The Price
Twilight Sparkle sat on the dirty, rocky cavern floor. It was cold, damp, and drafty in the caves beneath Canterlot Castle, just as she remembered them, but now in much more vivid greys and browns. Strangely enough, the colors didn't make the caves seem any more beautiful. Instead they became dark, ugly, and hollow.
Twilight's memories had been restored to perfect clarity. Even though many moons had passed, it seemed like only yesterday when she'd freed Princess Cadance from her imprisonment here. Cadance had looked so awful back then, all bloody and bruised and filthy, almost as filthy as the caverns themselves seemed now. These vaulted, dreary hollows were the perfect location to hide, for who would visit such a dark and dreadful place of their own free will?
It was cold, and Twilight shivered. Reflexively, she tried to fluff her wings about her, only to be reminded once again she wasn't an alicorn princess after all. So, she pulled the dirty blanket more tightly around her scrawny legs, and took tiny sips of the warm but revolting mushroom broth Princess Luna had provided her. Luna was asleep, exhausted by the difficult long-distance teleportation spells she'd recently cast to keep them both safe. Twilight was tempted to curl up under her wing, but being that close to Luna made her feel awkward deep in her stomach. She suspected that a small part of Luna had actually wanted her to come here to abate her own loneliness, and she didn't know how to feel about that. Even though she didn't understand them, the sensations in Twilight's groin made her feel uncomfortable and ashamed.
So instead, Twilight Sparkle envied Princess Luna's slumbering form from a safe distance. Unlike her benefactor, she didn't have the ability to enter the dream world where her friends resided, and she didn't even know if it were possible for a mere unicorn like herself. The only way to see her friends again might require bringing them into this Tartarus with her, and Luna had been right about one thing. Twilight wasn't sure she could do it. She sat there uncomfortably upon the hard, damp rock, wide awake, as her mind stubbornly refused to rest. It kept replaying the same scene in all its ghastly detail, over and over and over again.
It was a blur, that first bit of waking memory, in the moments just before Luna had teleported her to the safety of the caverns, before she would have the chance to expel cups of sludge from her lungs and begin regaining her senses. She had been confused and weak when her body unceremoniously splatted onto the greasy floor of the throne room. She'd tried and failed to stand on shaky legs, unable to speak or even breathe. She had wiped the slime from her eyes quickly enough to witness Princess Luna sealing a crude wax version of Twilight Sparkle into its new home on the ceiling.
Yet even in those dawning moments, before she would take her first breath in more than ten months, Twilight had already witnessed a vision she knew would inevitably follow her to the end of her days. Oddly enough, the horrifying image was not the pods dangling above her; the pods containing her emaciated friends, her brother, her foal-sitter, and her mentor; the pods where each pony floated in a shared telepathic fantasy world carefully controlled by dreaming changelings, where the magic of friendship and adventure would keep their slowly-beating hearts brimming with a steady supply of love upon which the monsters would feed.
No, the image that had burned itself indelibly into Twilight's memory was far more terrible, despite its haunting beauty.
It was their smiles.
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Loved this in the writeoffs. Still love it now.
comments
6191610
Oh good! I'm not sure how many TWA readers will like the revision, though. There's so much new stuff.
I've just finished reading this, and I enjoy it a lot. It was unpredictable in a good way (at least for me) And, it made me have all the different kinds of feels. Exept perhaps happy.
As far as style goes, I really love how you write Luna. You might actually be my favorite at it. And, I've read a lot of Luna stories.
Oh my Celestia this makes so much sense now! I loved how you built up the drama and wow they should have really listened to Twilight in the first place!
So... Changelings run the Matrix?
My main complaint here is that the opening chapters made the story sound just a hair too meta. Describing the Visitors sounded like justifications for animation errors (missing or switched cutie marks, overlapping limbs, pallette swaps, etc.), while Twilight noting the ridiculousness of her former life (solving friendship problems abruptly, settling disputes with pie fights) felt like typical Brony complaints about their least favorite show-writer of the week. It was jarring and immersion-breaking. I'll grant that the ending did at least give something approaching a reason for things bring the way they are.
The shippy TwiLuna moments seemed to come out of nowhere, despite my absolute love for them. I wouldn't complain about them, given that it's my OTP, but it felt odd and forced without seeing any of the backstory. Was that relationship part of the harsher "real" world? Was it an hallucination induced by the Changeling-Visitors for love collection purposes? Was it just Luna's hope for how she'd be spending the rest of her now-sucky reality?
Definitely a dark and crushing piece, albeit with room for some structural improvement.
6191771
Princess Luna's dialogue is a lot of fun to write. My secrets: avoid contractions (helps a lot!), speak semi-formally, flower up the speech a little (especially by using complex phrase structures), use slightly archaic words (easy to overdo), and use 'shall' and 'will' properly.
6191929
The purpose of the meta at the beginning is partly to set up the fact that the world they live in isn't realistic for a reason, but it's also there for misdirection: it's tricky to write something that will fool avid MLP fans up until the end.
The TwiLuna shipping is supposed to be weird and awkward. They never had a relationship. Princess Luna is incredibly lonely and never sees anypony in the real world, so she takes advantage of Twilight without asking.
6192790
Of course you can translate it! I assume you'll try not to edit as you do. Note that the title is supposed to invoke a twist meaning. That's the only reason I changed the name from "The Price of a Smile", which I liked better (for the latter, the reader is less likely to understand after reading that the price is one's smile, rather than a smile being priced).
I can't. Not shan't, not even won't, but can't. But the praise is nice.
6193501
Well, (1) I provided comments but didn't really edit it, and (2) there's nothing blocking an author from submitting an edited-by-a-prereader story to EQD anyway. I'm not even sure we've got rules saying somebody new has to view the thing and approve it—but when it's come up with me, I've always recused myself from doing an approval on a story I was heavily involved with. That's definitely how RCL works, though—we recuse ourselves from the process when we were heavily involved with any story that comes up.
Point being, that's no reason not to submit to EQD. But I'm guessing Trick is thinking of other things like content guidelines. I haven't read the new version, so I can't comment on that. But if that's the issue, it doesn't hurt to send it along and note where you think it might not be EQD-cool, and have the pre-readers look over it anyway. Most of the rules are guidelines that can be fudged a bit if the pre-readers think a story is sufficiently high quality. Not all of them, though.
Anyway, I just got done with a 12-hour car trip and I'm just doing quick scan-and-replys, so hopefully this response didn't wind up totally off topic.
I wrote a review of this story.
It can be found here.
6193277
6193546
Why can't you submit it to Equestria Daily?
I think the biggest issues it has are structural; the loose ends, particularly the awkward Luna moments that don't really get explained in the story, along with the pacing of the scene in the diner and with the birth rate numbers. But I don't think it has any content issues, unless I'm missing something.
6194276
I think I'm uncomfortable putting myself in a position where I'll be rejected. Even though I want to reach as many fans as I can (presuming they like what I do), I don't like pushing my work onto others. One of the great benefits of Fimfiction is that I can post work, and if anypony chooses to read it, they may; but if they don't care for it, it's not entirely my fault. I didn't make them read it or anything. They came to me, so to speak. † 
6193607
6193546
This will sound stupid, so you have my advance apologies.
Cognitively speaking, I realize this is silly, but affect ≠ cognition. I don't even go on EQD anymore ‡ because the fandom's output is just overwhelming to my senses, and EQD is in some sense the "official" pulse of the fandom. So if you can only submit your own work there, I won't be up there until I discover the miracle cure for feels. Or maybe meet Rainbow Dash or something.
Anyway, it's kind of a moot point. Although that's a hard wall, there's also a soft wall: my stuff isn't that good.
I get lucky on occasion, and y'all are very nice to provide advice and feedback that (I hope) is improving my writing over time, whether or not it's harsh. I'm very grateful for it. 
(†: Although there are limits even there. I've affected a lot of people with Twilight's Secret Journal by having the story go in directions some readers aren't comfortable with. Several readers who love the story have had to bail for emotional reasons, which is totally understandable. At least there I try to warn ponies up front, but colt howdy, do they get frustrated when you won't tell them how the story will end...)
(‡: I shamefully admit to reading Horse News on occasion, and then looking at the horrid things ponies say in the comments, and then wondering why I read Horse News on occasion.)
6194899
I know that feel.
Very surprised after reading through this that it didn't have a crossover tag.
To me this very clearly seems to mirror the plot and elements of The Matrix in almost every way (at least, the first act of it).
This was decent, though I would have preferred more. Any chance of a sequel?
6195580
I was debating whether or not to mention it in my review, but I felt it was a sufficiently big spoiler that it would be better to leave out.
You know, there's probably a considerable audience of people on this site who were born after The Matrix was released.
6195580
Although I think this story is strongest ending where it does, sequelae are possible. Ideas for how this pans out in the future (differently from the similar trope you mentioned) are what generated the seed for the story in the first place.
6196081
I need an Apple Smith icon.
6195515
That's a good point. The main reason I included them is that they feature in the opener, and the reader isn't supposed to know how much they figure into the story.
Does anypony else think the Cheerilee and Mac tags are deceptive?
I didn't see that coming. I thought the reveal would be something meta about the whole universe being a TV-show, and that none of them really exist. Nicely done keeping a strong sense of mystery throughout.
There are some loose ends, though. For instance, why would Twilight no longer care for her friends? If anything, she'd be determined to work hard toward saving them. Also, the pacing feels a bit wonky, and the final chapter, too.
Overall, I really enjoyed it, but you leave me wanting more - it is perfectly set up for a sequel. Then again, we've already seen Matrix...
Btw, story shouldn't be tagged Big Mac and Cheerliee - they were minor characters.
6201081
k36.kn3.net/taringa/2/1/9/6/3/4/24/thelunanightmoon/D3C.gif
The suspense in this piece was done really well. I think I even had to start looking over my shoulder at some points when reading the story. I was totally expecting some type of Truman Show crossover, with some of her best friends being actors, but after the dream with Luna, it was beginning to become more clearly a Matrix crossover. Well done!
(I also appreciate the fact that you outright give the secret as to what's going on away in the first non prologue chapter, yet it's early enough and you give enough misdirection that the ending was still a surprise)
This reminds me of The Matrix. Live in a false, yet innocent reality or face the true, cold reality. Great story!
6202957
Thanks. One similar misdirection you might have missed (the one that fools most ponies) is since the oddities are all show-related, it looks like the reveal will be meta and Twilight will discover she's a cartoon.
6203292
It's just a story, and it didn't hit the feature box for a reason.
I meant I don't agree that my story deserves 72-point font praise.
6203274 Exactly my thoughts!
...Huh.
I was going to comment something but 6191929 summed up my thoughts on it pretty well. I really liked the build up to the reveal though – I couldn't put this down once I started. Good job.
Finally got around to read it (had a few full weeks), I quite like the improvements you made on the write-off entry, and the misdirectiong works better now than before. Congratulations!
This is actually another showing of a fascinating aspect of your writing, Trick. You manage to take something that sounds meta and explain it within its universe, completely self-contained. And it works perfectly.
I'm now really wondering about TSJ. How much will be drawn from within FiM, how much will be original content..?
6196814
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/matrix_revisited.png
6243698
Hadn't seen than one, thanks. If I am supposed to interpret that as "a sequel to this story could take the concept and spin it in a different direction", fair point. A setting doesn't make a story, after all.
6244320
You mentioned sequels and the Matrix in the same sentence, which brought that comic to mind.
6244733
Aight.
Simply AMAZING! If I knew how to enlarge font on the mobile page, I would make "amazing" the largest possible font!
I do have a couple questions, however, that I hope haven't already been answered and are moot at this point (I didn't find the answers to my questions in the comments section, that's why I'm asking here). First, what took ten months? Reliving all Twilight's old memories? Second: to clarify, the Visitors were changelings controlling everyone's dreams through their own lucid dreaming? Third: does that mean that everyone's dreams are connected? Fourth: how did Luna manage to have both her and Twilight escape the pods? Fifth: Is it safe to assume in this AU that the wedding ended with Chrysalis winning? Sixth: Why were ponies disappearing from the dreams if more ponies meant more love for changelings to feed on? Seventh: Why did Luna believe the births would rise again? Eighth: WHAT NOW? !?!?! *SEQUEL COUGH COUGH SEQUEL* Ninth: wao trick question senpai how u create such amazing stories I jelus and applaud u
Sorry for the spam and if some questions have already been answered. Again, great story!
6255093
Try to spoiler some of that!
The implication is the changelings have been in control of Equestria for that duration. During that time, Twilight and others formed new memories in the simulated dream-world controlled by the changelings. Nothing in the series that happened after the wedding actually happened: it was part of a simulation. This is a separate issue from the modified memories which predate the wedding.
Yes, but it is implied that it's more than just lucid dreaming. The changelings have some kind of control over the dream simulation and the memories and experiences of the ponies within it.
Yes, and probably yes.
The story doesn't reveal how Luna escaped her pod, how she enters the shared dream world, or even if she had ever been in one of the pods in the first place.
The story doesn't explain this, but the implication is that maintaining the shared reality in order to produce the love output becomes more tenuous if too many ponies discover that it isn't real, or perhaps if there are too many disruptions.
The story doesn't say, but it's a reasonable guess that Luna realizes the changelings will want to find a way to keep the love generator up and running. This can't happen if the ponies die out.
Maybe. Although I think the story is strongest as a solo piece, there's still more I have to say.
As for the last part: write what you know.
6256413
Right, sorry! I stayed up until 5 am reading this done I couldn't put it down and it completely slipped my mind!
Fixed 
And thank you for answering all those! That really clears a lot up for me
And I do agree with you regarding the sequel, in a way. I understand what you mean when you say this story has the biggest impact as a stand alone piece, but the raging curiosity/fangirling monster inside of me can't help demanding more...
So, that's what luna was doing, during the invasion of canterlot.
Ahh, finally finished reading this. It only took two weeks! xD
I very much enjoyed it, and am sad I missed the writeoff it was a part of. I was wondering if the truth would be they were all a cartoon, which having read the comments I see this was intended. Even so, something told me it was too expected for you to go that route. The Matrix, for all that I love it, never entered into my head as an explanation. Also, for all that you kept mentioning changelings, I never seriously considered them. I wasn't sure what to expect, which was a very nice feeling. ^.^ Also, you work up the sense of dread, suspense, and helplessness very well, and you create very high stakes--the highest, I would argue, as they pertain directly to Twilight losing who she is.
Now, what I'm going to say next I don't consider a criticism of the story--only, perhaps, in the sense I would criticize my friend when reading a wonderful book they lent me only to discover they merely gave me half of it. I'm not speaking of writing a sequel, as others have said. I just want the rest of the story. See, I don't feel you have finished it. This is a rather bold thing to say to the author, so I'll explain.
The ending answers the (seemingly) primary question of the story--what is really going on/who are the visitors? What is this "truth" Luna keeps speaking of? You answer that perfectly by the end, and effectively so. But this was hardly the only pertinent (or interesting) question raised by the story. I'd even go so far to say it's not the primary one, either--the one the reader cares most about. Until Twilight visits Luna, it is the only question. But Luna brings in other, more complicated concerns, which is why I believe this is such an enjoyable story. According to Luna, the truth will not only ruin Twilight's life and her friendships, but it will very likely alter her so drastically that she may even side with the visitors upon learning it, enforcing their deception on those she loves. Luna also posits a profound possibility, morally: aiding the visitors might be the right thing to do. What will Twilight decide when she learns the truth? What will become of her character and personality? This I would argue is what matters most to the reader, and is the core concern of the story.
The current ending doesn't answer this. I don't consider it an open ending, because this was a primary concern that has been left unaddressed. We never get to see the affect the Truth has on Twilight. The moral ambiguity also goes unaddressed, I feel, because without getting to see how terrible and painful Twilight's real life was and may yet be (other than one memory), it's difficult to make the argument the changelings are providing a better future for everypony by putting them into a happy dreamland, where they'll live out the rest of their lives before dying, as they would in the real, more painful world. And it's an argument that is never directly formed by Luna or even the story, since we do not see Twilight's decision on the matter. Her decision is the stance the story itself takes. Since it ends before she makes it, the story doesn't answer the moral question it raised.
This is why I say it is unfinished. And again, it's not a criticism in the sense of "hey, the story did this wrong," or "this is bad writing". Not at all! Rather, I simply feel as if I have reached chapter twenty of a thirty chapter story. To use the Matrix as an example, it would be like if it ended without ever deciding whether Neo was The One or not. Instead of dying, he rescues Morpheus and along with Trinity they escape the Matrix and the movie ends. We'd sit there, having witnessed Neo do things no one else could do, but also with the Oracle's words still in our minds, and we'd say, "So...is he The One, or isn't he?" In the same sense, the ending here answers what exactly is going on, but I'm left asking, "So, what is the right thing to do about this? What is the affect on Twilight, and what does she decide?" These are core questions raised by this story and carried throughout (Luna continually brings it up, and it's even the main concern of her friends in the last secret meeting at the end--what will happen to Twilight when she learns the truth and what will she do about it)--these aren't questions for a sequel.
So again, please don't think I am in anyway saying this story has a flaw in its quality. I simply don't feel I have finished reading all of it. And it's in its favor that I desperately want to. No exaggeration.
I read your comment on the effect produced by this ending, how it might be diluted by a sequel, and I would agree--if learning what was really going on was the only primary question of the story. But it isn't. I have yet to see what effect this renders in Twilight, and what the story says is the right thing to do. Is happiness worth the sacrifice of truth and reality? Clearly, that is the cost everypony is currently paying, but the question is, is it right?
If it weren't for these other questions, then the ending would have a very effective punch in it's reveal, the sort of pop in the gut you're trying to achieve. But it only has one third the weight, currently. And I say all of this knowing you probably won't add to it (with more chapters, not a sequel)--and you know, in your shoes I doubt I would either. This is how you want the story to end. Whether I'm right or wrong is secondary--it's about what you want, as it should be, because you're author. But as a reader who very much enjoyed this, I am simply saying that for me, what you wrote feels unfinished, and I thirst for the rest. For this reason, your desired effect at the end isn't as significant.
Perhaps you can divide things up into Books? Book one ends, here, and book two addresses the other important questions? You could still maintain the original ending you desired while fully completing the story, as book two wouldn't be a sequel, but a continuation.
A lame suggestion, but I wanted to toss it out there.
And remember, TQ...you have a great story here. Don't ever forget it.
6427840
Spoiler some of that silly!
To answer your comment: yes. The story ends at the climax and doesn't completely resolve the questions it brings up. Partly this is to torment the reader (to inspire you to think about what it means, rather), but it's also because I indeed am planning a sequel.
It isn't high on the priority queue, but it is in there.
6428552
Nyyyaaaah I don't need to spoiler. Too lazy.
*TQ gives Axis her stern, teacher glare*
...okay, I'll spoiler it.
Woohoo sequel! I mean, I still think it all belongs in this story (and I think it would be easier from a narrative standpoint too), but I suppose that's sort of arguing over a technicality at this point, since you will be continuing it. And I certainly won't complain to be getting more. I can't wait! Besides, I can settle for you purposefully not answering those other questions. Do I think you succeeded in what you wanted by not answering them? Not exactly, but at least you did it for a reason, and a good one at that. Besides, the story is still awesome anyway.
Eh, I don't buy the whole horror of the final revelation. Who says the fight can't still be won, or that their real lives aren't really worth restoring? In particular, why think her friendships would be lost when this apparently happened after she made them? But I guess Luna never implied it was impossible to win, just that it was a great risk over ignorant bliss. Still; I definitely wouldn't regret the decision, or even feel bad about freeing everyone.
6552794
I think the horror comes from the fact that Twilight realizes what a perfect life she's left behind.
6553090
I can understand why it's painful, I just don't see it as this great horror. Her real life is still there to take back. If the world isn't as perfect as the dream then why not work to make it more like the dream?
At the end of it all, I agree with Twilight's assertion that knowledge is always worth it. There is no truth too horrible to be worth knowing.
I guess that's from someone who never had perfection, but frankly I don't even agree that the Dream was perfection; perceptive ponies will keep being unhappy noticing the inconsistencies. The truth can't even be hidden well enough to get the bliss of 100% ignorance among the populace.
6645763
That one's not so easy to classify. If it's not directly cross-eyed, most ponies will call it "walleyed", even if the deviation isn't horizontal. There isn't an informal name for Derpy's wandering strabismus, nor is there one for her hypertropia (a fixation of one eye upward). Hasbro has referred to her as walleyed.
I'm glad you've enjoyed the story so far!
Having finished it, I have to echo 6427840 and say that the story stops too early. What you've got here is really good, but so much weight is placed on the moral questions and on Luna's insistence of consequences that it feels a little bit cheap to end as the curtain is drawn back.
Mostly, it's that the story makes a big point of asserting that Luna couldn't have simply said "you're in the changeling Matrix, but real life really sucked, so maybe we're actually better off in here", and right now I don't feel like the ending supports that. I mean, it's certainly worldview-altering, but there's no textual evidence yet that Twilight was wrong: why wouldn't their friendship survive this revelation? It's very easy to imagine an answer to that, but we have to see it, or else it's equally plausible that Luna's just talking out her plot, which ruins the central theme of the Great And Terrible Price.
I'm definitely going to track this in hopes that it's continued/completed, but it's not terribly satisfying as a standalone piece right now. The prose is indisputably excellent — especially the slow build in the early chapters that I mentioned — and it had me on the edge of my seat till the reveal, even having read it before. So you're definitely to be commended for what's here ... just come back to it and seal the deal!
-h
6752528
I added the prologue because I was getting feedback that the first chapter was confusing without more lead-in. I prefer it without, but I think it has broader appeal with it in. You'd think it gives things away but I think it's one of those "hindsight is 20/20" things; so far, nopony who has read the prologue prior to reading the story has suggested it was a giveaway.
I'm glad you liked the recast of the writing. It was a highly serendipitous thing: after noticing how the AJ and Rainbow Dash references fit, I decided to insert a note in each chapter for Twilight's other three friends (to foreshadow the elements of her life she might be losing). This meant I needed to add two chapters. I realized the ZPG plot hole while rewriting the first (now second) chapter, so I was already planning to add a chapter at the records office. I also wanted to do this to justify the story as a mystery, as that (and the bait-and-switch with its thrust) was the best thing the story had going for it early. For the missing chapter, I had Twilight go to dinner, then I realized I should probably put in an encounter with the Visitors, and the epiphany about the use of letters was immediate. This had the added benefit of explaining why the silly writing was done throughout the chess chapter.
Writing larger stories is weird, and filled with lots of random insights that become neat pieces of the puzzle. My most recent fic has a lot of that in it, though there's been significantly more planning on my part to get it right.
6752674
6427840
I am planning a sequel (even though this story has not been popular), partly because I had another compelling idea about this AU prior to writing this one. But TPoaS is intended to stand alone. Let me explain.
I agree the ending points are a little weak in that I fail to explicitly state why Luna's warnings are really such a big deal after all. The unstated assumption that the reader is intended to follow, which perhaps isn't obvious enough, is that Twilight can't return to her former life because she can't enter the shared dream world in the same way Luna can, and she isn't selfish enough to bring her friends out of their utopia into the terrible place she is now. That's the whole point of the story, and maybe I should add a sentence somewhere in the final chapter to make it clearer.
This story should leave readers wanting more, but the point of it is to convey a message, and it already ends with that message. The reader should wonder whether Twilight made the right choice, and whether or not she should try to wake her friends. Some readers feel absolutely one way, and some readers feel absolutely the other way, and just like The Dress readers are stunned that their point of view is not shared by everypony else. That's neat because it speaks to a hidden difference in how we view the world—a difference that is usually paved over with assumptions because these situations don't arise organically in real life.
6753462
Thanks for the explanation. Yeah, even a sentence or two making that central question clearer would make a big difference for me.
6754973
I've added a few key sentences to the fourth paragraph of the last chapter. The story was missing an explicit description of why The Price was significant, and I think this makes the meaning of the story much clearer.
Wait, so if the changelings won then what was with Tirek and Sombra and etc? Was it to keep them bonded through shared adventures or something? I can't see any other reason to include them. Unless the changelings captured them too?
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/502/522/cad.png
6767843
Yes, the adventures were just created by the changelings for that purpose. Let's be honest: how realistic were any of the adventures that happened after Season 2?
6767868 How realistic is a geocentric planet dominated by magical equines ruled by all but literal sun and moon goddesses in general? Said pretty much every 'Equestria is an insane girls delusions in an assylum' fic ever.
6753462
Teensy bit late to this >.<
I like you, TQ. You're a writer very conscious of their purpose and intended effect, and if you think a story accomplishes what you set out for it you don't easily bow to criticism, and I respect that. You know what it is you want to do. I like the additions you made and I think they help a lot, but even if I felt otherwise I wouldn't argue it, because, well, you're satisfied, and that's really all that matters.
As it stands, I can't wait for the sequel :D