Not much to say. I hope you appreciate my stories and/or comments.
Lyra & Bon-Bon534 stories ·1,660 members
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An alien Foreigner comes to Equestria. And no, it's not a human. But what is it? What does it want? And why is it here?
*This is a work in progress. I have NEVER written fanfiction before, and would kill for constructive criticism as I go along. Thanks in advance*
Original Image is at http://galler-y.deviantart.com/art/Alien-Portal-257694671
PS: Don't be turned off by the Dark label please. This story is Grimlight.
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Please give me criticism. I haven't written any fiction in years, and need all the help I can get.
Interesting, VERY interesting. I really like your objective writing style, it feels like a machine is describing what is happening with indifference, it gives a really cold feeling that might foreshadow to what is to come. Still, I want to see what it looks like!!
I hate dialogue, and I'm not a huge fan of this chapter. But it serves a purpose, and I'm not sure how I could have done it better. This is where YOU come in. Criticize me so I can write more goodly!
Oh Lyra, where would we be if you didn't take up your famous sitting position.
very interesting so far. I want to see what exactly this is a crossover with. (When I read the first chapter, I was initially guessing that Pinkie Pie was from Krypton, but I see you're going in a different direction here.)
100299 A Superman crossover? Why didn't I think of that.
As for what I'm crossing over with... that's part of the mystery. Sorry.
No, this is not a Final Fantasy 6 crossover. Humans, from video games or not, will not be an important element in this fic. Lyra is obsessed with humans, and therefore knows some obscure references, but everypony has a hobby.
Anyhoo, most chapters should be closer to this one's length than the first two. I'm not promising any set number of words per chapter though. I'm willing to write 100 or 100,000 word chapters if those are what's necessary to deliver the message that the chapter is meant to give. For the first chapter, I established a mystery. For the second, I showed what kind of pony Lyra was. And for this chapter, I introduced a new character to Ponyville. The fact that this took three times as many words is irrelevant.
As always, I beg you for constructive criticism. Seriously. I welcome you to insult my my story, my face, and my ancestry if it means you help me write better.
... Final Fantasy 6 references... in my My Little Pony? Yes please.
FF6 was awesome, probably deserves more praise than FF7. And I love how Lyra unknowingly gave the stranger a fitting name. I can't wait for more craziness in this story.
This story is quite fascinating. I can't wait (practically, I can) for the next chapter.
This is getting even more interesting with each chapter. Keep up the good work!
Still wanna see what Terra's true form is.
Also, is Terra really an infant or juvenile, or is that just the form that it shap-shifted into (for lack of better words)?
152570 Terra's true form is not a human, a seapony, a dragon, an anthropomorphic hedgehog, or a robot. And that's all your getting from me.
As for Terra's age... I don't want to share it yet. Sorry.
Good story so far, nice chapter very descriptive. Twilights deduction was GENIUS!
I look forward to future chapters
How do you feel about designations like "Blue Mare?" Would you prefer I call them "La" and "Buh Buh?"
169990 Fortunately for you, I was working on chapters 4 and 5 was you were reading!
The designations are fine, they help with the whole "not from around here" idea. But it would make sense to associate them with the sounds she has been hearing them associated with.
TL;DR: Don't care either way, but I would prefer they be referred to as "La" and "Buh Buh." It certainly would make for an amusing moment when (or if) she tries to communicate.
170533 I always thought of her as more a green than blue. Cyan. But I think Terra's range is a little limited so Blue Mare and Buhbuh are fine. Plus the name buhbuh reminds me of bubba from Forest Gump
It dug up the grave of Pinkie's sister and is now in the body of the dead Pie young filly, oh that's, different.
Agreed with above, the style is very interesting, and I quite like it. However, there are some moments when your diction contradicts the tone that you seem to try and establish, breaking the flow of the story. However, the rest of it is quite good, foreshadowing galore and just enough detail to paint a picture.
Based on a combination of your comments and my real life critic (who is merely somewhat familiar with ponies, but knows my writing well), I made a slight change to the story. Terra will now think of Lyra as "Aqua Mare" instead of "Blue Mare." However, when she does occasionally communicate, she will refer to her as something like "La" and to Bon Bon as "Buhbuh." I currently have about a thousand words of chapter 5 so far, in addition to an extensive outline. I may not be able to post a new chapter on a weekly basis, but I'm honestly going to make the attempt.
Thanks for reading my story so far. I hope to make this worth your while!
175806 Thanks for making the effort Salnax. You're getting a special mention in my latest Blog
I'm not entirely happy with how this chapter came out, but this was as good as it was going to get. This is when reader reactions are particularly important, because it could help shape how I get to my metaphorical destination. I know how this will all end, but depending on what you all think of this chapter, I may change how I get there.
i felt like that was really really out of character for pinkie
I enjoyed this chapter, you're hinting at a greater plot and background story. But revealing choice snippets. I approve of this. Sadly Pinkie felt really out of character. but if you can work in a good explanation in the following chapters, then I and the other readers will probably be singing high praises for you.
I still like this chapter, but Pinkie made me sad... Here's an image of Twilight dancing to cheer everypony up
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/014/d/6/twilight_patch_by_dstears-d4mduau.gif
Pinkie being disturbed by what appears to be a dead relative come back to life? Completely understandable. Threatening to cease friendship with Twilight? OOC. This chapter could use a little work on the tail end.
188022
When people are stressed, they act out of character.
I'm normally even nuttier and joyful than Pinkie Pie, but when I get stressed too much I get vocally violent and straight faced, and if it keeps going I get physically violent.
If you had a sister who dissapeared and you found her again years later, heavily injured, coming into town, the real reaction of most people wouldn't be love, it would be stress, and everyone has a stressed side.
Pinkie's stressed side is mine.
188218
Actually, it was quite clear in the first chapter that Pinkie's sister was DEAD, not missing. If someone found a loved one who has disappeared, I believe there should be some relief. But this is somepony Pinkie has likely seen been lowered into the grave. THAT would be a stressful situation. But threatening to cease friendship with Twilight is a little extreme. Remember, we're talking about the pony whose response to a griffon stealing from others and harassing Fluttershy is to throw her a party to improve her mood and be her friend. I know this is different, but Pinkie is the pony who normally takes things in stride a little more than most. I could see AJ doing this, but not Pinkie.
I might see were this is going, but I will keep my lips zipped.
188395
Oh yeah, forgot the dead thing.
Well, what's more stressful?
Relative coming back from the dead?
Mean jerk?
Minor conflict that between buffalo and ponies?
We can all see from Party of One that when Pinkie is stressed she snaps more dangerously than the others do, even though it is harder for her to snap, tending to involve situations involving losing someone or something.
I can see this chapter had a mixed reception. Don't worry, Pinkie Pie's actions will become more understandable soon.
And now for a teaser: If you are a genius, you can find what series I'm doing a crossover with. It's the only subtle thing in this chapter.
189657
And now it is your turn to show me a point. I forgot how Pinkie assumed the worst in Party of One. Well, trying to predict her actions is near impossible, let's just see how this plays out.
Unlike the last chapter, this one was pretty easy to write, and not just because it has fewer words. Pinkie's thoughts were terrifyingly easy to write.
Next chapter may take a bit longer. It could easily end up being a real doozy.
Hmmm...
To figure what this is a crossover with, let's use fancy mathematics to muddle the issue.
1. Creature is from another world.
2. It is pony sized
3. Parts of it's body are always moving
4. It is strong
5. It is intelligent
6. It was able to shape shift after coming in contact with the corpse of a pony
7. Last year (2011) A movie was made as a sequel of a remake of an old movie.
Conclusion: I'm not directly giving it away, but it's The Thingamadoodle from that movie.
Just an educated guess.
Is that hints of Silent Ponyville I see?
good chapter Sal, it was done really well. Good idea with the drawings
219220 Yup. Before writing the first chapter, I asked JakeHeritagu if I could refer to his story.
Spike is gone? what happened to him?
Also, this story is very good. An actually Alien-in-Equestria story that has a unique alien character. And sense this alien has taken the body of a dead relative as a host, this makes an interestig pony version of the classic "Star Man" film.
220994 He's not gone. I was referring to an earlier argument that they had and resolved. Now that I look at it, it is a bit unclear. I'm changing it.
Thanks for alerting me!
Sorry that this chapter is running behind schedule. I showed my rough draft to my editor, and he pointed out some major flaws. This is a chapter that I take very seriously, and I'll be damned if I submit anything less than my best.
Update: I spent the night rewriting this. I have no idea if it's any good or not. Tell you what; if it sucks, I'll delete it and start again.
lol
Do you think Pinkie and the others will find out the truth about the visitor? Who and what she really is?
269931 Hopefully you're not laughing at the first half!
270345 Better Question: Do you think this story's readers will find out the truth about the visitor? Who and what she really is? You know a bit more than Pinkie and co, but I think there's still some important things about Terra yet to be revealed.
It's always interesting to see someone else's interpretation of the events that took place in her past. And while I don't think the actions displayed were 100% the Colt's actions, they were close enough to get an approving nod (Plus Alternate Universe, different rules apply). Still though, I am honored that the backstory I made is being used in your fic and it does give me a bit of an ego-boost to see it.
I honestly like your fic so far and not just because you referenced my work in it. While the writing isn't the world's greatest and I spot errors in each chapter, what I like about the fic and what keeps me eagerly waiting for the next chapter is the ideas the fic presents. I'm really curious about Terra and seeing her adapt to Ponyville is really cute, plus how what she thinks she's doing in comparison to what everypony else thinks she is doing is a great contrast. You write the scenes to be believable and I love your interpretation of Lyra and BonBon.
Do keep up the good work, so far this is one of the few fics on the site that I eagerly wait to see updated!
I laughed sooooo hard at the funny punchline! And I laughed even harder when it wasn't a joke!
Also, nice Silent Ponyville reference.
Highly fascinating, beautiful sci-fi style voice!
It's so nice to see someone looking for critiques, so here you go!
1.) The elder sister took on responsibility for both sun and moon[,] and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for many generations.
A wee bit confusing- had to stop to read it over a few times because I thought it was a tense error. Added a coma in brackets.
2.) One very lucky mare, the unfortunate bystander in an experiment, managed to return to tell the tale a few years back, but was an unreliable witness due to the trauma that ensued. She unfortunately had to leave university and eventually found work as a mailmare.
I don't have anything to add here, just thought it was a particularly bright gem of writing. Well, I noted it as 'BRILLIANT' at first, but thought I should elaborate.
3.) Finally, the Foreigner has dug itself a hole that it could fit into.
Tense error
Beautifully written, watching and tracking!
Doctor Whooves references FOR THE WIN! *highfives*
Ah, I mean, critiques! Hm...
1.) “But miss Lyra,” whined Apple Bloom, “we want our cutie marks now.”
I'd capitalize the 'Miss' simply because it's a title, like 'Mrs.' or 'Mr.'
2.) “Sweetie, we’ve told you, the doctor is not really a-”
“No, not him”
This one is actually before my first nit-pick, I'd tack a punctuation of some sorts on the back.
3.) Overall thoughts.... brilliant! Don't be too afraid of the word 'said'- it's okay to use it once in a while. Loved the dialogue, the characters seemed highly realistic, blah blah blah, bravo! And remember that dialogue provides an excellent opportunity to describe body language. Some ponies talk with their hooves, some waggle their eyebrows, and others have nervous habits. Don't be afraid to sprinkle some in your writing! If your dialogue serves the purpose of forwarding the plot or deepening your characters, you'll be provided with extra opportunity for both if you take advantage of the way your characters talk and move and interact while in conversations!
"I welcome you to insult my my story, my face, and my ancestry if it means you help me write better." Bahahah, I have only just met you and already I love your very much.
Beautiful transition from the Filly to the CCCs and Lyra! I absolutely LOVE where this story is going, very exciting!
1.) She seemed worried by all the attention, she.
Meh, clever idea, didn't work. I understand and appreciate the attempt to change up your sentence structure, but here it doesn't add, it just confuses the reader and causes them to stumble.
2.) Give more insight as to Pinkie Pie's facial expressions when she first encounters Terra- the encounter doesn't do much if it just leaves the reader more confused. Later in the chapter it makes more sense, but clue the reader in a little bit at first!
3.)This is why the Filly was letting them lead her into a mysterious building, despite her fear of the ponies in this town.
Tense error with the 'is'.
4.) As she fell into slumber, the Filly decided to trust these strangers to at least do no harm.
Weird sentence structure- again, bravo for trying to spice it up, but it didn't quite work here.
5.) By the time everypony had been gathered, it was getting late, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders had to be escorted home by a passing by Cheerilee.
Ditto-ish. Perhaps add a little '-' between the passing and by? This sentence makes sense, but it requires the reader to go back and decipher- and while that's a brilliant attribute of work with plots, it can get tiring if you have to do it with individual sentences.
Overall, excellent job as usual, can't wait to read more!
286082 Thank you for all of your advice! I'm going to edit all my old chapters with the criticisms you've made in mind.
How do you feel about designations like "Blue Mare?" Would you prefer I call them "La" and "Buh Buh?"
I think they both work fine! Perhaps you could make a transition from Blue Mare and Cream Mare to La and Buh Buh? It all depends on how you want Terra to view the world- through sight, or sound.
1.)Terra made a small moaning sound, and then pushed herself around with her forelegs. Lyra noted how she no longer made a habit of avoiding any pressure on her bandaged leg. Honestly, it was a miracle that it only took a couple of weeks to heal.
Foreshadowing?
2.)She made a nasty look, but then raised her hooves to her cheeks, pressing upwards.
Confusing as to who is doing what, and elaborate more on the 'nasty look'! Terra doesn't pick up on verbal cues like other ponies- show how she relies on her other senses! Don't be afraid to show ponies' expressions and reactions!
3.)Bon Bon talks a bit oddly- normal speech uses things like 'it's' or 'we're' or other contractions (even grammatically incorrect at times). If Bon Bon is that proper, show it in her other mannerisms so it's a bit clearer. Lyra has that a bit too, but I never noticed it earlier. Perhaps it's just in this chapter- but check back through your conversations to make sure they all sound imperfect and natural!
4.)“Pinkie hasn’t thrown a party for Terra, or even barged in to see her. This was a pony who celebrated the babies’ birthdays the day they were born. I can’t think of any reason why Terra would have scared off Pinkie, but maybe you should talk to her about it."
Weird wording with the whole 'this was a pony who celebrated...', maybe change that to 'this is a pony who celebrated the Cake's foals' birthdays the day they were born' or something similar. Give examples!
5.)“I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow after work,” replied Bon Bon. ["]Today, we are going to get Terra’s cast off and show her around town. We’re going to go to Town Hall and sign her adoption papers. And then we are going to talk to Cheerilee about Terra’s education.”
Added a quotation mark, and there's a bit of awkward talking going on again. The 'we are' just sounds very out of place.
6.)Clever idea with Terra's disability!
7.) “She threw me a party.”
Nice reference, added a punctuation mark. 
“And the second pony?”
“She and her family gave me a free lunch”
“And the third?”
“Gave me a bad hair day[.]”
HAHA.
Bravo, bravo! *dashes off to read more*
171171
OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW!!!