GuyverIV87
Joined 16th Nov, 2014 ·
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Threesome in the next installment!
I love the passion you show, nice story, there has GOT to be a Threesome ^^
It's alive! *maniacal laugh* Yessss, time to read! (already faved and updated because I know this gonna be good :3)
Edit:
Man, that's was so much good for a first fanfic. Just...
i.imgur.com/PBV4xRG.jpg
Oh my...
rs2img.memecdn.com/churches-make-me-horny_o_1775453.jpg
This story has some of the most atrocious grammar and spelling mistakes I have ever seen. If English is NOT your first language, then please abandon trying to learn English. Its not worth it. English is a bitch of a language for non-native speakers and some people just aren't the type that can wrap their heads around its stupid rules and clauses and exceptions and ugh. English is a stupid language.
If English IS your first language then I suggest avoiding anything that involves letters for the rest of your life. It was so bad that I copied the story into a Google Doc so I could correct them as I read.
I had to change almost EVERY SENTENCE.
I thought it would take me maybe half an hour when I started.
It took me nearly four.
I have wasted four hours of my life proofreading your story.
This is what I made. This is your story with almost perfect grammar and spelling.
You're welcome.
5586196 Sooooo you don't like the story or.....
In all seriousness, thank you so much for doing this. Looking back it now, grammar was one of my biggest problems growing up. Although I am positive that my spelling is fine and I spell checked to make sure, so you may have to elaborate.
5587125 Well the problem with spell check is that it doesn't correct you if your mistake was also a real word, but not the one you meant to use. This happened A LOT in the original draft. So you spelled a word correctly, just not the word you wanted.
I suggest reading your version and mine side by side if you want to write in English in the future. I'm not perfect either but it's still a massive improvement that you could probably learn a lot from.
5587258 Ah, I see.
Thank you again for your input, I'll keep that in mind in the future.
What about the story, did you like it?
I just had to say it, this got a mighty chuckle out of me.
things that bothered me:
you used the "tidal wave" thing one too many times (well, you used it two times, but still. if you repeat stuff like that things start feeling monotonous)
the grammar. you used words here and there that were incorrect. quick example:
I think it should be gaze.
things that i liked:
Everything else. Sunset making fun of the punks? man, though girl Sunset is best Sunset.
So, good story. though you should work on the things shrederman and I pointed out. You can't really get much into a story if while reading it you're thinking "that last sentence wasn't spelled right".
5587263 Well I liked the premise obviously since I clicked on it. The idea that Trixie is so jealous of Twilight's new girlfriend that she secretly stalks them on their dates and watches them have sex makes me giggle. The actual events of the story were fine too, just poorly written down. I mean, any story were Sunset Shimmer beats gang members into a pulp can't be all bad. I also saw you had a few really funny descriptions and one liners, or at least I saw what you were trying to do. I tried to preserve those bits as best I could in the revision, but the wording was so clunky in a lot of them. Regardless, I could tell that you're probably quite the writer in your native tongue. Twilight's new-found aggressiveness was an interesting choice, but I not a bad one.
The porn part was nice too, despite the grammar.
Up until the end.
I'm sorry, but you need to study female sex organs before you write any more porn. Firstly, squirting is far from common, especially in the amounts you described. More importantly, Sunset Shimmer pelvic thrusting into Twilight Sparkle's butt would not please either of them. In fact it would probably hurt after a while.
Unless Sunset grew a penis but that's an entirely different story.
5587971 Well at least you were entertained for the most part and in the end that's all I wanted to do.
As for my native tongue. Ugh, don't even get me started on that. Let's just say I had a LOT of difficulties growing up.
Despite that, I really tried my best with the grammar, I guest it wasn't enough. That clunky spell check didn't help matters either.
Looking back on it, I feel the sex scene is the one thing I actually regret writing, the last part anyway.
And I know about female sex organs, I just didn't feel comfortable writing certain terms. I dunno I guess I'm not meant to write erocticas.
Which is too bad because people are asking for a sequel.
PS. The whole pelvic thrust was last a minute thing and was the hardest to write.
5587964 Thank you for your input, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I try my best to avoid repetition.
I will try to take yours and Shrederman38's word to heart.
5587964 Honey, you ain't seen nothin yet. Here's the original version with every error intact.
5588283
So, you'll continue writing?
May I suggest you write smaller fics (one shots or stuff like that) as to gain more experience?
gain experience, I sound like a video game...
5588521 People have been asking for a sequel.
5588556
SEQUEL?
YES, GOOD IDEA! A SEQUEL IS. A GOOD IDEA INDEED.
0)_(0
So, we are going to see Sunset saying somethig like ''Eh Trixie, look how I made of Twilight my personal Slut while you can't do anything about it'' (?)
We FINALLY are having a NTR FiM Fic? :D yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
The premise is BRUTALLY good, but I must agree, some parts needs better writing...
Well done dud :D
5601077 I'm a Suntwixie shipper. I'm more surprised that this kind of story hasn't been done before.
Though thank you for enjoying It.
5602117 TwiLestia, TwiXie, SunLight and TwiSalis...
My shippings xD, and bro, I'm gonna wait with excitement that sequel :3
5586196 There are better ways to leave constructive criticism that don't involve unnecessary insults.
5605618 It's alright, really.
I anticipated something like this. And he was kind enough to edit my work.
But thank you for your concern.
BTW what did you think of the story?
5606599 I have a feeling he didn't do that with charitable intentions, but okay.
It was okay; it kinda made me feel bad for trixie because I know how its like to be in the back seat of someones relationship with someone else.
A lot of the grammar needs some improvement and some of the things that take place in the sex scenes seem too... Extreme for what usually passes for a sexual encounter.
5608999 LOL I am well aware of that, I can assure you.
This idea came obviously due to the lack of Suntwixie love triangles.
As I said in a previous comment, the sex scene is the one thing I regret writing, aside from the poor grammar. The idea was to emphasize the passion between Twilight and Sunset, by making Twilight a little more assertive.
What was going trough my head at the last scene:
Sunset: Surprise Motherfcker!
5617271 A lot, actually.
Like, How I'm going to end this goddamned fic?
Either Trixie's about to get invited into one of the best threesomes in the fandom, or Sunset just pulled the classic "watch us screw like rabbits so you realize that she's mine, bitch".
5793630 That depends on whether or not I decide to make a sequel.
1732508
I enjoyed it. Trixie's recognition of the closeness between Sunset and Twilight and her first attempt at stopping herself from following (she couldn't really help that she got surprised...) keep her from coming off as creepy stalker (making her a nice stalker, I suppose?). And I like that, while Twilight isn't exactly submissive, Sunset Shimmer still has the take-charge attitude that I think suits her now that her confidence has returned post-RR. Newfound compassion + old self-assurance = awesomesauce.
I enjoyed the stroy. The senario with the 3 male bullies was...kinda cliche but I know why you did it. Our dearist Sunny and Twilycorn are an adorable pair, but I think I grew most attached to Trixie in this scene. Perhaps it was the sympathy, perhaps it's because it's from her point of view, but either way I though this was a good story.
Pretty damn good, all things considered.
Very nice setup and the act itself was... Hot, simply put.
Probably one of the better ShimmerSparkle clopfics around.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Wow. That was a great story.
I DEMAND MORE!
*SMASHES KEYBOARD*
fcrg glt
6425015 I might consider it.
SEQUEL PLEASE Q_Q Q_Q
I know we did.
amazing story, smiled the whole way through...Suggestion for the next one...Sunset & Adagio & Twilight...Like basically the same thing happens here but Adagio interrupts and demands to join cause she wants Sunset for herself and thus starts a "battle" with Twilight to see who can make Sunset climax the most and vise versa
6967356 I agree with you, but which Twilight in particular? How about one with Sunset, Sci-Twi, Adagio, and Princess Twilight? You know, like where Sunset and Princess Twilight are dating but when Princess Twilight leaves, Sunset dates Sci-Twi and did the same thing with her, and Adagio, of course, bursts in. (Plot twist: Princess Twilight returns to see Adagio and her counterpart battle for Sunset. Instead of breaking the two up, she joins in)
7327109
I like the way you think!
6681048
And now re-reading this makes me want to out there were a fic like this one, but with Sci-Twi instead of the Pony Princess (she already have Celestia)
Been awhile, but I always wondered how this story would continue, is Sunset just mocking Trixie, flaunting the girl Trixie wants but can't have? Or does Sunset want to find a way that all three of them can be happy? I never really knew what way it would go by the end, but I was rooting for Trixie, as usual.
This was good but really sad too I've been where she is it sucks to pine for someone and see them with another still hot though