- Member Since 18th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 4th, 2023
Maerx
Sing a song for the ones who never made it
Maerx
Joined 18th Apr, 2014 ·
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I'd say this story is mostly trout with a dash of herring, as opposed to pure carp.
6653810 Thank you I guess
You should consider writing more, this is not as bad as you think, we are often our own worst critics.
6653888 Thank you. I appreciate your feedback.
I'll consider it.
6653829 Carp is a type of fish. It's a joke, I'm not acting 'fishy', I swear! I promise I'm not bitterling. I'm just messing around for the halibut.
6654273 Oh yes I know that
6654273
Just be careful you don't go all sauertrout on us.
I'm going to hell for this, ain't I?
perfer twilight but i'll read it later
Wow this was great, I love Pinkie a lot so that this was pretty well written only made all the better for me.
6656610 Thanks
YAY!! My second 1,000 view story
6653810 More like sushi to me, (this is coming from a Hawaiian guy)
6664338 My god, that name brings back so many memories of the PS2 days... Wooww.
6664460 Sly Cooper.... such a great game, along with Ratchet and Clank, also Jak and Daxter, btw I can't wait for the Sly Cooper movie next year
You asked for criticism, so criticism you shall receive.
Your writing is good in a technical sense. Aside from the many comma splices throughout the story it is grammatically correct. Unfortunately, this isn't a research paper. Stylistic criticisms ensue.
Giant walls of text man! Wow! When a single paragraph takes up almost my entire screen I know something is wrong. You need to break up those giant paragraphs into smaller and more easily digestible chunks. The weird part is that you have little tiny paragraphs inserted between the giant ones. Obviously dialogue segments don't count, but without those there are still various many short awkward paragraphs scattered throughout. Having both extremes does not average out, unfortunately.
Pacing... way too fast. You pretty much started at the climax and ended at the climax. The beginning of the story needs to be expanded more for us to get into the story before you start incorporating the sexiness. More details are needed. Why are we here? What's the party about? How do we know the girls? Why is Twilight of all ponies brave enough to ask you to dance? The story needs to slow down and give itself some time to set up before trying to jump into the action. Smut for the sake of smut is fine, but if you're going to try and include a background story to it at least try to put a little effort into it, otherwise it'd just be better off without it.
Looking back on it now I notice that there is an overabundance of unnecessarily large words. I'm hardly opposed to a story being a vocabulary test, but it feels like you searched through a thesaurus in order to put in bigger, fancier sounding words. There's nothing wrong with including them, but once you have one of them in every sentence you're going to start pushing away casual and younger readers who will find it a trying task to slog through the sea of words.
6666254 Duly noted. I appreciate your feedback
As I mentioned before, this is my first clop story. What you mostly likely saw there is my default writing style that I use in all my other stories. Now that you mention it, I'll try to adjust my writing format for these type of stories
I dunno the 50 likes to 4 dislikes says people dont agree with that statement.
I really enjoyed this and my only complaint is it could have been a big longer. Well done
""Imagine the friendship letter you're gonna have to write to the Princess this week..." Your eyes went wide as her words sank in.
Fuck." Bucking love it!!
Fuck.
very amazing
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned about the magic of the bootycall with my GOOD friend Pinkie pie...