Leonofsweden
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Okay, NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!
7431201
Hopefully you'll find something more to your liking, it is a big Fimfiction after all.
7431206
Don't know how to intercept that actually...
It's actually not that bad contrary to the comments. I wouldn't let those stir you away from reading the Fuc.
7431246
Google it...or for that matter, don't.
Anyway, before I continue with the story, at any point will Sweetie Belle become pregnant, or will they be found out?
This pleases me.
Mmm this adorable hot. And maybe you can make alternate story about this by make Big Mac open the next toilet room and found other filly inside, instead Sweetie Belle. So story will go in another way. It's going to be fun too if he found out it's Apple Bloom.
7431449
Google... Hmmm, what is this Google I keep hearing about, is it another fad like the Internet? And no, she's to young for the moment. In the future, it my be a possibility.
7432239
I have already sett a story down in my head, and all off the cmc, plus more filly's besid will be making noises as we move along the chapters. I have something special in mind for Apple Bloom however.
7432314
Oh...That going to be really interesting to read. I will wait to read it than. Please don't give up just one chapter!
7431206
Jay for Google search... that's a thing? Natural it is, if someone can imagine it, it's a ting on the Internet. The more you know.
This is gonna be fun to read.
“Extra virgin olive oil?”
And how long did you spend coming up with that?
7433787
0.0069 seconds... give and take a few hundreds of a second.
Sweetie, if you're old enough to have a developed sex drive, you're old enough to get pregnant.
The sexy bits were wonderful, no mistake there. The only complaint I have is that both Sweetie and Mac were a little too wordy at times. Sweetie is a dictionary for sure but some of the rambling from her tends to be a bit long winded and overly verbose. Mac is a quiet stallion, generally speaking, but has words when he needs them, and that's what generally gives them such weight.
Things like that, though, I can not really imagine him saying out loud. Internalized thought, sure, but I'd expect the big sexy lug to be more like
"Glad ya enjoyed that too, Sweetie. Never had a mare that felt half as great...hope we can have another night just like this one."
I tend to write him with a bit more accent, Ahs and y'alls and such, but that's more personal preference. SweetieMac is a ship I enjoy regularly so it's definitely not the situation or the sex that doesn't fit
I'm so sorry. I just feel like the very way these two spoke in this scene could've been any pony at all, and in some places it even could've been a posh Canterlot couple, and it kinda broke immersion in the story for me.
Still good stuff, good escalation, tracking and upvoted.
7435586
Thanks for the feedback on the story Misharra, I do appreciate honest critique. And I'm in total agreement on Big Mac’s accent, I've had help white making AJ read as speaking in a Southern swag before, but not this time white Big Mac I'm afraid. English is not my first language, so I tend to write were little in the way of accents.
You are however welcome to make Big Mac sound more like Big Mac. If you are interested PM me and I'll be happy for all the help you are willing to provide. I may not always listen to the advice I'm given, but I do always think about the advice.
Have a nice one!
I'm your 69th like ;)
7438975
Not bad. I'm curious to see where this goes.
7434519 Not necessarely. Of course, they are ponies, so it might be different for them, but girls can actually have a sex drive before being able to get pregnant. Taking myself as exemple, I started to have a sex drive and experimenting in solo when I was around 14. I had my first period when I was 18. A woman can get pregnant from the moment they start to ovulate, which happen for the first time not too long before their first period. (of course, girls can ovulate and have their periods earlier, which mean they can get pregnant earlier, but ovulation must have started to get pregnant). Which mean that I started to have a sex drive nearly 4 years before being able to get pregnant... Sorry, I just can't pass a chance of explaining science stuff...
7444362
A girl that is going through puberty can sometimes get pregnant years before their first proper period, depending on just how quickly and in what order the aspects of their reproductive organs develop. I have never heard of someone getting their first period as late as 18, but that suggests to me that you started late, progressed slowly, and the part regulating menstruation finished last. I would say it's extremely likely that you would have been able to get pregnant long before you had your first proper period.
Regardless, I was talking about Sweetie's assumption that it's impossible for her to get pregnant because she's too young, which is a faulty assumption. A proper sex drive requires that puberty be at least in progress, and the ability to get pregnant also starts partway through puberty, often (though not always) before the sex drive awakens. It's possible that she isn't able to get pregnant yet, but it's not something she can possibly know based only on her age.
To the end I kept imagining Mayor Mare entering the toilet or the shower to the ending theme of JoJo and a huge arrow with TO BE CONTINUED finishing the fic. Also a great many thanks for not making any silly references of fillycum and squirting because thoae are so rare. It was a good fic, although the lack of foreplay or anything apart from hydraulics did bring it down a bit. Only a few typos and clean grammar along with equally clean formating made it a easy on the eyes as well, so great many thanks to your editors too!
7477043
Thank you very much for your response, and I agree, my editors did a fantastic job. English is not my first language, so if I published this right out the gates… I shudder to think the thought.
Either way, next chapter is almost finished…
Yes, chapter 1 is entered for the competition, but I have decided this will probably become something like a four or five chapter story. And you know what that means? Foreplay! Or something like that… maybe… we’ll see…
Anyhow! I’ll look for you in the comments section of the next chapter!
Have a nice one!
7477824 Hehe, us Nords need to stick together, right? See you, Space Cowboy.
Kinky Belle is best Belle.
We should start a betting pool for who the secret mare/filly is. My money's on Scootaloo.
That line seems a bit too obvious, especially since Rarity is familiar with sex and made an innuendo or two of her own. Maybe instead, keep to the idea and have him say something along the lines of letting her have all the custard she can stand.
I also can't help but suspect that Rarity may know more about her sister's activities than she is letting on.
7564334
I will take that into consideration. I actually think my editor said something similar, but I apparently missed changing it.
Also, yes. Rarity was well aware that something was going on beneath the counter, but she was too much of a lady to point it out. Rarity does not know it Sweetie Belle though. And this will have a consequent later in the series.
"Come inside"?
Please Rarity, you're not Rainbow Dash and you never will be.
7564334
There you go, I have decided to rewrite that particular line. My editor had actually pointed it out as I said, but I’d missed to change it in the final draft when I look through it. Thank you for highlighting the mistake for me Hopeful_Ink_Hoof!
Aha, you bamboozled me. Thumbs up!
Another great chapter, and who is this mystery pony? Find out tomorrow(I hope), same Big Mac-time, same Big Mac-channel.
While I'm willing to bet 99 % that this isn't equine glory holes (aka: female gloryholes), that would indeed be a massive surprise haha xP
Anyhow, can kinda guesstimate the theme and direction this fic takes. And pretty sure it will perform like expected for those into it =3
Haha, cheerilee, hilarious. Looking forward to more.
Awwww man, still no update? We miss ya!
This dead? :(
So sad to see this went away.
This story needs another chapter ;)
This really dose need more
This was super fun and interesting to read. It took me a few days since I had been busy whole I was reading but still is very amazing to read and hopefully you make more chapters for it