Those that would threaten the peace and harmony of Equestria stay awake at night. How do you sleep when you know you are being hunted? How do you run from ghosts that haunt the night and wraiths that hide in your shadow?
It used to be so easy. The Day guard were powerful but they were designed to repel armies and fight wars. If you were smart you stayed small and you slipped under their reach, But now...
Ever since that Moon Princess returned 20 years ago they have been hunted by a team of Nightmares, but will their past actions come back to haunt them.
Twilight Sparkle is the prime student of Celestia and on a fast track to an officer's commission into the Day Guard, but another unit has their eye on her.
Chapters (14)
moar NOW!....... please im boared out of my mind and ive read all the stories in my library hundreds of times..... well the good ones anyway
also is this a cannon universe in terms of how luna cam back did twi use the elements or no
8694818
No it's not cannon. She came back before Twilight was born. I'll figure out some other dues ex machina to explain it. When I get to the actual chapters I was going to explain a bit more.
8694857
also moar just so many good soldier twilight fics get forgoton and die its kinda sad
8694868
I don't want mine to die but I'm not much of a writer. Things only going to get written when I have free time (not something I have tooooo much of) and actually have ideas come to me. But I don't intend to just abandon this if I can help it
8694925
the council will be watching do not disappoint us commander
Sounds intriguing, let's see where it goes. Consider me hooked.
Whether
All and all, color me interested, tracking.
Keep going.
Missing capital
Pwetty good
pwetty good indeed
moar
8694925
so...... which member of twilights familiy is going to be killed or horribaly injured in that fireball that is going to be the catalyst for twilight joining the nightmares
8701634
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MOAR NOW! please if you dont mind
they both
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Missing capital
stairs
She found a clear path near the destruction and focused on it
The first form that took any meaningful shape through the smoke, was a female griffon hovering above the rest of the chaos.
and in her other she gripped
With a bellow the minotaur turned and, like the griffon above him, unleashed fire.
firing
an MP-7
side alley
at her
her attacker
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rifle
(this was
twothreefourfivesix times in the chapter)before the fire suddenly stopped
stopping the attackers
had been forced
shriek
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(This was
twothree times in the chapter)Extra capital
With her right arm she swung, slicing
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made her way
then went back
Missing end quote
a round
much too close
None of the three could go after him though
no one was ready
unconscious diamond dog
Missing capital
Then she turned to the three who were starting to bring their weapons or magic to bear
too far into
Far too late to help any of the ponies that had been caught in the attack.
heard a ragged
taped three sides
Is he talking to Twi or Shining at this point? Assuming he's talking to Shining it should be "Besides I'm pretty sure her little 'Spellblade' here is the reason why I'm not going to be handing a folded flag to your mother later today
Shining crossed his arms across
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I don't see a reason for there to be "This"
Very rarely it was a city with civilians.
I feel like there is something wrong with this sentence, but I'm not an expert in english so...
find a way to find that group
A typo happened agian
Two days later
closest town to
It too had the altered mark of the Mare In the Moon on it
Attached to the right hand shoulder was a patch of her personal crest, which was a sun colored half in red and half in yellow with an intermixing in the center.
Aaaand we're done... wait... a new chapter!?
(āÆĀ°ā”Ā°ļ¼ āÆļøµ ā»āā»
Welp... I guess... we'll see in the next one too...
But seriously though, getting an editor would be a great thing to do.
Until next time
This was pretty good. Some minor grammar mistakes here and there, nothing big.
I'll come back tomorrow to point them out, now I'm too tired
Overall is all great! Twilight reactions are so... Twilighty)
But... some grammar errors and paragraphing. Ugh.
Have you read https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide? Especially "Paragraphing", "Dialogue" and "Paragraph spacing"? While minor grammar mistakes are easy to overlook, there are some overloaded paragraphs that are hard to follow...
8721371
Thanks for letting me know about all of those. I'm terrible at proofreading because most everything I write is a technical paper that has to go through peer review before it goes out, and I don't have anywhere to go with my fan fiction stuff. I also write really late so when I finish a section I just go to bed and don't re-read like I should.
And the part about: "Besides I'm pretty sure your little 'Spellblad' here is the reason why I'm not going to be handing a folded flag to your mother latter today"
I meant for him to be talking to Shining about Twi using Shining's pet name for her that Shining had used back during the sparring match. sorry if that came across unclear
8721467
Thanks a lot for the feed back. The new writer guide helped a lot. I went back and tried to clean it up some. I'm still trying to develop a correct literature writing style as opposed to all the technical writing I do in the real world
Part of the issue is I create the story in my head like I'm watching short clips of a movie play out in my mind. Then I try and translate each little clip into words and I tend to group each bit together in one paragraph then move on.
Please let me know if I continue to muddy up my writing like that.
8722264
Oooh right I forgot the pet name!
You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention....
If you're planning on having that colt be Spike, if Twilight adopts him are you going to show a deep relationship that builds between the two as mother-son type? Cause what you have so far is awesome and I am hoping that you put on the feels with Twilight adopting Spike, if he is indeed the colt. It's so good already and when I thought up that theory it made me salivate for more, and make me want to beg that that's what the plan is. Even if it, especially if it is slower build up.
mooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!!!!
So Dash and Applejack are part of the Nightmares... Interesting...
8732327
If I'm going to be honest I used them as more of a time saver. I work with enough Cocky smart ass pilots and laid back, but hard working engineer types that I knew they were going to make it into the story as team members. They are so close to what I would have built from scratch anyways that the only differences would have been a different name and a different coat of paint so I figured I could just use the defaults. Plus now I have a story that centers around all of my top 5 from the show plus a few of my own creation.
So the traitor has now been revealed.... But why would he kill his commander?
MOARRRRRRRR
Definitely interesting hoping for more in the future
mooooar!!!!!!!!!!
Nah, this story isn't that poorly written, I like it
Some grammar mistakes here and there, when I have time I'll come back to point them out from this and previous chapters
8750027
But self deprecating meta humor is the only acceptable meta humor
8750032
Indeed
Well that's interesting.... So Spike's a colt instead of a dragon....
with dragon blood
it tastes a bit bitter to me that he blames Twilight for his parents death though but good chapter anyway
8763885
Ya I was having a hard time justifying why a dragon family would be in the middle of Canterlot, but I wanted his character to have a specific role latter on. So I went with a middle ground of him being about half and half. as will be talked about later.
8764255
So he's more of a Kirin than a colt?
8764311
Ya kinda like that only more anthro because of the world. but not yet. I was going to try and explain his situation more down the line. Right now he still looks like a normal anthro colt. I was planning on expanding what he is going through latter on.
moar plz
Poor Twilight...
(Before reading the story) Anthro huh? So a stage 2 anthro form?
8804650
Ya. Think a little more pony then EQG during transformations. Also unicorns have their horns. I needed hands because I can't wrap my mind around ponies pulling triggers when they don't have fingers
8805066
So.... their more pony then EQG but still have hands.
Stage 3 then.?
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/8585055517249844/
Also if you look at the Ottomans during the 1400-1500s they had muskets that you literally gripped the handle to shoot not pull a trigger. It was a favorite in the Elite Janissaries.
Interesting premise. I don't normally read anthro but i will make an exception.
8816024
It's really only anthro so I can have hands but still magic and flight. Plus its just a lot easier for me to write with an anatomy that I actually have some kind of natural understanding of.
Very well done as always!
As entertaining as the story is, it constantly has errors. Normally I can ignore them, but not this time. The second paragraph is the biggest example this time. There's a sentence or something missing in it. It goes from talking about watching Sunset adjust her jacket, to acting like Twilight had been considering a spell. It doesn't actually transition from one to the other though. It just says:
You either need to go back and proof-read more thoroughly, or find someone to do it for you. Like I said, it's an entertaining story, but the issue is breaking my interest, and I doubt I'm the only one.
8869503
Thank you for pointing that out. I'll make sure I start doing more than my quick once over before I publish from now on.
Damn...