860 - Mind Over Matter
Panuk felt like he was about to faint.
In fact, he found himself wishing that he would. At least then he wouldn’t be in the situation he’d somehow landed himself in, pointing a weapon at Lex Legis for the second time.
Given how poorly things had turned out the last time he’d done that, Panuk could only imagine what would happen now that the unicorn was a titan.
But what else could he do? Lex had practically ordered him to attack, right down to giving him his own weapon, one which – according to what Akna had said about it – could conceivably wound him. Maybe even kill him. He’d even promised that he could stab him once without any consequences.
For an instant, Panuk waivered, recalling the anger he’d felt only a few moments ago when Lex had so callously refused to admit that he’d been wrong to kill him. Already nervous to the point of feeling lightheaded, being so casually told that his life had no value had been infuriating to hear. So much so that Panuk had caught himself considering taking up that huge quill that Akna had been carrying and turning it on Lex, regardless of the consequences.
It hadn’t been a serious notion; just a half-formed urge borne of his anger momentarily reorienting his tension away from fleeing and toward fighting, despite his knowing how insane that was. The very idea of attacking someone who’d fought Hvitdod – the legendary dragon that Aselu himself had died fighting! – and won was beyond suicidal.
Not to mention how, by any consideration, Lex didn’t deserve that, no matter how callously he spoke now. There were no rites or customs among Panuk’s people for bringing the dead back to life. Such a thing was was the province of spirits far more powerful than anything their shamans communed with. But even Panuk could tell that if resurrecting someone you killed wasn’t enough to wipe away the crime of having killed them in the first place, bringing back so many of their friends and family as well certainly was.
Which meant that if this wasn’t some sort of bizarre test, and Lex’s offer was sincere, Panuk couldn’t possibly strike him down.
Regardless of whether or not the unicorn could survive being skewered by his own weapon – and Panuk couldn’t bring himself to think that the titan was seriously offering up his own life – attacking him now wouldn’t just be retribution for the life that he’d taken. It would also be a rejection of the worth of all the lives that he’d just restored.
That wasn’t something Panuk could do.
Even if it meant disobeying Lex right to his face.
The oversized quill tumbled from nerveless fingers as Panuk swallowed, somehow managing to meet Lex’s gaze. “I...I can’t.”
The frown he received in reply almost made him wet himself. “You have no wish to strike back at me for taking your life?”
Panuk shook his head so hard it almost rattled his brain.
But that seemed to be the wrong answer, because Lex’s eyes burst into green-and-purple light. “Then who will you direct your rage toward, if not me?”
The question was so unexpected that it made Panuk wonder if he’d misheard. “I...huh?”
“You anger was made obvious in how you almost attacked me just now, despite knowing the futility of doing so,” growled Lex, staring at Panuk so hard that the adlet could almost feel his gaze boring into him. “And yet you refuse to take advantage of the vengeance I offered you. So who will be its outlet in my place?”
“You...you think I’m going to...track down those ponies you were with and hurt them to get to you?”
“Or Solvei,” confirmed Lex with a dark glare. “Or perhaps her loved ones, in order to wound me with her grief.”
“I’D NEVER DO THAT!” howled Panuk, indignant. “You’re insane! I’d never hurt my own people just to get revenge on you! I don’t even want revenge on you! I came here in order to talk things out!”
“Yet when you didn’t hear what you wanted, you were on the verge of violence,” retorted Lex icily. “Those are not the inclinations of someone who has no desire for revenge.”
“That’s different!” snapped Panuk, his anger returning. Bad enough that Lex had flat-out said he’d deserved to die, but now he was accusing him of being a threat to his own kin?! “I got mad because you wouldn’t say you were sorry for having killed me! That’s all I wanted, to know that you felt bad about what happened!”
The words surprised him even as he spoke them, not having realized that what he’d really wanted was an apology. But even now, he couldn’t seem to stop talking, and his emotions kept pouring out of his mouth.
“I get that I picked that fight! I get that you didn’t know I was bluffing! But I thought you’d realize by now that it was all just a front! That it didn’t have to end that way! You spent all that time with Akna, didn’t you?! She’s known me her entire life! She should have told you that I’m not a bad guy, and I didn’t deserve to die like that! But you just kept saying that I did deserve it it, like my life doesn’t matter at all! Do you even care that you...that y-you...”
Panuk found himself unable to continue, his ranting trailing off into sputtering. But it wasn’t because he’d realized the audacity he was displaying in shouting at the person who’d resurrected so many of his people. Nor was it because someone had come to investigate his raised voice. Rather...
“Are you alright?”
...it was because of the look Lex was giving him.
All of the blood had drained from the titan’s face, staring at Panuk with a horrified expression. Even as he watched, the glow in Lex’s eyes went out, and his tail thrashed in agitation as he took a single step back, one claw coming up to touch his forehead as if to help him think.
But no sooner had he completed the gesture than he appeared to regain his equilibrium. Closing his eyes, Panuk saw their glow go out as Lex set his jaw, his tail ceasing to whip back and forth a moment later.
Panuk swallowed, trying to figure out what had just happened. Part of him wanted to believe that he’d finally gotten through to the unicorn, but Lex’s reaction had been so overstated that he couldn’t help but wonder if something else was going on. “Um-”
The claw touching his forehead came out, palm forward, and Panuk bit his lip, thinking that he was being told to stay silent. But he corrected that impression a moment later as the quill at his feet vanished from his grasp, instantly reappearing in Lex’s grip. Panuk’s heart leapt into his throat as he saw several of the runes glow for a moment, wondering if he’d read the titan wrong and was about to die again.
But no attack come. Instead, Lex jabbed the quill into the ground before turning to look at him, his expression once again a mask of control.
“This was my fault.”
Panuk blinked, not sure what he was talking about. “Uh...”
“I do feel remorse for having killed you,” continued Lex, speaking slowly. “But I was not wrong to do so, and I will not apologize for it. When someone points a deadly weapon at you, or others in your immediate vicinity, and expresses their intent to use it, using force – even lethal force – to neutralize them is permissible.”
“...”
“I will, however, acknowledge that just because an outcome is permissible does not mean that it’s optimal. For any offense, there are a range of acceptable punishments. As I told Solvei before, the mistake I made was that I chose the harshest one. My actions were just, but not as just as they could have been. As someone who ascribes to the highest moral authority, I should have done better.”
Panuk felt a tightness in his chest ease as Lex finished. It was an apology in all but name; an admission that the unicorn wished he’d acted differently. More importantly, it made it clear that he recognized that the best outcome would have been one where Panuk hadn’t died, acknowledging that his life was indeed worth something.
A shaky smile crossed the adlet’s lips, relief robbing his limbs of their strength as he sank down into a crouch. “Okay.”
Lex paused for several heartbeats, as if trying to think of what to say, before settling on a giving him a single, wordless nod.
A breathy laugh came from Panuk’s muzzle as his tension began to fall away. “You know that I’m sorry for how I acted too, right? It was my first time being a scout, and I didn’t really expect to find ponies, of all things, let alone an unat-, er, a winter wolf, and...well...I didn’t know what to do, so I acted like I thought a warrior would have, you know? Just try and scare them into submission.”
Chuckling at how stupid that seemed now, he leaned his head back, staring at the sky. “I’ll never make that mistake again. Actually, I think I’m going to give up on the whole scouting thing. Maybe I’ll learn to carve canoes instead. Girls love guys who can carve; they know they’re good with their hands.”
“...you should return to the celebration.”
Pausing just long enough to grab his rune-covered quill – which vanished a second after he grabbed it, disappearing as though he’d somehow turned it invisible – Lex walked past him, signaling that the conversation was over.
But there was one more thing on Panuk’s mind, and despite knowing that he’d have been better off letting it go, he found himself giving voice to it as Lex passed him. “Did you really think I’d hurt Solvei – or her family – just to spite you?”
Lex didn’t answer immediately, and it was only when he’d put a few spear-lengths between them that he stopped, not turning his head as he spoke. “Some time ago, in my homeland, an...associate of mine killed a pony right in front of me. I didn’t authorize it, and they weren’t the intended target, but they lost their life all the same. I only found out later that, after they were resurrected – far from my dominion – they blamed me for what happened, and subsequently brutalized someone that I care about very deeply while looking for a way to get back at me.”
“Oh.” Swallowing, Panuk took a moment to digest that, unable to imagine hating someone that much. “What did you do when you finally caught them?”
“I haven’t,” answered Lex as he resumed walking away. “Yet.”
The malice in Lex’s voice sent shudders down Panuk’s spine, his tension spiking again as he realized that even if he couldn’t imagine what it was like to hate someone with such intensity, Lex could.
And the titan’s next words proved it.
“But when I do, his punishment will be far worse than merely dying.”
Thoughts of Silhoutte and Nosey made Lex scowl as he wandered away from the adlets’ festivities, picking his way back through the shallow canyons until he came to where he’d fought Sissel a few hours prior.
The trip was a short one, despite his unhurried pace, and his internal sense of time – which was now perfect, much like his memory, his sense of direction, and numerous other parts of his mentality – told him that he’d made the trip back in only two minutes, which was a fraction of the time it had taken him to traverse that distance when he’d been mortal.
That was no surprise, of course, and not simply because he could perceive the immediate future. Becoming a titan had increased his strength to the point where he wasn’t sure what his upper limit was. Why shouldn’t it be the same for his speed?
But it wasn’t his physical abilities that occupied Lex’s thoughts as stopped in the middle of the cratered gorge, nor was it painful old memories.
Instead, it was what had just happened that made his claws clench the stony ground beneath him, talons digging into the rocky earth as though it was soft clay.
How did I not realize what I was doing?!
It was all so obvious in hindsight. The clues had been so numerous that he couldn’t believe he’d overlooked them. As it was, it had only been by the narrowest of margins that he’d been able to recognize what was happening, letting him avoid another disaster with Panuk...and even then, it had been a close thing.
When he’d merged with that beast in Darkest Night, Lex had fully expected that it would take time to understand how to operate his new body, certain that it would take days before he felt as comfortable in it as he had in his old one. But he’d been wrong; the Night Mare had made the merging so seamless that aside from one or two small adjustments, it had been like he’d always had that physique, claws and all.
Looking back, it had been foolish of him to expect anything like that when he’d become a titan. There was no comparing a mere alteration of mass and some vicious new instincts to an existence so profoundly transcendent as to overwhelm reality itself. That had been why he’d been testing his limits, trying to figure out the entirety of what he was capable of.
And while he still hadn’t seen the full depths of his power, he’d made the critical determination that his ability to affect others through sheer force of will was far and away less than what he could do with regard to himself.
But now he knew that he’d still been underestimating what he could do.
After all, if he’d been able to alter the adlets' bodies via his will – healing their injuries simply by thinking them away – why couldn’t he affect their minds in the same manner?
Ujurak had been the first hint. He’d thought that ordering the stubborn fool to stop resisting and consent to being healed was simply his resistance bowing under pressure from a stronger personality. In that regard, Lex knew he’d been correct, but not nearly in the way he’d thought. Instead, Ujurak had given in because he’d had no choice; his will crushed – thankfully temporarily – beneath the weight of Lex’s own.
He’d done much the same to Panuk just now. When the adlet had accused him of murder, the use of that word – and its implication of an unlawful, immoral killing, rather than a justified homicide – had been upsetting. And looking back now, Lex could see that he’d transferred his own anger to the adlet in the most literal manner imaginable, driving him to almost take up Belligerence and attack him.
And that wasn’t even the full extent of what had happened.
The only reason Lex had realized what was going on was because, early in Panuk’s unhinged ranting about wanting to be apologized to, Lex – having already foreseen most of what the adlet was going to say – had been trying to figure out if the diatribe had been genuine or not. Just like with Garden Gate making a tearful speech of remorse, the veracity of Panuk’s raving had been impossible for him to determine, and despite knowing that was the one flaw of his that the Night Mare had left intact Lex hadn’t been able to help but try and parse the various nonverbal cues the adlet was giving off, seeing if his enhanced intellect could offer him some new insight.
Instead, he’d overheard Panuk’s thoughts.
How can he think I’d ever hurt Akna?! I don’t want to hurt anyone! I don’t even want to hurt him! I just want him to show that he cares about what he did!
Those had come through with crystal clarity, as if the adlet were speaking them aloud. More than that, Lex had realized that he was picking up what Panuk was going to think as well, seeing his future thoughts as clearly as his future actions. He hadn’t even had any trouble keeping them all straight, his enhanced intellect easily able to parse the various futures and contrast them with what was happening in the present.
Thankfully, he'd been able to close himself off from Panuk’s thoughts simply by wishing it. But that hadn’t made the realization of what he could do any less terrifying. As far as Lex was concerned, mental autonomy was profoundly personal, and could only be abrogated in limited ways under very specific circumstances. To be able to so easily override the wills of others, or even simply to spy on their thoughts – it was a small comfort that he hadn’t been able to perceive anything beyond "surface" level thoughts – had left Lex deeply shaken.
Now he knew why he’d felt so oddly detached since becoming a titan. Somehow, on some level, he'd perceived what he could do, and had been holding himself back. Like a blind pony clamping their eyes shut in response to suddenly being able to see, he’d sensed that he was capable of interacting with the world around him in a new manner, and had been trying to stifle it until he could fully grasp what it was.
And now that he had, it begged the question:
What would happen to everyone around him the next time his emotions got the better of him?
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Oh dear, seems like Lex feels like he needs to withdraw more of himself in order to protect others...as well as second guess himself if he's affecting those close to him just by being with them...even with all that power he just can't get a break.
Though with Silhouette being mentioned, I do wonder if Lex will ever encounter him before he returns to Equestria. Or if he had somehow ended up empowered by some divine or damned being from the other planes in his pursuit to destroy Lex.
Lex can enforce his will directly on mortal mind now also?
Dance, Puppets, Dance.
11676820 The funny thing is that this is perhaps the closest Lex has ever gotten to being able to understand others. Except, of course, that it's not really the same. Being able to anticipate their reactions, hear their (surface) thoughts, and even impose his will on them; none of those things are what he wants. While he can easily fake being able to relate to others now, that's simply because he has access to a much wider array of information...but he still can't understand why they react the way they do, and while he's come to accept that, it's an emotional wound that will never truly heal.
Of course, that's the Night Mare's credo in a nutshell. She's the goddess of (among other things) strength; happiness, joy, and contentment are all things that erode strength, at least in her mind, so it makes perfect sense to her that her champion should never have what his heart desires, always within view but never within reach.
Missed the cameo a few chapters back, huh?
11677077 That's pretty much what he's afraid of. Funny how the more power you get, the more it isolates you from everyone around you. It's almost as though friendship requires some degree of parity in that regard, rather than increasingly ascending beyond the point where others can relate to you and vice versa.
11677906
I'm afraid my memory fails me in regards to Silhouette's cameo. How many chapters back are we talking if I may ask? I'd like to reread the chapter and see if I had missed it.
11677921 Chapter 855 - Political Capital Offense.
11677965
Wait a sec...the Moon Princess' servitor? If that's really him then the butterfly wings threw me off.
Still, if that's him and he's by the Moon Princess's side, the first thing l wonder is how did he achieved that status in such a short time? Or was there some time difference going on?
11677993 Let me just say that Lex isn't the only one who's changed a great deal in a short time. And remember: a world full of potential new worshipers is something that any god would be interested, particularly when they're racial gods and the world in question is full of ponies.