I write stories about pony superheroes and cruel and unusual tragedies and pony superheroes who suffer cruel and unusual tragedies. I'm currently looking both fine and OK.
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When a tragic event befalls Applejack, she takes drastic measures in an effort to prevent it. But can a simple farm pony make a difference in the face of an inevitable end?
A story about the sacrifices we aren't willing to make, and those that we are.
- Edited, attacked, and generally made better by Exuno.
Featured on EqD, rated Star-5.
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Judging by the title and or Chapter title im going to go out on a limb and say
Applejack dies.
Nicely done. (I rarely say that about MLP fics- in all the ones I have read most have left me sorely disappointed.)
Some work could be done with AJ's dialect- making it a little more pronounced would go a long way. The idea that she would do that for Mac is very in character though.
I am rather confused on the premiss of the fic- how was AJ getting the visions? You mentioned Twilight, and dreaming- so is the reader to assume that she got the visions in an enchanted sleep from Twilight?
Lastly, I love the use of repetitiveness in this. Anaphora and epiphora are literary devices I hardly see used in fanfiction which make a wonderful tool for writing. The last line could be a little more ... eloquent, but perhaps that was purposeful.
Sweet, it's finally up. Arcainum, I'm sure I made my thoughts on this pretty clear while I was editing it, but for the rest of you: This was a beautiful piece on the nature of AJ's and Mac's character and the lengths they're willing to go for each other, along with their own stubborness. The scene between the two of them on the field really was one of the most touching scenes I've read in a while, and that's why I'm still not confident the ending was the right one, even if was just as strong in it's own way.
On a different note, this was my first time editing, so commentary on mistakes I may have made would be appreciated (from anyone, I mean). The biggest changes I recommmended were removing extended explanations on how exactly everything was happening, because they really weren't critical to the story and destroyed the pacing. Everything was still understandable, right? I suppose Arcy or I would be cool with trying to detail the pseudo-physics of it later, but there should be enough information to figure it all out, so I'll wait and see what gets come up with first. The other point I'm curious about is if leaving the end of the fifth segment as purely implied worked. Other than that I look forward to seeing the reaction.
Well ...
Just ... well ...
I don't really know what to say to that. I got chills when I realized what happened, and then the ending...
I can't help but feel happy and sad at the ending. At least she got the second best thing, I suppose...
Damnit Arcainum, I wasn't planning on being depressed tonight. Good job on this.
very well written and sweet to the brink of touch. i give this story a thumbs up. you made the concept awsome, plot was great, and most of all, the inspiring quote you taught me today.
- ‘To my eternal shame, I am unable to perform that which destiny demands of me, and I am sorry. To those who would follow in my hoofsteps, know this. Destiny will have its way. It simply does not care with whom.’ -
i understand stand this phrase fully. when she said this she knew someone was going to die, but as she said it didnt matter WHOM did. it will have its way no matter what. but all in all, great story.
~Dillan2046~
Good job. That was beautiful.
“Seems like we spend more time fixing up this barn that using it, huh?" <- I think you meant "than", but that's the only thing I found.
Beautiful story, well-written, should've gotten much more attention (From the readers, I mean. Not the writer/editor).
Perfect. And as sad as it is, AJ's actions fit her character to a tee.
On an unrelated note, was this meant for a contest? I recognized the prompt in a couple of other stories on the site a few days back.
750649 Sorry, brain =(
750800 WHO'DA THUNK
750900 Yeah, I kind of tried to make each death a little less involved, to sort of imply that AJ was, despite herself, becoming kind of jaded to the experience (a horrible thing is almost always slightly less horrible the second time, I've found). It wasn't something that I specifically aimed for though, which is why I guess it didn't come across that well.
And yes, time loops are great. This also proves that I am incapable of taking a simple prompt and just USING it. Nope. Godquills and time-travel.
750913 The accent is something I struggled with. I feared over-accenting greatly and I ended up deciding too dry was better than too ridiculous, considering the nature of the fic. As to the physics of it all, that's one legit interpretation! And lastly, yes! Repetition doesn't get used enough. I read a fabulous horror story once that was just the same short description of day in the life of a guy over and over again, with minor changes everytime until everything had gone horribly wrong.
751126 Why does everyone call me Arcy? I mean, Arc I would understand, but Arcy? I sound like a lovable 80s cartoon sidekick. But yeah. This guy. This guy is cool. Everyone should give this guy love. This fic was way worse before he got his hands on it.
751244 Sowwy =(
751300 Thank you! And... yeah, that is a pretty sweet quote ¬_¬
751354 Thank you.
751462 Oh, curses! There's always something.
Heh, ah well. I'm sending it to EqD soon, maybe that'll give it a boost.
751661 Yes! It was originally going to be part of the SALT contest, but I didn't like the picture we were required to use and I ended up liking the fic too much to rush it out, so I backed out.
-----
Thanks for commenting, everyone! I think this is probably my favourite fic as of now, so it's great to get feedback.
Just went through this and I see you really cut down on the Applejack/Twilight scenes. I suppose the other way explained too much and this leaves things more ambiguous.
Either way, this was some excellent writing. When I first went through it, I was going to comment that it had a Groundhog's Day feel but the deeper I went, it started taking on more of a Twilight Zone feel. This is certainly a break away from your normally comedic and slapstick style of writing but you managed to pull it off nicely.
I'm actually glad you restrained yourself from giving Applejack too much of an accent. I've seen some stories where her dialog is filled with more apostrophes than letters! Anyone that has seen the show can fill in her quirky accent themselves is how I go about it.
Very fine fic! This is something to be proud of!
Bout time ths get`s on here, was having enough waiting around. But I guess somthing this good can be taken with a grain of salt.
First of all, congratulations on a wonderful piece of work. This one of the best one-shots (if not THE best) I've read ever since I became a bronie.
Second, you're now on my WATCH LIST! ... Not in a creepy way.
Third, may I be so humble as to suggest a sequel to this? I mean, think about what all this means for the story, Equestria. The loss of an element, Twilight who will be racked with guilt for sure because of her part in all this, Big Mac who shall NEVER KNOW the reason it all happened... Do I have to continue? lol
Meinos Kaen out!
Edit: Also, you're getting reviewed and reccomended on my blog.
I'm a sap for the "heroic sacrifice" schtick.
This was very well done. I thought the reveal of the spell was done at an excellent pace. I knew where it was going, but I was still surprised at the end. I was not expecting the "doesn't care for whom."
Exceedingly good. Bravo.
Good story, but I do not like the message of it. Are you saying that you should be selfish? Applejack did not want to live with the death of her brother, so essentially she committed suicide. She could not deal with the grief, so she decided to escape it without thought about how others would feel?
753270 She was stubborn, not grief-stricken. Like in The Last Roundup, all she could see was what she considered her own failure. Her tragic flaw is her unwillingness to give in. One of them had to die, and she'd rather it be her. It's not that she's running away from the grief, it's that she Honestly considers her actions the lesser of two evils.
I personally consider it more of a character piece - it's about what she thinks, not what I'm trying to say.
EDIT: Thank you for questioning it, though. It's made me think about it more.
753390
Ahh I see. Well it now makes sense to me if you think of it being a sort of definition of her character instead of a piece with a message for readers on how to act. I shall take away that thumb down.
753415 That's very magnanimous of you! Thank you.
I have very few strongly-defined opinions on the world in general, you see! I write (pony or otherwise) because I like to tell stories. I don't know if that means I can never write anything truly worthwhile, but... Well, I'm having fun!
Saw it coming still enjoyed it. have a thumb.
751764 Yeah, I wondered what you'd think when you saw 2000 words just vanish xD Thanks for proof-reading it though! This is probably my most polished fic yet - which is faintly embarassing to say. I seriously don't put enough effort in.
751968 You were having enough? I thought I was going to get this out in, like, two or three days, and it ended up taking more than a week xD Thanks for the compliment though and... well, the prompt in the first place! I know it was a bit cheeky nabbing the prompt and such then just upping sticks.
752980 Thank you kindly! Might I have a link to said blog?
753010 Yes, the pacing of the reveal was one of my major concerns. Exuno ripped about a fifth of the fic out from under me after I showed him the first draft =p As for being a sap for heroic sacrifices... aren't we all? ¬_¬
753772 Yay, thumbs!
That was awesome, once again. I KNEW there was a reason for having you on my watch list. Aside from the lulzy blog posts, of course.
I'm a sucker for well-written stories, especially character pieces like this one. I'd love to see more like this - not time traveling, but deep inspections to each character's... character.
754045 Of course, my friend. Here you go.
Meinos Kaen
One of the best fics I've read in a while. It reminded me of The Butterfly Effect. AJ kept going back to prevent Big Mac's death, but despite her efforts he met the same fate in a different situation.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, though I'm not sure what there is to say that hasn't already been said. Everything seemed very in-character and I adore the quote about destiny. I rather liked the ambiguity of the scenes with Twilight and since it's been noted in the comments, I appreciate that you left out writing her accent - it definitely helped with the gravity of the fic and for it to be too emphasized would have been out of place. I really think Applejack is an interesting character and as such I enjoy character fics about her the most. Overall, an excellent one-shot that definitely ears the thumbs-up.
754609 I know, right? I actually wrote something passable! It took me a while, BUT I GOT THERE. Also "lulzy blog posts" <3
755087 Thank you kindly, I shall keep an eye out x)
755277 Five Should Be Enough starring Richard Gere? It could happen.
761621 See, this is why I'm glad I held back and got this edited. You say you liked the ambiguity of the Twilight segments? There's 2000 words of those that got cut =p Applejack is a weird one for me. While I like all the ponies equally, I'd definitely say I think about her the least. The only reason I even wrote this fic was because the picture on the contest was AJ. Anyways, thank you for your feedback! Comments longer than a line are authorial ambrosia.
763558
I was referring to the movie starring Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart.
763609 Do you know, I have never encountered that film? Which am I thinking of? Wikipedia is failing me.
763641
I honestly have no idea which film you were thinking of.
.
I saw Richard Gere and was like
I really liked the movie, but there are mixed views on it.
If you wish to read up on it, here is the IMDb page for the movie.
763776 I swear to God there is a film called something like The Butterfly Effect and it has Richard Gere. I don't even know any more.
I'm scared.
763784
I'm looking through Richard Gere's filmography now.
Hopefully this will put both of us at ease.
763791 ...Now, why didn't I think of that? I'll tell you why.
Because I'm an idiot.
Don't beat yourself up over nothing. Happens to me all the time.
The only thing I found close to the title was The Mothman Prophecies.
I hope this helps.
763816 ...How dreadfully embarassing.
MOTHS ARE JUST NIGHT BUTTERFLIES, RIGHT?
763830
I will no longer refer to them as moths, but instead night butterflies.
Anyway, from what I've read both films are slightly similar, but different nonetheless.
763845 ...Like the loops! See? I'm such a damn genius. I had this all planned out in advance.
Wow.
That story just made love to my brain and I want to have its thought babies.
That was a bit weird way of saying I liked it wasn't it.
OK. Serious now. I loved the concept and it really fit with the characters.
Gotta ask though.
Mac was in the middle of an open area with nothing to fall on him. What did you envisioned as the way he died the 5th time?
Wow... Just wow... I think my mind has just been blown.
My hat's off to you.
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU YOU BASTARDDDDDDDD
Nice, if a bit morbid
This, this is beautiful. The idea, the way it's written, portrayed, the characters, the emotion, the stress, the tension. A masterpiece, I cried, AJ is my favourite character, and I love her in oh so many ways (platonically). This must be in my top three favourite/best fanfics; this isn't repetitive, the way the love between a family and the desperate situation Applejack is in is shown. I'm emotional and sensitive; though I said it before I want to say it again, I cried. I would hug you if I met you, and more hugs. Thank you for this story, thank you.
It's on Equestria Daily, too.
I liked this. Normally I would have just written it off (it's been done once before in "The Best NIght Ever", which is one of the single best pieces of MLP fanfiction out there - I recommend it if you haven't seen it), but this is good, solid writing. I knew what would happen here, but it was worth it for the story.
That said, there wasn't a whole lot of "wow" or deep, original insight. This sort of time-cycle fic doesn't need much of those to be a fantastic piece of writing as long as it's well thought-out. This sort of fic has a bunch already built-in. But without them*, this is sort of predictable, and lacks "wow" to someone familiar with this sort of fic.
Edit: *"without new ones too"
Lo author. Congrats on the posting.
amazing story, and now i'm sad.
I really wanted AJ to succeed (though I guess you can say she still did), still a part of me knew this would happen.
And Time Loops!!!
Why didn't I think of that? It's genius!
edit: And than AJ woke up in the hospital. She was dead, but only for a few minutes. Big Mac was able to lift the tree with his great strength; the "curse" was broken. And the reader didn't have an enormous amount of feels, except those of happiness.
Now I have to go cheer myself up. Why must this story be so good that I keep visiting it?
It's been a while since I've seen a time loop fic, and this is one of the better ones here. Nice job. 3/5 stars.
Ponyfied version of "If Only" (Movie) . Brilliant ^^
Well, another sad fic down the drain. Whenever I bring myself to reading a fic at all it always comes down to a sad fic.
Brain, why do you do this to me. It was a great fic and I loved it, I'm sad that AJ died 
. I guess she died the way she wanted to, protecting her family
Sads, I have them.
Commenting because I simply MUST KNOW what went wrong in the lay-in-the-field loop! It's not explained! What happened? How did it happen? Why didn't it work? I hate loose ends. Gotta know! Did Big Mac meet his end, just dropped dead? Did a meteor fall from the sky? Did they both stay safe but the fire proceeded as expected and wiped out Apple Bloom and Granny? Did the spell kick in prematurely and reset the day because he was gonna be safe and that wasn't acceptable? Hopefully I've translated my desperate dissatisfaction through text here...
Also, what does 5 have to do with anything?
Great story - the ending made me so sad though.
But I think that's the type of pony Applejack is - I totally think she'd do that for any member of her family.
Reminds me a bit of a book I read - "Before I Fall" - by Lauren Oliver. If you haven't read it, you might like it.