I would have said cute but I dispise that word)

Not to shabby

Anything that makes my dashie happy makes me happy. Good job.

good job, like damn good man, 7/10, got to say rushed a bit, BUT made up it the comedy and good word choice so yeah good job

Short, sweet, and fluffy... I loved it! :twilightsmile:

It would be interesting to see what you could do with the rest of the Mane 6. :raritywink:

you've somehow wounded up here.

*you somehow wound up here*

Im not fully certain that's the right spelling of wound but im just going on a hunch, as the sentance threw me off from the immersion
Good story though! Short and sweet!
Sincerely,
MorningStarTheMage

The fluff is strong with this one. Have an upwards pointing thumb.

Nice story. It is a little better than my stories.

Nice story. It is a little better than my stories.

Argh. The cuteness is over powering. ~hug

Story plot seems a bit familiar..... :rainbowhuh:

7643282 I'm glad you liked it. I got inspired to do it after your last story!

7643424 Yeah, I'm sorry if it felt rushed. Making lengthy chapters/stories has been a flaw of mine, but I'm glad you were still able to enjoy it! :pinkiehappy:

7643915 Thank you! I had no idea it got featured! :twilightsheepish:

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for having enjoyed this story. I really wasn't expecting such a positive response from all of you wonderful people. But, this was definitely a great way to wake up in the morning! I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your days!

I love this story, but as you said in your note, you wanted some feedback. I think you did job describing what was going on in the beginning and the end, but in the middle of the story, it felt kind of rushed. I know that it's supposed to be a one chapter story, but you could've gone into more detail in the middle. I have a feeling that you were rushed to get to the part where Rainbow kisses the reader, but you could've been more patient. Again, i'm not trying to say you're a bad writer, because you're not, i'm just giving you feedback. Anyway, in future stories just slow down a bit and it'll be perfect in my eyes. Great Story!!

7644064 I really do appreciate the feedback.

I'll be sure to try and fix it in the future. I've been told a lot that my writing can seem rushed at points, which I can understand. I appreciate that you told me where in the story this happens.

In any case, I'm glad that you were still able to enjoy it! :pinkiehappy:

Neat story! But... damn it I'm tired of these clichés. Oblivious Anon about Rainbro and the "coffee is magic elixir from the gods" bullshit. Sorry for that but I had to let it out :fluttershysad:

I must say this is EXTREMELY clichéd. But sweet nonetheless! :rainbowkiss:

7644191 Trust me, it's completely understandable. This was more of an exercise for me cause I've never done something like this.

7644199 That's really cool of you, thanks :pinkiesmile: I like your story, at least it wasn't dragged out and had a thousand moments of Dash being a total love-struck goof.

Comment posted by TaylorTheFailure deleted Oct 15th, 2016
MJP
MJP #23 · Oct 15th, 2016 · · 5 ·

Id like to meet the bitch who though 2nd person self-insert fics are good writing

MJP
MJP #24 · Oct 15th, 2016 · · 5 ·

7644206 delete this

Self-insert is just lazy writing

That was pretty good,Cut and fluffy a good combo. And I could totally see Dash liking rom-coms...tho she would never admit it to her friends.

Good story, but it can get a bit boring at times and the whole 'Anon' thing bothers me a little with how overused it's getting. Just some advice, and otherwise I enjoyed the story :twilightsheepish:

7644367 Yea, the whole 'Anon' thing is still a foreign concept for me. I just wanted to experiment with the whole 2nd person and Romance genre because I've never written anything like this before. But, I do appreciate the feedback!

Unf

7644315 And insults are lazy criticism.

We can agree that second-person, self-insert stories are not as creative, and thought provoking as other genres. Namely stories that expand on the world, and have a message to tell. But that doesn't excuse you from being courteous, and patient when it comes to giving the author some advice. No one wants to listen to a dick; all they do is frighten little girls, and make a mess.

7644376
NP. I hope to see more stories from you, I do like your style overall! :ajsmug:

Good story, but there's one nitpick I have:

MLP Ponies are different from Real Life Horses and have some traits that Humans also have, such as using their forelegs like arms and legs, vomiting :pinkiesick:, and being able to live like Humans. So I like to think of them as an Alien species that're called Equestrians rather than Ponies.

To me, it makes less awkward and more of how Humans from Star Wars, Star Trek, or even Mass Effect can fall in love with different Alien Species.

Well, 'TaylorTheFailure', looks like you've finally succeeded. Look at you there... standing proudly in the featured box. Kudos to you, my friend. HUZZAH!!

7644620 Lol. Thank you very much!

So what about Twilight? She's been so interested in you ever since you've somehow wounded up here. When she figured out that you could speak, she'd been asking non-stop to question you about your life and Earth. But, every time the thought of earth or your past life crossed your mind, you went into a depression, as if someone was jabbing at your insides. It was tough and still is tough for you, so maybe you're not quite there yet.

The line with depression should be (in my opinion...) say, "You would go into a state of depression."

"Ay there Anon," she says, waving a hoof at you. "I've got all the usual goods: apples, apple-pies, apple fritters, apple dumplings, apple crisps..."
"How about an apple pie" you interrupt.
"Sure thing Anon" replies Applejack, who grabs one from behind her and gives it to you. "That'll be two bits please."

There should be a comma after "Sure thing Anon," and a question mark after "How about apple-pie?"
You should also use a dash after apple-crisps to show a cutoff in Applejack's sentence.

"Well, reckon that you've been a normal customer, and that you've been good to my friends, I decided it's about high time that you get a bit of a discount" she responds.

A comma after discount.

"I'm going to get you back for that" Rainbow said, a plan obviously developing in her mind.
"I know," you responded with a small grin on your face. "But I'm surprised to see you. I thought you were busy with weather duties today" you continued with a confused look.
Rainbow began, "Well I was, but since I'm the fastest flier in all of Equestria, I was able to get the work done pretty fast" she said, with a confident face and puffed out chest.
You just rolled your eyes at the cocky mare. "Whatever you say Rainbow" you responded, roughing up her hair with your hand. Rainbow blushed a little at the gesture.

Commas after each sentence both characters said.

Picking up your groceries, you turned to her. "Sure, that'd be fun. Plus, I just went and got some snacks" you say, showing her the contents of the bags you had picked up from the market.
"Sweet! I was hoping we might be able to go see a movie in a bit" Rainbow said.
Looking at Rainbow with a jokingly confused look, you began "But the snacks!"
"Don't worry about the snacks" Rainbow said with a smile. "Plus the movie we're going to see is worth all the snacks in the world!"

Commas, once again. Or periods.

"You'll see" she said, waiting by the front door.

"Y-Yeah... I'm fine" she said in a saddened tone.

Commas...
For the response Rainbow gives, you might want to revise it like this: "She said in a somewhat saddened tone."

"W-Well, there's this stallion I like, and I'm just worried he doesn't feel the same way about me."
As soon as Rainbow said this, you bursted out laughing, tears rolling down your face.

*facepalms cause MC is stupid, but okai

Anyway, once you had asked Rainbow who she was asking out, she replied "A special stallion."

Might want to change the period to ellipses, or three periods to show a unsure/shy response.

Rainbow paused for a moment, a hoof placed under her chin. "Maybe. It depends how I feel" she said with a joker's smile.

Ellipses again, and it should be like "It depends on how I feel..."

"Thanks," you say, moving your way through the entrance. Rainbow follows inside after you, and leads the way to the correct theater.

"Leads" should be past-tense. "... and led the way to the correct theater."

"Hey!" she started, "These movies aren't all that bad."

leapmeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/16341454435750.jpg

You paused a moment, surprised that she was actually serious. "I'm just surprised that you like these kind of films" you responded.
"Well, I don't know," she began, "I feel like I can kind of relate to the mares. Plus, I heard that stallions love rom-coms" she said with a growing smile.
"Well, I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not a stallion, or really a pony in general" you remarked.
Rainbow's expression changed into one of sadness and disappointment at your response, her voice cracking with distress. "Oh.... If you don't want to see it, I won't force you to" she said, her dejected gaze turning towards the ground.
You felt like a jerk for making Rainbow feel so bad.
"Fine. I'll watch it... under one condition" you said.
Rainbow's face lit up, revealing just how much seeing this movie with you meant to her. "Sure, anything" she responded.
"I think I'm going to need some popcorn" you said with a sly smile.

Commas, damnit... x3
And you cannot deny cute Rainbow Dash~!

Throughout the first quarter of the film, the theater (you included), bursted out laughing at the antics and punch lines. It was as if ponies had an unbelievable talent for making this genre enjoyable for you. Anyways, as the movie continued, there were many more references to romance and all that jargon that you didn't really understand. And whenever, you looked to see Rainbow, her eyes were deadly focused on the film. Her face sometimes flushing red.

After "...deadly focused on the film...", change the period to a comma, and 'Her' lowercased.

After your thoughts had fully vacated, you turned your full attention back to the movie. You could tell that the movie was reaching its climax. The mare and stallion were slowly approaching each other, obviously moving in for a kiss. And as the characters did so, so did numerous couples of ponies around you. Eww, gross!

Change the last part of the sentence to this: "You winced, slightly disgusted by the act."
The way you put that last part made it sound like you were in it...

The confusion on your face was evident, as Rainbow spoke up, "I-I'm guessing you weren't expecting that" she said.

"I-I'll be yours" you said.

Comma....

This was very good, (save for the commas...) as it stands in my top lists of Second POV. Congrats on getting into the featured box~! :twilightsmile:
*huggles

7644952 Thank you for taking the time to correct those mistakes. I'll be sure to fix them immediately (I have no idea how I missed so many damn commas). But I do appreciate it!

And I'm so grateful that this was somehow listed as featured! I definitely don't deserve it, but nonetheless, I couldn't be more happy! Thanx! :rainbowkiss:

10/10 - IGN

wlam #38 · Oct 16th, 2016 · · 2 ·

This was really mediocre. Not even anything particularly good or bad to say about it, it's just resoundingly "meh" all the way through.

There's nothing technically wrong with this story. Unfortunately, I've read this idea at least five times before, and it's been done better (and longer) elsewhere.

For writing things, try sentence varietyyy

You wake up to the familiar feeling of comfortable sheets and soft sunlight as it hits your face. You slowly remove the covers and sit up, yawning and stretching out your arms as you do so. Your eyes slowly find the clock on your night stand that lets you know that it's about time to get out of bed.

How about:

You wake up to the familiar feeling of comfortable sheets- soft sunlight pours through the window. The covers slide off slowly as you sit up, there's a great big yawn somewhere in your throat, or your mouth, and knobbly creaking in your arms as you stretch them. You slowly turn your head towards the nightstand. On top of it is a clock: through half-lidded eyes, you see that it's time to get up.

Oh, and even though I didn't avoid it in that paragraph...
Almost all your sentences have the word "you" in it.
Even though it's a second person view story thingie, try not to stress how much in the story "you" are.
I hope this helps. I also hope that I don't sound condescending, because my writing is not the best either.

7646358 I didn't find it condescending whatsoever. I really do appreciate the feedback, considering this was the first time I've ever tried something like this. I'll be sure to add those additions to the paragraph.

Thank you for the constructive criticism!

Nothing wrong with it grammatically, short, and sweet and to the point. If this was an experiment to see if you can write effectively in 2nd person, I would say that you succeeded. 2nd person perspective is, as others have noted, a difficult genre, mainly because it is extremely awkward. The trick to making fiction writing work is to engage and involve the reader in the story personally, to have them empathize with the characters. 2nd perspective writing is the literary equivalent of a 2x4 upside the head; you are literally TELLING you reader that he or she is a part of the story. Since people are so diverse, this requires you to make the perspective character as bland as possible so that it potentially includes as wide an audience of readers as possible, and balancing that with keeping the main character's responses interesting is difficult. So again, in that respect, well done.

As for constructive criticism, I think you need to push outside your comfort zone a bit.

Yeah, this is fine for what it is, but as fanfiction goes, this is like a puff of confectionery sugar. It's sweet, it's simple, but ultimately unsatisfying and usually much much better with something else. There is nothing exciting, witty, thought provoking, or funny in this work, the main conflict to be resolved is simply "will Dash get the stallion she desires" and it is resolved quickly and neatly with no real barriers to prevent it from happening. In other words, it works as a SCENE, but as a story by itself it leaves the reader with the feeling, "Ok, well that was nice, but... well, I guess it was a thing." I'm not saying you have to break new ground, but stories feed on their conflict, there really isn't any in this story. My suggestion, for future writing, not necessarily on this story as it IS a self-contained work, is that you need to punch it up a bit. Conflict doesn't necessarily need to mean people fighting and dying. Conflict in fiction is literally obstructions towards the goal the protagonists have. In romantic fiction that can literally be just another person pursuing the love interest.

The rest of this is personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. I personally find it difficult to relate to Anon in this story. Mostly because I find it difficult to even associate personality traits with him. All I know of Anon is that he's not particularly smart, terribly lacking in perception, and for the most part is dealing with being separated from humanity "ok". He's got some issues, but he seems to be dealing with them well. He is AT LEAST aware of the difference between human and pony courtship rituals, but that's about all I'll give him. This leaves me feeling as though Anon is bland, uninteresting, and I'm not entirely sure why Rainbow even likes the guy.

Now, as previously stated, this is personal opinion, and I understand that writing in the 2nd person kind of requires a somewhat vaguely defined viewpoint character. My advice? Writing perspective is a tool, just like any other literary device. Different genres work more naturally with some writing perspectives than others. I personally feel that romantic stories focus on internal conflict more than external, and as a result, the characters HAVE to be interesting, working, real flawed people in their own right. As a result, 2nd person is a difficult perspective to make work, for the reasons I previously stated. If you're going to make Anon well defined enough to be a character in his own right, why tell us that we are Anon? I'm not saying it can't be done, I'm saying it's like souping up an econobox to within an inch of its life and then drag racing with it. Sure, you can DO it, but it would have been a hell of a lot easier to start with something more robust.

In any case, this is about as critical a response as I can give on the work. It wasn't really long enough to give a real in depth review of it. In closing, is this; I enjoyed it, but if you ask me my opinion of it in a week or two, I probably couldn't tell you what it was called, or any details about it.

Nice and cute. Reminded me about "Xenopfilia".

7646856 That is more than fair. You definitely make a lot good points especially in terms of the safety of this "story." I really appreciate the feedback and will keep it in mind for the future for sure.

Good story it was short and sweet and simple enough plot. Only suggestion would to get rid of the "dating pony dilemma" or make it more relevant. With that kinda of thing its always full on or bust. Don't half ass it. Other than that it was a good story.

7645332 Oi, no problem~!

~:heart:!

That was ADORABLE!

Felt a bit rushed. But it was a nice little bowl of sugar to munch on. :pinkiesmile:

7646856

2nd perspective writing is the literary equivalent of a 2x4 upside the head; you are literally TELLING you reader that he or she is a part of the story.

I have never once felt part of any story just because it was told in second person. The way people keep repeating this as if it was some kind of golden wisdom is really ridiculous. Second person is a grammatical perspective like any other and none of that actually applies unless you're willing to treat it that way. The rest of that may sum the story up well, but it also has absolutely nothing to do with being written in second person and would be equally true in any other.

Login or register to comment