• Member Since 8th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

RagingCacti


I am a bit of a closet Brony, watching the show and partaking in the fanfiction; but not really part of the community.

E
Source

When a human is pulled from his own world, and placed in the care of one Twilight Sparkle, things arent as happy as one might expect. In fact, they're almost the opposite. Will things get better before he attempts something drastic again?

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 33 )

... that was it? Waaaaay too short for such a vague description. I was expecting a grandiose tale of Twilight Sparkle protecting the human, not poetry.

Short? Yes. Good? Yes.

Something like this doesn't need to be long. It is a sad tale, yes, but after reading it I can't help but smile.

It figures Luna would be more sympathetic to his plight than the other ponies.

Also, great job describing the ponies' attitude towards the anonymous human. You really know how to inspire anger in the reader.:pinkiehappy:

2489365

Ive been thinking about making it more than a one-shot. I literally crapped this out in 15 minutes before I posted it. I feel more attached to this one than any of the other fics I have written, so I actually probably will continue it. Im just trying to figure out a direction in which to go. Any suggestions?

2489840

Thank you. I tried to make Twilight as self-righteous as possible, and Rainbow as tactless as possible; it fits with their characters to me.

Im thinking about continuing it into an actual story, but Im having a little trouble finding a way to go with it. Do you think I should? Or is this one-shot enough?

Awww man so he just says locked in there? Doesn't get out? :raritycry:

2490578 A follow-up would be nice, but this can stand alone. If you decide to try a full-length story, just say that it's based on the oneshot.

As for direction...please don't have the human and Luna fall helplessly in love in fifteen minutes. I personally suggest you make it a one-sided infatuation. In an increasingly hostile, alienating world, the human latches onto the only truly kind soul he finds and mistakes his attachment for love.

When he tells her about it, or 'confesses' and she turns him down, believing him to be joking, perhaps have him broken and lost in the Everfree after blindly running into it?

I just wanna see Zecora get a chance. She never gets any love. :applecry:

How about a follow up where he meets Celestia, she finds out what the Mane 6 have done and how they have treated them and she tears them a new one.

Probably not your style but it would be satisfying.

2493182

STOP READING MY MIIIIINNNNDD

Hey nice to see more HiE enthusiasts on the site. You and I even have similar theories about pony anatomy, awesome!

I have to commend you on your idea of the protagonist descending into rampant drug use to deal with the pain of the whole situation, its something I haven't seen very much and it goes a long way to actually making the character human. Having flaws isn't something that should be avoided and your character has some big ones. All it does is make him that much more endearing.

This was great and I have to say I would support a continuation.

This is a good one-shot. If you were to continue this I would read it. There is some potential here. However there are a few things I would recommend if you do continue:

One is that numbers under one hundred are spelled out as opposed to using the Arabic Numeral (six instead of 6).

Two is to find a pre-reader/editor to help you on your way, there are many sources/people on this site that would be more than willing to help make your story better.

Third, you stated that you wrote this in a hurry and I assume posted it quickly, I would review/revise this first chapter and take it from good to great. Take your time with each chapter you write and give it your best. People don't mind waiting for the chapter to come out, if waiting means that it is a better read than if you posted it right away.

Fourth, have an overall plan/outline for the story, where are you going, what do you want to accomplish, etc.. The plan doesn't have to be rigid, it can be flexible so you can make changes later on.

Finally, be careful with angst, too much and it becomes unreadable. I understand that losing your entire family and friends could be too much too handle and using drugs to cope doesn't help. That could be the obvious plot point, somebody (or somepony: Luna or Zecora perhaps?) helps the protagonist cope with this enormous loss and eventually flourish (it's the human condition to face adversity and thrive), through ta-da! the magic of friendship (see what I did there?) and it doesn't even have to be romance, but that would be your call.

TL;DR: There is a lot work to do if you want to write a great story.

Didn't mean to ramble on, hope that helps you if you do continue the story. :twilightblush:

2503049

The grammar and such I can work on, I spit this out in 15 minutes whilst 1/2 drunk, so my grammerification is a little lacking. I wrote it on a whim and showed it to a friend, she said it was excellent, so I got all hot and bothered, and posted it. However, if I do continue it, I might make a couple subtle changes to this chapter to allow for the plot-line I am currently sorting out; as well as get an editor.

The angst is a temporary thing, if I were to go along with that which I have in mind. It would be present for a while, but I want to make it believable. I dont want him, whom I have no name for currently, to suddenly start trusting the ponies so quickly after they fucked him over.

Also, I probably wont do romance (sorry for not responding to you 2492431 ), because in my opinion, we cant really be physiologically attracted to ponies. I mean, he could have a platonic love, maybe, but the total difference in..... well, just about every physical attribute, is too much for most people to get over. Granted, desperation does a lot to a man or woman (any type of "_____ goggles" suffices as an example), but I just dont think that its enough. The raping of RD was just meant as a moment of unadulterated hate, and I also wasnt thinking about extending it at the time, so I may or may not take that out, depending on how I want my character to act going forward.

2499909

I... I mentioned anatomy? ... I... I think I might need to re-read my own story...

2509522

"Magic is how these ponies are sapient, and thus everything without it is a “dumb animal.”"

Yep you did, its similar to my own ideas about ponies using magic both ambient and internally generated as fuel for sapience and other processes. By comparison out own purely biological processes are probably far less efficient. We humans literally require the consumption of meat (or other high energy foods) to allow us to power our own brains. The inclusion of magic generation/absorption as an anatomical feature is the only way ponies can be both herbivores and have the time to have a civilization. If humans were herbivores our biology and brain powerful enough for sapience would literally force us to spend almost every last one of our waking moments eating in order to properly fuel our bodies, not much time to create our vast and technologically advanced civilization.

2525711

It seems I did, haha. Yeah, that was my thought. I was going to have the main character have a long rant of exactly that, aimed at Celestia when she tries to teach him about the world. Beware: nothing makes sense in Equestria. And the answer why: magic.

I like it, its a nice change in HiE where a human is pulled into Equestria. Rather than be wonder struck and acclimate, the human is bitter and hates every moment of his time there and especially hates the elements.

A sequel would be great to flesh out his times with Zecora and Luna as well as seeing what he deals with from the ponies. You should also include some interaction between him and Spike since Spike is similar to him in that he is a "dragon alone among ponies".
Another thing that could be explored is Pinkie's statement to the human when he attempted suicide. I see some implied feelings (not necessarily romance) towards him as well as her intervening.

Man, Dash is really past Gilda and Diamond Tiara levels of evil bully in this fic.

Thumb and fav

This is nice, something different from all those other stories. It is good to see someone actually bothers to think how a human would really feel torn from his world. I shall continue to watch this. Have a thumbs up, a follower and this mustache! :moustache:

Keep up the good work.

This is so well written! Update more oftenly, please!

she features? more like her features.

Excellent, more please. Soon.

Awesome you've decided to keep this going.
I know you'll do great!

Heh, good.
MOAR!

Twilight Sparkle just got BURNED!!:trollestia: By Celestia using Twi's words no less!:rainbowkiss:

Be sure to show some sort of break or something if your going to shift views, kinda like how last chapter you did that line break to show the shift to the next day.

i.imgur.com/PJtnTuB.jpg

Good story so far, BUT:

While I do appreciate their concern, I am still the Goddess of the Sun. Neigh indestructible, and without equal in power.

WRONG! Lauren Faust posted on her Twitter account that this is not the case. Princess Celestia and Luna aren't any kind of gods, nor are they any less vulnerable then any other living thing; they just have the special ability to control the celestial bodies without the help of others. (Spike stated once that before they were born a small group of unicorns (12 from Faust's statement) have controlled the sun and moon).
This is a very well written and unique story, so please don't use any cliches...

2641488

I know the canon, but I reject it and substitute my own, haha. I intend not to; the whole point of this story is to avoid cliches. This next chapter has been giving me some trouble in that department, but Im working on it.

Can't breath (cough) (cough) ... need (cough) ... update.

I'm glad for the update, but I was really hoping to see Twilight get ripped a new one.

JBL

Apostrophes please. :twilightsmile:

3853389

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I do hope you will continue this, I've got a soft spot for stories of this nature.
I really like it.

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