Toasted Marshmallow

ViceCityFTW

ViceCityFTW #1 · Dec 6th, 2015 · 3 · ·

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pretty good story, i love it

Lighting Ace

Lighting Ace #2 · Dec 6th, 2015 · 2 · ·

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You sir, make something amazing I hope this is not the last we see of this 2

NightZeroni

NightZeroni #3 · Dec 6th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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Bravo chuvak Bravo

Art de Triomphe

Art de Triomphe #4 · Dec 6th, 2015 · · ·

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6703141

Thank you very much.

6703567

Thank you. If I get a good enough response from this work, I will write at least a one-shot sequel.

6704275

Thank you, though I don't know what "chuvak" means.

ScrambledCrackers

ScrambledCrackers #5 · Dec 6th, 2015 · 2 · ·

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Hmm, not bad, but suffers some from excessive cliches without balancing factors. Could also stand to be stretched out a little, have a touch more buildup rather than feel a little rushed like it does. I do grant it isn't meant for deep story, though that doesn't mean you can't add in more little details to hint of one. Still earns an upvote from me.

Art de Triomphe

Art de Triomphe #6 · Dec 6th, 2015 · · ·

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6705528 Yeah, I see what you mean with the rushing. Quite frankly, I was surprised that it reached as long as it did. These things always sound so much better in my head, and they falter on paper.

ScrambledCrackers

ScrambledCrackers #7 · Dec 6th, 2015 · · ·

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6705695 It's just a matter of practice, more than anything else. As you get more experience behind you, translating to the page what you have in your mind gets a lot easier. After working on my main effort for over a year and a half, my first foray into actual writing, this fact has become very clear. I don't know what your exact experience in writing is, but really, I'd say it's just more of a matter of technical fixing for you to work on, as even with the cliche stuff and the story overall feeling a bit rushed, the flow had comfortable pacing within itself for the most part. It didn't feel jittery, just short. If you've never tried it, see if you can work with an editor or two in the future. That taught me how to see a lot of stuff in my work ever since.

Art de Triomphe

Art de Triomphe #8 · Dec 6th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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6705744 The sad part is I have a journalism degree and have been writing in one form or fashion for years. Granted, I didn't start writing fanfiction until about 2 years ago, and clopfiction more recently then that. Funnily enough, you just gave the same advice that I usually tell people who come to me looking for editing and/or critiquing.

ScrambledCrackers

ScrambledCrackers #9 · Dec 7th, 2015 · 2 · ·

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6705779 Huh. Well, in all fairness, journalism is not the same as writing fiction (no comment on current media often blatantly spinning crap for agendas). I just know what's worked for me, and after consistently working on one story for over a year and a half, and by consistent I mean writing at least a little every week or lots of contemplation of the story, I can see the improvement from where I started, which I now look back and cringe. It might be as simple as you're still seeking out style more than my haphazard "oh shiny!" approach to writing that resulted straight from no higher education. It does lead me to make messy things sometimes. And I also know how weird it is when trying out clop writing. My brain malfunctions and I run away screaming at the awkward stuff I created.

Anyway, nothing says you can't do a ton of revision and editing. I did that a ton, including a literal full rewrite of over 70k words of my main effort. I'd say give a sequel a shot, just for the practice if nothing else.

Art de Triomphe

Art de Triomphe #10 · Dec 7th, 2015 · · ·

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6705867 I can't argue with anything that you said. Writing is a process. I do actually have a sequel in mind, and I already have a skeleton of a framing device. Will need to flesh it out, of course, but it's a start.

Dank Pit