• Member Since 23rd Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Saris Daddy


Romani ite domum

T
Source

The Day was long and Bon Bon had just closed up her small sweet shop.
Lyra was relaxing on the small couch in the living room.
as Bon Bon entered the living room she placed herself next to her marefriend.
"hard day?" asked Lyra with a bemused smirk on her face.
"You have no idea" answered Bon Bon. with a deep sigh of delight she started to snuggle against Lyras chest.
"could you tell me a story, Lyly?" she asked with big fillyeyes.



Edited By Flutterbrony539

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 11 )

I can already tell im going to love this

I usually don't read Lyra and bon bon fics that I enjoy so for you to accomplish that feat is astounding so you my good ma'am/sir dusurve a scootaloo:scootangel:

SO FREAKING CUTE.

I'm really sorry I took so long to get to this. :twilightsheepish:

Anyway, as far as my thoughts, I'm afraid that I'm not a huge fan of this. it just doesn't really jive with me. Your method of formatting is awkward, in my opinion, due to the new line for every sentence, plus lots of grammar errors, such as lack of commas in addresses. The sudden shifts between the story and Lyra/BonBon can be jarring as well. I'd personally advise either tidying up the formatting or using a different system, but to each his own.

As far as the plot goes, again, wasn't my favorite. It felt far too rushed, which wasn't helped by the aforementioned jarring formatting. Too much happened in the eighteen pages, with too little introduction to the characters, for me to really care about what was going on for them. The proposal, all the stuff going, felt too fast for what the amount of time involved. :applejackunsure:

Sorry I didn't have much positive to say, especially seeing how helpful you were with Aileron feedback. Really, really sorry about that. :pinkiesad2:

7617454 it's ok :ajsleepy:

I'll be honest I started this story to experiment a little with the fimfiction formating mechanics also for the grammar errors and missing kommas I would like you to please send them to me via pm so I can fix this.
I speak english only as my second language:twilightblush: so please help me learn :twilightsheepish:

This is really good. Interesting idea to have the story be a recollection and the pacing feels perfect for two people reminiscing

I LOVE THIS!! You litteraly have no idea what a breathe of fresh air this fic is for me!!! Thank you for writing such a wonderful piece and please continue to write amazing stories like this one!!!

Needs "Sex" Tag. Other than that, it was okay. I was just not expecting that much transparent innuendo.

Signing out, VShuffler42

8870938
Thank you for your input. I added the sex tag like you proposed.

This was brilliant and the background shipping was a great surprise.

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