just a guy who likes crossing MLP over into things it really shouldn't
"My name is Evelyn Grey. I was once a brilliant scientist. Now, I'm a brilliant dragon. Maybe I can find out what happened to humanity. Maybe I can find out who caused this. There are a lot of maybe's in the world right now. At the moment, I need to focus on survival. If I'm going to do that, I need to hunt."
(Spin off of Starscribe's story "The Last Pony On Earth" found here)
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When I read the title, I imagined a being that could only eat apexes.
Tips of mountains, toblerone, plants.
Other than that, an interesting start.
SOYLENT GAS IS PEOPLE!
Sorry, had to get that out of my system.
Off to a very interesting start!
Hm. Not bad.
Is Evelyn a Dude or what cause that's the vibe I'm picking up from what you've told us so far and I don't really wanna go back and check?
6161707 Yes Gray is male. The fact I fancasted him as George Clooney should point towards that.
6159885 well the term Apex Predator also refers to an adult species that has no natural predators and pretty much rules the territory.
6161967
i bet u think yer cool 4 bulling me feget
6161991 I am deeply wounded by these accusations
You are aiming the dragon as more anthro here then given the nature of moving and going by the sounds of it. The approach to the fuel does provide a good motivation too. Best of luck with this story.
6164529 Well the teenage dragons were pretty anthro, which is the age I'm aiming for with Grays transformation given how old dragons can be.
6164859 Thank you, i hadnt considered the rough height range too,
I think this story has great potential! I look forward to seeing how this character deals with the changes coming his way. But I have a few issues that could be addressed to make the characters a bit more 3d in future chapters.
Despite the fact that this, as yet unnamed woman, is a scientist she seems to think that the male gaze has diagnostic abilities to determine the viability of a biofuel by looking at it.
Silly woman. Don't worry, he sets her straight & shows her how to test the fuel that she helped design.
Hm. She calls him Doctor but he calls her Martha. As we find out later that they worked together to create this fuel generator and that they seem to be alone in the lab, it seems strange that she would refer to her peer as if he were her superior rather than her colleague.
I would be happy to chalk this up to standard workplace sexism, were it not that we later find out that they're husband and wife. Does she always refer to her husband as doctor, regardless of context? That's weird.
So, either he wasn't planning on testing the accelerator and decided, on an idle whim, to use his wife as target practice or the accelerator test was always planned and Martha brainlessly wandered into its path.
I'm doubting both the intelligence and non psychopathic tendencies of both our main characters right now. Also Martha doesn't care that he nearly maimed her.
Obviously neither of us our scientists, so writing convincing science talk is tough, but this explanation pulled my attention away from the story to marvel at its simplicity.
1.convert bio material into energy (somehow)
2.apply pressure
3.?????
4.Biofuel!
Perhaps this explanation could use a bit of Deus Ex Machina to explain how they managed this incredible feat?
Apparently Dr Gray considers Martha more a member of the public rather than a collaborator and wife, and he sends her home.
What's insane is haphazardly stealing an experimental technology and throwing one of the only people who understands it out of a window. I think an attempted kidnapping which, in the ensuing struggle, ended up with Gray getting pushed out the window would have made more sense here.
Why does Dr Gray and Alex get pictured cast but not Martha? She is presumably going to be his emotional motivation for a lot of this story so perhaps a picture for our hero to mope over couldn't hurt.
I'm not looking forward to this character realising that even if he finds Martha, he's going to outlive her by a large margin.
Stuffed? Did I miss something? He's been unconcious for a day and hasn't eaten a thing. Perhaps this is his lizard metabolism slowing down his digestion?
6168296 Yeah this first chapter could use some work. The reason for Martha calling him Doctor was because, originally, she was supposed to be a lab assistant. I didn't mean to leave that part in.
When it comes to Gray gunning the truck and almost hitting her, it's because the truck was pointed in her direction and the previous attempts haven't worked (another reason to add a dues ex) so Gray didn't anticipate that it would shoot forward.
As for the biofuel, the converter does something inside the machine but my technobabble isn't good enough to explain it.
As for Martha not being allowed to hear the conversation between Alexander and Gray, she's a science partner not a business partner. I'm going to make that clearer in the first chapter.
As for Alexander throwing Gray out the window, Gray is pretty close when he calls him a madman. He's really arrogant and egotistical. He believes he can figure out the machine easily.
Martha is getting pictured, I just need to get a good actress in mind. The fancasting isn't as important as the story so that's why I was willing to post without having one for her.
And the being stuffed part is indeed apart of his new biology. Adult dragons can sleep for at least a hundred years so I think their energy consumption is efficient.
Thank you for pointing these out. It allows me to edit each mistake to make the story as perfect as possible.
6168933 glad to help! I look forward to seeing more
I was wondering when we'd see a dragon. This is interesting so far. I await the next chapter.
This story has potential, but it feels incredibly rushed, Especially this chapter.
Also, Dr. Gray just woke up, and he already wants to sleep again?
I gave you an updoot. Now, give me an update!
6409515 sorry for the terrible wait between updates. First, Metal Gear Solid V comes out. And then my love of Ben 10 returned full force. And school is a thing. The next chapter shouldn't be too long.
6409515 Guess what updated.
6517086 *hype train intensifies*
6517086 also at this point I would suggest getting in contact with the other dragon story writer for this universe if you would like to avoid inconsistencies.
Their story is called "The Celtic Dragon"
6517473
Thanks for the advice. I'll do that.
6517473 After going through my Private Messages, I realized I already had.
Dragons are rare.
Greed effects size just like that Spike episode.
Gems are required food.
6517561 might want to check on the blue blood thing though, other than that I hopoe to see more this is a fantastic story.
I've never seen a diesel Uhaul truck before… and the two types of fuel definitely aren't interchangeable. If Gray found a diesel truck, he wouldn't be able to use gasoline.
Also, a silver hair in a rune circle? Might this be a Great and Powerful Search Party?
6519204 This is a world of magic and ponies. I'm taking a few liberties with science and engineering.
6519337 True, but it's a world that didn't have magic and ponies (and dragons!) until very recently. My point, really, is that it feels jarring/immersion-breaking for a setting that starts off as more or less identical to reality. But maybe it's just me.
As opposed to...what? Other people's thoughts?
I think you meant earbuds here. Although the image of a pegasus dancing around with pudding for ears is both surreal and adorable.
I think this was a missed opportunity for building her character a little. Grays been under her care and, as a nurse (or was she a doctor?) Shes used to getting things done and to people listening to her, she could have some plans about their next course of action. It feels like she has no agency/thoughts of her own and just goes along with what Gray wants because he's the main character and that's convenient. I'm not saying I think they should have an argument but a little friction between these two strangers who're suddenly going on a huge road trip would make it more interesting and make her character more real.
A little stilted here. Gray didn't get a description of his reaction, so it looks like he just marched out without acknowledging her answer.
I think you meant emaciated?
I feel like he's not having any reaction at all to how weird everything is. The city's empty, he's changed species & he has a bunch of new instincts about gold and violence. I know he's probably the type to cover up any emotional turmoil but it wouldn't take much to hint at the panic and confusion he must be feeling right now.
All in all, I think this is much better than the first chapter! However you seem to have a little trouble imagining your side characters as complexly as your main ones. If you work on that I think this story has good potential!
6519472
it's not just you, I don't even drive and I know that you have to find the right fuel for you vehicle. It's not science so much as its common knowledge.
6519527 Thank you so very much for your little review. As soon as I get home, I'm currently out on the town, I'll fix the errors right up. As for Stephanie, the next chapter is a big character chapter for her (including her reasoning for being so ready to follow Gray cross country )
6519472 No I completely understand where you're coming from. Diesel trucks are, usually, very large. Too large, unfortunately, for Gray to know how to operate. Worry not, that's the only real change from reality in this story. Besides all the magic and stuff.
6519810 A diesel semi rig would be too large for him, sure. But there are other diesel options. A large pickup truck, for example.
6519803 glad to hear a side characters gonna get some work! I look forward to it
Finding food for grey will probably be tough. Most collections of jewels probably don't come in high enough quantity to feed a dragon.
I'm not sure I understand her reasoning on dragging a coach across the country? I'm pretty sure that ponies are small enough to fit into the carseats, so...does she think New York doesn't have couches?
While I was born...
I think you meant that she perked her ears here as I'm not sure how one would go about perking their eyes!
Wow, lucky that Steph has expensive taste or he may have gone really wild!
I must say I'm warming up to this character now that I'm getting to know her!
I like how Grays lack of control is being highlighted again, he must be getting pretty stressed. The only real issue I have with this update is that its two large dumps of exposition where they sum up their lives. It would work better if it was broken up into a more natural conversation. If at all possible - Show, Don't Tell. EG it could have been highlighted how few ties she had to her home by Gray noticing how few personal possessions she had bought or her desperation for company could be shown in her demeanor towards him. It's more natural and it makes a more interesting conversation to read, as we pick up on what they aren't saying by their actions.
6531090 Thanks for both the review and the tip! Steph has a couch because pony sitting is more comfortable than pony-imitating-human sitting.
I'll make the changes when I get home from work. In 3 and a half hours.
6531492 Aha, the couch makes sense now. Joy!
Some interesting philosophy there. Makes sense in a way. And I'm sure this wasn't the kind of change of life Sokolov expected when he moved to America. Also; Greek, Mediterranean and Middle eastern myths
And an interesting scene to end the chapter on.
'A Wild Showmare Appears! Command?'
Bit random... but yeah, I guess that type of ego wouldn't mind that type of sacrifice to be the top-unicorn in a alternate dimension.
T_T Really? She's absolutely sure that because the paint was fresh, it was fresh?
6545711 whoa whoops. Meant to type 'wetness'
6545963
That's alright! Gave me some good laughs when I saw it.
a pyrotechnician meeting an actual dragon? Sokolov must be containing a lot of internal squeeing right now!
thats...disturbing advice. I can't put my finger on why though. Perhaps its that he seems to be suggesting that the ends justify the means and that he shouldn't hold back his destructive, fire-like tendencies? Or perhaps its the fact that he seems to literally worship fire if that speech and snazzy mural are anything to go by. Hmmm.
Good update, I like the cliffhanger! The only thing I realised hasn't been clarified is why Gray hasn't tried calling, texting or emailing his home yet. That'd be the first thing I'd try.
6566071 No human workers to upkeep radio towers or internet servers.
6566625
He could still try to find a satellite phone like the one Joseph set up. Gray's a smart guy, I'm sure he'd want to at least give that a go.
6567035 Setting up a satellite tower takes time, time Gray isn't willing to spend. Besides, he knows his wife doesn't own a satellite phone and she doesn't have the know how to get one working. She's a biologist.
6567409 Satellite phones seem to be pretty much 'plug and play' these days, I'm sure that, given that she's smart and had two weeks to peruse the user guide she could have handled it...except then they wouldn't know each others numbers. hm. Never mind!
Uuhhhh... hate to break it too you, but the sun is NOT actually made out of fire!!! It is simply performing continuous atomic Fusion! WHICH IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THAN BURNING!!!
It's a NUCLEAR REACTION, rather than combustion!
The Minotaur obviously didn't pass high school!
I wish you would continue :(