- Member Since 20th May, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 29th, 2018
Chelis
Writer/Admin/Title VII requirement for Horse News; humanized/equestria girls fanfic writer. Pardon my grit
Chelis
Joined 20th May, 2012 ·
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keep updating ur stories
uws.edu.au/__data/assets/image/0016/415402/Its_Time_badge.jpg
Let's see here...
Clickbait picture... mature-sex... 4/7 ratio? Wow, I haven't seen something this hated on since I last browsed Chatoyance's stories. A quick browse through your stories shows little rhyme or reason for this to be downvoted, of all things, as this seems fairly well-written to begin with. I must read it to find out if it's really as bad as the thumbs say.
Ah, boy. That means I'm reading a clopfic, aren't I?
Wot, is it because it's OC x Twilight Sparkle? The similar clopfics that FIMFiction is suggesting don't seem nearly as poorly received. That can't be it.
So we've established he's something of an everyman--the basest of males. Harambee for in-story character development.
Maybe trying a bit too hard on the joke, but it did bring a smile to my face.
It's a little contrived, but considering the clickbait picture and the fact that the description contains... hmm, it looks like only two errors, I find no reason to see anything but good tidings from this.
And if you manage to write this convincingly enough, I'll even consider a human clopfic good, despite my biases against both.
If nothing else, at least I do what I can to judge fairly.
All right, I'm convinced. He's not a pervert.
FUCKING CHRIST
My body was not prepared for this in the first paragraph. About 200 words in and we've achieved liftoff. This story ain't fuckin' around.
Maybe it's weird, but I really dig the little stuff like this. It's the best kind of worldbuilding, giving you great information that's most likely inconsequential, but still immerses you. Pair this with the incredibly small number of grammatical issues (either you're an amazing self-editor or your editor is amazing), and you're head and shoulders above the average story-writer.
But there has to be a reason for the downvotes. There has to be.
Hmm.
lh6.googleusercontent.com/-6rusWlOy7rY/VSrSIfYW4nI/AAAAAAAAE1k/LqdyIggVagI/w600-h479-no/GND_Press6-crop-RR.png
Does God really exist in this universe? As odd as it sounds, it takes me out of the immersion to read this. Saying "Celestia knows where" in a human fic establishes Equestrian rulers, geography, mentality, etc.--but human. I doubt that this is an exploration of existentialism, but things like this are one of my primary gripes with anything involving hoomins. Makes it too easy to forget we're writing about pones and not about us.
If this is just our world plus Twilight Sparkle, then fie on you for your lack of imagination.
lh5.googleusercontent.com/-NhfCh8UjX04/VL77Jt_tmXI/AAAAAAAADdw/_tZMEKXTUto/w630-h354-no/mpveEF2.gif
So he's smart. I guess that would be somewhat necessary to get with Twilight. Huh... I have to admit, I like this. It's not a self-insert, but not Flash Sentry-grade mismatch either. It's believable without being too obvious.
Just as I suspected!
lh3.googleusercontent.com/-KOJ1oQbJFL8/VKNOHV4wT7I/AAAAAAAADOw/z2-vihm6jRo/w1153-h865-no/20141230_171458.jpg
It's Equestrian geography, but you already dropped the big G-word. This, dear author, is my bias at work.
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
I hope you saw it.
You know what this is attesting to again. It's Equestria, but with humans, so no God here.
Missing a quote here.
That partially explains the long description. Guess that annoying joke could get caught in someone's head.
lh5.googleusercontent.com/-c4meo-vbgVU/VUUIzDyybaI/AAAAAAAAFHc/W_w_pWVPUZY/w1030-h469-no/Story%2BQuote.PNG
Wat dis
Wat dis doin' here
Am I supposed to listen to it
Do I lose part of the story if I don't
I'm ignoring it
Hmm... this is a difficult thing to discern. In the Equestria Girls universe, there were computers, but Celestia was only a principal, not a ruler. You established the existence of God, which would imply that this is our world, but then you say Celestia is ruler. So, you've established this as a time-jumped Equestria that has retained its diarchic rulers but has also introduced a Christian deity and modern technology. It's partial Equestria Girls, partial humanized MLP, and partial our world.
Not saying that that's flawed just yet, but you're stretching your consistency awfully thin.
Aww, that's all we've got so far? sad day.
For what it's worth, this is probably one of the most well-written clopfics that I've read. Definitely doesn't deserve the ratio it's got, considering what I typically see in the featurebox. I upvoted and favorited, and may end up reading future installments of this if the mood takes me. I know you've got plenty of other *ahem* quality literature, but this isn't my cuppa tea to begin with, so just continue writing this and there won't be any trouble.
Overall score: 9/10. Intriguing and original enough story, well-written characters and backgrounds, and near-perfect English. The only ding is on your indecision as to which universe this takes place in. Fix that and it's about the best you could possibly make it without forcing me to be a proofreader in your smut-writing.
Let's see, how about another decently written Twilight Sparkle clopfic...
lh4.googleusercontent.com/-qJnFOPc-WQw/VUT_X-AhpII/AAAAAAAAFGo/SHD1sRQqumw/w360-h209-no/Human%2Bgenerosity.PNG
Nope.
lh3.googleusercontent.com/-7UUjXR8rgoY/VUUFyc2HdTI/AAAAAAAAFHA/Y8TeT750T8E/w355-h242-no/My%2BLittle%2BPony%2BFinding%2BLove.PNG
Is... is it petty to say nope because they misspelled Equestria and challenges in their freaking short description?
lh3.googleusercontent.com/2sbfhkFeOEKkTIsE7pKg9WKorh0aXCs9e4lOaTQrNvc=w355-h452-no
Ugh, never mind. I'll stick with the well-written and surpringly poorly received story that I liked.
Random funny picture.
lh4.googleusercontent.com/-Fj55dhnIvzk/VUPz32bJGJI/AAAAAAAAFFQ/i-MhwzXTeOk/w487-h375-no/big-anus.jpg
I like it so far
looking forward to the next chapter
5932059
Your tongue in cheek review has lead me to mark this for further reading (aside from me already being a fan of Chelis' work) I wish more people would review/comment like you
5932176
Thank you for the feedback.
Well, I'm glad someone likes my reviews.
5932176
4.bp.blogspot.com/-epSaMGb-dzc/UupnXbs0I9I/AAAAAAAACWE/poZP5OTkz10/s1600/im-so-frickin-sorry.gif
5932214
You can atone by finishing "the girls" with a chapter longer than a thousand words... These micro chapters are torture... :p
I hope I'm not the only one hoping Bubbly gets with Slate Mind by the end of this.
This is really really good, please keep it up.
Homeboy Mike Trout
Ooooh shit, he hit her tits it's about to get serious
Great chapter, love the cliffhanger, makes me want to keep checking back in for the next one.
Neat
stayclassy
I like where this is going.
This, along with the music at the end, seems like the beginning of a summer movie. It has intrigued me. You have my permission to continue.
You should write these chapters faster. I still like this story.
The song seems sitting for this actually!
6243695 I'm pretty sure that is the central theme here.
i like it
stayclassy
Now we're getting somewhere
I'm late on the reading of the chapter, apparently, but just letting you know I'm still alive and enjoying your story.
I was getting into it and then say letsread thenext chap!! I search the button and there oa none.....
Fuck!!!!!!!
I dont want to waitt
Nice chapter. Love the mention of an orgy.
So short... I hope this means we get another chapter sooner.
I read the new chapter this morning, and I've been stewing on it.
For some reason, I can't get the events out of my head. I've been thinking about them pretty frequently throughout the day.
What have you done to me.
6789854
Its still alive though
Where's the next chapter
7047654
Na its still alive, got caught up in real life n shit. In fact was working on it last night
i like it
stayclassy
Nice to see this continued.
7186118 I couldn't agree with you more.
Oh shit!!! Now they both fucked up.
A forced marriage is not going to help them in the slidest but it sure as he'll is going to be hilarious!
7186493 Ever watched that movie where a dude end up winnong the big prize but coildnt claim it because he married a girl and then the court forced and legalized the marriage? I think this will plauout the same.
Cant remeber the movie name tho.
7187523
7186493
It's not a offical marriage, they are just being forced to be partners for the camp
Did I really make it sound like as if I thought they were really getting married?
7189606
A little bit
So he's actually trying to be her friend rather than fight the situation. It ain't going to help though she's as stubborn as a mule.
Yes a new chapter up! I half expected for them to be flung offor the ship but that ending was still satisfying. Keep up the good work.
Ooooooh damn. Prepare the bitch slap.
Fortunately, humans are not preferred prey for great white sharks, though getting out of the water would still be a good idea since you would not want to push your luck. As long as Twilight does not resemble the shark's natural prey such as a sea lion (among other sea animals) or do anything that the shark would perceive as confrontational, she should have a decent chance of making through the situation unharmed.
Then again, if Twilight's intercom eventually stopped working after she collided with the coral, or if she was simply too caught up in her work to register the warning to get out of the water, Twilight could get caught off guard and unwittingly do something to set the shark off.
*sigh*.....cue the music
Good, we're finally getting to the part where they start to care about each other.