How many Applejacks does it take to feed a pig?
“It is so nice to relax after a day of hard work, isn’t it?” Rarity said dreamily, floating in a haze of scented waters in the Ponyville Spa.
“Ah reckon you’re right.”
“You said that very well!”
“Thanks,” Twilight said, laughing. “It’s too bad Applejack can’t be here, though.”
“Yes, well apparently she can’t go an entire day without having some chores to do.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “I suppose we should just be grateful we got four hours out of her.”
Twilight nodded and then hesitated. A frown crossed her face as she sat in the spa bath. “Speaking of Applejack, why did it take you both so long at the spa? I know there were leaky pipes, but why did it take an hour to fix that? I’m no mechanic, but I think I could have tightened a few bolts in a matter of minutes.”
Rarity paused in the act of applying cucumber slices to her eyes. “Now that you mention it…that did seem to take a long time.I mean, it took her nearly half the…hour to figure out that there were leaky pipes and that was why the spa wasn’t heating up!” Rarity confided in Twilight. “I mean, honestly. I figured that out quite quickly.”
“Well, why didn’t you fix it yourself then?” Twilight demanded.
“Me, fix plumbing? Please darling, I’m going to the spa to relax,” Rarity said.
Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Anyways, my point is that Applejack’s clearly a bit…” Rarity hesitated, searching for the right word.
“Confused?” Twilight offered.
“Exactly,” Rarity said in relief. “I mean, did you see all those silly things she was doing with her chores? Feeding her chickens one by one? Watering her fields by sections? Bungie jumping into the pig trough? She could have died!”
“I know,” Twilight said, a worried frown on her face. “And it looks like she was really behind as well. Because chickens don’t lay more than one egg a day. She was collecting three to four eggs each time. Does that mean she didn’t feed her chickens for three days straight?”
“And you can’t bungie jump with just a rope,” Rarity said. “You need a stretchable rope or you’ll break every bone in your body when the rope stretches. Even I know that.”
The two unicorns sat in worried silence. “As for the irrigation…” Twilight shook her head. “There was one main valve. How did she miss that? I can’t believe it took her an entire hour to feed her pigs before. And if she’s been doing that for years…”
The two ponies exchanged a long glance.
“You don’t think Applejack is a bit…slow, do you?” Rarity said nervously. “I don’t want to assume but—”
“Maybe.” Twilight said in a hushed voice. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve seen her having problems.”
“And it’s not as if Earth Ponies are that different from unicorns or pegasi,” Rarity said slowly. “They’re just…different, that’s all.”
“Different,” Twilight agreed. “Yeah, that’s all. I mean, they’re strong.”
“Tough.”
“Trustworthy.”
“Just not…”
“Not like unicorns, I guess.” Twilight finished. She looked at her wings. “Or alicorns. Which is fine! I love Applejack, but let’s try to be nicer to her in the future, agreed? We can…help her out. If she needs it.”
“Oh, of course,” Rarity said quickly. “I wouldn’t want to make the poor dear think she’s not…capable. It’s just that we all have our roles, don’t we? I can’t see an Earth Pony becoming Celestia’s pupil, can you?”
“Or an Earth Pony villain?” Twilight laughed. “I think their evil plans might be a bit too easy to unravel.”
Both ponies laughed and settled back down into the hot water. “Applejack’s probably finishing up her farm chores,” Rarity commented. “Now that we’ve improved her work, I’m sure she’ll have a lot more time to hang out with us.”
“No doubt,” Twilight said, luxuriating in the hot water. “But she still works hard, inefficiencies or no. I wonder what kind of chores take up her entire day?”
“Oh, no doubt some dreadfully boring stuff,” Rarity replied. “I don’t know how Applejack can stand it.”
“Maybe she’s got a hobby?” Twilight suggested. “Sometining to keep her occupied while she works.”
“Like what, darling?” Rarity asked. “Counting sheep?”
----
On her farm, Applejack finished stacking the last bale of hay and wiped a bead of sweat out of her eyes. Next to her Applebloom wrestled another barrel of Apple Cider into place and likewise paused for a break.
“Is everypony gone?” Applejack muttered out of the corner of her mouth to Applebloom.
“Ah don’t see anypony, and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo have both left,” Applebloom said. “Ah reckon it’s safe.”
“Me too.” Applebloom took one more look around and nodded. “It’s about time. Let’s go.”
Both ponies casually walked over to the side of the Apple family barn. But rather than entering, Applejack stepped to the side and stomped on the ground hard.
The earth around the barn parted, and a long staircase appeared, leading down into the darkness. Without any hesitation the two Earth Ponies walked down the stone passageway and into a long tunnel.
At the end of the tunnel was an imposing iron door. Applejack knocked on it twice.
“Password?” A disembodied voice asked.
“Terra consurget,” Applejack replied.
The door swung open.
Applebloom and Applejack walked into a brightly lit room, quite unlike the ominous tunnel preceding it. And around that table sat many familiar faces. Notable was in this room none of the inhabittents had either horns or wings.
“Everypony, as always thank you for coming.” Applejack sat in a chair at the round table and motioned for Applebloom to join her. “I’d like to preface this meeting by welcoming our newest member. Applebloom has finally attained her Cutie Mark, and so she will be a regular at these gatherings.”
Applebloom blushed with delight as voices of welcome sounded out.
“Thanks, y’all!” Applebloom said excitedly. “Ah always wanted to be part of these here meetings!”
“Language Applebloom,” Applejack said, “now that we’re not around other ponies, let’s try to speak civilly, shall we?”
Applebloom blushed. “Sorry, Applejack.”
“We all know it’s hard keeping up double fronts,” Filthy Rich said from his seat across the table. “But it is necessary to keep unicorns and pegasi in the dark. Without our tricking them into believing Earth Ponies are less intelligent, we’d never get anything done around here.”
“Exactly,” Applejack nodded. “So let’s get down to business. I had to deal with Twilight and Rarity today, so I didn’t get much work done – I’ve managed to read through fifteen reports from Mayor Mare regarding Ponyville’s infrastructure. It looks like we’ll have to repair the dam soon, and of course, we still need to shore up the riverbanks. Besides that though, everything looks good in our area.”
Filthy Rich nodded. “Mayor Mare will ‘suggest’ to Twilight they work be done on both fronts tomorrow. In the meantime, I’ve been doing the Equestrian tax reports.”
He passed a sheaf of papers around the table.
“It appears Princess Celestia has mismanaged funding in Appleloosa again,” Filthy Rich sighed. “There’s a deficit in her budget that she hasn’t noticed regarding the maintenance of the sewers. I’ll inject two thousand bits into the revenue stream with a few timely imports of Zap Apple jam. ”
“Hold on a minute here,” Applejack shook her head. “We’ve been down this road before, remember? Simply balancing Celestia’s budget isn’t enough. She’s going to spend at least a few hundred bits on some kind of project – like more of those confounded stained glass windows.”
Filthy Rich grimaced. “Fair point. I’ll make it six thousand bits and have one of my workers fall into an open manhole to illustrate the problem.”
“Why do we call them manholes anyways?” Apple Bloom piped up. “Ah – excuse me – I always wondered about that term.”
Big Mac cleared his throat. “The root of the word ‘man’ comes from the Latin word manus, or hand,” he lectured ponderously. “This of course refers to the issue of sewer maintenance in ancient Equestria when it was first invented by Soiled Waste. The nature of using sewer coverings meant that only unicorns or beings such as minotaurs that had hands could effectively detach the covers and descend into the sewers, hence the appellation.”
“Oh, I see.” Applejack nodded. “I thought they might have been referring to those creatures Lyra keeps telling everyone about, those ‘hoomans’.”
“I’ve heard the same talk coming out of her mouth. I’m afraid she’s addled, poor creature.” Granny Smith shook her head sadly. “It’s the neurological wasting of the brain caused by excessive use of magic. In some ponies the shielding effect of their horns isn’t enough to counter the thaumaturgical strain and well, hallucinations and visions of strange creatures isn’t the least of it.”
“It’s an evolutionary issue,” Applejack whispered to Applebloom. “Thankfully Celestia and Luna are free of it, but we’ve been monitoring Cadence and Twilight for signs of the disease.”
“That’s awful!” Applebloom looked shaken. “Is Sweetie Belle going to come down with it?”
“Hopefully not,” Big Mac said. “Our experiments in genetic alteration have yielded a far higher percentage of healthy ponies without this wasting disease – we call it HIV or Human Insanity Visions – and hopefully Lyra’s generation will be the last. Until then, she’s simply a victim of her genes.”
“All the more reason why our Appleloosan expedition is so critical,” Applejack explained. “Which brings us back onto our main point. Pinkie Pie, I believe you had good news?”
Pinkie Pie bounced up in her seat. “I do indeedy! I was super-duper excited when I visited the awesome ponies over there and—”
“Pinkie,” Applejack said, “we’re not around other ponies. You can drop the act.”
“Oh, of course.” Pinkie Pie settled back down in her seat and sighed. “Apologies.” She reached up and tugged at her mane, withdrawing a pair of glasses which she settled on top of her nose. “The price of too much acting,” she said to Applebloom. “It’s great for a thespian, but I’m afraid I get lost in the role sometimes.”
“We do appreciate your work, and Cheese Sandwich’s,” Granny Smith told Pinkie Pie. “Without our roaming agents we’d have far more trouble dealing with sudden emergencies as they arrive.”
“Yes, well, let’s just say I’ll need another trip to the dentist after today,” Pinkie said. “I had to eat sixteen pounds of cotton candy today as part of my party routine.” She shuddered. “But back to business. Braeburn tells me they’ve established the underground research labs beneath the apple orchards and will be close to fully operational within the month. During the next month’s rodeo we’ll gather to discuss his group’s findings.”
“Good, good.” Filthy Rich sat back in his chair. “I’ll send more funds with your next shipment of pies. Do make sure to note which ones have the green ribbons tied to them. Poor Trouble Shoes ate one of them last time and he had to pass nearly ten pounds of bits out of his stomach.”
“We’ll make a note of it.” Applejack said. “Now, let’s talk about issues of national security. Major Truffles, your report?”
The last member of the table sat up and put his hooves together. The pink pig leaned forwards, a serious expression on his face.
“Our scouts still haven’t found Chrysalis,” he told the table. “But we’re expanding our search westwards. We believe she might have hidden herself in the Everfree, so we’ll send Lieutenant Angel to scout there. Progress is slow though, as we keep running into Wonderbolt patrols and having to play dumb.”
“I still can’t believe they think all animals can’t talk,” Applebloom said. “How do the unicorns and pegasi never notice?”
Major Truffles shrugged. “We’ve got a lot of experience in subterfuge,” he said calmly. “But you should know that. After all, your family plays their role just as well. I’m told Applejack had to act especially obtuse today. I particularly liked the part where she pretended to be a chicken?”
“A chicken?” Big Mac chortled. “What were you doing?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “I know, I know. Rarity and Twilight are convinced I’m an idiot now. But I had to make up a reason why it would take me an entire hour to feed the pigs! I panicked, and well…”
“Come on, tell!” Applebloom bounced up and down in her seat. “Was it like the disaster at Rarity’s new boutique?”
“Not nearly as bad as that fiasco thankfully,” Applejack said with a sigh. “No, it all started when Rarity insisted I go to the spa, and I found that for some reason no pony had checked the plumbing in months…”
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I take it the new episode was horrible
ugh, I hate the new episode, AJlearns nothing, and it only proves that AJ and Rarity are not even CLSOE to "freinds"
It seemed AJ fixed the valve in less than an hour...
So is this complete or not?
Well, that was a hilarious twist. Very good.
7255312
Oops. Yeah, it's complete. Thanks for pointing that out.
So what inspired you to write this story?
7255829
I've made it my goal to write a new story each time an episode comes out for all of Season 6. In all honesty, this was the hardest one to write just because I didn't know what to do with the latest episode. I almost feel like the secret organization hiding in the shadows plot is overused, but that's all I could come up with given Applejack's antics.
I liked this! Reading this well made up for today's episode. For me at least. Sadly, this is one Applejack episode I didn't particularly enjoy. I got the moral they were trying to pass on, but...the approach/delivery of said moral could've been executed better.
Nice job! :D
I can't believe it.
I didn't think any good fics would be written for this episode, considering how little fuel it gave us (other than Rainbow officially liking going to the spa—I can anticipate some RD-shaming stories), but you managed to do it with a nice little twist. Kudos! 
As an editor, I have to say it—there were errors sprawled around in quite a few places—but you've still got my upvote. Nice job!
This is wonderful at addressing the common trope of Earth Ponies being less influential/intelligent than the other species! Tribalism is actually quite strong on FIMfiction.
Also, please write a sequel/chapter on the society of Earth Ponies getting busted!
Of course, the pigs and Earth Ponies were quite unaware they were being watched by the chickens through the spy ray...
Nuu! Earth ponies are just as intelligent! I feel Rarity and Twilight were really OOC
7256097
I'm glad it helped. I too felt this was a less-than-par for the course episode, mainly because of how long it took Applejack to figure out an elementary problem. See steam leaking out of pipe? Fix pipe. But at least we got to see ponies confining other animals in small, cramped spaces possibly against their will, right?
7256298
I know. And I feel guilty about all my spellinks errogs. But that's the tradeoff of writing these stories within hours of watching the episode. That said, if anything ever really makes you tear your eyes out, write it in the comments and I'll fix it.
7256700
I'll...think about it. Any followup chapter would have to be cleverly done, and I'm sick right now and out of clever. But regarding the theme of Earth Ponies < Other Ponies, I wonder if tribalism also extends to the episode writers? I'm still waiting for a devious Earth Pony villain, or at least, a villain that isn't horny.
I find this short so hilarious, especially because I proposed my OC on this site when I joined years ago, for just these problems, and the reson they hadnt occured to date. Like Disneys Theme parks background workers, with the hidden entrances and underground workings etc.
I just wish I could get round to writing again, workng over the Ponyville Spa was the main arc. That and the sewers, digesters, compost heaps, other supplies. Been too long since I last did the analysis between Electric, Gas, Halogen/Magic and other methods. Wonder how difficult it is to do a Solar to Microwave downconverter out of Ruby.
Given how intelligent Pigs are, and the Cows talk, theyre definitely doing a Dolphin.
I find the Everfree useful for training and resources. Zecoras levels are climbing like crazy with her occupation there.
More stories from the Earth Pony Underground? They who keep their hooves planted?
Alright. Twist aside, here are my thoughts.
First off, I liked this episode, because I think we've all been in Applejack's position at one point or another. We do what works because it works, and we rarely find ourselves thinking about how to make it more efficient. I've been in that position a lot in the work I do, and thoughts on simplification are few and far between, especially between people who have been doing things for a long time, and are familiar with the routine.
Secondly, a lot of Applejack's behavior in this episode makes sense, if one looks at it from the perspective of resource conservation, like if there's a drought or lean crops and whatnot to work with.
Not dumping out a big pile of feed to lure all the chickens out at once, that makes sense to me because if they don't eat it all, you have to gather it back up, or waste a whole lot more.
Opening and closing the gate long after the hinge has stopped squeaking? Hinges are metal and exposed to the elements, them not squeaking is temporary at best, always.
Only opening certain parts of an irrigation system? If crops are thin, or water is low because of a drought, it makes sense not to waste it; just ask California, they'll tell you.
Patching sections of old fence, rather than replacing the entire section? If you've ever been without enough material, you'd stretch it as far as you can, cutting it into as many pieces as you needed to cover the most area.
It's entirely possible a lot of Applejack's routine was born out of less than optimal conditions, and she simply never abandoned them when the years weren't so lean, and resources were more prominent.
To me it makes a lot of sense, because Applejack has told tales about life on the farm being hard before, so it's not unreasonable to think that pickings were slim, and supplies were limited at times. Ask anyone who had family that went through the great depression, and you'll hear tales about making do with what you think would never be enough to get the job done under normal conditions. And if Sweet Apple Acres wasn't prosperous during the time Applejack was growing up, those would be hard learned lessons that wouldn't easily be broken regardless of how much time passed.
Hmm, you'd think AJ would know about humans since her friend went to a human world and her friends were asking about it.
Guess the super duper smart genes skipped over that Earth Pony if he ate a whole ten pounds of coins at once. He either couldn't tell that metal coins aren't pie fillings or he ate the whole damn thing without chewing.
"Ve are not actually ze Earth Ponies darlink, we're actually hornless how you say 'uneecorns'"
7258962
I agree that Applejack isn't being stupid or foolish in the episode, she's sticking with what works. Granny Smith Zap Apple routine likely left the wrong impression on AJ, that ALL things no matter how illogical must be worth it, leaving out that Granny Smith's Zap Apple routine was the result of a life time of experiments and trial and error.
7259688
In addition, at least with the whole matter of feeding the pigs, animals are a lot more finicky than people think. I've seen pets that have refused, absolutely refused, to eat or drink anything unless it's prepared a certain way; like one who wouldn't drink water unless it came straight from the fridge and was properly chilled, or wouldn't eat until it first got petted. Not even just a few minutes, but rather hours, simply because their routine wasn't followed.
With house pets, not eating is one thing, but farm animals need to eat and keep up their weight since they're sort of the livelihood of the farm. Farmers can't really wait for them to stop being stubborn and act reasonable if they're the finicky sort.
7257276
You're probably never going to see a major non-magical villain. I mean, think about how that would play out. Villain arrives, does something villainous, and Twilight Sparkle immobilizes the villain with magic. Problem solved.
It's not impossible, but the whole thing would wind up having shades of the Iron Pony competition, like where Rainbow Dash "won" the game of tug of war by taking flight and literally lifting Applejack off the ground. Such an overwhelming advantage that you wind up looking at the winner and thinking, "That was bad and you should feel bad".
You can't even really do the whole Lex Luthor you'll-never-win-in-court routine very well, since Twilight is co-ruler of the country, and it seems like the princesses' collective authority is limited only by their restraint and good judgement.
The most likely way it would work out is that Our Heroes would spend about two thirds of an episode dutifully bearing the Ceremonial Idiot Ball, until the critical moment of the plot where they pass it over to the villain. And then there would be sunshine and rainbows. The whole thing would wind up being kind of embarrassing for everyone involved.
7265758
Oh, come now. Can't I dream of the writers making a smart villain who could deal with the alicorn problem? If I had to think of an earth pony's solution to the Twilight problem, I'd probably just lure her into a cave and collapse it on her. While she's holding up the rubble around her friends you can do all kinds of nasty stuff. And if you've gotta take out Rainbow Dash and the others, there are nets, tripwires, disposable minions, poisons...
Plus, Twilight's got terrible aim. I personally would be more worried about Starlight being a threat, but even then, so long as you're not caught flatfooted any clever individual can use anything from Trixie's smokebombs and horse-fu to advanced techniques like hostage-taking and blackmail to defeat the heroes.
Worst comes to worst, you could always go for a physical god route. Somepony like Cruciger from This Platnium Crown who would be really hard to stop even for a powerful magician (even without his horn), or someone like Lightning Dust who's probably fast enough to outrun almost every spell.
I dunno. I hope it's possible, and that a writer makes an epic few episodes someday. It just feels limiting if our only villains are magic users, that's all.
7265884
Well, sure, you can dream. But it's so much harder to do it well, and so much easier to just provide the villain with magic, or applied phlebotinum that is functionally equivalent to magic.
Also, Starlight won't be as dangerous as all that. Sure, she was an amazingly powerful, skillful, and effective opponent, but now that she's joined the good guys she'll automatically be about 90% less useful. I think they have those idiot balls surgically implanted or something.
7266098
I'm crying inside, but I do think you're right now that I reflect on the laziness of people. Alas, those writers...maybe I should make it my goal to become a writer for the show. Then I could destroy the series but do it my way.
I sometimes fantasize about a story where the Earth ponies have a secret underground society in which they keep Equestria running despite the incompetence of the other tribes, and so do the unicorns, and so do the pegasi, and none of them realize they're all feigning incompetence to each other.
7287327
HEH!
Didn't any pony tell them that Twilight's as an Alicorn embodies all three tribes, INCLUDING Earth Ponies. Which means she has all the abilities they do.
7306939
Oh, that'd be perfect, because all three of them would try to introduce Twilight to their conspiracy.
Yes! I just love this story. It's always amazing to see stories about Earth Ponies, they're my favorite tribe. Too bad the fandom likes to call them useless because they don't have flashy magic or wings.
I laughed my flanks off with the Human Insanity Visions. But most surprising was the talking pig in the end.
This fanfic is going to my favorites folder just like Maran's "Earth Ponies Are Overpowered".
GOOD WORK! Have a lovely day!
7287327 hehehehe
Poor Earth Ponies... Too stupid that they need help.