- Member Since 21st Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Oct 20th, 2017
Anonymo
10/17/17 - I sincerely apologize for all delays. Both of my stories will have the highest priority during my spare time. Look forward writing more :)
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do want to see were this is going
MOAR
plz 
Well only if you want
Great fic, i love moonlight ships
Formatting needs work. Numbers in the text like 'one' or 'two' should always be spelt out and not abbreviated to 1 or 2 in prose, it's very jarring. Same goes for big bold letters saying 'FLASHBACK', just change the text to italics or put a normal page break, such as three asterixes or whatever, and it should be clear from your writing that it's actually a flashback.
Oh yes... and I also wanted to just point out something, this won't be a full out clop, at all. If anything, its more of a romance story. Oh, and the reason why I'm only posting chapters every 3 days or every 2 (Possibly one if I find the time in my schedule.) is because I'm going to spend extra time trying to perfect it. As you see on the prologue, I spent only two hours on it, and I also spent 1 hour doing absolute nothing but going into my living room and doing nothing but standing there wondering why I came down.
Therefore, I came to a conclusion that I wanted this story out today because it may be my only chance today to get it pre-read by one of my friends. So yes, I will try to come out with new chapters every 2-3 days when perfected if I can. Enjoy. (Oh, and I'm going to work on the personalities a bit more, and more specificly, better wording with Nightmare Moon, because she seems to be a straightforward pony.)
Moonlight is best ship, though pretty rare. I think I've only read three or so. Favorited and enjoyed, greatly.
This story has a lot of potential, if you screw it up, well, I haven't really figured that out yet.
Also, this is just a pet peeve of mine, but please try to avoid being too on the nose with descriptions/names, so instead of "I learned a spell named 'magic bolt'" try " I learned how to throw bolts of magical energy" In my opinion it seems like a more natural form of speech, and more characteristic of Twilight's more academic nature, using larger, more complex sentences. Or don't I haven't slept in 48 hours so that may have something to do with it.
YES THIS WILL BE A MOONLIGHT SHIPPING.
The moon be praised!
freakingnews.com/pictures/37500/Praise-the-Moon--37645.jpg
Moonlight is a god-tier ship!
Is it bad that I read this stoned off my ass, and later reread it? Oh well, I like the story AND the update time. Just don't over-stress yourself.
425236
I actually did that on purpose, I tried to make the most basic talking I could for Twilight when the flashback happened, she was supposed to be a very small filly.
While I must say the premiss is one I've seen used alot (Nightmare Moon isnt defeated, and makes Twilight her slave), I'd be lieing if I didnt say it was one of my favorites ^_^
Some areas of the story could use some cleaning up, but that's what revisions are for. I cant wait to see how this goes along, and what sort of twists you can put on it.
Keep it up!
A good beginning for the story!
The one thing I am curious about is how you will explain how Twilight has so much raw power. Is it genetic? Random Chance? Or perhaps it was fate...
Tracking and looking forward to updates.
This looks to be fun, I can't wait to see where it goes especialy given how forcfull Nightmare is being. I wonder what she has planned that required her to leave the castle so quickly?
I love this shipping as much as I love TwiLuna. Keep up the great work.
I like it. Can't wait to see what NM is going to make what seems to be a copy of Twilight do.
First: I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to every update.
Second: I am having trouble understanding the mood you are trying to convey at times. There are points where I know the mood should be ominous with the apparent fear in the characters/twilight, but this is sometimes broken by the dialog.
All I have to say about this chapter other than praise is that the dialog can make the mood change drastically. Also a few spelling/grammar errors spread across the story (as in there are not many errors)
To be honest, the writing is rather poor. For example the lines " Nightmare Moon, feeling her mane, felt it, the new sensation in her mane that was not usually there, the entity of Twilight Sparkle. Nightmare, using her magic pushed the unicorn out of her starry mane." are really redundant and clunky. It seems to jump quite a bit, the thing with NM appearing in the room seconds after TS was handled poorly as well. TS's rather quick acceptance of her slavery and subsequent attachment to NM is incredibly unrealistic. NM's sudden attachment to TS is also rather strange. All of these little things together really give the impression of poor writing and story telling. I would seriously consider rewriting this with better story telling and more concise descriptions in mind.
That said, I like where this is going and hope it turns out to be a great story. However, for that to happen you really need to be made aware the things you're doing wrong. So don't take it the wrong way.
I like the direction this is going so far!
Harsh but not overly so Nightmare Moon. Also the sex comment got a chuckle out of me.
I am very much looking forward to Twilight's descent to the dark side of the pony...
Looking forward to more!
twilightXluna is best pairing
(and yes that does include twilightXnightmare moon)
Great chapter, keep them coming
Yay corrupted twilight
437783
Firstly, so okay you made your point by saying the writing is poor, I understand the writing may not be the best, I accept the critism but frankly, it was during easter when my cousin was writing this and we both had to leave early to visit our family anyway. Therefore, this chapter is rushed but I wanted it out there quicker, but I didn't think I needed it absolutely PERFECT.
As for the rather quick attatchments, that was not what was going on, as you must think, a very cold night and the only warm thing is just a few steps away from you, of course you would want to snuggle against it and go to sleep. I wanted the characters to start having a little confused thoughts about the other, not quick attatchments. Twilight said in her mind 'Shes not that bad of a pony, although she's the worst I've ever seen.' What this means is that she does not think Nightmare Moon would literally go and kill ponies, that is why she cried quickly when she heard the announcement.
One last thing. The feeling of comfort was from the warmth, feeling safe and sound while being very tired is easy.
Thanks for the feedback.
440324
When I was talking about the quick attachments, the part about the snuggling wasn't what I had in mind. I just meant the whole easy going servant stuff with the sort of liking her (sorry if that is not exactly what happened, I'm writing this from memory). And while I agree it doesn't need to be absolutely perfect, there are a lot of very easily fixed things that should be taken care of.
Nightmare seemed to have a personality shift in this chapter to me, like she was a whole different pony from the first chapter... Also what she thinks and what she does do not seem to be anywhere near alike... She thinks Celestia is a tyrant, who needed to be overthrown, yet she herself is proving to be a far worse tyrant... Either she has serious mental issues, or I don't know what...
440670
Key word, 'servant' or 'slave' of course, she doesn't treat her too bad in this part, but she still is just a slave to NMM at the moment..
not read anything other than the description (so far, its kinda late) but it seems like there should be a 'alternative universe' tag?
Hmm, well I'm glad I finally got around to reading this. Good story - I always love a well written MoonLight fic.
Also, just my opinion here, but the emotions in the story seemed a bit rushed. All and all, though, good job. Can't wait to read more.
549491
I was planning on having it out by next week now that my broken arm is pretty much healed, in fact, I already have a few of the first paragraphs done right now and am going to have my friend Brandon write a little too because my hands had to get decapitated.
That was a metaphor. My hands are fine. But they do have a stinging pain in them, I think I sprained my wrist the same time I broke my arm.
549640 yia those double whammies are really annoying anyway its great to hear your getting back into the nick of things o and daum
10mil wa-wah
... you beat me by 3mil i am so gonna try to surpass you in reading
nah lets just have fun reading our good books
hay anonymo how ling till your next glorious chapter or... is the story dead?
It's not dead, it's just that I have been extremely busy lately dealing with some issues in real life. I will continue it when I have the time, sorry if I'm keeping you waiting.740353
I really like the story- but Nightmare Moon doesn't seem cruel. At all. I'm not sure if cruel was what you were going for, though...
a great read i look forward to the next chapter
hopefully this weak your chapter will come... hopefully
we need more ;-;
913638
Okay, new chapter next week or sooner, I promise.
945223
... it's been 4 weeks. please give moar
Has this story finally died?m
945223 oh really?
When are you gonna continue with the story
"Side Note - I won’t wait 5 years to upload another chapter."
>first comment on chapter 2 over 125 weeks ago
>clearly no chapter 3
>disappoint.
I hope there is more soon
hope or more soon
Really nice
.I love Twiluna shipping and stories around it
,so I´m ready to read chapter 3,whenever it comes out
.
945223 so is this story dead...or what?
I'm glad this is still alive. Thanks, man
426747
Well, if you read this... 4 years ago, can't be half bad.
6824536 Itsss ALIVE muahaha
.
i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--akQCMzm---/rcxig1h9pr3ddb1v2yvc.jpg
Seriously thought im glad you started continuing this after 4 years of hiatus.
It's back... YUS!
WOW