The Kirin an ancient hybrid race that are few in number and their number only diminished more since the end of Discords reign causing the families of Kirin's he created to flee deeper in a still chaos corrupted patch of forest where they learned to fight and tap into their magics They had learned to thrive as they almost hit extinction. But after Tireks Rampage the natural balance of void and normal magic was thrown of causing that forest to spread prompting these last few Kirin to explore.
My first story criticism is welcome
Chapters (40)
Please spell check your chapters. It helps people read the story easier.
- Capitalize your story title and your chapter titles properly.
- Learn what a run-on sentence is and get rid of the one in your description.
- Learn how to use an apostrophe; your description has two where they don't belong and is missing one where it does belong.
- Learn how to punctuate properly; you're missing several commas in your description.
- You could probably use a hyphen in that multi-word modifer as well.
- Re-read your own description and look for errors in word use; that might help you avoid errors like where you used "of" instead of "off".
The bad news is that the front page of the story is enough of a mess that I'm not going to read the story. The good news is that since I haven't read it, I won't be downvoting it.
I like the idea, but the grammar could use a lot of work. If you want, I could try to get some of those errors for you. I am not really an editor, but i know enough to make it more legible (i think i spelled that correctly, but it looks weird). I am also a new writer, but I could definitely help improve it. Just message me if you're interested.
I'd go with water or ice. Seems kinda fitting for someone who defies the laws of physics to have an affinity for a flexible element.
5901615 but wouldn't also work shadow with that logic
5901897 yeah, well pinkie is supposed to be happy-go-lucky. I think shadow may contradict that, unless your planning to go for psycho-Pinkie, in which case shadow might work. But if she is retain her bubbly persona, id go with water. But hey, its your story; tell it how you see fit.
5902914 good point
Do they have hands? They're ponies. Or are they somewhat humanized?
5985001 dude its anthro so yeah they have hands or claws depending on how much dragon is in their blood
5985305 good point. Should have known. In that case:
Twilight: Staff
Rarity: Rapier or scythe (due to relation to Death)
Rainbow Dash: Daggers (one shaped like a lightning bolt, other like a cloud) or katana
Fluttershy: Bow or extendable whip
Applejack: Hammer or gauntlets; she also needs to have a revolver or two
Pinkie Pie: Hammer or morningstar (should not be the same as AJ)
5985335 dude your solving all my problems but I'm not sure about Fluttershy and Twilight if you figured out the bonds you know why.
5985359 please clarify
5985365 OK think back to what Dramize said about Ashenvail, and Fluttershy's temporary personality change during the last chapter also theirs a big hint to the bonds as well in the chapters where they were getting the kirin together.
5985390 true. Okay, what of Rarity with a rapier, Twilight with the scythe, and Fluttershy with a spiked whip,p or chain sword, like Ivy's from Soul Calibur.
5986676 That could work.
Wow. Took a while, but there's a new chapter. Nicely done.
6170470 yea I was working that came to me
Flutter and Hunt... and Fluttershy has scimitars... okay. I think I can roll with this. And if by nerf, you mean weaken, let's talk in the PM. I may be able to help with the OP problem.
6259935 all right
By decipher, you mean what exactly?
6306096 Can you fully understand what the queen is saying?
6306100 "You have entered my hidden castle. What brings you here?"
"Let us toast to our alliance, in early celebration of the advantages it will bring. We will take all for ourselves for those who will go through with it."
Something like that...
6306414 the first line is right and your close on the second.
6307101 Okay. Hmmm...
Nice chapter. I love how you depicted Pinkamena (crazy/depressed Pinkie). And the conversation was very well done. I like how the queens double-crossed each other. And nice fight scenes. Just two things:
1. Vesper queen is still nameless?
2. Does going into Kirin form always make them more agressive at first, or does it depend on anything (personality, history, bloodline, etc.)?
6316738 thanks for reminding me I forgot to go in to that second one and yes the queen is still nameless but if you want to know the aggression does depend on something.
6316812 I am curious...
I'm gonna go with either staffs/wands or guns for what Trixie was holding.
ow
6354631 I know
Yikes. So... Kirin... *adds to "Never Challenge" list and removes Tirek*. Ouch. Dragons are strong, ponies are strong. This is what happens when you mix the two and have Alicorns challenge the result.
6356235 that sounds about right.
Ouch... , and that's putting it lightly...
Four Alicorns couldn't beat one noble. Seven nobles are needed to beat Absolute. Yup. This calls for the ultimate nerf!
Nice.
... That was intense...
If that is the ending I think it was, then there will be hell next... and a lot more blood...
Ponyville. Is. Screwed. More fun, but screwed. Although, that depends on the checks and balances put in place and how the ponies react.
Wow. I've heard of "Hell on Earth... Equestria", but... Wow...
6390290 Yeah, thank you deep end mentality.
what about rainbow dash?
6437140 She is later I have a plan for her
6437145 twilight bond with very powered one.
6437165 The bonds were foreshadowed did you see them.
6437179 the what?
6437298 The six already had there bonds set I even showed who is bonded to who earlier
6437362 ok
Just a tip, I think you have to many characters. I couldn't remember a few
but I do remember all of the main kirin ones and some of the fillies, and the kings and queens.
Maybe its just me but I hope this helps
6458029 You don't need to remember them all.
6458227 ok thanks, by the way loving the story. And I'm reading It the day it comes out , even if it's slightly worse of on the whole grammar thing ,compared to the early edited ones
6458466 thanks