• Member Since 7th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Crimson Valor


E

Ever had one of those days where you can’t explain what happened? Yeah, try a lifetime. Join me as I wake up in a hospital bed with a bit of a difference.

First fic written. Please give constructive Criticism. Ideas are welcome.

Grammar and spelling may not be good. Any mistakes seen please alert me. Thank you.
Tags and Characters will be added as introduced.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 24 )

I am a dwarf and i'm digging a hole
diggy diggy hole
i'm digging a hole

good story like you said grammar but try to get someone to proof read it but i like where this is going:eeyup:

678073 Yeah I need someone to proof read it, The is only so much word can do:twilightblush:

yes, lure them into a false sense of security then when there defenses are down STRIKE!

dude, you need an editor or a prereader or something. also, i also have a dog named ruby.

730411 I have stated i need one just waiting for one to pop up :twilightsheepish:
What breed you have?

also, i could help edit, but i'm in class right now.

but screw class. its just computers, which is a massive bludge for 2 hours.

739450 Thank you, You can either re-read one of the chapters out now, or wait till I finish the new one. Thanks again:twilightsmile:

i'll just highlight any errors i see, that ok?

Seems...Orgasmic. W-wait, did I say that out loud?

Wait...what? There was a HUGE ASS time gap between the morning and night.

676427

you said it :rainbowlaugh: diggy diiggy hole!

He seems to be handling the news about being stuck in Equestria well enough. Then again, he might have a nervous breakdown tomorrow or next week when it all catches up with him. I'm also curious if Ruby will be effected by Equestria, that is, becoming more intelligent like any of the other animals/pets hanging around the ponies (I don't mean Ruby starts talking, but the dog understands being talked to)

843024
*GAH!* :twilightoops::raritycry::rainbowderp::pinkiegasp::fluttershbad::applejackconfused::derpyderp1:
Seriously! That is creepier than the "Baby Pinkie Pie" doll...:facehoof:

I like the concept in this story keep up the good work:twilightsmile:

JBL

Well from the start, things have just rushed along, seeing as this chapter barely crossed the 1K word count. How come he did not freak out immediately? I hope this isn't another protagonist who'll just accept everything that happens to him. If somebody helped you "correct" the mistakes, I wouldn't like to see how it was before! :rainbowlaugh:

2805545 I know this is not 'Great' by any means, I'll use the excuse "Not writing for a long time" yada yada yada. I apologize for that.

As for the "Accepting", who said anything about him accepting what has happened? Maybe he still...Hmmm what's the best word... 'Digesting' the position he's in.

Boring story, similar to the thousands of HiE cluttering this site.

Why it's boring ?

- The MC don't give a fuck about being in a new world, he don't give a fuck about talking mythical creatures, he don't give a fuck about is life on earth.
- The MC don't struggle at all. From the start everything is handed to him on a silver platter, he's welcomed by the Princess and the whole gang ( minus RD, yet ). Rarity make him cloth, he's housed for free in Cadence's house ( shouldn't Cadence live in the Crystal empire when Twilight got coronated ? ).
- The author don't describe anything allowing me to think that the world or the characters are alive or différents than the thousands others story like this.

There is no surprise, discovery or awe sentiment from the MC in this story. He don't really seems alive to me, because he don't react to what happen to him or what he see over the course of the current story.
Maybe you should describe things more, like the similarities or differences between his world and Equestria.

As I was hyperventilating the door opens to revels 'a...pony? no wait a pink Pony with a horn and wings with a...what I presume is her mane which is split into 3 colour Purple, Pink and cream' Both our eyes met and silence was heard throughout the room

Here, you should describe things more. A real Pony have a long muzzle, slender but shorts legs and eyes a little larger than a human.
While Equestrian Pony have short muzzle, rounded head, BIG eyes and chubby legs for exemple.
Describe the differences, describe how alien it is for the MC to see Pony-shaped creatures bending their limbs with human-like fashion when a real Pony cannot do it. A real pony cannot scratch the back of his head with his foreleg, while Equestrian Pony can do it.

In chapter 3 you could describe the furnitures and interior buildings more. Are the doorways high enough for the MC ? Are the chairs comfortable or build to accomodate other thing than a pony posterior ?
Also, the MC don't take any shower or bath ? Didn't read anything relevant to this, why not ? It's always a good way to allow the MC to learn more about this new world and how everything work.


Adding these kind of détails add to the quality of the story and allow the story to be different than any other story.


So far this story is not original at all compared to the various HiE I've read. It's above average true, and the fact that the author edit and correct things is a good point.
But it's still really bland and already done, it's the classical " Human die, goes to Equestria, make friends with the main cast right away, learn he cannot leave, build a new life and fuck ponies ".
And I don't find that appealing at all, read too many story exactly like this.

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