583 - Good Help is Hard to Find
“It needs to be understood that the sound I’m looking for is one of elegance and refinement, rather than some crass mishmash of insouciant dissonance.”
Nod nod nod.
“But it’s not enough that it should be euphonious, you realize. It must also be stirring. Not because it overwhelms the senses with some sort of acoustic onslaught, but because its sweet melody tantalizes those who hear it with glimpses of rarefaction.”
Nod nod nod.
“Of course, the most integral component for this piece is its cognizance of its role as an accompaniment. It should seek to complement the dulcet tones of my voice, providing a backdrop against which the illustriousness of my words can reach their fullest flowering. The way a competent servant performs their duties so well that they fade into the background, the mellifluousness that I’m seeking should be felt rather than truly heard, elevating my grandeur to a truly captivating level. Is that understood?”
Nod nod nod.
Blueblood frowned, suspicious of how easily the lofty requirements he had were being agreed to. “I want to make it very clear that you weren’t my first choice for this,” he harumphed, wanting to make sure the pony he was talking to had a firm sense of their own unimportance. “My first instinct was to retain the services of the Canterlot Philharmonic, but alas, they were unable to accommodate a last-minute engagement.”
That was technically true, though the fact that the cost of hiring them, on top of paying for their travel expenses, meals, and lodgings would have done serious damage to his remaining finances had been a factor as well. Not that he was worried about money, of course; that would cease to be a problem once he was a prince again. It was just that every day he went without having regained his title saw his available funds shrink a little more…
Brushing aside that unwholesome thought, Blueblood turned his attention back to dressing down the irreverent pony accompanying him. “My next selection was a local cellist of some renown, something which I found hard to believe given that she lives in this bucolic little thorp” – he waved a hoof to indicate Ponyville as they crossed the town’s one and only bridge – “but whose work came highly recommended nevertheless.” And who was, no doubt, much cheaper. “But in this, too, I was undone, as she’s currently taken a three-week posting with the Whinnyapolis Symphony Orchestra. Which brings me to you, my third choice.”
He gave his companion a practiced side-eye then, making sure his gaze was critical and unwelcoming. But to his muted distress, all he received was a series of nods from the pony beside him, who seemed distinctly unintimidated by his scowling visage. It was enough to leave Blueblood unnerved. Word of his dethronement had already spread across Canterlot; had news of his shame reached as far as this hamlet?
His anxiety swelling, Blueblood rushed forward, planning himself in front of the mare he’d been walking next to ever since he spotted her trotting through the town square, recognizing her from the description he’d been given after asking several local plebians where he could find a quality minstrel. “Miss, er, DJ Pon-3,” he began, fighting down the urge to wince at the grandiloquent name, “you’ve presented yourself as being extremely confident that you can create music that will abet my efforts to woo a princess, but I’m afraid I must demand some further display of proof with regard to the quality of your music.”
The mare in front of him – a walking testament to bourgeois taste, with her spiky blue mane, tacky sunglasses, and some sort of plastic earmuffs; had it not been for her cutie mark of a musical note, he’d never have guessed that she was melodically inclined – came to a stop, her ceaseless nodding finally ending in favor of her cocking her head to the side. Putting a hoof to her chin, she looked away in thought, before a smile of inspiration crossed her face. Her horn lighting up, she lifted her earmuffs from her head, and to Blueblood’s confusion, placed them on him as she telekinetically cranked a dial-
And the most horrific din imaginable assaulted his ears.
The electrified screeching was worse than ten thousand hooves being drawn across chalkboards. The heavy percussions sounded like the denizens of Tartarus clamoring to be free of their prison. The atonal sound effects were like the warbling of a thousand parakeets as they were throttled in their nests by a horde of sadistic cats. Taken together, it was more than just an assault on his carefully-cultivated aural sensibilities; it was the sound of utter madness made manifest, and in the face of it, there was only one possible reaction.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! MY ROYAL EARS HAVE BEEN VIOLATED!!!”
Flinging the earmuffs – which were clearly imbued with some sort of dark magic – away from him, Blueblood turned and ran as fast as his hooves could carry him.
Watching him go, DJ Pon-3 gave a relieved sigh as she picked up her headphones and put them back on, adjusting the volume back to the level that she liked. Bobbing her head, she went back about her day, once again pleasant now that the weirdo who liked to hear himself talk was no longer ruining her enjoyment of her techno track with his endless blabbering.
“-and so you see, that’s why I need an arrangement of floral decorations beyond any mere bouquet, but rather a collection of efflorescent beauty that conveys both sophistication and hauteur in equal measure, demonstrating why a match between myself and the princess would be not only a boon to her, but to all of Equestria,” finished Blueblood. “Does that answer your query, or do I need to provide additional details?”
“No!” blurted one of the flower merchants immediately; Daisy, she’d said her (distressingly common) name was. “We get it!”
“I believe what our friend is trying to say,” interjected her companion, an (exceedingly plain-looking) earth mare named Lily Valley, “is that we understand perfectly what you mean, Your Highness.”
“After almost ten minutes of explaining, how could we not?” groused the third member of the (ill-mannered and quite possibly inbred) trio, named Roseluck, also an earth mare. “And he’s not a prince anymore, remember?”
Blueblood glowered at the tactless wench. “That,” he pronounced, using every inch of poise he’d spent his life commanding, “is a situation that will be soon rectified, if you’ll hurry and bring me your most cultured of blooms. On the double, if you want me to remember the role you played in my regaining my status.”
“Of course, Sire,” smiled Lily Valley, clearly the least dull-witted of the three of them. “In fact, I know just the flower.” Ducking her head below the counter, she came up with a set of crimson blossoms in her mouth, depositing them in front of him. “Since you’re looking to start a romance between yourself and Princess Twilight – or, um, Princess Cadance – red roses are exactly what you’re looking for! They symbolize passion, allure, and-”
“Utter banality,” scoffed Blueblood, recoiling from the repulsive plants. “Just look at these! They’re not even heirloom roses! Ugh!” Putting a hoof over his nose, lest his royal senses be subject to the quotidian stench being thrust at him, he stepped back. “I don’t know what filthy alleyway you pulled these out of, but take them away at once!”
Grumbling, Lily removed the flowers, even as Daisy brought a glass jar filled with deep pink flowers over. “How about carnations? This shade represents admiration with just a touch of desire, and is perfect-”
“For a hoedown, perhaps.” Giving a sneer that he’d used countless times before, Blueblood lifted his nose into the air, away from the offending vegetation. “I’m asking one of those parvenue princesses to merge their heritage with my own illustrious bloodline, not for some floozy to accompany me to a school dance!”
One eye twitching, Daisy took the jar away, even as Roseluck brought a flowerpot with some yellow flora forward. “Peonies,” she said flatly as she put them down. “Traditional for wedding bouquets, the yellow color signifies new beginnings. Since their name means ‘most beautiful-’”
“More like ‘most juvenile,” groaned Blueblood, sighing, making sure to do so well away from the atrocious herbage so he wouldn’t breathe in any of its lackluster odor. “My good lady, I know that high society is alien to you, but among those of us who possess actual class, there’s a saying: ‘peonies are for peons.’ And I, my dear, am no peon.”
Muttering under her breath, Roseluck removed the flowerpot, and Lily managed another smile as she gently ushered her friends backward. “Can you excuse us for a moment, Your Highness? I’m sure if we put our heads together, we’ll be able to come up with something to your liking.”
“I truly hope so,” lamented Blueblood. “But I confess, I’m losing confidence after how disappointing your recommendations have been so far.”
Roseluck made a sound suspiciously similar to a growl, and Daisy struck the ground rather sharply with one foreleg, with Lily having to struggle in order to usher them away. “We’re terribly sorry about that. Please wait just a second.”
Making a dismissive gesture, Blueblood didn’t bother answering, silently bemoaning how hard it was to find good help, especially in this dreary little burg. That Princess Twilight lived here voluntarily was a sign of just how badly the poor thing needed actual royalty in her life. The first thing we’ll do once we’re wed is move back to Canterlot, Blueblood decided. Though that’s only IF I choose her. Cadance having a husband already is certainly inconvenient, but at least she has the good sense to live in a proper city.
“Your Highness?” came Lily’s voice. “I think we have a winner.”
Arching a brow skeptically, Blueblood nevertheless paused as he looked at the collection of purple flowers contained in a surprisingly stylish vase. “Orchids,” he murmured.
“Exactly!” smiled Lily, clopping her hooves together in delight. “As I’m sure you know, orchids are the mark of a one-of-a-kind love, while also exemplifying beauty and strength. This purple variety is also the hue of royalty, which makes it perfect for you and whichever princess you choose.”
“Hmm.” Ignoring how pleased the earth mare trio looked, Blueblood leaned in closer, taking a tentative whiff of the flowers. To his mild surprise, the aroma was exquisite as he’d hoped, and he couldn’t help but lean in closer, taking a deeper breath, feeling the interior of the petals kiss the end of his nose-
“Oh, er, Sire, you…you have a little something on your muzzle there,” murmured Lily bashfully.
Blinking, realizing that he could still feel something between his nostrils even after he pulled his nose free of the plant, Blueblood’s eyes crossed as he looked down…
And beheld the monstrous caterpillar crawling up his face.
“Sorry about that,” laughed Lily weakly as she reached forward to brush if off of him, gently depositing it on a nearby patch of dandelions. “The scent draws in all sorts of creatures sometimes, but it’s really…Your Highness? Are you alright?”
But Blueblood couldn’t hear her, instead still staring at the tip of his nose. “An insect,” he murmured, his eyes widening in dread. “A common insect was besmirching my luxurious face! A lowly, base vermin despoiled my features!”
The trio exchanged a look, concerned. “Um, it was just a caterpillar,” ventured Daisy hesitantly. “It’s not like it did anything. You can’t even tell it was there.”
Blueblood, however, was beyond reassurance, his eyes rolling back in his head as he collapsed to the ground, insensate.
“The horror!” he whispered as the last remnant of his consciousness fled. “The horror!”
For several seconds the three mares just stared, with Daisy eventually rubbing the back of her neck self-consciously. “Huh. Anypony else feel kind of upstaged?”
Blinking, Roseluck removed the orchids from the countertop, ignoring her friend’s remark. “Well, at least now we know what flowers to get him when he wakes up.”
Lily tilted her head. “We do?”
“Mm-hmm.” Lifting a pot of orange-and-black blooms, she put the bouquet down with a smirk of satisfaction. “Pansies for the pansy.”
Blueblood panted, exhaustion and nerves having sapped him of his strength. Sweat ran down his brow, something which he knew was hideously inelegant, but made no move to wipe away. Even a second’s distraction could cost him everything now.
Across from him, the demon that had kidnapped the princess crouched, baring its fangs as it roared in fury at his having trespassed in its domain. But beneath the creature’s bluster, Blueblood was sure that he could detect a hint of fear. After all, the monster had surely thought that it was safe here in its underworld abode, protected by its innumerable minions as well as fiendish traps that should have laid any would-be rescuer low, leaving it free to visit vile torments on the princess free from interruption. And yet here now stood a pony in front of it, undaunted and defiant.
“Come then, beast,” murmured Blueblood as he took a slow breath, knowing that he couldn’t afford to tense up lest it hinder his reflexes. “Let us bring this dance to a close.”
As if it understood him, the monster suddenly rushed forward, one claw slicing out so fast it could barely be seen.
But Blueblood was no longer in its path, having burst into motion as soon as the demon had started moving. He’d been caught by that monster’s claws before, and though he’d suffered grievous damage from them, he’d picked up on the beast’s fighting style. No longer would he be rendered helpless, cursing his own weakness as he struggled to continue the battle. No more would he be caught unaware by the monster’s lightning-fast reflexes. The demon’s timing was known to him now, and this time the creature would fall.
With the barest grunt of effort, he sailed over the outstretched talons, leaping forward to put his hoof directly between the demon’s eyes. A pained grunt escaped the thing, its features contorting in a grimace as the blow struck home. It scuttled backward, trying to buy some room in order to compose a counterattack, but Blueblood had no intention of surrendering the advantage.
Darting forward, he launched attacks in rapid succession, his hooves blurring as he pummeled the monster. Blow after blow struck home, punching through the demon’s defenses as he whittled down its stamina, each hit causing it to stagger just long enough for the next one to land. It was working!
“Keep going!” came a shout from behind him, that of the youth he’d met at the start of his adventure, his guide who’d helped him reached the abode of the monster that had stolen the princess. “You can do it!”
Blueblood couldn’t answer, all of his focus trained upon beating the monstrosity into submission. If he could just keep the demon off-balance, giving it no time to recover!
But no sooner had that thought crossed his mind than the creature snapped its head forward, its skull colliding with his own and sending him reeling backward. Sucking in a sudden breath, Blueblood tried to recover in time, but wasn’t able to regain his hoofing before the monster charged forward, its bulk slamming into him and sending him skidding across the ground.
“No no no no! Get up get up get up get up!” yelled the earth colt.
Biting back a snarl, Blueblood struggled to do just that, knowing that he had a second – two at most – before the thing would follow up on its attack. All too slowly, he managed to rise, barely able to shift into a defensive stance as the onslaught arrived. Shifting his weight as he dodged some strikes and blocked others, he was somehow able to keep his guard up as the monster pressed him, knowing that he just needed to wait for the right moment…
And suddenly he saw it.
The monster’s last strike with its claws had just missed him, leaving a gap in the thing’s defenses. Without stopping to think, knowing that the point of vulnerability would vanish if he didn’t act immediately, Blueblood abandoned his defense, throwing everything he could into one last, desperate rush. “Take this, fiend!” he bellowed as he shot forward, planting a two-hooved punch directly to the thing’s chest, right over whatever sludge that it called a heart.
And the demon fell, a croaking rasp of defeat passing its hideous lips as it collapsed to the ground. For a moment Blueblood remained at the ready, certain that it was going to rise again. But as the seconds passed and it failed to stir, he realized that he’d done it. It was finished.
He’d won.
“You did it!” whooped the urchin, giving a holler as he reared up on his hind legs. “You beat him!”
“Indeed,” sighed Blueblood, finally feeling his fatigue catching up with him. It had been a long battle, on top of an even longer quest, having taken effort and money to complete. But now, at last, it was done. And the object of his crusade was finally within reach.
Slowly, the princess stepped forward from out of the bowels of the demon’s lair. Her dress was immaculate, confirming that he’d been in time to stop the thing from subjecting her to its foul depredations. Her hair swayed behind her as she elegantly stepped forward, the picture of grace and beauty. And her smile was radiance itself, and directed only at him as she stepped forward, her lips parting to give him the benediction that he’d sought for so long.
“Congratulations, hero! A winner is you!”
Blueblood blinked. That hadn’t been what he’d been expecting.
“Now let’s go get a hayburger,” continued the princess. “Ha ha ha!”
His brow furrowing at the uncouth sentiment, Blueblood shook his head as he turned his attention from the surprisingly unrefined princess, instead turning to look at the youth who’d helped guide him on his journey. “It’s done,” he proclaimed. “The demon is defeated and the princess is rescued. Now, how do I make this feat known to the masses?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” grinned the dirt-brown earth colt, giving the propellor on his beanie cap a spin. “You just go ahead and enter your initials now. See?”
Frowning, Blueblood turned back to the screen set in the arcade cabinet where he’d spent the last few hours. Sure enough, the screen was now asking him to enter his initials. Dutifully, he did so…and his scowl grew deeper as the screen changed to say GAME OVER. “Now what?”
“Now,” answered the colt (whose name, Blueblood belatedly realized, he couldn’t recall), “everypony who plays this will know that you’ve got the highest score!”
“And that display of my prowess and dedication will stir the hearts of Princesses Twilight and Cadance?” pressed Blueblood, suddenly wishing that he’d confirmed this before he’d spent several hours and a large number of bits on this endeavor, instead of being lured in when he’d heard the frustrated youth exclaim that overcoming the “boss monster” was a task beyond even the capabilities of Princess Celestia.
“Huh?” Scratching one ear, the colt shrugged. “Well, I don’t think they really like video games. It’s mostly just me and some of the guys from school.”
Blueblood felt his heart sink. “Some of the guys from school?” he echoed numbly.
The colt nodded. “Yeah. Like, Rumble and Featherweight and Pipsqueak. Sometimes Twist will come too, but she doesn’t show up as much since she got her cutie mark. That new guy, Sunflower is kind of cool, but he spends most of his time with Sweetie Belle.”
The colt’s face soured at that last part, but Blueblood was no longer paying attention, instead shuffling off as he realized how much time and money he’d wasted. His great accomplishment was something that the princesses wouldn’t even know of, fit only for impressing the simpleminded children of this town! All of that effort, wasted on something that Twilight and Cadance wouldn’t even know about!
Sighing, Blueblood marched back toward Ponyville, leaving the colt in the unfashionable beanie to slip a few coins in the machine he’d just vacated. For a moment Blueblood thought about doubling back and unplugging the machine, just to pay the child back for causing him so much pointless grief, but decided that was beneath him.
He’d spent enough time trying to save a royal mare who wasn’t even real.
His princess was in another castle.
“…and when I went to go talk to her directly, her pet dragon told me that Princess Twilight wasn’t even home!” moaned Blueblood forlornly. “And when I asked him when she’d be back, he said he didn’t know!”
“Oh, you poor dear,” murmured the bright green earth mare lying on the next table over. “You’ve had such a hard time of it. He’s had such a hard time of it, hasn’t he, Bulk?”
“YEAH!” howled the muscular pegasus giving her a massage.
“I know,” sighed Blueblood, feeling quite sorry for himself as the earth mares tending to him – a pair of twins named Lotus and Aloe – worked the stress from his body. As much as Blueblood knew he needed to conserve his bits, the aggravation that he’d gone through today could only be assuaged by some pampering. At least here he’d managed to find a sympathetic ear. “I was aware that being a commoner would be hard, but I had no idea it would be this hard! And the worst part is knowing that all of my effort has come to naught! I’m no closer to wooing Twilight or Cadance now than I was when I started!”
“Well, I don’t know if this will help,” grunted the green pony as her masseur pressed down hard on her back, “but I’m not sure how much flowers or music would have helped anyway. From what I know of them, those girls don’t put much more stock in those than they do in video games.”
The only thing that kept Blueblood from rolling his eyes was the fact that the twins had just places pickle slices over them. “You’re a close confidant of two princesses, then?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t go that far,” chuckled the middle-aged mare. “But I like to think I’ve gotten to know Twilight pretty well after living with her these last few weeks. And my daughter is a pen pal with Cadance.”
Blueblood snorted. “Of course, that-…wait, you’re cohabitating with Twilight Sparkle?” Sitting up, he peeled the vegetable slices off of his face, turning to give his conversation partner more scrutiny. “And your daughter is corresponding with her sister-in-law?”
She flashed him an embarrassed smile, one which changed into a grimace as Bulk bent her hind legs back. “I don’t like to advertise it too much, since it makes it sound like I’m somepony important. I’d really rather just find a nice little cottage somewhere where me and my daughter can live. But my little girl loves it, since this way she’s never more than a few rooms away from her boyfriend.”
Blueblood’s eyebrows rose, alarmed. “Her boyfriend? There’s a stallion residing under the same roof as the princess?” If so, then sooner or later they’d realize that dating a princess would be far superior to the doubtlessly-plain girl this mare had birthed, even if her daughter was apparently trading letters with Princess Cadance for some reason. And unlike Cadance, there was no indication that Twilight adhered to a religion that allowed for multiple spouses, which meant that there might very well be a disaster in the making!
But his worries were dispelled a moment later. “Oh, heavens no!” chuckled the earth mare. “She’s dating Spike, the dragon you mentioned before.”
Blueblood did a double take at that. “She’s being courted by him?!”
Her chuckling turned into full-blown laughter. “Yeah, that’s how everyone reacts at first. But what can I say? The heart wants what the heart wants. It’s just like how it was with me and my husband, back in the day. Everyone was scandalized, but we didn’t care; we were in love and that was all that mattered.”
“Yes, well, you had the luxury of not worry about other ponies’ expectations,” muttered Blueblood, not wanting to know what sort of creature the pony across from him had married that had caused the scandal. Probably a donkey, since she had a daughter now; as far as Blueblood knew, they were the only race that could actually breed with ponies, though why anypony would consent to such a thing was beyond him. “As royalty, I can’t afford to be so blasé.”
“I suppose I can understand that,” admitted the mare as Bulk moved up to her shoulders. “But from what I know of them, Twilight and Cadance don’t think like that. They’re not concerned with their status, so trying to appeal to that won’t sway them very much, no matter how nice the things you get them are.”
Blueblood doubted that very much. In his experience, mares were all simple creatures, fainting over his title and his money and his fame. But then, he realized with a frown, as princesses, Twilight and Cadance had all of those things already. Of course, not having been born into royalty, their ability to appreciate them was certainly lacking, but that wasn’t to his advantage either, since it meant that his ability to discern what was worthy of royalty and what wasn’t would be wasted on them.
Trying to romance those two was going to prove more difficult than he’d thought.
Taking a moment to mull that over, Blueblood licked his lips. “I don’t suppose you have any suggestions, Miss…?”
“Grass Patch,” answered the mare. “And I think I might have a few…”
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Here's hoping that Grass Patch can reform Blueblood. Not holding out too much hope but considering that he deluded himself into believing that winning an arcade game would garner affection from Twilight or Cadence due to the words of a certain colt, it may not seem as impossible. At the very least, he might become a halfway decent individual if things go right.
Still, this whole chapter was a great laugh and a good break from the serious matters with the other parties.
Please addict blueblood to the nintendos, and those sonic thingies! Oh, and those whatchamacallits? the Atari?
I expected the Flower Trio to end up giving Blueblood some Joke to match his name.
10754950 Certainly, Blueblood could use a level-headed person in his life. If Grass Patch can exert some sort of material/big-sisterly influence on him then she might be able to dial back his worst impulses, though it's anypony's guess if she'll be able to mitigate them altogether. A lifetime of self-indulgence doesn't seem like something easily fixable; then again, this is Equestria. If Starlight Glimmer can be reformed with a couple of conversations, would Blueblood really be that much harder?
Having said that, I had a lot of fun writing this chapter.
Alternative titles were "Blueblood's Day Out" or "Slice of Commoners' Life."
10755424 They don't seem to deal with dangerous or magical plants, thankfully. Otherwise the CMCs would just have gone to them for another magical wishing-flower (i.e. the one from Growing Up is Hard to Do, season nine, episode twenty-two).
10755049 Given that there don't seem to be televisions in Equestria, I suspect that arcade cabinets are the pinnacle of video game technology in that world.
10757124
Darn
I guess its just stratosphere for 'im then
Mario reference...XD