Romance and Slice of Life Writer
Being sick of the way her hive treats their captives. Lithera escapes her life as a drone and heads towards the surface world. Once there however she finds out that not everything will be easy.
Will the now self appointed earth pony Bluebell find her way to the fabled village called Respite?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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and so it begins :)
*sticks in tracking*
Oh, yes, I think I'll keep reading this fic as it updates.
Not a bad start, Snow. A few differences from how I planned Respite's 'verse, but given the little information I gave you to keep spoilers out, I have to say you put a nice little spin of your own on things.
Keep it up.
Well I'll be starting on chapter two in a bit and try to learn more from your tales Zommy.
this might turn out to be a good read Tracking.
7223033 I hope I won't disappoint.
So many possibilities for the coming visit to Hoofstead. Will Bluebell be able to keep it together when she sees the devastation firsthand?
i liked the development in this story, keep up the good work snowy
Well, well, well! Seems you have some stories of your own. I do take a look at people's accounts when they put me on follow. Most of my followers either have no stories, invisible stories, or are inexplicably banned. Yours seem to have pretty decent ratings on them! So if you don't mind, I'm just going to take a peek at this one here — all copypasta'd as per my usual shtick.
First person! I love that format. Good, strong opening paragraph too.
Fair enough. Her wings and horn don't work and all that. Lucky thing her transformation spell still works with her horn out of commission.
Less clumsy than some of my early attempts at pony color description... I'm looking at you, Siege of Castle Harmony. Yeesh...
Why would she address this lone stallion as "anypony"? It may sound like nitpicking, but I imagine the stallion cringing at being addressed to in such a neglectful manner, as I am. I'd imagine she would say something like "Please, mister, won't you help me?" Or something that addresses him specifically. It would be a lot less suspicious for her to have stumbled into him in the woods than called out to him as if she hadn't seen him when she clearly had.
judgybitch.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/male-tears-2.jpg
Then why did we evolve to hate? Surely it did something to help us thrive as a species. Ignoring that snark, it is interesting to read a pony story where the mare explicitly plays off a stallion's patriarchal instincts. That's pretty rare. Usually, the society is portrayed as blatantly matriarchal like the actual show, or egalitarian.
He's not curious if any others survived the attack?
Ha! Man, that was a Kkat level of riding the line between an M-rated sex scene and a T-rated one. Kudos!
The pace is too fast. I'm not really seeing the relationship form organically. Wasn't she just trying to use him to escape or something? Did she change her mind because of one hippie comment about love and tolerance?
Coffee is horrible. I agree with the horsefly on this one.
How very conscientious.
I'm left with some interesting questions to be answered as the story progresses: Why are changelings attacking the ponies? What is the difference between this universe's politics and the canon of MLP? What station does Bluebell normally hold in changeling life? I can judge from the description of the story that she's tired of battle and wants to go to a city where changelings and ponies live in peace, but I still have very little to go on.
Add a comma after soon.
They're all painful if you kick them hard enough!
This can all be combined into a single paragraph.
Golden rule of dialogue is to always add commas before the character's name.
Well, there is that one story, Changeling Roun, that's essentially built on this concept. Good story. Such a shame Demon Eyes Laharl has distanced himself from the community.
Locusts sound like they might be connected to the raiders that attacked the village earlier. I wonder if that's true?
"Chomping at the bit" means to be eager to get started on something. Not really a good metaphor, unless you reach for it.
He's taking this a bit too unquestioningly, in my opinion. Still, I'm actually kinda into this! It's holding my attention.
I disagree with his logic. She's still injured and dependent on him. If she's defected from her tribe, and her tribe is now hostile towards her, she has every reason to maintain her cover and continue the deception. I'm also wondering what he's been doing all this time in the forest. Why did he choose this nomadic existence when he was living in the city? I get that he's lonely, but he's taking a huge risk by throwing in with a changeling he just met and has done little more than have sex with.
Don't get me wrong, this story is actually kind of interesting! I have a firm grasp of the basics of this world: ponies and changelings are in conflict with each other, and two sympathetic opposites find comfort in one another. That's well-worn reliable material to work with. I'll take a good-natured story about two ponies meeting up and falling in love from a newbie writer than some edgy, M-rated gore nonsense involving Sonic The Hedgehog. I'll give this a like. May you continue to write and improve. I'll be watching.
7287143 I'm.. I'm so flattered to be acknowledged by the writer of one of my favorite gentlemanverse stories? I'll certainly try to improve but I've only been writing for four months so kinda new, but thank you kindly.
7287238 If you ever need any help with proofreading and explaining the intricacies of idiomatic American English, I'd be happy to proofread for you.
I give a one Daaawwwww. Inwould have to agree with the others, the story seems to be progressing way too fast. Good story tho
This is a fine premise: I do look forward to learning how "Bluebell" and Evergreen's relationship grows, and how "Blue" will deal with her identity as a changeling that requires the love of others to survive. And her personality as a "pony" is intriguing: I wonder if that's how she is as a changeling, or if it's all just an act.
If I have one complaint, it's that the relationship is progressing a bit too quickly: they literally just meant and there's already blatant sexual tension between them. A bit too early for that, I think, but it can still work.
I will be tracking this. I look forward to more!
Time for criticism.
I do enjoy the idea of Bluebell's character, particularly her ignorance of normal pony customs and other things that ponies take for granted. Expanding on this idea would be an excellent idea.
Also, as I said before, the duality of Bluebell vs Lithera is an interesting place to explore, as she struggles to figure out which one is her "true" face between the differences between them. Your headcanons about different changeling hives with their own leaders, territories and cultures is also a fantastic idea and I would love to see you expand on it more.
However, as some have said before, your biggest problem is that Bluebell and Evergreen's relationship is progressing too quickly. They leap from strangers who met under a dire circumstance to teasing each other to lovers within the span of a couple of days. This is, unfortunately, not very believable at all and takes away a bit from the story. Actually seeing Blue start to fall in love, genuine love with Evergreen and coming to care for him as an individual rather than a source of food would be something that I would love to see you explore.
Also, Evergreen suddenly figuring out that Bluebell is a changeling and being okay with it is d'aw-worthy, but it raises a lot of questions: namely, how exactly did he figure out that she was a changeling? How does he feel about it? And how did he come to be okay with it? Figuring out that the pony that you rescued from a forest and had sex with has been lying to you from the start and very likely was just using you is a deep betrayal, and I would imagine that he'd struggle with this revelation for a while before coming to terms with it, at all. The very quick brush-off is just not believable.
One other thing: what exactly were the pegasus couple discussing that was taboo in Lithera's clan? Directions? Why? This is unexplained and sticks out.
You still have a great concept, and I want to see you bring this story to its full conclusion. If you ever need any ideas, feel free to ask.
Also:
Too funny.
7680071 Bluebell is very aware that she's acting too fast with Evergreen, Evergreen on his part figured her out quickly because of things she did and things yet to be revealed about his own past experiences with changelings, also the world building wasn't mine but ZOMG's he created this universe with his story The Village Called Respite. and I promise I will resume this story one day.
Sweet and romantic.