• Published 9th Jun 2012
  • 2,376 Views, 101 Comments

The Element of Loyalty - Darkswirl



Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo struggle to figure out how to continue with their lives.

  • ...
14
 101
 2,376

Chapter Nine: Acceptance

"You can do it, Rainbow Dash; I believe in you." Derpy Hooves said as they both stood outside the door to Scootaloo's room.

Dash tried to control her excitement, but it wasn't easy.

"C'mon, I can't wait to see the little squirt!" she said cheerfully.

"Not to mention you've been healing incredibly fast and very well-" Dr.Stable was explaining as Derpy and Dash trotted into the room.

"Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo gasped in amazement, shock, and joy.

"Hey kid; how've ya been?" she said and took her place across from Dr. Stable.

"Hello, Ms. Dash. I was just telling Ms. Scootaloo how amazed I was at her healing rate. She should be out of the hospital in another week; that is, as long as she doesn't pull anymore stunts." he finished, trotting out of the room.

"I can't believe you came!" Scootaloo exclaimed.

"I'd never leave my biggest fan hangin'!" Dash giggled.

"I...I wish I could get up and hug you..." Scootaloo admitted sadly.

Then suddenly, Rainbow Dash leaned forward and carefully wrapped her hooves around the little filly.

"You're so awesome, Rainbow Dash..." Scootaloo whispered.

Not as awesome as you are, kid. she thought happily, a tear forming in her eye.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~=Epilogue=~

"C'mon kid, race ya' there!" Rainbow Dash shouted as she sped ahead of Scootaloo and into Cloudsdale.

Scootaloo kicked herself off the ground and flapped her wings, first making a soft buzzing noise which then turned into slow flapping as she took off into the skies.

"Rainbow Dash, look! I'm doing it!" she shouted to her role model, who had stopped to wait for her.

"Good job, Scoots! I always knew you could do it!" Rainbow Dash encouraged, guiding Scootaloo up to the cloud city.

"I still can't believe you're doing this! This is so awesome!" Scootaloo shouted as they landed on the fluffy streets of the sky city.

Rainbow Dash giggled and led the way to City Hall.

-

"Sign here and here, please." the purple pegasus receptionist said, handing them two new forms.

Rainbow Dash sighed as she signed her name for the sixteenth time, then handed the pen to Scootaloo, who signed her name enthusiastically.

"Thank you very much; it's now official." the purple pony said as she started making copies of the forms.

-

As Dash trotted out of the cloud capital, documents in mouth, Scootaloo suddenly stopped bouncing around her and noticed Derpy Hooves and Spitfire sitting outside of a coffee shop.

Dash took notice as well and galloped over.

"Oh, hey Rainbow! Hey Scoots! Glad to see you could make it up here, especially after how soon you got out of the hospital." Spitfire said calmly, taking a sip of her drink.

Scootaloo began blabbering in an excited tone about Celestia knows what, so Dash sat at the table with her two friends.

"I didn't know you two knew each other; how'd you meet?" Rainbow Dash asked, a hint of playfulness on her tongue.

Spitfire and Derpy shared a knowing look and didn't answer.

"So.....Anyways, I guess I'll catch you two later!" Rainbow said, starting to leave.

"Dash, wait up!" Spitfire called before the blue mare could fly away. "You forgot something..."

Dash couldn't believe her eyes.

On the table in front of Spitfire sat a neatly folded blue and yellow body suit.

The suit that Dash had dreamed about wearing since she was a little filly.

The suit that was now HERS.

-

"So...Sleepy..." Scootaloo said as she stumbled into Rainbow Dash's cloud home.

"Heh, the bed's in the back; I'll sleep out on the couch for tonight." Dash said, dropping a stack of papers on the fluffy table before heading into the back.

"By printing your name, you hereby claim all parental responsibility over Ms. Scootaloo.
By printing your name, you acknowledge that Ms. Dash has claimed parental rights over your being.

Adoptive Parent's Signature: Rainbow Dash
Adopted Child's Signature: Scootaloo"

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 29 )

ME GUSTA. So much D'AWWWW :scootangel: :heart::heart:

740823 Glad you like it. ^_^

Great job and even greater story from start to finish. :scootangel:

I am glad to read it all the way through and I was a bit surprise with how you included :derpytongue2: as a supporting character in this storyline.

Once again nice job indeed.

This was so cute! I love storys where RD and Scootaloo become family. :heart: Great job. (:

740894 well sort of I thought spitfire was going to go and visit scoots while she was in the hospital after RD accepted what she needed to do

741406 Thanks! And Derpy Hooves is best pony; that's one of the reasons I did it. XD

741648 Thanks! Glad you liked it. ^_^

742127

That is true, Derpy's one loyal Pony. :derpytongue2:

:pinkiesad2: So awesome... I love this story.

766660 Please don't ever think about killing yourself. It may not seem like it, and I know I don't know you, but there ARE people who love, respect, and welcome you. You may not even know them yet; it could be your special someone who you don't even know likes you. I'm glad My story helped you. *Hugs* :twilightsmile:

:twilightsmile::twilightsmile:SO MUCH WINNN!!!!!!!!!!!:scootangel::scootangel::rainbowkiss::rainbowdetermined2::derpytongue2::twilightsmile::duck::yay::raritywink::pinkiecrazy::pinkiehappy::heart:

794676 SO MUCH EMOTIONS X3

728282 EXACTLY what I would have wound up trying to do. I don't see it working out whether for either of us

766660 Well, everything worked out because you aren't dead and in a few years you should be pretty flippant about it.

Beautifully written!!!!:fluttercry:

829263 Why thank you. ^_^

970581
970581
Thank you for your concern with the story format. However, the story is under lock and no changes shall be made, as the writer is taking on other projects. To address your concerns, sharp eyes will notice the '-' just fine, and a space was added after the beginning quotation mark to avoid confusion (as although "' is correct, it does not look as so). Thank you for your time.

A good read. I wasn't expecting Derpy to appear is this, but I quite like the way she was portrayed :twilightsmile:

Oddly enough, Rainbow Dash stikes me as mercurial a personality that I can see her trying to hurt herself if she got it in her head that she was somehow responsible for Scoot's situation. I can also see her initially trying to run away or deny what's happening. She's not the most mature of ponies, maybe even a little childish, but she has a honest, loyal soul and I agree that she would put someone who needs her ahead of her own ambitions every time.

You asked for it, so here it is.
One IIE Review comming up.

Overall I thought that this was a quite well done story. The basic plotline was engaging to keep the reader occupied, the chapters were short enough that the reader focus was not lost, and it had plenty of good moments.

Most of the issues that I noticed were very small ones that may not be noticed by everybody – things like technical accuracy of medical protocol.


Plot
Overall I thought that the plot was well done as a look at how Rainbow would react to an extreme crisis during the culminating moment of her life long dream. Your decision to name the latter half of the chapters after the 5 stages of grief was useful in ensuring that each chapter was focused on a single topic and gave those who actually read the titles a little bit of extra information going in.

One thing with that though was that Chapter 7: Bargaining didn’t have any actual bargaining in it, only a ‘here are two, choose one’ option from Spitfire.

I also noted two technical inaccuracies relating to the medical side of the story. One was Scootaloo’s reaction to when she was injured, the other was the letter that Rainbow received

Point #1: Scootaloo’s injuries.

"Apple Bloom, go get Fluttershy, or Rarity, or someone! Hurry!" Scootaloo heard, although a bit distorted. Her whole body felt like it was on fire. She couldn't open her eyes.

In a real trauma event, Scootaloo would not be feeling like she was on fire. People who have been through extreme impact trauma tend to either feel nothing at all, or a sense of being cold. This is logical as the body, when under extreme stress will shut down everything that is not related to survival. This includes lower blood flow to limbs and a lowering of the core temperature in order to conserve energy and reduce blood loss. Her body would have released a massive dose of Adrenaline and other chemicals like Dopamine to combat pain

Point #2: The Letter

I regret to inform you that Ms. Scootaloo has suffered incredible amounts of physical damage and is currently in critical condition. Her limbs are shattered along with one of her wings, and all of her ribs are broken. She has been slipping in and out of consciousness and has requested your presence. As by law, since the child has no parents, you are offered the chance to adopt Ms. Scootaloo at her request and your consent. Please be aware that the hospital does not handle the legal proceedings related to adoption; we have only informed you of Ms. Scootaloo's requests. Visiting hours are between 8:00 AM and 8:00 PM, throughout the week.
Respectfully,
Ponyville Central Hospital
Dr. Stable - Nurse Red Heart"

This letter contains several breaches of hospital protocols pertaining to doctor/patient confidentiality and legal obligations.

Firstly, for injuries as severe as Scootaloo’s, the extent of the damage would not be released to anyone except a next of kin. It would be a criminal breach to inform Dash of this, especially in a letter that could be miss-delivered.

Secondly, the hospital would have grossly exceeded its authority by offering Dash the ability to adopt Scoot without first clearing it with foal services, given that as an orphan, Scoot would be in the care of the state. Even if it is Scootaloo’s wish that Rainbow be informed, such an idea should be discussed in person at the hospital.

With that in mind, I would rewrite the letter as such

I regret to inform you that Miss Scootaloo has suffered incredible amounts of physical damage and is currently in critical condition.. She has been slipping in and out of consciousness and has requested your presence. Additionally there are other matters that Miss. Scootaloo has asked me to relay to you that are not suitable to be enclosed in this letter and must be discussed in person. If you could attend to these matters as soon as possible, We will be able to assist you and Miss Scootaloo through this tough time. Visiting hours for Ponyville General are between 8:00 AM and 8:00 PM, Daily
Respectfully,
Ponyville Central Hospital
Dr. Stable - Nurse Red Heart"

And have the doctor give Dash and aside when she arrives at the hospital in which she in informed of Scootaloo’s injuries and her desire to be adopted.


Characters
First off, I loved the way you handled Derpy in this story, taking her from a bubbly air head to the most stable character in the story. She was a well done source of level headed advice that Dash needed, but you also managed to keep her scatter brained muffin obsession in there as well.

One thing I noticed with her was that her back story didn’t actually answer how she got her bubble mark, it just sort of trailed off during the tragedy.

While I didn’t like Dash’s character during this story, I did like how she reacted to the various events. When faced with a snag to her life long dream she did the only thing she knew how – total denial for as long as she could, hoping that the problem would go away on its own, until the other stages of grief caught up and with Derpy’s help she was able to reach acceptance.

The final scene between Derpy and Spitfire was touching without having to be overly explicit about their prior relationship.


Grammar
Overall, the grammar was quite good, something that I have noticed is normal through out your other stories as well. Paragraphing and spacing are well done, as is most spelling and usage of punctuation marks.

One thing I saw was in the letter, in which you used Ms. for Scootaloo’s title. When referring to a female, there are 3 possible options. Miss, Ms. and Mrs. Mrs. is exclusively for people who are married, Miss is for unmarried and Ms. is for those who are either divorced or widowed. By using Ms. you are implying that Scootaloo has already been married, something that is very unlikely for a foal of her age.


Final verdict: Very good. Only a few little things marr this story
Reccomendation: Rewrite the letter. Leave the rest as is.

~Fimbulvinter. Section Trainee for the Impartial Investigation Ensemble.

1791698 This brings a smile to my face. I will edit as soon as I am done eating. :pinkiehappy:

1791698 Also, while I am not disagreeing with you, but on the letter I would like to point out that since Equestria is an entirely different world (despite having some of its structure based off of ours), different rules may be in place.

1791741 No problem. Its always nice when the author appreciates the work that goes into writing one of these.

1791784 True I guess. It's your story so you can do what you want

Wow, now that was good. I feel that the tragedy tag is not quite needed but I understand that you have it there. That knowing look between Derpy and Spitfire. I know how they know eachother! I don't know how to have that black bar go over words that are spoilers so if you don't want to know turn away now-----------------------Spitfire was the pegasus in the box that helped Derpy carry the vegetables!
That was very good. I look forward to reading the rest of these "the element of_____" stories. Keep up the great writing!

2404928 Like this!
[.spoiler]

2405545
I tried, still won't work for me.

2406708 Take out the period in [.spoiler], an add words between ] and [. Emotes won't be hidden. If that still doesn't work, your computer may not be able to handle the unicoding.

Good story, loved it

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!