825 - Dereliction of Duty
Akna couldn’t remember ever being as terrified as she was now.
She’d been scared almost to madness when, as Solvei, she’d witnessed her family being transformed into monsters by Prevarius. She’d been only slightly less frightened when, as Akna, she’d entered the Confluence for the first time. And those were just some of the most recent instances in her two lives when she’d been gripped by overwhelming fear.
But all of those memories paled in comparison to the absolute dread evoked by the Night Mare’s displeasure.
It wasn’t just the way she loomed over her now, a gigantic form cloaked in shadow with only two blood-red eyes visible. Nor was it the malice contained in her voice. There was a palpable aura of menace about the goddess, a panic that completely bypassed logic and reason, lending strength to primal fears that welled up from the deeper recesses of her mind.
The goddess was every stray sound that had ever woken Solvei up in the middle of the night. She was every glimpse of movement in the darkness when Akna had been trying to fall asleep. She was the anxiety that came with the anticipation of pain; the breathlessness of seeing a deadly threat rushing forward; the horror of oncoming death.
The Night Mare was nothing less than fear personified, and at that moment Akna wanted nothing more than to run and hide.
But that urge was interrupted by the sudden agony that gripped her as she moved to stand, Bloodletter scraping against her innards. Her hands still gripping its haft, the injury was multiplied as the spear’s power turned the wound back on her again, and it hurt so much that it cut through her terror, reminding her of why she had done that to herself in the first place.
“P-please,” she gasped, lowering her head, though the action had less to do with reverence than it did with her being unable to face the glowing red eyes above her. “Save Lex...”
“Pathetic.”
It was only because the goddess’s voice was filled with contempt, rather than anger, that Akna managed to retain her sanity. Even then it was a near thing, leaving her whimpering as she trembled. “He’s g-going to die...!”
“And throwing yourself on your own weapon was supposed to help him?”
The utter disdain in the Night Mare’s voice almost made Akna throw up, and it was only after several seconds that she found her voice again. “Y-your ceremonies all involve self-injury,” she gasped. “I thought you’d be pleased-”
“PLEASED?! YOU THOUGHT I’D BE PLEASED?!”
There was the anger that Akna had feared, and the manifestation of the goddess’s wrath robbed her of her remaining vestiges of self-control. She tried to rise to her feet, desperate to get away, only for her legs to slump beneath her, shaking so badly that they refused to support her weight. Unable to escape, Akna curled up as best she could while impaled, terror rendering her completely paralyzed.
Those red eyes drew closer, and although she couldn’t see anything else of the goddess, Akna could almost feel how the Night Mare’s lips were pulled back in a snarl.
“Ceremonies to me demand that my faithful demonstrate mastery over themselves. To bear pain without flinching is a show of strength; to wound themselves to the edge of death, leaving them unable to accomplish anything except to whine and mewl for me to grant them salvation, demonstrates nothing but weakness.”
Squeezing her eyes shut, Akna bit her lip as she heard the goddess’s voice draw closer.
“AND WEAKNESS IS A SIN!”
Akna’s eyes rolled back in head, and a small part of her recognized that she should have passed out from the combination of fear and pain. But no matter how much her mind wanted to flee what was happening, her awareness remained undiminished. The Night Mare, it seemed, had no intention of allowing her to escape divine retribution.
“Even after I gave you a chance to atone for your iniquity, you instead chose to compound your offenses. You don’t even understand the heresies you’ve committed, do you?”
Another spasm of soul-rending terror wracked Akna then, but this time it was accompanied by a frisson of confusion. She’d sinned against the Night Mare not just now, but before?
“I thought not.” The goddess’s voice sounded slightly further away now, as though she’d lifted her head, but the scorn in it hadn’t diminished in the slightest. “You’re a disgrace to all that I stand for. It’s no surprise that you’ve served your master so poorly.”
This time, Akna felt the slightest thread of indignation underneath her terror. She’d dedicated all of herself to Lex! She’d willingly laid down her life for him! She’d-
“I wasn’t talking to you,” snapped the goddess, followed by the sound of what could only have been one of her hooves striking the ground.
And Akna gasped as she was suddenly herself again, all traces of Solvei instantly gone.
Although she’d been thinking of herself as Akna for a little while now – her contact with her kin having made it easy for that part of herself to come to the fore – she had still been Solvei, the winter wolf and runt of her litter, just as much as she’d been Akna, adlet and shaman to her people. All of the former’s memories and beliefs and emotions were still there alongside the latter’s. She’d grown more comfortable with her own duality over time, her two halves communing with each other in her dreams as they worked out their new, shared life.
“That winter wolf serves her master faithfully,” continued the Night Mare, “and though she has no pretensions of devotion toward me, honors me by serving him. You, however, have managed to blaspheme even this penance that I assigned you.”
“I...don’t understand...”
“Because you do not wish to,” spat the goddess, her voice overflowing with disgust. “Rather than admit the truth, you run from it, refusing to confront your own weakness rather than facing it.”
“But I’ve always worshiped you,” croaked Akna, trying to comprehend what the goddess was telling her. “And I’ve served Lex, served my master, with everything I have ever since I joined with Solvei! I taught him my people’s runes! I helped him make Belligerence! I trained in my dreams!”
Another heavy rumble of the Night Mare’s hoof striking the ground silenced her. But before she could let out a whine, she caught sight of something out of her periphery. Turning her head, Akna’s eyes widened as she beheld...
Herself.
Laying naked on her back in a pile of snow, the other Akna swung her arm carelessly. “But I wanted-, no, I want to stay with my tribe! With my people! Even if I can’t bring them around to the Night Mare’s worship, I never wanted to leave them! One way or another, I’m still their only shaman! I wanted...”
Her double’s shoulders slumped as she turned onto her side, pulling her knees up to her chest. “I wanted to find a mate of my own. I wanted to be a mother someday. To have a family of my own again...but I don’t get to have that now, do I?”
Instantly recognizing herself from the first dream she’d had after returning from her journey to Darkest Night with Lex and Solvei, Akna swallowed as her other self faded away, leaving her trying to stifle the sick feeling spreading through her. “That...n-no, I thought that before, but I don’t-”
“Even now, you lie to yourself.”
“I’m not lying!” pleaded Akna. “I thought that at first, but I made peace with it! I know I’m Lex’s now, but-”
“Resignation,” hissed the Night Mare, “is despair by another name! And those who despair abandon themselves!”
That last part Akna recognized, being one of the tenets that the Keeper had taught her during her first time at the Shrine of the Starless Sky, when she’d initially sought strength-
“You never sought strength,” snorted the Night Mare. “You turned to me in desperation, raging as much against your own people as against the enemies that beset them. I gave you the means to stand up to both; Headhunter to fight the yetis, and the form of a winter wolf to demonstrate your defiance of your tribe’s enfeebling traditions. And yet you spurned the latter gift in favor of the former.”
That sickening feeling grew worse, and Akna found her throat filling with bile. “But I was going to convert them! To bring them to your worship!”
“By hiding your faith in me? By keeping the power I’d granted you a secret?”
“If my people knew I could change into a winter wolf, they’d have killed me!”
The Night Mare laughed, the sound harsh and mocking. “And in the face of that threat, your courage failed you. You perceived the risk too great, and so avoided the conflict. Tell me” – the goddess’s voice took on a sharper edge then – “if my champion had done that, what would have become of your kin?”
Akna’s eyes widened at the question, her head spinning in a way that had nothing to do with the fear enveloping her. She’d always thought that her refusal to bring up her newfound faith in the Night Mare – as well as her ability to transform into a winter wolf – had been calculating, a strategic avoidance of a fight she couldn’t win.
But Lex had looked at a fight he couldn’t win and chosen to undertake it anyway, which was why right now Yotimo and the others were alive...even if he was on the verge of dying.
The memory of why she’d stabbed herself made Akna realize that she couldn’t keep whimpering like this. Cringing and whining would only anger the Night Mare further; no matter how much it hurt, no matter how frightened she was, no matter what punishment awaited her, she had to stand up and earn the goddess’s respect!
“Y-you’re wrong...”
“Hmm?”
Even the Night Mare’s inquisitive grunt seemed belittling, as though indulging a child having a fit, but that thought was far less terrifying than imagining her as a predator about to pounce. Keeping that thought in mind, Akna forced herself to sit up and raise her eyes to the goddess’s. “I might not have had the courage to confront my tribe...but I never abandoned the idea of doing so! All I needed was to go back to Darkest Night and find another of the Umbral Regalia! If I had that-”
“You think you deserve to be given another of my sacred relics?” interrupted the Night Mare, seeming to loom larger now. “That you depend on them so much only proves that you’re not worthy of them!”
“But Lex is!” pressed Akna. “You said that Solvei’s service to him honored you, so that must mean that mine has also! If you could lend him one of your weapons, even for-”
But again, the Night Mare didn’t let her finish. “You mistake your atonement for service to me,” cut in the goddess coldly.
That was enough to stall Akna’s newfound determination. That was the second time the goddess had mentioned her performing atonement. Did she mean...?
“Did you really think it was a coincidence that you and my champion’s servant were both able to touch the pathway back to your body at the exact same moment? Or how your souls were able to merge with so few problems?”
Again, those crimson eyes narrowed. “I gave you to my champion because you wanted power without having to earn it, and now you have. In doing so, you’ve learned a lesson central to my faith: those who would become strong without developing their own power are asking to be dominated.”
For a moment, Akna swayed under the revelation she’d been given. It hadn’t been an accident that she’d merged with Solvei! It had been the Night Mare’s will for the two of them to become one!
Forcing herself to put her shock aside, Akna licked her lips before trying again to enlist the Night Mare’s aid. “But that couldn’t have been all there was to it! Solvei and I were stronger together than either of us were alone! We made Lex stronger that way-”
“You did,” admitted the Night Mare. “But not as strong as he would be if you accepted your service to him.”
“Wh-what? I have accepted that!”
“Lies.”
“It’s not a lie! I’m his! I belong to him! He’s my master now, and I honor him above all others!”
“And for whose sake did you pray to me now, before the clouds turned to ice and began to fall?”
Akna winced, her strength flagging. “That was...he told me to make everyone able to take to the wind again.”
“And yet you abandoned those orders when you realized the peril he was in.”
“What was I supposed to do, just let him die?! I wanted to save my people, but I want to save him too! I’ve always thought of him...”
She’d meant to say those words strongly, with conviction. But instead they came out as weak as the goddess said she was, and Akna couldn’t make herself pretend otherwise.
The part of her that was Solvei was concerned for Lex, and always had been. But now that she and the winter wolf were separated, Akna could feel how lacking her own devotion was toward the one she’d called her master. Ever since they’d left the Shrine of the Starless Sky, she’d been worried sick over the rest of her tribe, fretting over Silla, raging over what had happened to Yotimo, and struggling with all she had to keep Toklo and the others safe. When it came to Lex, her primary concern had been about what her service to him would cost her, welcoming the benefits that her newfound state brought her even as she’d mourned what it meant for her future.
She’d called him her master, but in her heart of hearts, she’d never thought of him that way.
“Now you understand,” noted the Night Mare, her voice pitiless. “Your other half saw how hard my champion struggled to save the ones most important to her, and knew that he was worthy of her dedication. But you begrudge him, even as he fights for your people.”
The self-loathing that came over Akna then was enough to momentarily blot out everything else, from the pain in her chest to her fear of the goddess. She’d been so wrapped up in herself that she hadn’t even known it, convinced that she was thinking of everyone else – her tribe, the Night Mare, Lex – when all she’d been doing was lying to herself about how selfless she was, even as she’d focused solely on what she wanted.
“And that’s why it’s turned out like this?” she muttered, slumping in place. “You said that Lex wasn’t as strong as he could have been...because of me?”
“A strong master empowers their followers, but strong followers raise their master to greater heights. When my champion placed a piece of his soul into that winter wolf, it displaced a part of her own back into him, but it was too small to make a noticeable difference. But the same can’t be said for yours; as limited as your tribe’s practices are, they still tempered your spiritual growth.”
“Then Lex...?”
“Would have gained new power, though far less than you did from him...but you’ve been withholding it, abrogating the loyalty that you owe him.”
Akna cringed, not needing the Night Mare to say the rest: because of that, he was losing his fight against Hvitdod now. Even so, part of her couldn’t help but be confused. “But how could I keep anything from him? Even if he hasn’t used the Charismata, I don’t feel like I’ve been trying to...wait...”
Gulping, she lowered a hand to her hips, where his mark was. Or rather, where it should have been; although she couldn’t see it through her clothes, she had the distinct feeling that it wasn’t there now. “It’s because Solvei and I aren’t fully merged, isn’t it?”
“Your souls are one now, but the mixture is imperfect,” confirmed the goddess. “Like oil on the water, you’ve pushed her soul toward my champion, keeping your own at bay, stifling the benefit he should be receiving from your joining with his servant.”
This time, Akna wasn’t shaking from fear; or rather, not from fear of the Night Mare. “Then...if I stop holding back...”
“He will receive what is rightfully his. And you shall be made whole.”
Before Akna had time to contemplate that, there was a sensation of movement from the goddess, and Akna didn’t have time to gasp as the outline of a humongous hoof pressed against Bloodletter, knocking her onto her back and leaving her gasping in renewed agony as she found herself staked to the ground, the spear grinding against her insides.
“But not before you suffer the cost of your negligence!”
Akna’s eyes snapped open with a gasp as she hit the ground, coughing up blood as she slid down Bloodletter’s length.
“AKNA!” Reaching her side, Yotimo lifted her up, his eyes shocked as he put one hand to the wound on her chest. “Why did you-?! Nevermind! Just hang on!” He immediately began tearing at his pantlegs, tearing off strips as he began to wrap them around her middle, not withdrawing the spear from her chest as he tried first to staunch her bleeding.
She wasn’t paying attention. Instead, she looked at where the massive shelf of ice was still falling, dimly realizing that she still had time...but not much.
Solvei was part of her again; she could feel the winter wolf’s essence alongside that of her own, separate but still connected.
Closing her eyes, Akna let out a slow breath as she concentrated on that separation...
And let it dissolve.
Master...
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So that's what the Night Mare was angry about. Makes sense when she spelt it out to Akna. Hopefully her action at the end will be able to save Lex from Hvitdod's possibly last move. Though something tells me that Hvitdod may be down from Lex's maneuver but its not out.
Nightmare hits Akna with the Book Of Devotion.
Its Effective?
Hopefully Aknas wind form and cold resiliance are different to Lexs Shadow form and Solveis cold resistance to be at least incremental if not vectorial, additive, multiplicative, or best given DnD, Stat additive in its Log space?
11575038 Akna has, to put it simply, always been very shallow in her devotion to the Night Mare. I suppose some of that can be laid at the (nonexistent) hooves of the Keeper, but it's not like Akna was very eager to learn the goddess's prayers and devotionals. Instead, she approached the Night Mare's religion in the manner which I suspect a lot of ponies do, expecting that in exchange for worship she'd give them power, which is a quick way to earn the goddess's contempt, because power isn't something which is given; you have to earn it.
In that regard, Akna's avoidance of confronting her people's stifling traditions was her showing she had no idea what the goddess's religion was all about. The fact that she felt she needed another of the Umbral Regalia to conquer only proved she wasn't worthy of conquering (remember the prohibition about Lex becoming dependent on Severance?), and her continued offenses to the Night Mare eventually saw the goddess doing what gods do best: giving Akna what she wanted in a way that was more of a punishment than a reward. "You want to just get power out of nowhere? Fine, now you're this pony's soul-bound follower. Enjoy all the power that comes from being his servant for eternity."
Of course, that Akna was pouting and refusing to accept that she deserved that only ticked the Night Mare off more, particularly when she started half-assing her way through her ceremonies. But at least now Akna knows she was wrong, and has ceased holding back, since that was depriving the same pony who was trying to save her tribe.
Let's just hope that's enough to make a difference.
11575106 Certainly, Akna seems to have learned a lesson here, at least to the point where she's no longer inadvertently holding back from giving Lex a power-boost. Exactly what he'll gain, and how it will help him, remain to be seen...hopefully it'll be enough to get him out of the incredibly bad situation he's in!
Hoo boy, almost 2mil words? Bring it! I'll probably read it all in less than a week!
11577377 Well, Fimfiction's estimated reading time for this story is only five days (even if that means one hundred twenty hours of doing nothing but reading) so I say go for it!
11577377
I stopped at hvitod’s fight waiting for 2M to binge read everything. It was very worth it.
11636374 It really means a lot to me that you enjoyed it so much!