Hey. I haven't read your story, but that's due to the grammar errors in your description. I'm pretty put off by them. I don't think I could make it through your story if it is written at the same level. I'm sorry. I'd just be too busy getting fixated on every little issue where you screwed up the tense. Is English your second language? I think the reviews you are going to see are going to reflect this.

Don't take it too hard, and try to get somebody to help you proofread things. Understanding have and has will help, and try not to capitalize random words. You need to put a lot of effort into your description so that people aren't put off by it. It's the first thing people see, so they will decide to read or not to read your story based on it. I have delayed rating your story in the hopes you clean up your description, and maybe double check your story for grammar issues. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. Good luck!

You have a real wall o'text going on there!

There should be a new paragraph whenever you change the character speaking, at the very least..

>>tailsopony

No, English is not my Language. I from Germany, but i try and give my best to learn English. I have thought to write Story´s in English would help me. But now i don´t think so anymore....

>>Ecko7

It's actually a great idea. It's good practice. One of the tricks about practicing is to practice correctly, which is where a pre-reader or somebody like that comes in. They can help correct grammar errors as they appear. As long as you learn from each mistake it's not a problem at all! Take this story description. You have about 6 obvious errors. Assuming somebody helps you to correct them you can get those obvious errors down to nothing. Next time you write a description you will hopefully not make the same mistakes. There might be another 6 obvious errors, but as long as they are different obvious errors, you are making progress. Eventually with this process you will make less and less errors as long as you are willing to learn. It won't always feel like progress, it can be slow and difficult, but it will help if you make the effort.

Take what >>Cursed Ship said. He states that you need a new paragraph every time there is a new speaker. This is a very easy to apply lesson. For example here is some out of character speech between Applejack and Twilight:

Applejack said,"Twilight why do y'all keep harassing me about these things? You know I'm no good at writing stuff and making things into words. That's what ma brother is for."

Twilight responded,"I just love to bug you A.J."
------------------------
You could wright that as one block of text, like:
Applejack said,"Twilight why do y'all keep harassin me about these things? You know I'm no good at writing stuff and making things into words. That's what ma brother is for." Twilight responded,"I just love to bug you A.J."

However, this is the wrong way to do it. See how in this way it's more difficult to distinguish the speaker? The first way Applejack clearly states her problem and Twilight clearly states her answer. This is a simple thing you can do to make text and speech easier to read in English. It is also the proper way to write speech when writing in English.

As for my complaints about your story description, I'll paste that into here and put a number next to everything that throws me off:

Nightmare Moon 1have 2Returned to Equestria and 6abrings now her Glorios Eternal Night. After taking the Elements from 3there Bearers and stripping Celestia from her 4Powers, the Dark Queen can now rule as she pleases. But....is that 6bafter all such a bad 5Thing? Is she really that bad?

1. has vs have. The correct word to use here is has. Has is the singular version of have. Nightmare Moon is one entity, and as such needs the singular version, has. If it was Nightmare Moon and her cronies, then you could say have. This is a jarring mistake and will confuse a reader. It is also an easily correctable mistake that can be learned!

2. You don't need to capitalize Returned. It should be returned. You only need to capitalize the first word of the sentence or a proper noun. A proper noun is anything's name. Like Nightmare Moon v.s. the big black pony. This is honestly a minor mistake, but is repeated often and is easy to correct and identify.

3. there/their/they're. This is a case of a word that sounds the same having three different spellings with three very different meanings. Let's take the sentence "They are over in that location with things that belong to them." We can use "there" "their" and "they're" to make this sentence shorter and more intelligible.
"There" means a location like "They are over there with things that belong to them."
Their means possessive. It means something that belongs to something else. In this case it would be used like "They are over there with their things."
And finally they're is a conjunction. It is the words "they" and "are" joined together as one. It means the same thing as "they are" it is just shorter to say and write. For instance you could use it as "They're over there with their things."

4. Unnecessary capitols. Powers is not a proper noun unless you are talking about "Austin Powers, the international man of mystery."

5. Unnecessary capitols. See 4 and 2.

6. This one is more complicated. A regular English speaker wouldn't be able to immediately tell you what was wrong, just that something is wrong. It is a word order problem. You are saying something in a more complicated way than it needs to be said by arranging the words in a way that's more natural in your regular language. While this technically works, a natural English speaker would never do that, and would be confused as to why you did.
Take 6a, "And brings now her glorious night." A regular English speaker would arrange those words as "And now brings her glorious night." The reason for this is that she is bringing her glorious night, she is not bringing now. While there is no specific rule that say's those words have to be next to each other, it makes the sentence less confusing with no added length. As for 6b, a common phrase is "is that such a bad thing after all?" You wrote "Is that after all such a bad thing?" It is a similar issue, where "that" is "such a bad thing", not "that" is "after all."

I wouldn't worry about the 6 problems until you have a better grasp of things, I'd focus more on 1-5. Honestly most natural English speakers run into 1-5 very often as they learn to write, and it's number six that's the clue that your learning English. So I'd focus on 1-5 to get a grasp of your tools. Don't forget paragraphs!

So, for your next story, try to focus on paragraph breaks, correct usage of their/they're/there and have/has. This will increase readability a lot and help with your English. If you identify any word order problems, feel free to try to solve them but don't get discouraged over them. I'd wait on those until you have a solid grasp on things. Feel free to message me with questions and stuff. Also keep in mind, I might be wrong about there not being a specific rule about word order, it might just be so second nature I don't know the rule.

I'm watching you because I think you will improve, and I would like to see that. Good luck!

>>tailsopony

Thanks, i think your Comment will help me.

630020 oh my gosh this is a major improvement from when i originally saw it. you sir are improving well. and the editor did a fin job of correcting and fixing errors i mean if the people that read it before read it now they would be immensly impressed and probably read it now that its been edited. cheers to you fin sir.

note: yes i'm exited about this vendetta because twiXmoon is one of my favorite ships. till your 4th chapter then.
cheers

what was with the scene where nmm told everyone to look into her eyes?.....

and there was another strange scene i wanted to comment on but i can't seem to remember what it was now....

holy crap using the assumed captured celestia as a meat shield from the elements , freaking genius , i wsh that would have actually happened in the show ^^ .....

“It's the middle of the night, but, it's as bright and warm as it was earlier this afternoon!” So wtf is the point of having eternal night if it will not feel,look or work like it was actually night?

“So... you used your own SISTER as a shield?! I wouldn't even do that with YOU !” Twilight exclaimed loudly, “you MONSTER !!”

Oh shut up! Jeez she is more annoying every day

I like this version