• Member Since 23rd Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen Jun 13th, 2015

King of Baden


T

It's the Anno Domini 2062.

On the Earth, the continent of Equestria has appeared. At first, with peaceful intentions. Now, with hostile and genocidal goals. Lead by the newly-crowned Queen Luna and the Princess Twilight Sparkle, the armies of the ponies have marched across the lands from Anchorage to Petropavlosk, from Oslo to Wellington, killing and converting thousands in its wake.

Only two nations are left, and said nations are considering surrender... the Sannitian surrender.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 9 )

I think, like most first time writers, you could definitely benefit from a beta reader/pre-reader to smooth this out. The tone is a little dry, and it reads as rushed. That said, all in all, it's a great opening foray into the world of fanfiction and writing! Totally worth the time it took to read. Plus, no one ever talks about the African nations in ConBur fic, even though logically they would be the last men standing as the barrier expands, so I'm really glad to have seen this in action!

Could definitely benefit from a good proofreading/edit run. What's more troubling to me is the choice of plot direction/content, which is not something the TCB group is interested in showcasing. Therefore, I'm removing it from our folders. Should you desire a more in-depth analysis, I can provide one through PM.

This felt like an extended summary of what typically happens in CB stories and your best work was towards the middle. If you want to see more than a few likes, then you will need an original idea. Conversion stories are overused as is and won't get that much attention. So as to prevent everyone overlooking yo shit, you have either start doing crossovers or non-generic cliche-free stories that are well thought out and have coverart that pertains to the content of the story (if you can find any) you can typically find that kind of stuff at sites like Deviantart.
Anyways, for a first story you did an okay job of saying what you wanted to say. Next time you just need a proofreader or someone who you trust to read it. If you can't find anyone then all you have to do is read it out loud to yourself. This may sound fucking retarded but it really works. And don't mumble it like your embarrassed, say it like someones gonna cut your dick off (or tits if you're a girl) like a piece of shit on a boot.
Towards the end it feels like you just ended it because you didn't feel like continuing. I realize that it sucks to write without motivation, the struggle is real, but if you want people to take notice then you're gonna have to put more effort into your writing.
Hope you end up with more than one story, so look at it this way: everyone started somewhere. I realize that sounds gay as fuck but it's as real as I'm gonna get. Have fun with life

Alright, at the risk of sounding like an echo chamber: You do need a proof reader. It's very rough.

And so Herman, with Guglielmo D' Este, Milan's head-of-State, drew up a plan... a plan for kill the former Princess Luna and her lackey Twilight Sparkle.

That was just one line that I caught, among the rest. You also made some funky formatting decisions:

Herman, slightly inflating his chest, asked with a determined tone.
"Is everything ready for the plan?"

Lines of dialogue should be on the same line, if that's not clear, not split between two lines.

You get brownie points for putting Equestria in the middle of Africa, but those brownie points can't buy off all the problems I found with this story, unfortunately.

In summary: A wobbly first step. I strongly recommend putting the pen down, picking up a book/another story on this site, and pay attention to how they do things; formatting, word use. Phallus of Malice's suggestions might be corny, but they're bang on, and he speaks wisdom.

And on a personal note: I recognize this is your first story, but I found the subject matter borderline abhorrent, and the fact that I don't care one iota for "evil ponies" in TCB contributed very negatively to my opinion of this fic. Researching the source material before you jump into a subfandom in future might be something to look into, I think.

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Oh, well, if I can find one, I will try.

Interesting concept with Luna as the leader of the whole operation, the false flag operation she masterminded and the somewhat depressing ending of Ponies going extinct and with them, all traces of Human-Pony cooperation. I see potential.

That said, the prose is extremely rough and stilted in some places. In addition, I found a few spelling errors. A passthrough with an editor would help immensely.

Furthermore, the quality seemed to degrade a bit at the end – like you were trying to rush it. I suggest not rushing the story and letting it come to an end naturally.

And one question, if there were enough Ponies to defend the two nation-states from attack by Equestrinian forces, why couldn't they reproduce naturally?

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And one question, if there were enough Ponies to defend the two nation-states from attack by Equestrinian forces, why couldn't they reproduce naturally?

Because it was legal warfare. Meaning that the ponies formely owned the land, but they asked for not expanding the Barrier there.

Good story and plot this story is very ironic with how it takes place in africa but however the story said to eliminate queen Luna and her lackey twilight twilight is nowhere to be seen

4123507 oh sure we understand. misanthropic scum

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