• Member Since 22nd Aug, 2013
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twilightsparkle3562


I am a brony from Massachusetts with Autism who enjoys MLP, Disney and writing!

E

Twilight has proven to be a bad dancer at the Canterlot Garden Party, however one of Rarity's old friends from Canterlot wants to know why she is a bad dancer.

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 28 )

It has a very minimal amount of grammatical errors, but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

6079399 Are you saying you wish it had more errors?

6079505 I think they were saying they were glad it didn't have more errors.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," she said, groggily while coming down the stairs.

This comma is unneeded.

Using her magic, Twilight opened the door and saw a white unicorn with a neat purple mane, standing in front of Twilight with a big smile on her face.

A "her" here would make this sentence less repetitive.

"What in Equestria is…?"

But Twilight was interrupted when Rarity threw a newspaper in her face with her magic.

If Twilight was cut off, an Em Dash — would be better at the end of her dialogue than an ellipsis—which represents a trailing off of a thought—and a question mark.

Twilight looked at a picture of herself on the cover of the newspaper dancing at the Canterlot Garden Party in a strange manner with a phonograph next to it.

"Her". Unless the phonograph was next to the paper or the Garden Party.

Twilight then took notice of 1.)a headline at the 2.)top, "Student of Princess Celestia displays bizzare, yet entertaining behavior."

1.) "The". Unless there was more than one banner headline.
2.) I am not quite sure what you are going for here, but it is one of two things. If this is Twilight reading the headline, the comma should be a period. However, If you are just presenting the headline in quotation marks the comma should be a colon.

It wasn't until Fancy Pants took notice did we feel welcome by the Canterlot Elite.

Actually, they were enjoying themselves immensely until Rarity faltered slightly at admitting they were her friends. They had no f:yay:s to give and seemed completely oblivious about the snobbishness of the upperclass ponies because Rarity liked them, which made them nice ponies in the eyes of Twilight and the others.

The purple unicorn responded by frantically pacing around the center of the library.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Try to avoid this as much as possible.

1.)"Relax Twilight," said Spike, feeling relaxed. "2.)Somepony probably wants to meet you. 3.)You should feel honored that somepony is meeting you."

He didn't know who was coming to meet Twilight, so he turned back to Rarity.

"By the way, Rarity," he 4.)asked. "Who wants to meet Twilight?"

1.) There is so much redundancy in this exchange. Four sentences and four instances of the word "meet".
2.) How does Spike know this? What I mean is, the wording is wrong. If Spike knew somepony wanted to see Twilight, why would he use the word "probably"? If he used the word "probably" why would he come to that conclusion from the headline and the picture alone?
3.) Well, that is kind of rude. Twilight is Princess Celestia's protege, the Element of Magic, and up to that point, saved the world twice. Once from eternal darkness, and once from a demonic god of chaos. Ponies should feel honored to meet Twilight Sparkle.
4.) The period should be a comma and "who" should be lowercase.

"And you seem to be very excited now, Twilight."

This "and" is unneeded.

She then began to grab all the books off of the library and started to reshelve them, much to Spike and Rarity's confusion.

This is awkwardly phrased.

I know you and I know you that you don't act like this.

This "you" is superfluous.

Octavia is like any other pony in Equestria."

"Aw, come on," interrupted Spike.

If Spike really interrupted, that period should be an em dash (—).

"You act weird whenever Sapphire Shores comes by and you don't…"

"That's different, Spike," Rarity interrupted back, placing a hoof over Spike's mouth.

Once again, ellipsis should be an em dash (—).

"You went to finishing school?" remarked Twilight, her mouth dropping open.

That would explain Rarity's British accent and her parents' Bostonian accents.

So, they set about preparing for the tea party that they would have for Octavia Melody…

This entire sentence is unneeded. That whole "show, do not tell" thing. Rarity's question at the end would have been enough.

I read this story expecting it to be about Twilight's awkward dancing. However, it seems like it may be a TwiTavia shipfic in the making. Which I do not mind. I welcome it. There are not enough TwiTavia shipfics on this site.

I would like to see where this goes, so I will favorite and like.

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

Bet you that Octavia wants a hug from Spike.

Better get your gut check.

The very next morning after learning of her visit, Twilight and Spike spent the entire night readying the library for Octavia Melody's visit.

This is a little repetitive. "Arrival" may be better here.

asked Twilight, inspecting the three tea sets.

"About three kinds," said Spike,

More repetitiveness here. It may read better to replace this with "various".

It's not like there is any that Octavia likes.

This sounds like Octavia does not like tea. This should be "Octavia doesn't like".

But, it wasn't Octavia at the door, it was Rarity

This should be "however".

"I mean-?"

I am happy to see you are taking my advice to heart.:twilightsmile: However, the way to create an em dash (—) is to hold down the Alt key and, using the keypad to the right of the keyboard, type 0151, or conversely, copy and paste the one provided.

Just then, a knock was heard at the door and Spike was motioned by Twilight and Rarity to open the door.

More repetitiveness. The emboldened should be changed to "it".

"Please, call me 'Octavia,'" said Octavia, walking past Twilight and Spike.

This should be "she said".

Octavia then placed her 1.)violin on the center table and took notice of the books that she had written. 2.)Octavia took notice and looked at the books with a keen expression.

1.) Octi plays the cello.
2.) More repetition. This whole selection would read better if it was replaced with "She".

"That's I do in my private meetings with my fans, give autographs and nothing more."

There seems to be an "all" missing between these.

"All I ever want is to just be with ponies who appreciate me for who I am: a humble pony who wants to have fun."

Have I got the perfect white Unicorn with a blue mane for you.
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They were surprised that one of the premiere violinists in Equestria would be speaking like this.

"Cellists". Tavi plays the cello.

"My family would never let me be anything but a violinist," replied Octavia.

"Cellists".

"I want to learn moves that I can use to match the music I want to write."

Apparently she wants to be all about that bass cannon bass, no cello.

So... Octavia sought out Twilight's help in becoming dorky. Twilight Sparkle: Prized pupil of Princess Celestia, Element of Magic, savior of the world twice over, most powerful and magically gifted unicorn since Clover the Clever and Star Swirl the Bearded. Master of Dork-fu. I look forward to the development of Dorktavia into a Dork-fu acolyte. This is turning into something more than I thought it would. Though I am still hoping for some Twitavia.

I look forward to the next chapter.

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

"If you want to prove to those who doubt you, then do what I do."

Prove what?

So, Twilight began to 1.)dance her strange music as Octavia watched carefully and intently. The actions that Twilight was doing were also being taken note of by Spike and Rarity, who 2.)could watch with their mouths hanging open.

1.) There is a "to" missing between these.
2.) There is an "only" missing between these.

"It takes practice," replied Twilight.

Not really. You are just flailing your arms about wildly in a full-bodied dry heave set to music.

"You've got to in the words of Rainbow Dash, 'party down, Ponyville style.'"

Missing comma.

1A.)"This is kind of awkward," Octavia thought as she continued to boogie down to the music. 1B.)"But, I am starting to love it!"

Feeling like she was free of her chains, Octavia 2.)continued to boogie down to the music as Twilight and Rarity watched with keen interest.

1AB.) You may want to separate internal monologue from external dialogue. Instead of quotation marks, these lines should be italicized.
2.) This is repetitive. Maybe replace it with "continued her dance"?

"Sure, let's see how you 1.)do it with it," replied Twilight as Spike once again rewound the phonographs while Octavia thought of a song to play to the music.

1.) This should be "dance".
2.) The s is unneeded.

"What is it, Octavia?" asked Rarity. "Don't keep us in suspense, tell us what it is."

With what came before the emboldened section and what comes after it, this is unnecessary.

"Although its not like when we were in finishing school, you know."

This is the wrong "it's."

"I'm sure they will react when they get used to it," said Rarity, remembering words she said to herself while in Canterlot.

The Canterlot snobs will react to it before they get used to it. They will react poorly, but they will react. A word seems to be missing here. "Fine"? "Wonderfully"? "Appropriately"? No, that one sounds like they would lynch her.

I have been thinking of moving out of Canterlot for some time: give me a chance to experience something new.

This colon should be a comma.

"I think we know of somepony," said Rarity as she and Twilight grabbed Octavia and pulled her to the front door. "We'll introduce you to her. Come on."

fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/266/7/4/vinyl_scratch_dj__s_with_the_fire_by_likonan-d5fm82d.png

I think I may know who is coming next. It is Fluttershy, right?

Twilight spreading her adorkableness to other ponies is always a win. Even if it is through a zombie-like transference. But on purpose? That is even more adorkable.

I look forward to your next chapter.

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

I smell steamy tension.

In Octavia's mind, she thought that this was being sprung up on here for no reason at all.

This is one word.

Twilight aimed the stone at the window and fired it at the window.

This is unneeded.

"This is Octavia," said Twilight. "She is somepony that is going to be moving in with you."

This brought a smile to the pony's face as she straightened out Octavia's bow tie.

I know from experience that casual acquaintances coming to your house and surprising you by telling you a stranger will be living with you indefinitely when you are used to living alone is not a happy experience.

"But, that doesn't mean she is a nice pony."

This should be "isn't" or "is not".

The pony handed Octavia the paper and she read to see that the pony had written her name down for Octavia to see.

This is unneeded.

"I am visiting from Canterlot and are thinking of moving in with you."

"Am".

"Perhaps its best we leave them alone to get to know each other."

This should be "it's."

But, only time would tell if Octavia and Vinyl Scratch would get along…

This story seems to be turning into something else entirely. It started out as Octavia being interested in Twilight's white and nerdy dance.

Now it has turned into "When Vinyl Met Octy".
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I will have what she is having.:raritywink:

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

Octavia looked at several old 1.)vinyl records that belonged to Vinyl. She could see that Vinyl was very protective of some of her 2.)posessions and Octavia was more than willing to abide by her rules.

1.) Maybe remove this one so that this sentence is not so repetitive.
2.) "Possessions".

"Then maybe perhaps, I could create my own space and then you create yours."

You only need one of these and the comma is unnecessary.

To be rid of all this old equipment was relieving to say the least, but at the same time, 1.)it was also containing various old memories. However, 2.)it was memories that she would rather not think of.

1.) This would sound better as "they also contained many".
2.) "They were".

Vinyl and Octavia had re done the house with a purple coloring on Vinyl's side

This is one word.

"We sure outdid ourselves a skotch, eh?"

I think you may have meant "skosh".

"Again, I am not a fan of this kind of music," thought Octavia, who began to beat down to the music. "But, I love it. It's just like what Twilight taught me."

Once again you should separate external dialogue (characters speaking) from internal monologue (characters thinking). The emboldened sentences should be italicized and without the quotation marks.

And the awkward dance lessons began to creep in and Octavia began to move like a rock as she attempted to match her music to Vinyl's scratch.

The emboldened words are unneeded.

"1.)Sounds like they are getting along," said Twilight, who began to feel the dance vibe and 2.)start her awkward dancing again.

1.) I guess you could say that they were making beautiful music together.:rainbowlaugh:
2.) "started".

Curiouser and curiouser. The deeper this rabbit hole goes, the more twist and turns I find.

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

"Dudette, why so low?" remarked Vinyl in a smooth talking voice. "You are bumming me out."

When did Vinyl become Tree Hugger and Octavia become Fluttershy?
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Twilight herself was known to break down whenever something stressful came into her life.

"Octavia remember," said Twilight, placing a hoof on Octavia's shoulder.

This needs a comma after it.

Doing her moves again, Octavia was slight better, but she was not perfect and the performance was still a few days away.

"Slightly".

"I know that you are trying to get me fired up with your music again, but I am trying to"

I think this ellipsis should be an em dash(—).

"I will have Octavia face her parents and she would tell them what she thinks of them, criticizing her performances."

This comma is unneeded.

The next morning in Canterlot was going to be interesting…

Yes, I simply cannot wait.

Layer upon layer upon layer. This story gets deeper and more intricate and better the further you go. It is like a chocolate parfait inside of a rubik's cube inside of a puzzle box.

...I am not very good at analogies...:twilightblush:

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

"Given the fact that she can do those dance moves of yours, I suppose-."

The hyphen should be and em dash (—), and the period is unneeded because the em dash takes its place.

Rarity and Twilight passed their tickets to the conductor and 1.)he punched them before moving on to the next set of 2.)ticketed passengers.

1.) Poor Rarity and Twilight.:raritydespair::twilightoops: I hope they are not hurt too badly.
2.) How do you know the other passengers have tickets? The conductor did not know that Twilight and Rarity had tickets. Who is to say there is not some kind of drama on the train?

"1.)The parents of Octavia Melody are in the process of having company at the present time. So, if you would be so kind2.)-."

1.) Why would he address the masters of the house like this? He has no idea who these two random mares are and no idea why they have come to the house. He should say "the masters of the house", or, to make him even more stuffy, keep the family name, and make it more alliterative, "Monsieur and Madame Melody".
2.) The hyphen should be and em dash (—), and the period is unneeded because the em dash takes its place.

"It's just we haven't seen you in a while and-."

The hyphen should be and em dash (—), and the period is unneeded because the em dash takes its place.

This gave a glimmer of hope for Twilight Velvet, as this was a sign that her daughter was making friends.

This would read better as, "This gave Twilight Velvet a glimmer of hope". Also the comma is unneeded.

"I suppose you must have heard of me, Mrs. Sparkle," chuckled Rarity.

"Velvet", Sparkle is the other one.

"Very nice to meet you, Mr. Sparkle," said Rarity.

"Light".

Both Twilight and Rarity were stunned by this, thinking that Octavia's parents would be appalled that the pony who created such dance moves would even set foot in a home of this luxury.

"Hoof". Also, Twilight Sparkle did not have a normal foalhood. Her brother was a royal guard. Her foalsitter was a princess, and that was all before she got her cutie mark. After she got her cutie mark, she was not only accepted into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, Princess Celestia made Twilight her own personal protege so she could teach Twilight herself. Ponies who know Twilight Sparkle's parents know this.

Sometimes, it gets boring here in Canterlot when nothing exciting happens.

They should move to Ponyville, it gets attacked by a different monster every other Tuesday.

I think she hides her feelings in her music.

"You hurt me now, but I won't cry. I am Oc-ta-vi-a."

We've got to prove to her that her parents are not like what she claims them out to be.

"Makes".

Twilight couldn't answer that question right away, but instead had the idea of bringing her parents to visit Octavia and Vinyl Scratch in Ponyville.

That is exactly what Rarity just suggested. Unless Twilight is thinking of bringing her own parents.

Finding out that Octavia's parents wished their daughter was more awkward is just proof of how dull life has gotten for the ponies. They need random acts of zaniness to pull them out of their doldrums. Begging for the escape of Discord to turn their houses upside down and turn all their furniture into whoopee cushions.

When will this boring life we all lead become exciting and amusing? Maybe we should invite a bunch of poor ponies to our estate and tell them that they are going to have a big meal, but then we hunt them.

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

"What is it that you and Rarity want to tell me?"

This is unneeded because Octavia just said it.

Rarity and Twilight sighed as they gave each other a look of worry on their faces while Octavia was kept in suspense.

This part is unneeded.

This made a mental stick in Octavia's mind break in half, for as far as she knew, the two ponies that had given her a second chance would do such a thing to her.

There seems to be a "not" missing between these.

"If you could just let us explain, we could-."

This hyphen should be an em dash (—), and the period is unneeded.

She let out several more groans and it was after a few moments did Rarity release her grip on Octavia, dropping her to the floor.

Missing "only".

"Everypony 1.)has their own worst critic, Octavia," continued Rarity, as Twilight got back to her 2.)feet. "3A.)And sometimes the only worst critic is yourself! That's what you 4.)are Octavia, 3B.)your own worst critic!"

1.) "Has" should be replaced with "is".
2.) "Hooves".
3AB.) These are completely unneeded and repetitive, they should be deleted.
4.) There should be a comma between "are" and "Octavia" and the comma after "Octavia" should be deleted and replaced with the exclamation at the end of the paragraph.

Your parents care about you and want you to be yourself as do us!

"As do we".

"You were once like me?" remarked Octavia, rising to her feet.

"Hooves".

Once Octavia 1.)was sat down, Twilight took 2.)in a deep breath and began her story.

1.) This should either be "sat down" or "was seated".
2.) This is unneeded.

"When I was a filly," began Twilight.

Little did Twilight know she would be repeating this speech later that month.

I isolated myself in studies and when I failed at something, I blamed myself and kept my feelings from everypony but myself.

This is unneeded.

Twilight and Rarity silently nodded that they were right about Octavia acting the way she was.

This entire selection is unneeded and can be summed up, and should be replaced with the word "assent".

"I'm sure 1.)you see that you see why 2.)I am trying to make you dance like me at the Garden Party," said Twilight, walking over to comfort Octavia.

1.) The emboldened part is unneeded.
2.) Octavia sought out Twilight. The whole thing was Octavia's idea.

"You just have to give that talent a chance for everypony to see as you are."

There should be a "you" between these words.

"If you say that I shouldn't let 1.)everypony walk over me," said 2.)Octavia. "Then, you're 3.)right, I should let everypony know that I am more than what I say I am."

1.) This should be "anypony".
2.) The period should be a comma and "then" should be lowercase.
3.) This comma should be a period.

"They need to see you tell them what has been on your mind."

This should be "you to".

Now all that is left is for Octavia to confront her parents and dance awkwardly for them. Then dance awkwardly at her concert.

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

6083488 I'm sure that Octavia can play more than one instrument.

6129269 Fair dues, but by that logic, Applejack has a pear orchard.

6129269 When I initially noted that Octavia played the violin, I was thinking of the Octavia lookalike in "Apple Family Reunion."

Imagine what would happen if Flash Sentry show up.

6131405 This is LONG before Twilight even met Flash Sentry.

6131378 Well the Apple Clan grows corn at Sweet Apple Acres too. No one says that they can't diversify.

Oh Fiddle Sticks! (Apple family Violin player)

Knew a gal who had the same anxieties---Did great in high school but claimed she was a failure;
Later in College she pulled a Peter Pan off a 3rd story stair well luckily she lived.

Some folks are just wrapped up too tight. . . .

Chapter nine: Octavia Meets Her Parents:

The night before Octavia's recital in Canterlot, Twilight and Rarity along with Vinyl Scratch took the first train back to Equestria's capitol.

This should be "Twilight, Rarity, and Vinyl Scratch" (the Oxford comma is, of course, optional) or "Twilight and Rarity, along with Vinyl Scratch,".

"They will probably be wanting my autograph,"

Why? Did I miss something?*

"I'm home, a place that I both want to and don't want to be at the same time."

That is called "ambivalence". Simultaneous repulsion and attraction.

But, I was afraid that you wouldn't be satisfied with whatever I would accomplish, no matter how hard I tried.

Have you ever read A Puppet To Her Fame by Kaidan?

"The only one you are feeling sorry for your actions is yourself, Octavia," added her father, his voice a little stern.

This is unneeded.

1.)How dare you think 2.)of the fact we would act this way?

1.) This seems awful harsh for someone who is not supposed to be furious or offended. Maybe "why would you"?
2.) This is unneeded.

She was now beginning to see that she was acting ridiculous over something that was never going to happen.

To make this less repetitive, may I suggest replacing this with "she now saw"?

"Groovy, babe," remarked Vinyl, looking over to Rarity. "Hopefully Octi can mello and bliss out."

Vinyl has got to stop smoking pot with Tree Hugger, she is picking up even more of her idiolect. Also, you misspelled "mellow".

Meanwhile, Twilight was having trouble trying to shoo away the crowds of ponies that continued to surround the fence, trying to catch a glimpse of the pony who dance awkwardly.

*Oh, right, never mind. Duh.:twilightblush: Also, "danced" or "dances".

Twilight activated her horn and a surge came out of it, sending what appeared to be a large pink dome surrounding the house.

NONE MAY ENTER THE ORB! A cookie to anyone who gets that reference.

"Now, Octavia can focus on her recital."

This comma is unneeded because you are not addressing Octavia, you are only talking about her.

"I certainly hope so," added Rarity, taking in a deep sigh of relief, only to notice the force field right outside.

To make the rest of this paragraph less repetitive, this should be deleted.

Well, that meeting went off without too much of a hitch. Next comes Octavia's concert.

...Of silly awkwardness.
Let the silliness commence!

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

Twas a fun read, have a like :twilightsmile:

Chapter ten: Night of the Recital:

"The shows almost gonna start."

This should end in apostrophe s because this should be a contraction of "show is".

She knew that her parents would be happy with whatever she chose to follow1.), but would the rest of Canterlot let her do such a 2.)thing.

1.) The comma should be a period and "but" should be capitalized.
2.) The period should be a question mark.

Looking down, Octavia could see her parents, in their own formal attire, looking up and smiling at their daughter.

"Own" is unneeded.

"Remember Octavia, just be yourself."

Missing comma, otherwise it sounds like you are asking if you remember Octavia.

"Vinyl Scratch," said Twilight, relieved that the dj playing pony had arrived.

Both letters in "DJ" should be capitalized and "playing" is unnecessary.

"Why? And let my new roommate not feel abandoned?"

This is not really a response to the previous line. It also sounds like she wants Octavia to feel abandoned. Might I suggest, "Of course! I wouldn't leave my new roommate hangin'."

Something is wrong, she thought to herself. Why aren't they reacting to my music? Somepony please help me!

The emboldened parts should be italicized.

"That's A.)our daughter!" cried Octavia's parents as they began to dance along with the music. "Come on, everypony! Support B.)my daughter! Come up and dance!"

Who is talking here? It goes from a plural pronoun (A) to a singular pronoun (B). Is it just one of Octavia's parents or are they speaking in unison?

Seeing the dancing that her husband and daughter were doing, Octavia's mother as joined in and soon, some of the Canterlot ponies also joined in, starting to get a vibe for what was happening around them.

The "as" is unneeded.

That was adorable.

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

Chapter eleven: Thanking Twilight Sparkle:

"I want you to know something Octavia," said her father as Octavia ate breakfast with her parents one morning.

Missing comma.

"I think this is the beginning of a beautiful partnership if I do say so myself."

Missing comma.

I liked this. It was neat. It was fun to read.

~KBO.:twilightsmile:

Fear not, fellow ponies...

Twilight will teach you the TRUE art of DANCING
She puts Discord's to shame

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