• Member Since 7th Feb, 2015
  • offline last seen 33 minutes ago

Krickis


I’m like a literary siren, feeding off the negative emotions of fictional characters. Patreon | Ko-fi

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Being a princess means always worrying what everypony thinks about you. So when Twilight overhears a private conversation, she has to come to terms with how she feels about herself, love, and a certain somepony, all while weighing her public image against her personal desires.


A story set in the Who We Become series.

Who We Become is a realistic romantic drama series focussing on queer characters. People sensitive to queer issues should take caution before reading.


Content warning: The non-con tag is for discussion about an event that happened before the story takes place, and is not depicted graphically. The sex tag is for consensual sex.

Thanks to ArchAngelsWings and Eddie Grammar for editing :twilightsmile:
Cover art by DJMoonRay

Chapters (19)
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Comments ( 436 )

"saddle bad", "starring", "onu"... so many typos.

But it seems a good start.

i will track the story and will read after yoz have finished it ^^ i am so excited :D

5991821

Yeah, that's my bad :twilightsheepish: I should have a proof reader for future chapters though, so hopefully that should be fixed.


5992149

Thank you :twilightsmile: I'm hopeful it won't take too long to write the rest.

Well handled by rairity.

is this the end or will there be more?

5994665
I imagine Rarity gets asked out a lot, so she'd be pretty cool with it.


5994811
There's more to come, probably on a couple days. There will probably be something like 6-8 chapters.

5995731 cool X3 sorry i had to ask as that is a good ending X3

This story has the same problem I have with every other TwiShy story I have ever read: it makes me stop reading halfway through a chapter so I can smile broadly, hold my cheeks, and squee unintelligibly about how cute it is. And we haven't even gotten to the good parts yet.

5995869
I thought that when I was writing it, glad I wasn't the only one. Kinda funny since I'm actually awful at endings when I'm actually trying to write one :rainbowhuh:


5997242
Reading you comment at first I was all :fluttercry: but then I was like :pinkiehappy:

I do hope I can write the cute parts passably. I've never actually written anything cute before and it's such an adorable ship :twilightsheepish:

Huh, that was surprisingly non-drama filled. Rarity handled it quite well, and I'm sure Fluttershy will go home and cry a bit over her lost love, but well, it could have turned out alot worse for her. Wrapped up in a nice way. Glad its not over, though these first two chapters are more of a prequel for the main story of potential Fluttershy and Twilight, I think.

5997682
You'll probably end up being right about these early chapters being a more or less a prequel to the main story. My goal is to incorporate them in a more meaningful way, but since I want to avoid a traditional love triangle story it's kind of a thin line. It'll all come down to my skill as a writer, and while I don't think I'm a bad writer I definitely have a lot to learn.

5997587 well i can tell you, your better then me X3

i started reading this because i thought it was a Twi x Shy X3

The End... No? oh there is more OK. That would have been a good ending but oh well, let's keep reading. :pinkiehappy:
~Tobben

Applejack needs some tact. There is honesty and then theres pointlessly insulting a friend.

6015262
The idea was that Applejack was trying to not say any l anything about it, but Twilight kept pressing her for an answer and being bad at lying she just said what was on her mind. Reading that scene back back now though and I agree, it more so comes off as AJ being a bitch :twilightoops:

Pacing is one of the things I'm trying to work on and I think I dropped the ball there. :applejackunsure: Oh well, if I try to go back and change everything I have a problem with I'll never finish this story. Onwards to hopefully better chapters where I learn from past mistakes :yay:

6017489 Ah yeah i can see that playing out. Twi wants the reassurance of her friends and Aj avoiding the question is just goona make her try harder to get it, what with how she convinced herself earlier that Aj would be fine with it.

With how it happened in the story through it could be used for futher discussion in their friend group. Rd has a bone to pick and fluttershybif she hears about it will likely avoid Aj like the plague. Prompting Aj to respond however you like. Perhaps she talks to rairity or pinkie pie.

Then again that might be bloat in a story centered on twi.

Good luck with your writting, I've really enjoyed them.

6017930
Thanks for the suggestions, I already had a plan for Applejack but to be honest I like your idea of having her talk it out with the others better. I've actually spent the last few hours weighing pros and cons with my editor, likely much to her annoyance. :twilightblush:

The problem is of course like you said making it fit without taking the focus off Twilight or Fluttershy. I thought thought making Rainbow a POV character since she seems to be stealing the show in my opinion anyway, but decided against it since it would feel weird having her POV for only one chapter. In the end I think I have a pretty good idea on what to do next. :raritywink:

Glad you're enjoying it so far :twilightsmile:

Got a good vibe comming from it, with a little practice I can see you hogging the featureboard before anyone realises it.
You've got a pleasant writingstyle and the only thing I wish to impart on you is the following:

Slow down, its writing not racing. The story is moving a bit to fast for my liking, to many things happening at the same time and such.
But other then that, keep up the good work.

6029778
Thank you for the kind words and especially for the feedback. I agree completely, pacing is probably my biggest problem right now. For future chapters I'm going to do what I should have done all along, spend more time editing. Normally I'll write, edit, and post a chapter in quick succession, because I'm impatient. But after a day or two I'll read it back and wonder what I was thinking. So from now on I'll make editing a multi day process so I can give myself some space from the actual writing to better see what needs to be done.

You seem to have a very good at characterization, every pony is very recognizable. Individual scenes do seem a bit rushed with occasionally unclear transitions, but not a major distraction from the story. I like the inclusion of material from the comics, but I find the inclusion of Sunset via the journal a bit odd. As much as I like Sunset Im not sure her role couldnt be better served by another character.

Keep up the good work!

6043214
I've actually been pretty worried about characterizations so I'm glad to hear you think I'm doing a good job with them. :twilightsmile:

I completely agree I've been really bad with transitions. I honestly don't even know why I'm having so much trouble with them, but it's something I'm trying to improve during my newly extended editing strategy. The next chapter's actually written, but I'm taking my time to try and really iron out the flaws. Hopefully it'll pay off. :yay:

I was wondering if anyone would point out the Sunset thing. You're definitely right that she isn't actually necessary to the story as of now, but I included her for a couple of reasons. Most importantly is that I have plans for her down the road (granted, it's pretty far down the road) and wanted to include her early so it didn't feel like I was just haphazardly tossing her into the story later. I also included her because it's a close parallel to online friends. A major motivating factor for me to write this is that I wanted to tell a story with a big focus on homosexuality, and back when I was going through the whole self discovery thing it was just easier to talk to people on MySpace (Ha! MySpace :rainbowlaugh:) about those issues because they weren't people I'd see day to day, so the fear of judgement was lessened. Most people I know came out online first, I think that's probably the norm these days. Granted, I probably could have done a (much) better job drawing that parallel. I'll fix that if I ever go through and re-edit the early chapters.

I would not worry so much over the phasing, while it is a tad fast it's ok for you'r first story (gods know i did worse:twilightblush:)
The interactions is quite cute and it dose make me smile from time to time.
A tip that i learned while editing my story's is to read out loud, it helps you to find errors better then you'd think.
So far it's a good story so just keep it up and i'll keep reading, while also jotting down notes for my own inspiration. :twilightsheepish:
~Tobben

6045202
Thank you for the suggestion, I'll definitely try reading out loud next time. :twilightsmile: And I'm not actually stressing my problems as an author, but identifying them will help me get better.

Also I realized I didn't reply to your comments from previous chapters. :applejackconfused: I'm sorry about that, I do try to reply to every comment, and thought I replied to yours. I definitely read and appreciated then though! :pinkiehappy:

Fun chapter with cute ponies. I dont really have a clear idea of why Twilight likes Fluttershy yet, though that could just be me. I liked how Fluttershy asked Twilight out. Without establishing any pre-existing attraction it makes Fluttershy seem slightly desperate, which is an unusual direction. Considering how many shipfics there are out there uncommon setups are welcome.

6045463
You know I didn't realize Twilight hasn't said why she likes Fluttershy. :applejackunsure: Total oversight on my part. I should have addressed it already but having failed I'll address it next chapter. There's no big reason or anything, I just think they have very compatible personalities so it felt natural to me.

I'm so happy you like the approach to Fluttershy. One of my main reasons for writing this story was to try and do something different with a shipfic. I'm kinda tired of the whole 'two characters secretly love each other but are afraid to say it' trope. But I've been thinking it probably wasn't coming through as well as I thought it would. In general I'm always afraid I'm failing at the subtler aspects of the story. :twilightblush:

6080112
About to start the outline for Act 2 now. If all goes well with that I'll have more in maybe a week, but probably more like two :twilightsheepish:.

Glad you're enjoying it so far :twilightsmile:

I liked this chapter, really cute.
I also enjoyed the part of Mystery Mare.

I would like to see a bit of Sunset and the other Fluttershy :pinkiehappy:

6080278
Thank you :twilightsmile:. I'm glad to hear you like Mystery Mare's appearance. Once I thought of how much fun it would be for Cheerilee's students to see her beat a professional wrestler I just had to write it.

There will definitely be more of Sunset. She's actually going to become a big character in the sequel Shh I didn't say that out loud :raritywink:. As for the other Fluttershy, she'll probably get mentioned but she won't be playing a large role. Kinda played around with the idea of her and Sunset dating but decided against it because the only reason I wanted to do it was it amused me, not because it would benefit the story in any way :applejackunsure:.

6080202 By the way you profile pic is awesome!

That was soo cute!
First act done you say, well let me tell you you are doing a very good job so far.
I'll be here waiting for act 2 to start, i wish you all the luck on that.
~Tobben

6083338
Thank you, I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the cuteness :pinkiehappy:

I'm pretty excited about some of the stuff coming up, and about actually having a full outline for the rest of the story :yay:

You’re princess demands cuddles.”

Besides, even if they are somehow disappointed how is that you’re fault?

Your

Good chapter, really cute that first part.

6100222
Thanks I'll fix that as soon as I get home.

And I'm glad you liked it!

Is fluttershy having what seems to be a abusive father really necessary? On top of the rest?
If its parent drama needed wouldn't a homophobic parent work just as well?

Poor fluttershy

6101225
Even in the show Fluttershy displays characteristics of having an abusive home life; not just her personality. but the song “So Many Wonders” in which she finally decides to ditch her home life for life on the ground. Sure, it's presented in a happy way, but why would she just up and leave home as a filly if she had been living in any kind of a positive situation? Now, I'm not saying canon would ever go down this path, but based on what's in the show and my personal life experiences with how people from abusive families behave, abusive parent was the logical conclusion for me.

Poor Fluttershy indeed :fluttercry:.

6101414 huh, Alright then, that's a viable interpretation of Fluttershy.

I'm glad its not just thrown in for drama's sake, I've seen so many stories where people just throw in rather horrific back stories like child abuse/parents murdered in front of their eyes etc etc to try to invoke sympathy for a character in a couple of lines.

I wonder how much effect its going to have in this story, people respond to trauma in so many different ways. Which when I think about it, don't always follow logical paths.

6101940
I've read a few stories like that. They tend to come off as kind of emo to me and are the exact reason I don't want to put a dark tag in this story. I'd like to believe I'll do better, but I suppose time will tell. If it ever feels like anything's just drama for the hell of it let me know. The goal is to always relate things back to the romance in meaningful ways, not to mess with characters unnecessarily. Which I may well mess up since I think this whole story is a bit outside of my skill as an author, but if I don't push myself I'll never get better :twilightsheepish:.

6102017 Ah yeah I know what you mean!

I'm sure if anything stands out us readers should be able to point it out to ya!

Best of luck with this story!

“I do not squeal.” Cadance crossed her arms.

“Hmmph.” Cadance crossed her arms

“Hey, I do too wear them.” Twilight crossed her arms

Hoof, or maybe i'm wrong, it's just to me arm sounds wrong in equestria.
This was very Hart warming [Very clever] and sweet
Keep it up lad and i'll keep reading.
~Tobben

6130075
I didn't realize there was so much arm crossing in this chapter :applejackconfused:

I agree though, it does seem weird. I've been going back and forth between arms and forelegs. Initially I thought hooves sounded better until I realized that would be the equivalent of saying somebody crossed their hands. Forelegs looks weird to me too for some reason. I wound up using arms because it's technically accurate to refer to a horses forelegs as arms, but I definitely favor having the text look right over having it be accurate, so I may well change it later.

so cute :twilightsmile: it reminds me of a TwiShy story i've allredy read but i forgot wich one it was :twilightsheepish: just too much twishy ^^. Anyway keep the good work up i wonder what happens next :D

6130105
Too much Twishy? I've never heard such foolishness :trixieshiftleft:

Glad your enjoying it, next chapter is something I've been looking forward too, should be fun :raritywink:

6130111
:facehoof: to me. I wrote it wrong what i acctualy mean was that i've read too much twishy to remeber the name of the story :D I can't have enough TwiShy :heart: theyr just to cute together :twilightsmile::yay:

6130128
Was it perhaps Beauty, Books, and Butterflies? I feel like my story has been unintentionally similar to that one, and it had a whole scene where they meet Twilight's parents. Might have even been during Hearth's Warming come to think about it :derpyderp2:

Incidently, if you haven't read that one I definitely recommend it :twilightsmile:

6130157
...:pinkiegasp: OF COURS I HAVE READ THAT ONE HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT I DIDN'T READ THAT :twilightangry2: ... (<-- don't take that serious) yeah now that you mention it... that's the story ^^
PS: it's the second place under my top 10 ^^

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