- Member Since 18th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 4th, 2023
Maerx
Sing a song for the ones who never made it
Maerx
Joined 18th Apr, 2014 ·
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Maerx · 806 words · 34 8 · 1.3k views
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Pffft, didn't even cry. You lied to me!
Annnd Rainbow goes to jail for man slaughter.
4427448 lol longtime no see
4427474 I wonder about that. Sad thing is that she'd probably escape any serious problem because she's a Bearer.
4427594 Indeed.
Wow man, I felt that...
Nice. Very nice. I haven't read something this heavy in a long while. 5 out of 5 bro.
4428157 Thanks for the feedback! Glad you liked it ^_^
4428230 Anytime! I'm surprised this wasn't a hit?
Well, atleast it is in my book
4428244
Well it's definetely going to be my most viewed and liked story soon!
I'd love to have it featured buuuuttt I doubt that o.o
4428297 Hey, popular box is just as good!
I remember that morning when I woke up to find my story was in the popular box. Oh, along with the multitude of messages in my inbox. Holy poop, that was one awesome day.
i remember reading a similiar premise story, The End i think it was called? well this has most of the problems that had
but still it was ok
To me, this feels like good writing, but bad story telling.
It's basically a human bleeding and ponies crying for 2000 words. Solidly written but I'm given neither a sense of who these characters are, nor a reason to care that they are leaking.
Character development is paper thin, and motivations are nonexistent.
I haven't read the author's other stories, yet, but I got the impression that they could do way better than this.
Just for comparison, here's a couple other fics that each manage to tell a story about a human being completely rejected, by Ponyville, with relatively low word counts. Because it's doable.
Ending
Starry Night
Hmmmm I can see that this is an amateur work at best.
Gorey and bloody indeed, but void of practically anything else.
Character development poor (and frankly shitty)
No wonder he canceled his other fic's.
That's what they get.
I appreciate everyone's feedback: good or bad. :)
Great story! Though, I would've said to Rainbow "This is your doing" before I died just to be a spiteful prick
A little constructive criticism here: The main character needs to be more than an outlet of negative feelings, a reader has little to empathize with when the character has no 'voice' or background aside from their despair. For background we don't even know why or how things ultimately led up to this tragic event, such as:
How did the character arrive or what caused them to run off to Ponyville/Equestria?
Why the ponies treated the character this way(the reason doesn't have to be good) and blatantly disregard their own, in setting lessons about judging odd strangers?
How did the ponies and the main character's actions play into this(the OC's flash back to Rainbow Dash's rant is still just an appeal to emotion, what's the context)?
Also even if it is just answered vaguely; who is the main character?
For character voice, well... all that is given is the character is sad and tortured. No other aspects of personality or style are given. As a reader we can't visualize(literally or not) the kind of person we're supposed to empathize or sympathize with.
The above mentioned lack of background or context(mostly context) also leaves a reader unable to insert themselves into the narrative to stand in the characters place.
You might want to show more to balance out telling us so much of the characters feelings. Or, you need to change the style to a primarily third person story. With less tell about the characters feelings and more show about them(the effects on the main character's mannerisms, the effect this has on other characters); to work off of a readers urge to infer and empathize with someone else. Use some environmental elements to set up the tone.
i didnt cry but this was the best fanfic i ever read in a long time. good work!
*grabs mug of root beer and slams it into table* I demand to see the genius of this wright A sequel because I would like to find out what the out come is!
thank you have a nice day!
-What?
5259572
Wow. O.O
Thanks for the feedback! I've honestly been thinking of adding a context / prequel to this story.
It just felt really unfinished.
_ashes
After reading this I was crying like a newborn baby, this is one of the saddest ficcs i've read on this site , I would absolutely love to read a sequel
...........I can't think of any words for this.
5408346 ???
5411700 No, literally. You've made me speechless with this story. It's that good.
5411704 Ummmm....
Wow, thanks! Glad you enjoyed it so much ^_^
well this deserves an epilogue, it would be great to apply some justice or at least the element to dissociate from rainbow dash
if they disassociated themselves from celestia and luna by a conflict, murder and xenophobia must be a goodbye to the team harmony
An epiloge whit the consecuences? Prety please
5461547 A little something should be up tonight ;)
"Crocodile tears" is an expression meaning fake, pretend crying when you don't actually care. Going by context I'm assuming that's pretty much the opposite of what you were going for there.
You are truly an inspiration to us all
Oh Celestia the feels
(You've left me at a loss of words...)
5467347
Thanks for clarifying that. (Amateur writer here)
5470027
5469851
Sorry for the late reply: but thanks for the thoughts! It's humbling to know people enjoy my stories so much
5496535 Whoops replied on the wrong fic
Man, Rainbow. You're a dick!
cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1334118284384_1013069.png
this was soo sad I couldn't understand the reason why they would be so hartles but I can understand them being so upset about him dying
5512996
5587771
Yeah totally!!
That's all part of the mystery my friend
there is another one like this that has a fan made sequal and you should check both out (not dising this awesome one just giving more leeds to good reads like this ) the two im talking about are these (1st : end) (2nd : it never realy ends)
Holy Celestia... My first 1,000 view story..
WAT.
Brb gonna flip out
Could've been better but like everyone else so far you pussed out and made him forgive them even though they didn't deserve one damn bit of it.
Now I know for sure what I'll be making mine.
And so Rainbow Dash became a murderer.
I wanna like this story, but for the simple reason that he forgave them after they, you know, killed him, I cant say I like it.
But for the premises, i'll give it a like, just for the sake of it.
I do like the whole Humans being viewed as weird mutant things. Which, then again, is pretty accurate in a lot of cases. Have you ever thought about how fuckin' strange we must look to other creatures? Hairless, bipedal monkey-ish things that seemed to have just lost our tails somewhere down the line, either before or after our feet morphed into useless fleshy masses with five little stubs? Clearly you have, otherwise your story wouldn't be a thing.