"Dear Dallas, Texas,
"Someone please help. I have been turned into a unicorn, and everyone seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth!
"If you can hear this, please come!
"It's very lonely... please..."
This story is a supplement to Starscribe's "The Last Pony on Earth" It was also the very first side-story in the "Ponies after People" setting. Call me a trendsetter.
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Alrighty, so let's see how this one goes, eh?
(Hi, I'm the guy that does all of The Last Pony on Earth's artwork.)
knock off of the story "Last Pony on Earth" I presume?
6037567
Not a knock off, no. An officially supported "spin off" set in the same world at the same time. The two happen alongside each other.
Interesting to be see the perspective of starting from somewhere else, as something else. I look forward to reading this story and seeing where you take it!
6037684 ah. will be complicated to mix the two stories if it happens. then if they do, it would seem redundant a little for two stories have the same thing going on, just from different perspectives.
6037544 Greetings! I hope you enjoy!
Texas seems very popular.
Figuring out magic should be fun. And far from easy.
6037825 It's right at his fingertips... or, hooftips? Put he just can't get it. Not yet, anyway.
I chose Dallas because I live there. It's just easier because I (if vaguely) know the layout.
Huzzah, you get the honor of first side fic
I plan on having mine set down in the county below
6037825
Texas is the second most populace state my Canadian friend
One little nitpick, everyone dissappeared on the 23ed not the 21st
6038264 Nope! I thought that too. The first chapter was on the 23rd, but it opens with "two days ago, something strange happened." Or something like that.
6038275 Thursdays are bad days. Everyone knows that.
So he's starting to learn about his magic? Cool beans. And wow... I just realized that was a pun. A horrible pun.
6038275
Ahh
Yay, you seem off to a pretty good start here. Still, when there's a story I really like (or I'm just really interested to see where it will go) I feel obligated to give a little constructive criticism. The sort of input I would give to myself if I read my own stories (though obviously if I knew what to tell myself in my criticism, I would've already started working on fixing those things so my complaints would have to change.
I like to start off with the good things, and the things I think you're doing really, really well. For you, the first on that list is the writing itself. The spelling and grammar in general is great. That already puts this stories light-years ahead of many other stories here. It's well-constructed, like a sturdy public building.
What's my main complaint? I feel like this story hasn't found the magic yet. It's fun, and I'm personally excited to see the different ways someone will take a concept I spawned. See how unique and different the lives of this character might be. What do I mean, then?
I guess I'm yet to see what new awesome this story will bring to the "Last Pony on Earth" genre (eeek, is that a thing?). You've got the first unicorn for a protagonist, and it seems some of the very first things he discovers and talks about are magic-related. This seems to have the potential for something great.
Yet I don't think it's quite arrived at something great yet. For one, discovering your "magic" took only two entries. Even if a week or more took place between them, it doesn't feel like a week when they're the very beginning of the story. I feel like when characters "get something" in a story, they have to "earn" that something, or it doesn't feel deserved. It doesn't feel like Leon really "earned" his discover of magic so quickly. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. It's not like life is fair or makes you earn things (it often does, but not always). Sometimes fate or chance get involved, as seems to be the case here. Such situations are hardly satisfying from a literary perspective, though.
I feel like I want to know Leon better. I know very little about him right now, except that he was the sort of person to know one of the proper meanings for the word "Alicorn" (a confusing word choice for this site, considering the meaning of that word in the fandom). I know how Leon is trying to survive, but I don't know who he was before or what his goals were. Investment in the main character is presently weaker (at least for me) than you would want for a story so heavily driven by the narrative of a single voice (like the journal format).
Along those same lines, I feel like Leon is making leaps of logic that don't quite follow from the facts. (he's not wrong, and that's the problem. All his guesses seem to be right). Even geniuses make mistakes, and when they do they become endearing to us.
I don't understand why he's dictating what seems to be his journal to the nearby city. Writing down what happened that day seems useful, and plenty of people use broadcasting mediums (like social media) just to talk about themselves. It just strikes me as strange, since he seems to be riding the line between emergency broadcast and a lifestyle blog.
I think this story's great so far. I think it has potential. I wouldn't have taken the time to say all this otherwise. I just cross my fingers to see it going somewhere new. The newer and further apart from the story in The Last Pony On Earth, the further you'll go from clone and the more readers you'll be able to attract. Having a unicorn main character somewhere else is an excellent start, but just being a different species isn't enough.
TLDR:
1. You're doing great, keep going!
2. Think of what new stuff you can bring to the table besides Leon being a unicorn. Don't feel trapped by Last Pony, take the story in bold new directions!
3. Do the unicorn stuff and the magic really, really well.
4. Help us as an audience get to know Leon much better so we can care about what happens to him
5. The more bad things that happen to your main character, the better
Do all that, and you can make a good story great.
6039235 Thank you! I feel obligated to respond to this with a few thoughts of my own, though I recognize if I can't get it across in story, then I have a problem. I want to mention two things: The magic and the personality.
This one's less of a problem. Sure he "discovered," his magic, but that's all it is. He KNOW FOR A FACT it exists, but hell if he knows how to use it. I imagine a unicorn would pretty quickly know their magic is there, he just has to learn how to harness it. That's where a lot of the magic related stuff is heading.
The second is the personality, and this one's a bigger concern. Leon is a sort of "survive now, feel emotions later," kind of guy. He has a mind that's always focused on survival. He's logical, calculating, and introverted. That's why we know so little about him.
However, I will reveal more about him. I won't tell you exactly how though.
Not yet.
On another note, I laughed about the blog kind of broadcasts. He doesn't REALLY need to call for help (he doesn't need it,) he just wants people to come to him. They'll do that if they know he's there. So if he doesn't have much to say, he'll just talk about his day.
Seems OK. But three things:
1) Slow it down. Don't rush straight into the magic - the main fic is a week in and Sky hasn't tried (or succeeded) at flying yet.
2) It's a bit same-y. Spice it up a little. Try to differentiate from the first a bit more.
3) Set the scene more. Texas isn't enough. How rural/urban is the place where he's at? And so on...
I can't help but feel he's got magic down too easily.
6040645 I was afraid of that. I'd like to stresss he can hardly use it. Sure, he can DO magic, but he can't choose when to do it, what he uses it on, and WHAT he uses. He can draw a line on paper, and what he wants to be able to do is write an essay (Metaphorically and physically)
6040653 He knocked over a bin. Filly Twilight could hardly lift a page of a book without practice. I don't care of he was pissed. Being angry doesn't make your punches better at the time - especially if you've never punched before. You should have had him feel dissy - maybe pass out. And I wouldn't have had him lift more than a pencil. And be under a lot of strain doing that. Stretched it over multiple days with his horn not always working (I'd also call it a horn rather than use the special term) when he wanted it to. Not just some meditation. Telling the reader 20 minutes happened and filling that space are different things - if you fill the time jumps between magic usage and practice it seems longer (in this case it actually would be because if you did it over multiple entries).
Just my piece.
TL;DR: Spread it out and limit his powers. Don't always allow his magic to work when he wants it to.
6040708 I see what you're saying, and you're right. But also remember Leon is no colt. I did have him be "inexplicably tired." He returned home and slept through an entire day. But I do need to work on my magic balance.
6040626 This is the best piece of advice given yet, and should be the one you should listen to! Pacing is a huge factor that a lot of people have trouble with (believe me I know) and have a hard time fixing.
Also, as someone who lives in a Texas suburb, yeah, you DEFINITELY want to establish where in Texas you are. Highland Park and Downtown Dallas is a lot different from Lewisville or Plano!
6042860 True. I chose it, but I only VAGUELY know the area. I'll work on that more.
Pacing is a HUGE issue, not just because of ME, but because of LEON. Think about it this way: what you're looking at is the journal entries of a guy who's analytical, logical, not emotionally driven, and takes everything at face value. What this results in is the journal entries simply being highlights of the day. Thus pacing is very hard to pull off. I'm working on getting him out of his shell.
Nonetheless, thanks.
Not bad. I'd like to see a bit more of the adventure tag coming into play next. Pick somewhere in Texas and just use Google street view to describe the scenery he walks past. Or at least the general type of area. I feel a bit of exploration is in order.
6038275
Are you sure about that? I went back and reread the first chapter of LPoE, and I didn't see anything about a couple of days having past prior to A's first entry. Every time reference I saw refers to "yesterday was normal, today everything got weird."
6043918 Huh. Good idea. Thanks.
6044142 I just went back, and... you're right. Before I started I went back, and I could've SWORN it had said two days... I'll change it.
Car and shadow? Griffon perhaps?
How did you know what I planned?
6045298 *smiles conspiratorially*
I have no idea what you're talking about...
*shifts eyes around*
6045308 We'll talk more in PM's later.
6045351 Uh oh, that doesn't sound good.
6045263
I thought the same.
-----
I was afraid your story would be far too similar with the original and thus far it is not. I was gritting my teeth when the first and second chapters were out because of the magic. I felt it was too early, for exemple:
Sweetie Bell only knew how to properly use it after alot of training and lived all her life with magic. How would Leon know how to use it in two weeks? or maybe that's just me, he could maybe understand it better because he is older, fast learning, or...
I see you did something about that, nice. I also wanted him to struggle with it: train-> fail, train harder-> fail, finally understand something -> still fail. But someday he will get it right and feel proud.
alot of talking for almost nothing, sorry.
But anyways, it is nice to see someone starting a sub story this early, you are brave dude. Keep up the goodwork
rip off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sweet~! I wonder if the note it from a changeling? For some reason I just get that vibe.
6045298
I do
6042860
I can agree... Though I live in a small town
A whole colony? And only bat-ponies?
FIVE days after the world ended?
OK, either something weird is going on (a full plane/train/buss or something that all got the same throw of the pony shaped novelty dice), or Max is fibbing his pretty little head off.
Either way, things should get interesting going forward.
A colony? That's... fast. Considering it took A seven days to find a single person in a major metropolitan area.
Max seems fun though. Treating a wing injury? Not as fun. Particularly with hooves.
So, did they manage to get a radio tower online to organis the colony? Or is the colony just a few ponies that managed to find each other through exploration?
While this chapter seemed rushed, I'm not criticising it this time round because it contributed to his excitement. Though there are some missing details I'd like to see.
6052539 Look at the journal date. It's actually over a week, this person didn't start a journal until 1 week in.
6052599
6052570
Okay, so to those of you with questions (like these two fine gentlepeople here), this was actually a crossover. The thestral Max met, David, is from an upcoming story that for some reason hasn't been released. All I was told was that a colony is starting up. I barely even know more than Max does. I'm on an adventure with Max and Leon at this point. All I know, and all they know, is saddle up: an adventure is to be had.
6052622 What type of injury did Max get, by the way? I didn't quite get that part from the entry.
6052622 Not a bad idea, it can help you get in character. My tip for you is make Max as informal as possible that you can be without it seeming too superficial. All of the #banter. Basically make him the guy with +5 Charisma modifier.
6052640 That'll be expanded upon in the next post, worry not.
A colony? Already? Even lightly borrowed from another story, I'm not sure that's a good idea given the events laid out so far in the main story. Feels like a good way to eventually run afoul of whatever explanation is given for the disappearances and the tiny number of ponies who remained.
6052599
Oh, yeah.
Missed that. Good eyes.
Still, twelve days isn't exactly a grand and terrifying abyss of deep time compared to five, so my main point about something seeming off about a whole bat-pony colony forming so fast still stands.
6052873 Don't worry My Little Brony, it will be ok.
I will not rush them getting to Bastrop. The majority of the story will still be focused on basic survival. They'll just occasionally put aside resources. Think of the glass jar you put pennies into. When that jar is full, they move out. So if they do make it to Bastrop, it won't be for a long time.
And even if they do move out, nothing says they will not have any problems.
6053088 My Little Brony? What?
6052993 I'd expect it's not just Bat Ponies. Also, maybe they got access to a radio tower?
One think they could have done is set up a call centre to automatically call every phone in the region then log the ones that answer and call them back. Then you've found people. Or patch through the ones that answer back to you.
One nit: in a world without MLP and bronies, the term "thestral" is, as far as I can tell, exclusive to the Harry Potter books. It seems a bit of a leap for someone to see a pony with bat wings and slit pupils, and immediately associate them with skeletal winged horses that can only be seen by those who've witnessed death.
Then again, someone made that same leap in this fandom already, so what do I know?
6053088
Yeah it reminds me a series of two novels called Infection ( in french, I don't know if it's translated ). A group of survivors were pumped to get to a survival camp. They stayed about two days there, there were too many people ( thousands ), they had to give out weapons and their vehicle. Live conditions were awful and they had to work too. Finally they stole back their gear and got back outside on basic survival, facing Zombies.
Also it reminds me of Zombieland, the story about people from North hearing the promise land was South.
Still going well. I think I'm beginning to like this new guy. All of the #banter. Well, either way, he's better than Hannah's fucking orange sweets #EdexcelMaths (why UK maths tests are the best)
*they're
Edit: Fuck, I'm way to tired to be commenting right now. Ignore everything. Or don't. Your choice dude.