Ecko7
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Hey. I haven't read your story, but that's due to the grammar errors in your description. I'm pretty put off by them. I don't think I could make it through your story if it is written at the same level. I'm sorry. I'd just be too busy getting fixated on every little issue where you screwed up the tense. Is English your second language? I think the reviews you are going to see are going to reflect this.
Don't take it too hard, and try to get somebody to help you proofread things. Understanding have and has will help, and try not to capitalize random words. You need to put a lot of effort into your description so that people aren't put off by it. It's the first thing people see, so they will decide to read or not to read your story based on it. I have delayed rating your story in the hopes you clean up your description, and maybe double check your story for grammar issues. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. Good luck!
You have a real wall o'text going on there!
There should be a new paragraph whenever you change the character speaking, at the very least..
>>tailsopony
No, English is not my Language. I from Germany, but i try and give my best to learn English. I have thought to write Story´s in English would help me. But now i don´t think so anymore....
>>Ecko7
It's actually a great idea. It's good practice. One of the tricks about practicing is to practice correctly, which is where a pre-reader or somebody like that comes in. They can help correct grammar errors as they appear. As long as you learn from each mistake it's not a problem at all! Take this story description. You have about 6 obvious errors. Assuming somebody helps you to correct them you can get those obvious errors down to nothing. Next time you write a description you will hopefully not make the same mistakes. There might be another 6 obvious errors, but as long as they are different obvious errors, you are making progress. Eventually with this process you will make less and less errors as long as you are willing to learn. It won't always feel like progress, it can be slow and difficult, but it will help if you make the effort.
Take what >>Cursed Ship said. He states that you need a new paragraph every time there is a new speaker. This is a very easy to apply lesson. For example here is some out of character speech between Applejack and Twilight:
Applejack said,"Twilight why do y'all keep harassing me about these things? You know I'm no good at writing stuff and making things into words. That's what ma brother is for."
Twilight responded,"I just love to bug you A.J."
------------------------
You could wright that as one block of text, like:
Applejack said,"Twilight why do y'all keep harassin me about these things? You know I'm no good at writing stuff and making things into words. That's what ma brother is for." Twilight responded,"I just love to bug you A.J."
However, this is the wrong way to do it. See how in this way it's more difficult to distinguish the speaker? The first way Applejack clearly states her problem and Twilight clearly states her answer. This is a simple thing you can do to make text and speech easier to read in English. It is also the proper way to write speech when writing in English.
As for my complaints about your story description, I'll paste that into here and put a number next to everything that throws me off:
Nightmare Moon 1have 2Returned to Equestria and 6abrings now her Glorios Eternal Night. After taking the Elements from 3there Bearers and stripping Celestia from her 4Powers, the Dark Queen can now rule as she pleases. But....is that 6bafter all such a bad 5Thing? Is she really that bad?
1. has vs have. The correct word to use here is has. Has is the singular version of have. Nightmare Moon is one entity, and as such needs the singular version, has. If it was Nightmare Moon and her cronies, then you could say have. This is a jarring mistake and will confuse a reader. It is also an easily correctable mistake that can be learned!
2. You don't need to capitalize Returned. It should be returned. You only need to capitalize the first word of the sentence or a proper noun. A proper noun is anything's name. Like Nightmare Moon v.s. the big black pony. This is honestly a minor mistake, but is repeated often and is easy to correct and identify.
3. there/their/they're. This is a case of a word that sounds the same having three different spellings with three very different meanings. Let's take the sentence "They are over in that location with things that belong to them." We can use "there" "their" and "they're" to make this sentence shorter and more intelligible.
"There" means a location like "They are over there with things that belong to them."
Their means possessive. It means something that belongs to something else. In this case it would be used like "They are over there with their things."
And finally they're is a conjunction. It is the words "they" and "are" joined together as one. It means the same thing as "they are" it is just shorter to say and write. For instance you could use it as "They're over there with their things."
4. Unnecessary capitols. Powers is not a proper noun unless you are talking about "Austin Powers, the international man of mystery."
5. Unnecessary capitols. See 4 and 2.
6. This one is more complicated. A regular English speaker wouldn't be able to immediately tell you what was wrong, just that something is wrong. It is a word order problem. You are saying something in a more complicated way than it needs to be said by arranging the words in a way that's more natural in your regular language. While this technically works, a natural English speaker would never do that, and would be confused as to why you did.
Take 6a, "And brings now her glorious night." A regular English speaker would arrange those words as "And now brings her glorious night." The reason for this is that she is bringing her glorious night, she is not bringing now. While there is no specific rule that say's those words have to be next to each other, it makes the sentence less confusing with no added length. As for 6b, a common phrase is "is that such a bad thing after all?" You wrote "Is that after all such a bad thing?" It is a similar issue, where "that" is "such a bad thing", not "that" is "after all."
I wouldn't worry about the 6 problems until you have a better grasp of things, I'd focus more on 1-5. Honestly most natural English speakers run into 1-5 very often as they learn to write, and it's number six that's the clue that your learning English. So I'd focus on 1-5 to get a grasp of your tools. Don't forget paragraphs!
So, for your next story, try to focus on paragraph breaks, correct usage of their/they're/there and have/has. This will increase readability a lot and help with your English. If you identify any word order problems, feel free to try to solve them but don't get discouraged over them. I'd wait on those until you have a solid grasp on things. Feel free to message me with questions and stuff. Also keep in mind, I might be wrong about there not being a specific rule about word order, it might just be so second nature I don't know the rule.
I'm watching you because I think you will improve, and I would like to see that. Good luck!
>>tailsopony
Thanks, i think your Comment will help me.
I CAN READ IT!!!!!
Im liking this......and maid idea...>.>....but grammar .....im not that nitpicky about it but yea the grammar..
>> Trot C. Foxy
I tried, i tried....
743086 hay if you want to get the comment and return to go through then there is a little box with double speach bubbles in it that you can click that'll put up >>[insert random post number] this will basically reply to the person and notify them that you've replyed to them my reply to you consists of>>[743086] excluding brackets will turn into >>Ecko7 which basically is the reply. also to add on to what tailsopony said about readability if you want your paragraphs to be easyer for the reader to understand read and like rather than be overwealmed by what they think is a massive wall of garbled unmodified raw text then you might want to double space your paragraphs
as for the story the muse is awsome i really hope you continue it also i do wonder how your taking these simple engrish lessons i mean i suck at new languages, i try japanese but fail i'm doing somewhat good at the dead language that is latin other languages i've tried was deutsch and russian русский(Russisch) anyway my forayes into foreign languages has been quite appealing and fun. anyway another way to unconsiousely improve your grammar is to read plenty of works written in the english language. if you need a pre reader there are plenty of people here willing to help. otherwise your doing fine other than the ocasional gaff here or there which can easily be pointed out otherwise there really isn't much to worry about so please keep up the good work
also 
theres not enough nmm fiction in this world.
hopefully i dont come off as condescending or worse... sry if i do. i only wish to help ja
Edit: finally on the last chapter gah my eyes i might have a head aich for a few days but it shall be worth it.
Edit#2: finished damn eyes i want to rip them out ...bloody friggin headaich anyway good story so far if you want help with grammar and spelling send me a pm
I glanced over the story and i am sorry to say i wont be reading it i can deal with bad grammar but the formatting is just horrible. break up the walls of text and i will come back to it.
743086 one question do you plan on still updating this story?
>>Xaldon ajide
Yes, i will updating, i only have a lot to do. I continiue so fast i can.
Ecko. I am Heavy Weapons Guy,
I will say that I like the idea of the Story, there is -not- enough Nightmare Moon fics out there, and I will give you a like for it.
However, if I were to judge the story on it's quality, I would give it a dislike, due to the fact that the main bits of the story is one, great big WALL-O-TEXT, make spaces between the paragraphs! And a few grammar issues, but I wont complain much on that, due to it being your secondary language. Good luck Comrade.
sweet celestia you've made tremendous improvements to the first chapter good job and congratulations i also no longer need Alvera for the eyes so that's another plus your working your way up friend grats now i cant wait for the next chapter to come out
cheers
630020 oh my gosh this is a major improvement from when i originally saw it. you sir are improving well. and the editor did a fin job of correcting and fixing errors i mean if the people that read it before read it now they would be immensly impressed and probably read it now that its been edited. cheers to you fin sir.
note: yes i'm exited about this vendetta because twiXmoon is one of my favorite ships.
till your 4th chapter then.
cheers
663420
lol, you're welcome, my friend.
I've to say, when you first released the story, while I found the concept somewhat interesting, the unedited writing made me to lose almost all interest in following this story. After finding the story again I don't know what drove me to check it out again, and I've to say I'm glad to have given it a second chance. A proper editing makes a big difference, as of this comment posting date it's still noticeable on the rather abrupt change from the first two chapters to the third, I'll be waiting for the updated version of that one. It's unfortunate that the previous rating and pre-edit comments will probably keep some people from even giving a fair chance, but personally I'll be watching were are you taking it.
On another note, “Just... Nightmare is fine for right now, Twilight,” while I don't expect Nightmare Moon to start calling herself Luna, wouldn't it be more appropriated to ask Twilight to call her Moon, or even the full Nightmare Moon instead of Nightmare? I mean, the nightmare part of the name probably came from a desire to intimidate those who didn't love her night, with her "new" personality, one more akin to Luna, if what Celestia think she saw on her eyes is true, asking to be called Nightmare alone seems a little odd to me.
Interesting continue
great chapter i like Moonlight more then Twilestia
994545
I've wanted to change Nightmare Moon's name for a little while, but that's up to Ecko7.
What was updated?
been 34 weeks since my last post MOAR
ok first off as a grammar and english word principle. I need to know immediately if you are making this mistake on purpose with the 'EDITED' chapters of this story. because Editet is not the correct spelling it is pronounced Edited. sorry one minute grammar nazi there.
apprehensively, and throat are the corrections.
Nightie is getting there, relationship wise with nightmare moon, and Celestio just lost her one true and loyal subject due to her own disloyalty.
Whelp stbh.
cheers
Yay
Glorious
Author, I have a pretty major concern with your story right now. You see, when I try to click the "next chapter" button, it does not seem to work. I do hope that this can be addressed soon.
Seriously though, great story.
I try to fix that soon.
and she just won over ANY that harbored any dislike for her and reinforced everyone elses high regard for her
I must say that I like this story after it was edited, and relationships between characters and even shipping part improved.
Though the way how easy Nightmare Moon took over and from where she got Celestia to use her as living shield is not explained to well, and also, Twilight, for a pony what can withstand tons of cargo being doped on her, I find her far to week to be send into hospital after one hit from smaller version of Celestia, when did Twilight become a pussy, she was always a walking power house.
2453690i second that moeshen
Great opportunity for a rebound relationship. I'm gonna laugh if Celestia discovers her feelings for Twilight were more than familial after seeing her and Nightmare making out, only to realize her chances are completely shot. Hope to see this one updated soon!
Well, this is AU and technically that hasn't happened yet. Plus, creative license for drama and advancing the story.
Listening to Aviators' One Hearth's Warming Eve and practically crying from the D'awww of this... I wish I had someone like that. I asked someone out that I've liked for two years and she... well, she already had a boyfriend. It really hurts when you wait that long. If anyone has advice, just message me.
what was with the scene where nmm told everyone to look into her eyes?.....
and there was another strange scene i wanted to comment on but i can't seem to remember what it was now....
holy crap using the assumed captured celestia as a meat shield from the elements , freaking genius , i wsh that would have actually happened in the show ^^ .....
ouch much , that didn't seem right at all though , pretty sure celestia wouldn't hit twi no matter what she did.....
>she turned to the guards and said, "Night Court is closed for the evening, tell any new petitioners that they may come and be heard tomorrow. I am not to be disturbed unless all of the other nations have decided to declare war on Equestria and the castle is crumbling from thier combined assault, do I make myself clear?
>a guard knocked twice, then entered the room and trotted up to the Lunar Queen and whispered something in her ear.
"What?" Nightmare Moon asked, "AGAIN?! Ugh... I'm sorry, Celly, but duty calls, I suppose. You're welcome to come along, if you wish.
............................
i really don't like celestia's portrayal how losing her powers somehow makes her behave as an incompetent child......
NEVER SHALL I READ THIS FILTH!
How dare you ruin what would be a wonderful story?
Excuse me, but what is the matter here?
3570106 Read chapter one.
I saw this fanfiction, it ticks ninety percent of my boxes when it comes to the fanfictions I love.
I then read the first chapter and it falls victim to so many sins.
Wich are?
3570252 Read the chapter and you will see. There were more than can be named.
3547031
Celestia was pretty much in a state of panic when she struck Twilight. A lot of people out are guilty of doing things that they normally wouldn't do when they were in a state of panic.
3824930 smart people don't go into panic....
also celestia would never hit twi no matter what she did.....
sorry, but the italicized conversations sorta feels unnatural to me... but great story otherwise can't wait for more!
3824960
static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111016141436/mlp/images/2/28/Twilight_Sparkle_Crazy_S2E3.png
3959817 ok let me rephrase that , wise people don't go into panic....
Just deal with it. It is part of the Story line, basta! Oh, and wise People can panic like normal people!
3960861 proof...
“It's the middle of the night, but, it's as bright and warm as it was earlier this afternoon!” So wtf is the point of having eternal night if it will not feel,look or work like it was actually night?