The Tale of Charcoal Claws

by Zoodude255

Awakeing

Ow.
Head hurts.
What?
Oh god.
Please yes.
I’m in Equestria.
Everything is too bright to be earth normally. It looks like a cartoon.
Ow, need to shut my eyes again. It’s too bright.
Who knew pony’s eyes were so sensitive?
Wait. Pony’s eyes can’t be this sensitive…
I’m almost seeing…heat.
Oh god. I need a mirror.
There’s the lake. It’ll do.
I look in.
That’s not a pony.
That’s a dragon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fluttershy was busy tending to her normal duties when she heard the roar. It wasn’t too scary; it sounded more like something in pain or horror than in anger. But it was nerve-wracking to such a timid creature as Fluttershy. Gasping, she dropped the basket of nuts and berries she’d been distributing to her friends. Hiding behind a tree, she walked slowly forward to the next one, until she could see the cause of the roar.

It was a dragon.

Fluttershy was terrified of dragons. They were so unlike any other kind of animal she was used to dealing with.

This one seemed young, but she knew little about dragons, save for Spike. But this one looked like an adolescent; but unlike many teenage dragons, this one looked more like a shrunken adult, but extremely thin. It was long, black and sleek, with golden spikes cresting its head in a circle, with a long mane of green flowing down to the nape of its neck. The eyes were also gold; its canines, long, white and gleaming.
But besides what the dragon looked like, there were other stranger decorations around him. On his claws, he wore two leather gloves, with enough room for his fingers and claws to poke through. There were chains fasted to his legs, but these seemed to have broken in some furious struggle. It was covered in scars, and while some seemed self-inflicted in its furious fight with the air, the 3 scratches around its eyes were older; not years, but at least a few months. And finally, there was the color around his neck, studded with blue gems.

Fluttershy watched as the dragon continued to tear up the ground in a fury, unsure of what to do; she knew as Ponyville’s resident animal expert, she needed to do something. But she was still very afraid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suddenly, I stop my fit of rage at becoming a dragon instead of a pony.
Sniff.
Sniff sniff.
SNIFF.
Pony flesh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I smell you”

Fluttershy’s heart nearly stopped.

“Come out, pony.” The dragon said. Its voice wasn’t like many other dragon voices. It was deep, yes, but it sounded kinder. It was this kindness that made fluttershy step out into the light, and walk extremely slowly toward the lake shore.

“Hello” said the dragon, gently and evenly.

“H-hello” whimpered Fluttershy.

“Do not be afraid” the dragon said coaxingly. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
It reached a claw out, as though for a hoofshake. Fluttershy, seeing the great curved claws, squeaked and backed away. The dragon looked at his claws and silently cursed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I was forgetting about those.
I’m a dragon. Fluttershy is afraid of dragons.
I should know this.
Ok, she’s coming back. Maybe this time she’ll say something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Um.” Started fluttershy, “What’s your name?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh.
Good Point.
What is my name?
I looked at my claws.
I looked at the ground.
I looked at my claws again.
I looked at my reflection in the lake.
I looked toward the sky.
Suddenly, it came to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“My name,” the dragon said slowly, “Is Charcoal Claws.” He once again held out his hand, but managed to retract his claws, until they were little more than golden nubs on his hand. This time Fluttershy took it, and he gently pumped it up and down.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Claws.” She said. “Normally, I’m a-afraid of dragons…”she continued shyly.
Charcoal chuckled. “I’m not exactly a normal dragon.” He sighed. “I’m a bit lost as well. Do you know if there is an inn nearby?” He stretched. “Not that they would like having a dragon; bad for business, you see.” Grinning, he dropped to all fours. Even standing, he was a full head taller than Fluttershy. He was about the size of two ponies length, and standing on two feet, as he usually was, he was about 2 ponies high.

“Oh well, there is no inn, but um…I’d- I’d be willing to take you to my house…provided, of course, you don’t eat any of the critters there as well.” Fluttershy replied quietly, and a little nervous.
Charcoal blew smoke rings. “That’d suit me just fine, miss fluttershy. Lead on.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fluttershy. Huh. Not the first pony I thought I’d meet. I was a dragon, after all. Like she said, she was terrified of dragons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two new friends walked back to Fluttershy’s cottage. Charcoal walked on all fours with a loping stride. Fluttershy was quiet, as she usually was, but Charcoal knew it wasn’t out of fear. She was thinking about something.
“Um, Charcoal.” She started to speak, “Can I ask you something?”
“Course you can.” He smiled. “what?”
“What…what do you want for dinner?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh. That would be a problem.
I’m a dragon. Ponies don’t eat meat.
Wait….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Fish.” he grinned after a pause. “I think that’ll work.”
“Oh. Um, I don’t usually eat fish, but I give it to those creatures of mine that do eat meat. I’m sure we can get some.” Fluttershy said. “But yes, it is better than the…alternative.”
Charcoal chuckled again. “Indeed.” He gently scooped up Fluttershy in his claws and placed her on his back. “Now, we need to get there before dark. I’m not pony,” he continued, “but Everfree, even the edges, is no place for a weary traveler.”
With that, he launched himself into the air, carrying the screaming fluttershy with him.

“Uh, excuse me, Mr. Claws!” she yelled over the howling wind, “I don’t mean to be rude, but…I have my own wings!”
Once again, Charcoal chuckled. “I know. But you seemed like you needed a boost.” With that, he flipped over and fluttershy fell of his back, opening her wings as she did so.
“Oh, really?” she said. “Uh-th-thank you.” She blushed. Charcoal inclined his head, opening his wings fully, now that Fluttershy was no longer on the joints. With that, the two new friends flew toward her cottage, and Charcoal wondering what the coming days would bring, and Fluttershy wondering where on earth she was going to get some fish last minute.

Comments

[Joketheman]

Hm not bad.
A little rushed.
How dose he know how to flye?
Stil good so far :

[Jaohni]

676289
Well you see...Aliens.Jpg

On topic, I think this is a nice story, don't see why everyone hates it But you'll work through it, I'm sure. On a side note, congrats, you got a stalker

[thewaffler]

It was alright, The formatting could use some work like using Italics to separate 'thought' from "speech." The only other issue and it's on the nit picky side, the name is on the generic side, but as long as the character doesn't venture into Sue territory, it could make for a good fic.

Peace Out.

[thelazycommenter]

Good enough, Me shall wait for more

[thaman]

Two main things:
1. "Awakening" has an "n" in it.
2. Formatting isn't the best. Do two spaces to separate a paragraph.

Other than that, pretty cool. I'm interested in this dragon. I want to know more about him, which is a good thing. You created a character that's shrouded in mystery. Good job!

[zmuscle]

i like it cant wait for the next chapter

[ElijahBleu]

i swear to faust i just made thet squeaking noise

[Literature]

Rushed, but otherwise very good.

[NovaStar_SkyDancer]

I'd prefer it if the pov didn't change so often, kinda rushed/short. Great story idea, can't wait for more.

[Thardoc]

This one seemed young, but she knew little about dragons, save for Spike. But this one looked like an adolescent; but unlike many teenage dragons, this one looked more like a shrunken adult, but extremely thin. slight overuse of "this one"

i suggest making less of those large pauses indicated by the lines. I suggest 1 space between each time a different character talks
and 2 spaces between paragraphs.

and it is a bit rushed, but i doubt i could do better, getting an editor or doing a few of the suggestions you have recieved and this could become a featured story!
my attempt at an HiE gone manticore fic was so bad i threw it out, and am not sure if i want to try again haha

(if you need an editor i wouldn't mind helping )

[Agrith]

Could use fewer pov changes , but other than that, MOAR!!!!!!!

[Zoodude255]

677219
you'd be my second then. i have no ide what happened to Grey bite, but i suppose i could use some help XD
676895>>676505>>676369>>676337>>676289
Thank you all for your feed back. I know it seems rushed. that's because i wrote it at 3 am in a burst of creativity.

[Thardoc]

677263
awesome, well just end me it through google docs or something and i'd be happy to leave notes on ideas or fixes.

I have a great vocabulary and spelling ability, I just lack creativity

[vampire48]

like got a good idea going im usually not into transformation stories but looks like its going somewhere

[Morgie93]

How do you write so fast?!!! I'm currently stuck with writing my new chapters for stories that haven't been posted thanks to le lazy editor (RustyBucket had exams like I did but I still worked!) Then again it is slightly rushed but gets to the point. Metaphorically, as a bridge, it is a nice complete bridge. I've seen fancy, half made bridges but can you cross them?

Ten points to Griffyndor!

[Zoodude255]

678881 I write fast because my head has so many ideas and it wants to write them all.

[Aburi]

679481 It's ok to write fast like that, but I've found that if you re-read your own work you can improve it greatly. This is advice that was given to me and it has worked wonders.

I can understand the need to get your ideas down before they stagnate, but don't be in a rush to post.

Looks like an interesting story, but I'm worried that Claws with become a Mary Sue.

[Zoodude255]

680145 I have no idea what a Mary Sue is. I just write what I think.

Usually what i do is i play out the entire story in my head as an episode. Then i write it. I guess that does make a seem a little fast.

[Orrkon]

i like cheese anywho i think you should hide charcoal from the rest like make it s big secret an when she in danger or something like that just have him burst out an save her when the others are there and BIG REVEAL

[thaman]

680456
A Mary Sue is... difficult to explain. In fact, there's no one clear definition. But basically, it's a character who is infallible, or at least has very little flaws. Usually, they're cool and have a dramatic back story.

Although Charcoal Claws has the "cool factor" and "dramatic back story" appeal, as of now I believe he isn't a Mary Sue (or rather Gary Stu for the male variation). He is holding the urge to eat pony. He certainly has flaws.

Still, click this for an article talking about Mary Sues.

[Zoodude255]

681280 Actaully, i was just going to invite Twilight over for tea. and when she asks what it tatses funny, fluttershy says "that's because its boiled in water heated from dragon fire" and twi's like "dafaq!?"

[Orrkon]

683597

[Slenderman.]

stalking time

[Axz]

"Suddenly, I stop my fit of rage at becoming a dragon instead of a pony"
why would you rage at that, after an alicorn a dragon is the best possible thing

as for the story its okay, not a masterpiece but still a good read ill track and see where you take it, keep the chapters coming :)

[Zoodude255]

730223 In our eyes, yes, but to ponies, Dragons are scary monsters. So, while when most people would turn into ponies and have great adventures, i turn into a dragon... i don't get pony adventures.

[ElijahBleu]

731374when is the next update

[User_Name555]

>> Joketheman Maybe flying just came like a natural instinct. Like babies with their natural fear of heights and loud noises.

[daniboyi]

Nice story with a good twist of dragonturned instead of pony.
I can't wait to see the others reaction of him. I'm sure Rainbow Dash will give him hell for just being a dragon.

[Hat and clogs guy]

please make new chapter D:

[Wolfblood2203]

Why haven't you made a new chapter yet did you just abandon this story for no reason, or did you have a reason and If you did can you tell me said reason.

Edit: this is an awesome story so far, please make a new chapter.