But I Want It Now!
Twilight awoke to the feeling of a warm nuzzle at the base of her neck. She stretched her hind legs, tightly wrapped in the twisted sheets, and yawned. Rays of a golden dawn’s sunlight streamed around the curtains carelessly pulled drawn across the balcony doors the night before.
“Good morning,” she said in a raspy voice to the pony snuggled up against her back.
“Good morning to you, too,” Rarity said as she laid her chin on Twilight’s shoulder. Her voice sounded unnaturally loud in those quiet moments right after sunrise. “Did you sleep well?”
Twilight rolled over and gazed deep into her eyes. “I would have if somepony had let me,” she said, laying a clumsy kiss on Rarity’s cheek.
“Please.” Rarity pulled her into a tight embrace. “Don’t even pretend you didn’t enjoy it.”
“Okay fine, you got—”
Both mares shrieked when the balcony doors slammed open. Twilight threw a hoof in front of her face, but not before intense sunlight burst through and seared her eyes.
“Gah!” she said as spots danced in her vision.
Rarity clutched at her even more tightly. “Twilight,” she whimpered, “what is happening?”
“I—I don’t know, but—” Twilight paused, ears twitching. She could hear hear something soft but growing louder, something that sounded like— was that music? “Rarity, do you hear something?” Lowering her outstretched hoof, she tried to get a look at what was happening outside. She would have walked over, but that wasn’t so easily done with a full-grown mare clinging on to her.
“I think—I think I can make out a song,” Rarity said in a shaky voice. “But I can’t see a thing with that cursed light!”
The music had become loud enough that Twilight could make out individual notes. “It’s an organ,” she said distantly. If she squinted, she could just barely look at the doorway with her peripheral vision. A thrill of fear shot down her spine. “Rarity, something’s coming in.”
“Oh!” Rarity cried out again and wrapped her forelegs around Twilight’s midriff, squeezing the air out of her lungs. “Save me, Twilight!”
“Can’t—breathe—” Twilight gasped. She could see that, whatever was coming, it had a pair of large wings that intermittently beat in powerful strokes. The music crescendoed triumphantly. “Rarity, I—can’t—breathe!”
“Ah, my apologies,” she said as she loosened her grip, allowing Twilight to suck in a deep lungful of air.
The sunlight suddenly vanished as something blocked it off right at the doors. Twilight’s eyes only took a moment to adapt to the change, and she gasped loudly. “Princess Celestia?”
Head held high, Celestia herself glided into the room and touched down with an air of solemnity. Hanging from her delicate mouth was a white bundle, which she lowered onto the bed before gently dropping it.
“Greetings, Princess Twilight Sparkle,” she said with a warm smile. “Please, do not be afraid, for I come here today with the most joyful of news.” The sunlight blazed around her and made her seem larger and more imposing than she truly was. Although the music did not vanish with her appearance, it had quietened to a point where Twilight could barely hear it.
Rarity scrambled from the bed, dipping into an intricate curtsy. “Princess,” she said as she held the pose.
“Celestia,” Twilight said slowly. She rolled into a sitting position, glancing for a moment at the bundle. “I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but—what are you doing?”
“As I said,” Celestia answered, “I come to deliver wonderful news, along with… something else.”
“Something else?” Twilight said, eyes narrowed at Rarity, who still hadn’t dropped the curtsy. Then a soft sneeze came from the bundle, catching her immediate attention. “What was that? What’s in there?”
“Twilight Sparkle, my dear friend, one-time bearer of the Element of Magic, and Princess of Friendship,” Celestia said, “today your unending contributions to our beautiful, harmonious country pay off.”
Twilight frowned. “They do?”
“They do.” Celestia’s magic encompassed the bundle and lifted it into the air. “Allow me to present to you the result of the powerful love between you two mares.” The music grew louder once more, swelling in tandem with the room’s mounting tension.
Rarity snapped her gaze over to Twilight, whose face had gone blank. “She can’t mean…”
Celestia spread her wings. “Twilight Sparkle, allow me to introduce you —”
The cloth fell away and drifted to the floor, and the organ music blasted into a thrilling fanfare that almost drowned out Rarity’s gasp.
“—to your new foal, the seventh Element of Harmony!”
Heavenly rays of sunlight splayed across the pure-white unicorn foal held suspended over Twilight’s head. “Goo,” it gurgled happily.
“Twilight—Twilight!” Rarity said. She hopped back onto the bed to pull her lover into a tight hug. “Twilight, we have a baby! We’re mommies!”
Celestia beamed down at them. “This foal represents the seventh Element of Harmony: Purity. She is truly a special little pony.”
“A special baby!” Rarity squealed, bouncing in place. “A special, special baby! I—I can hardly believe it!”
“Yeah, neither can I,” Twilight said flatly. “One second, Celestia. Time out. Let’s back up a little bit.”
“Goo?” the foal said.
“Is there a problem?” Celestia asked, frowning. “Forgive me if this announcement is something of a surprise, but—”
“Something of a surprise?” Twilight barked. “Something of a surprise? What is—how—what even is this?”
“This—” Celestia pointed at the foal “—is a foal, produced—” She swung her hoof around to point at Twilight and Rarity “—by the love you two share. And I—” She poked herself proudly in the chest “—brought her here for you.”
Rarity clapped her hooves together. “A special princess baby!”
“Rarity!” Twilight snapped, pushing her away. “Would you stop screaming in my ear?” The organ music swelled again, and she hopped out of bed. “And where is that music coming from?” Despite the blinding light that still came through the balcony door, Twilight trotted over and craned her head around the doorframe.
“Don’t go out there!” Celestia cried, but it was too late.
On the balcony, out of sight from the bed, a powerful floodlight sat facing inside, and next to it a grinning Luna held over her head the music’s source—a large radio. “Greetings, Twilight Sparkle!” she said as her grin widened. “I offer you heartfelt congratulations on receiving your new daughter!”
Twilight kicked the floodlight aside so that it no longer blazed into her room. “This is a dream,” she said, scowling in Celestia’s direction. “A bad, bad dream.”
“As the one who guards the dream realm, I can assure you that you are wide awake!” Luna said. “Tell me, what did you think of the music?”
“It was delightful,” Twilight said as she trotted back in. “You think you could turn it off, now?”
“Certainly!” The radio cut off mid-chord.
When Twilight re-entered her bedroom, Celestia cast her a disapproving look. “Twilight, you seem less than overjoyed about this. Don’t you want a daughter?”
“I do!” Rarity chirped as she reached out for the foal. “What’s her name? Does she have a name?”
“Her name is Purity,” Celestia answered, “named after the Element she represents.”
Twilight frowned as she waited for Rarity’s inevitable wave of babbling to end. “It’s not that I don’t want a daughter, Celestia,” she said at last, “but this doesn’t make any sense. How is this our foal? Where did she come from?”
“You see, Twilight,” Celestia said, “the strength of the love between you and Rarity was so potent that, in a process that is entirely natural and perfectly normal, it created a foal. This foal. This one right here that is most certainly yours and in no way is not.” She patted Purity on the head. “Like I said: perfectly normal.”
“Goo!” Purity said.
Celestia patted her again. “See, isn’t she adorable?” She glanced sidelong at Twilight. "And did I mention that she's definitely yours?"
“Come now, Twilight, how can you say no to this face?” Rarity said as she pinched Purity's cheek.
“Whose side are you on?” Twilight asked her.
Rarity scratched Purity under the chin. “Why, the baby’s, of course! Isn’t that right?” she said to to the foal. “Aren’t you just the cutest widdle thing ever?”
“Fine, don’t help me,” Twilight snapped, turning back to Celestia. “So what you mean to say is that this foal right here—”
“Goo?” Purity said.
“Quiet, you,” she said. “This was foal was spontaneously generated by the love between Rarity and me.”
“The pure love,” Celestia corrected.
“Yes, the pure love. And you say that this is a natural occurrence,” Twilight said.
“Perfectly natural,” Celestia said with a sharp nod. “Happens all the time. At least once a week, sometimes even twice!”
Twilight sighed and rubbed her eyes. “Celestia, you and I both know that foals don’t work that way.” Rarity had taken Purity and bounced her on a knee, both ponies giggling together.
“Oh?” Celestia arched an eyebrow primly. “And you know that for a fact?”
“Of course I do!” Twilight snapped. “The creation of a baby is a biological process that occurs when a genetically compatible male and female mate. They—they don’t just pop out of thin air because two ponies happen to love each other!”
“And how many foals have you had before, Miss Know-It-All?” Celestia said with a frown. “What are your credentials?”
Twilight ran a hoof through her mane, tugging sharply on it. “Apparently we’re doing this, now,” she said. “This is actually happening.”
“Indeed it is!” Luna shouted from the balcony.
“Thank you, Luna!” Twilight said sourly. “Rarity, surely you understand what’s wrong here.”
“At times like these, I like to refer to an old saying,” Rarity answered, grinning as she lifted the burbling Purity into the air. “Has anypony ever told you not to look a gift horse in the mouth?”
“We can’t keep this baby,” Twilight said.
“But, Twilight!” Rarity said. She pulled Purity in against her bosom. “You know how I’ve always wanted a foal!”
“Rarity—” Twilight sighed explosively. “Look, I’m willing to talk about adopting a baby, so let’s give Purity back to Celestia.”
Rarity’s lower lip quivered. “But I want a baby now!”
“Then we’ll talk about it now, but you have to give that baby back!”
“But I want this one!”
As Twilight’s teeth audibly ground together, Celestia dove back into the discussion. “Yes, she wants this one, Twilight.”
“She wants this one!” Luna shouted.
“Is there an echo in here?” Twilight said.
“I do not believe so,” Luna answered, “but then again, I am out here and thus not subject to the acoustics of your bedroom!” Twilight smacked a hoof against her forehead.
Celestia gave Rarity a consoling pat on the back. “You should listen to your marefriend. After all, Purity does represent an Element of Harmony.”
“That’s another thing I want to talk about,” Twilight said, rounding on Celestia. “She’s the seventh Element of Harmony? Really? Why? How? What sense does that make?”
“What’s so hard to understand about that?” Celestia asked with a shrug. “There are six of them already, after all, so why can’t your daughter represent a seventh?” She slowly set the foal down on the end of the bed before releasing her magic.
“Because that’s just ridiculous!” Twilight paced across the room, wings furling and unfurling in her frustration. “If there was a seventh Element, we would have known about it from the start! Otherwise, how would we have been able to defeat Nightmare Moon or Discord without it? And if she really does bear an Element of Harmony, then where is it?”
Celestia’s face lit up. “Ah, I forgot! Luna, could you toss me Purity’s—” She cleared her throat loudly “—Purity’s Element?”
“Of course, Sister!” A large metal ring came soaring in only to be caught in Celestia’s magic and hung around the foal’s neck.
“Behold,” Celestia said, “the Element of Purity!”
“Gah!” Purity added triumphantly.
Twilight glanced at the “element” and scowled. “That’s a coat-hanger that you bent into a circle,” she said.
“Sister, I do not think she is buying it!” Luna said from the balcony.
“Hush, Luna!” Celestia hissed. “Ah, ignore that, Twilight. Luna has these odd fancies sometimes and says things she doesn’t mean.”
“Pay me no mind!” Luna cried.
Celestia cleared her throat again. “So, Luna, give me Purity’s real element.”
“I—but that is the only one you gave me!” Luna said. “Do you wish for me to make another one? I still have a piece of twine and a stone with a hole in it!”
Twilight used her magic to lift Purity out of Rarity’s grasp. “Take her back,” she said, pushing the foal towards Celestia.
“No!” Celestia said. Her own magical light encompassed Purity and pushed her back. “You take her!”
“No, you!” Twilight said.
“You!”
“You!”
“You!”
Held suspended in mid-air between the two arguing princesses, Purity began to wail.
“Stop it, both of you!” Rarity shouted, reaching up to pluck Purity out of the air. “You’re disturbing my baby!”
“Rarity, she’s not your baby,” Twilight said with a growl. “We don’t know whose baby she is!”
Rarity cradled Purity in her forelegs and turned away. “B-but, I already love her so!”
“Yes, she already loves her so!” Luna said, and the organ music resumed.
“I heard her!” Twilight snapped. Her horn flared and sent a bolt of energy shooting out the balcony door. She heard Luna yelp, followed by a much more distant crashing noise. “And don’t even think about going down there to get your radio back!”
“That was rude,” Celestia said, staring at Twilight down her nose.
“Celestia, I don’t know where you got this foal,” Twilight said, “and I don’t know why you’re trying to pass her off as my magical lesbian love-baby who also happens to be the seventh Element of Harmony, but—”
“Officer! There she is!” a voice from outside cried. “There’s the mare who took my foal!”
“Sister, I beg your forgiveness!” Luna shouted. “The search party spotted me while I peeked over the railing!”
“Damn,” Celestia muttered, putting a hoof to her chin. “And we still have at least ten of these things to get rid of.”
Twilight’s ears pricked up. “Ten? Ten what?”
“Don’t worry,” Rarity said to Purity, who started to sniffle. “Mama will protect you. Yes she will!”
“Let us make haste before the constabulary apprehends us!” Luna cried.
“Twilight,” Celestia said, “do you think—hypothetically speaking, of course—do you think Fluttershy would be interested in adopting two or three foals if I told her that they were misshapen kittens?”
“If you told her what?” Twilight shouted.
“Oh, yes,” Rarity said, “Fluttershy loves kittens.”
Twilight grabbed Celestia’s shoulders and shook her. “Celestia, where did you get this foal?”
“Sorry, Twilight, gotta fly!” Celestia said as she shook her off. “Nice seeing you! Enjoy your new baby! Bye!”
“Wait—” Before Twilight could say anything else, Celestia was out the door and soaring away. When she ran out onto the balcony, both sisters had already vanished, along with the spotlight. On the ground below lay the scattered remains of Luna’s boombox.
“So, dear,” Rarity said as Twilight shambled back in, “what should we do first with our baby?” She squealed loudly and kicked her hind legs. “Oh, let’s go shopping! I simply must organize a wardrobe for our little darling. An outfit for every occasion!”
A loud pounding came from the bedroom door. “This is the police!” someone shouted. “Open up!”
Twilight dropped to her haunches and slammed her head against the floor.
In a poorly lit jail cell, a scowling Twilight Sparkle sat on a cot with forelegs crossed over her chest.
“Dear,” Rarity said, sitting next to Twilight, “don’t be angry. I’m sure the princesses didn’t mean to get us sent to prison.”
“Goo,” Purity said with a nod.
“Of course I’m right,” Rarity said as she hefted the foal into her lap.
“You know, I understand why we’re here,” Twilight said sourly. “They think we abducted—how many foals was it, again?
“Twenty three,” Rarity said.
“They think we abducted twenty three foals. But why, in the name of all that is sacred—” Twilight jerked her head in Purity’s direction “—did they stick her in here too?”
“Maybe they think she’s an accomplice,” Rarity said.
Purity shrugged her shoulders. “Gah.”
“But that makes no sense!” Twilight protested.
“Sense or not, here we are.” Rarity rubbed her cheek against Purity’s. “I do believe she has my eyes. Do you think she has my eyes, dear?”
Twilight sighed. “You know what I think? I think I’m done with today. Wake me up when this nightmare ends, would you?”
“Certainly, dear.”
“Goo.”
“So,” Twilight heard from the next cell over as she laid her head down and closed her eyes, “did you girls get arrested for adopting a dozen stray kitties too?”
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You know, I always did wonder how Sunset Shimmer ended up in the castle, only to be tossed out when she hit puberty. I think I now have my answer.
What even
I'm surprised Twilight didn't ask to be put in a separate cell.
This was certainly something, different,
Magnificent
*Wants to compete in contest*
*Reads the amazing first entry*
img.memecdn.com/fuck-this-shit-im-outta-here_o_564982.gif
6589686
She got pawned off to Principal Celestia by Princess Celestia, who lied and said Sunset was a really, really, really big hamster? I like where this is going.
6590121
How odd
6590459
Equestria doesn't have any laws against sex in prison, so... there's that.
6590802
Hi, Biased. Nice to meet you.
6590945
They do say that variety is the spice of life!
6590948
Thank ya, sah.
6591027
Don't worry—there's always second place, you know!
Edit: Ugh, this joke feels really mean, but I'm leaving it in. Sorry, Link.
6591060
6591225
But how else are you going to tell if it's full of angry Greeks?
Oh wait, not that relevant to this story. Still silly.
This was the song I imagined playing from the radio.
Excellent way to end a hilarious little story; this had me on the floor laughing.
Sweet baby Jesus...
Now, I could ask why the flip Celestia steals babies and tried to give one to Twilight...but that would be missing the point. In other words, this is funny.
I... I don't even...
6592583
I don't give a damn, I want answers.
I have So many questions I don't even know how to start
10/10 would bang
What
what
why are the Princesses kidnapping foals
why did they blame Twilight and Rarity
why did purity go to prison with them
why the seventh element
so many questions unanswered
so little time
6594173 you stole the words right out of my mouth.
…wtf did i just read?
This feels like an arrow of snark aimed directly at the author of the Winningverse. I think I love you.
Luna was running out of "children of the night" again wasn't she?
What. The. Fuck.
I... I just... I don't even...
I just can't. No. Everything about this is wrong. Rarity and Twilight? Just what? What were Celestia and Luna even doing. I just...
Fuck. I can't even... Just fuck.
6592069 get yourself a dragonite?
Sorry I had to
omg yes 10/10 it would have gotten a 8 but the ending gave it the extra 2
no, No, NOOOO!!!!!
No more Raritwi shipping, no more!!!!
I need pictures of Raridash IMEDIATELY!!!!!
Soz
Well done, Mesa.
The only foals that pop out of thin air are Draconequus ones. So where the hay did Celly and Lulu....
....
....
....Aw, fudge.
Is this suppose to be funny because I see what you're trying to do,but most characters in this are OOC. If this was a dream it would be funny.but jeez Im not seeing the punchline
I like it, everything make perfect sense
38.media.tumblr.com/83914b27b21d36e3b815b2c6dd6da062/tumblr_inline_mt56ihYJpE1qh4g27.gif
Almost thought Celestia was trying to pawn off her own foal after a bit of fun with some guards.
What did i just read, and wait, is fluttertshy in jail also?
6592069 Yes, that is the human equivalent of what Celestia tried to pass her off as.
6595892
Blazu! I put words in the computer and good things happened. It's a miracle!
I feel like the resons that they were taking babies was a wasted opportunity for a very good punchline
amusing. xD nice work.
OK who let the princesses get in to evidence room this time? Wait what do you mean they was last seen fleeing a maturity ward with how many. ........oh blo.........you know what I quit!
So, because I had a few hours to burn, I finally read it.
Now, some part of me is still going nuts, screaming for answers.
Yet some other part of me isn't even vaguely suprised. Maybe because I primed my brain first with another fic.
Great writing, though the plot was nonsensical, it was consistant. You still entirely blow me out of the water in the writing department.
The story in the end made far too little sense to me, though.
I have no idea what just happened, so I'm going to pretend none of it happened.
Hmm, you seem like a complete jackass from most of the forum discussions I spot you in. So I'm like, "Let's check said jackass out." Now after reading a little one shot I must digress, your a complete jackass that can write some decent horse words at least.
6950528
*you're
What? I've apparently got a reputation to maintain, right?
But seriously, thanks for the compliment. Oh, and thanks for saying I write decently, too.
6950562
I'd expect no less.
media.thedailytouch.com/2013/12/when_someone_has_done_a_good_job-13369.gif
This was bucking nonsense.
....
...
..
.
Sequel, please
7287196
I can't promise anything, but if I write a sequel, it would probably be about Purity taking control of the prison gang before trading Twilight and Rarity to Fluttershy in exchange for a pack of contraband pacifiers.
7287212
Add in Sunbutt as tge leader of a rival gang for more shenanigans
I wish I could tell you that Fluttershy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let her be. I wish I could tell you that, but Ponyville is no fairy-tale world. She never said who gave her all those cute little homeless, deformed kitties. But we all knew.
This was fantastic 😻 Yet again Twilight is left to clean up Celestia's messes like it was nothing.