1 - The Difficulties Inherent in Equestrian Border Control
Probable Cause took a sip from his cup of coffee, trying his best not to gag. Necessary Force was many things, but an excellent brewer was not one of them; his cappuccino tasted like if a seapony had tried to invent dirt. Still, the chocolate drizzle at least made it possible to swallow, so he managed to avoid upsetting his pegasus partner.
Choking down the last of the swill, Probable Cause levitated his cup back onto the table, and cast a withering glare across it. Sitting in the chair opposite him was a changeling, the only species of creature crazy enough to come anywhere near the Badlands border crossing. This one had been brazen enough to approach without donning any sort of disguise, so its dark chitin was glistening under the dim lantern light. Unlike most of its species, this specimen had a far more pony-like face, with a rounded muzzle and snout and deceivingly fluffy-looking ears. Instead of clean baldness, the changeling sported an unruly mop of a green mane, which found a scraggly mirror in the tail. The beast's most striking feature, though, was its smile, which beamed with all the pride of a first-grader holding up an A+ on their first pop quiz ever.
Cause felt the overwhelming urge to punch this changeling in its smiling face.
Force came back into the shack, his right wing stretched out as far as it would go while the rest of his body seemed to be in a state of permanent flinching. Cause raised an eyebrow, and his partner responded by flicking something off of his wing and onto the table. It was some sort of fleshy bubble, glowing pink and oozing... well, Cause didn't know what it was oozing, but it would probably be tough to get out of feathers.
"There were a few hundred of these in the back of the cart," Force grunted, rubbing his wing against the sleeve of his uniform. "Aside from that, just a bunch of wood furniture. Some of it smells like blazing cedar, but you'll just have to scan for that."
"Good work, lieutenant." Cause turned back to the changeling, whose smile seemed to have grown even wider. He poked the bubble with his magic, and gestured with his hoof. "Mind telling us what those are? Flesh grenades, perhaps?"
The changeling burst out laughing, a childlike tittering that grated on Cause's nerves like his mother-in-law's voice. "Oh, that is rich. What classic ideas will you ponies think of next?" That voice was dripping with more distilled swagger than the whole of Upper Canterlot. "No, that's what we call food."
"I thought changelings fed on love." Force was scrubbing even harder now, but all that was doing was spreading the goo around his feathers.
"Oh, we do. How do you think we store the stuff?" The black lips parted to reveal the vicious fangs and sharp incisors that seemed out of place when twisted into a wide grin.
Force had stopped scrubbing, muttering something about using up all of the week's hot water later. Cause shrugged it off, being more focused on his interrogation.
"So that's it, then. A cartload of wooden furniture and food for the trip? Yeah, color me skeptical."
"Well, I would, but I didn't bring my paints." The changeling was actually leaning back in its seat now, swinging one leg over the back of the chair just to look even more cocky. "But you're right. There is a little bit more to ol' Shlakaswa than just some overgrown matchsticks and a week's worth of afternoon snacks."
"Ah, I thought so." Cause summoned a notebook from the other side of the room, also checking that the chain traps in the ceiling were still wound and ready. "You've been smuggling."
The changeling's face flickered with green fire as the grin began to spread around its head. "Oh, no, officer, I'm afraid you're quite mistaken. I am still Smugling."
That managed to distract Force from his grumbling. "And how are you planning to do that? You've been caught in the act."
"Yes, but it's not as if I'm going to completely change my identity over this whole thing. So no, I am still Smugling."
Cause's quill was flickering across his notebook. "Interesting. So, you define your identity by theft and evasion of the law?"
The grin, now almost completely surrounding the changeling's head, snapped back to a normal-sized frown of confusion for a few brief seconds. "What? No, I'm just Smugling."
Cause took a deep breath, and tried to remember where he had stashed his migraine pills. "Alright, we'll come back to that one. We have more important questions. What are you smuggling?"
"Well, I'm a changeling, sir."
"That tells us nothing," Force growled. "That cart could have anything from high-power explosives to undeclared stopwatches. You could save yourself, and us, a whole lot of trouble if you just come clean about what you've got in the cart."
"I've got changelings."
"Wait, I thought you said you were a changeling."
"Well, obviously." The changeling flickered between forms, changing from Princess Luna to Princess Twilight in a flash of green fire, then collapsing into the form of a silver filly with orange wings only to expand into a gorgeous orange mare with a rainbow streak in her mane.
Cause pondered the tactical merit in slamming his head against the table. He flipped through several empty pages of his notebook, more as something to do than to serve any greater purpose. Finally, he stared at the changeling, who had started randomly changing the color of his teeth. "Alright, level with me. Are we asking the wrong questions, or are you just being maddeningly unhelpful?"
The changeling's grin grew so huge that its teeth alone were as tall as Celestia. "Let's just say you're giving me a lot of opportunities to be unhelpful, and I've been taking every chance I can get."
Force made a big show of cracking his neck and gritting his teeth. "It's like you want us to throw you in jail."
"Well, not exactly that." The changeling's mouth snapped back to normal size. "Look, my name is Smugling. S-M-U-G-L-I-N-G. It's called a homonym."
Cause decided to forgo tactics, and did his best to break the table with his face. "You've just wasted at least five minutes of government time on a Clear Skies routine. And for what? A cheap laugh at our expense?"
"Think of it more as a brain teaser." The grin vanished, replaced by the tiniest upturning of the corners of the mouth. "Speaking of which, here's another one; how many trees are there in the Badlands?"
"None," Cause answered. "The Badlands are a barren wasteland that hasn't evolved a natural organism since before Celestia's reign."
"And here I am, cantering out of the Badlands with a cart full of wooden furniture. Isn't that a fine how-do-you-do?"
Force actually burst out laughing. "Since when can changelings be inanimate objects?"
Smugling's smile disappeared completely. "Since when could we not?"
The first thing Cause felt was the hoof locking around his neck. The second thing he felt was another hoof seizing the back of his head, then driving him forward into the desk. Then the hooves seemed to melt and flow across his body, and his horn began to ache as the strange goop covered it. A few grunts of surprise to his left confirmed that Force had been hit by the same ambush.
"Meet the Rainstorm Twins," Smugling announced, the swagger in his voice now replaced by an unquestionable air of authority. "Quite an ingenious find, really. They were born and raised in the Celestial Sea, and didn't even see equines until they were ten years old. They're barely even changelings anymore, more like sentient water that knows how to change shape."
Cause reached out with his magic, desperately trying to trigger the traps, but found nothing. The fluid-like chitin was spreading across his face, and as his vision started fading, Smugling leaned into view.
"Ever hear the legend of Nullstone Beach, Mister Probable Cause? Have you ever gazed upon those rolling black sands and felt your magic fade away to nothing? Watched the waves roll across the beach, and wonder if the water is poisoned by nullstone?"
Cause tried to shake his head, but only ended up twitching.
"Well, I'll spare your puny brain the trouble of imagining it. Suffice to say, it is a beautiful and horrifying sight. I think the only thing more beautiful is the moment when I found out that the twins had spent so long in the waters of that beach that they had grains of nullstone embedded inside of them. Picture the dirtiest water you can, filled with silt and muck, except the silt is made up of stone so black that it drains away all light. I shudder to think of what this feels like for you."
Cause summoned up all of his energy, raising his head and gritting his teeth. "You're not... gonna get away... with..."
Smugling's hoof slammed down on the table. "Let me stop you right there. Yes, I am going to get away with this. I have every contingency planned out. This isn't some amateur attack like the Green Wedding, this is coordinated infiltration. We are going to take over your pathetic little nation one weak-minded lovesack at a time, and nopony is ever going to come close to getting in our way. You two fools are the only ponies that will ever know what is really happening, and your higher brain functions will be soup by sundown."
The goop retreated partially, exposing just enough of Cause's face that he could stare Smugling right in the eye. The changeling grinned a sadistic animal grin. "I grant you one final moment of defiance. Gaze into the face of your future king, and show me the indomitable will of your species."
Cause took maybe two seconds to weigh his options before spitting in the changeling's face. To his dismay, that only made that insufferable grin grow wider.
"Exactly as expected. Goodbye, Probable Cause."
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Okay, at first I was worried about the title and how it might have been a spelling error but once I how the story went I ended up laughing my head off.
Ah hah a nice present for Zomg he just saw it in chat, bet hes excited.
Right about there is where I had to start reading all of Smugling's lines in Bane's muffled, unintentionally hilarious voice.
7147006 "Now is not the time for love. That comes later."
So ... does this mean I'm king of Equestria now/soon? Sweet!
Very nice :D
7147078 Well, this story takes place after the Canterlot wedding, and I'm given to understand that Aspire's story is taking place sometime before Nightmare Moon rolls in, so... possibly? Depends on how disillusioned he gets with ponies. I, for one, am perfectly fine with the Rainstorm Twins showing up in Respite.
7147096 Haha, Aspire isn't me, but I got ya ;)
I'm not entirely sure if I could have the Twins show up in Respite, but ... hmm, we can talk. There is an outsider coming though. And Aspire may just find himself caught in her web.
But enough about my story, this one was awesome! I thought you were just gonna go the comedic route and have him get punched in the face, and than that came out of nowhere! Wonder if Twilight will be able to stop us this time, or will all of Equestria be doomed to worship my smugness?
Excellent. :3
7147107 Changelings win. No question. Smug's got a plan.
7147125 Hehehe! Glory to the Smug Hive!
7147134 Love for the love god! Hugs for the hug throne!
7147139 The regime that gives the most infuriatingly mixed emotions: do we hate this dipshit for being smug, or do we love the fact that he demands hugs?
So very fitting. :P
Well that went Whose on first to murder lightning fast.
7147158 Oh, nobody's murdering anybody. They'll live.
I mean, they'll be lumbering brain-dead drones whose only function is to mindlessly love changelings, but they'll live.
Comedy? This is fucking dark slash tragedy. You find this funny somehow? You're sick.
7147510 Well, yes.
Fucking Smug-ass 'ling...
Upvoted.
7147510 Ever heard of black comedy?
Also, as the guy it was written for, I laughed the whole way through.
7147151 It's quite simple really, we love his smugness so much we can't help but hug the bastard.
I caught the joke about his name when I saw the capital S. I was however very intrigued with the whole 'furniture' bit. Very very clever in my mind. I also don't get why anyone jumped on the murder train. We know they feed on love so why would they kill anyone? One pony dead is one less to love them...all in all a very hilarious little read for me. Upvote!
7147684 Nobody's dead.
They're going to be converted into mindless lovers.
7147692
Precisely. Why kill what can love you instead?
Dude. This was genius, beautiful, and all 'round great. This was a smashing one shot. pre14.deviantart.net/b3bd/th/pre/i/2012/153/8/f/smashing_by_missingdatapony-d5224wi.png
Author, I just want to say I love you. I'm throwing Praxis kits at the screen and nothing is happening.
7147692
I'm sorry, but I think that's a contradiction in terms. Love has to have a giver, not just a receiver, and if they've been rendered mindless, there's no giver there. It would be like programming a computer to say 'I love you $_' over and over again; it can repeat the words until the end of time, but there will be no love behind it.
7147992 Because I definitely meant it literally, and wasn't at all simplifying because there's not much point in explaining the mechanics of mental conditioning to someone when all I'm doing is assuring them that nobody died.
7147684 braindead, then.
7147164 murder of the mind is still murder, even if our legal system hasn't grasped that yet.
smug cover pic is smug.
...
that went really dark really quickly.
Looks like I’m as biased towards changelings as ZOMG is.
On the first reading of this sentence, you won’t realise that the the word ‘the’ has been repeated twice.
So Smugling’s playing a compressed variant of Who’s On First?.
7149023 I concur. Very dark—F̨J̴̢̕͝͡A̶͠F̸̛͡J͟͟҉͘Ķ͢͞͡L̷̢͠D̛́͏̧S͏̡͞Ķ̸̵͏́F̀͜͟7̛̀͞͠J̶҉K̡̧͟͠͡F̡̛́͜͡D̴̴̢́͜J̡̨͜—All hai̸l R͜u͝ler͜ ̡S͡mu̧ǵling.͢ Al͞l͠ hail Ru͠l̷e̢r̀ Smuģl͠ing͠.
And yes, I did hide an xkcd (https://xkcd.com/1530) reference above.
7149015 are you really trying to convey your political views onto a work of fiction about a smug changeling?
this is not the time nor the place for that.
Damn, that rapidly went dark. Love the lings personality though.
I want to be one of those twins, there would be so much fun to be had!
Well, that was horrifying. I suppose it's too much to hope for to see Smug get his drawn out and lethal comeuppance?
7151311 Well, the purely theoretical sequel was going to end with him winning, so...
And Equestria was overcome by floods, and those floods were changelings.
This went from fairly fucking funny, to ruined childhood tones so fast I got whiplash.
7147514 its been a while since i have seen a good Black Comedy well done
7152259 Very glad that you enjoyed it!
7149597 Political stance? Huh? No. More like my views on biology/metaphysics/the definition of death. While we need our bodies for our minds to work, it is our minds that make up who we are, moreso than the body. I briefly mentioned the fact our legal system might not view things that way as a premptive measure against any counterargument that tried to base itself on some technical, legal definition of murder. Which, in turn, is a reflection of our relative inability to judge the state of the mind vs the state of the body, which is again more of a medical/technological limitation than a political view.
So, no. My statement has very, very little to do with politics, aside from how almost everything can tie into politics somehow or other.
Well this was nice and hilarious. Good job
Went from comedy to black so quick I completely forgot the comedy was there and had to go find it again lol.
Ah well, suppose that's the point then. Well written so you get ona them there thumbs up.
Is that a reference to the EVE Online fan movies Clear Skies trilogy, or something else? It's the only thing I can think of that it could be referencing.
7154536
Which in turn is in the vein of Who's on First.
7151329 Yikes.
Forgive me for not being excited for that idea.
7147933 XD
7154806 No problem, random stranger.
I.. don't really see the humor here. Someone is carrying out a plot and they're smug about it. They then basically act like a smartass before moving on. The 'Who's on First' routine is just predictable.
Damn, that took a dark turn.
7156077 Are you one of the people who think that's a bad thing, or one of the people who think it's a good thing?
7156085 I don't know what to think of it. It just happened.