• Member Since 11th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Arian Blaze


Friendship is butt stuff and lots of shaky toys xD

E

On one side, it is finally the night: Cheese Sandwich is going to confess his feelings for Pinkie Pie. As the night progresses, Cheese begins to notice something is up with Pinkie. What could it be? Was it something he said? Was it something he did?
On the other side, Pinkie Pie is currently confused by her emotions. Unfortunately, what makes it all worse are her nightmares about an old ex. She hopes that these nightmares do not become her reality, and ruin her relationship with Cheese Sandwich.


I do hope you all enjoy this, as much I enjoyed writing it.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 27 )

Well... that started off interesting.

While the story itself is quite good with its moments (you got a few good chuckles out of me), I'm afraid the downfall is the spacing and grammar issues that plague the entire chapter.

Sadly, I cannot be so willing to help you on that in this comment. Therefore, I advise to please seek a editor that is willing to help you out. I am almost positive that you can find one on this site (with some effort).

Other than that, keep on writing buddy! You will always get better with practice! :pinkiehappy:

This has the potential of being a good Slice of Life/Romance fic, but you just need to work on formatting and grammar (both of which are major enemies to writers). You use way too many commas, and I would suggest cutting them down. Getting an editor or pre-reader would benefit you greatly.

Wish you the best of luck, and I hope you keep writing! :twilightsmile:

Good job! Can't wait to read more! :raritystarry:

Thanks to most of you for all this help. Okay granted I do use a lot of commas but it is something I have always done, for some strange reason. So this (,) right here, will be reduced a lot more in the next few chapters. I really do enjoy writing now and I am going to make a Pinkie Pie promise; Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!, that by the next chapter. There. Will. Be. Less. Commas.
Once again thank you for taking time out of your life, to read my story. I am most grateful for the people whom are now following me. :heart::pinkiesmile:

I have to agree with most of the commenters. It is cute, and some of the things are really unique. For example, I don't think I've ever seen that kind of silly game calling "phony pony," even though it's definitely in character.

But the comma misuse, the italicization, and other errors really mar the fic. While you're "fixing it in the next chapter," please fix it in this one! Authors have so little time to make a good impression, and that can kill a fic.

While you're at it, fix the long description. Here, I'll do it for you:

On one side, it is finally the night: Cheese Sandwich is going to confess his feelings for Pinkie Pie. As the night progresses, Cheese begins to notice something is up with Pinkie. What could it be? Was it something he said? Was it something he did?
On the other side, Pinkie Pie is currently confused by her emotions. Unfortunately, what makes it all worse are her nightmares about an old ex. She hopes that these nightmares do not become her reality, and ruin her relationship with Cheese Sandwich.

There are more graceful ways to phrase it, but I only made a few adjustments. I don't have time to do more because I have to plan my courses for the new term, but this should help with automatic downrates based on the long description alone.

I wonder the rest are as shocked that Pinkie and Cheese are dating?

5659395 I'm glad that you like it, Oh and don't worry the next chapter is coming out in a few days, it's going to be a doozy. Buuut, Cheese won't be in it, it's going to be somepony else whooo I don't think you'll be too fond of. So keep a watchful eye out, Kay?
:pinkiesmile:

I really want pokey to have a slow, painful and horrible death then go to hell so that he can feel his skin turn to ashes for eternity while being being stabbed by demons with huge, sharp forks and see horrible images for the rest of his afterlife, I hope for him to never escape that, I wonder how satisfying that would be to see?! :pinkiehappy:

5723120 It would be okay, I guess. But i honestly don't think its appropriate for a young audience to see that. You'll just have to wait and see what I have planned. :pinkiesmile:
One teeny weeny question, are you or are you not a fan of Pokey Pierce, because your profile name says Pokeyranger, so I am a tad bit confused. Oh wait, is it an OC of yours? (It's probably that) :pinkiehappy:

5660391 Here ya go Buddy, an all new chapter. And really, there is no need for all this apologising, I used to comment too many times as well. But eh, I am honestly not bothered. So comment as much as you like. :pinkiesmile:

You guessed it LollipopLivvyLou, this is my OC, but I'm thinking changing it to a different OC I drew or something else.

If I were Cheese and i found out some stallion had the gall to hit a mare i would see to it that he never hurts her again. but man this is intense i cant wait for more.

5791845 I'm sure glad you like it, Oh and don't worry the next chapter will be this week or the next. :pinkiesmile:

He'll need Pinkie's friends to help her.

5835507 Yeah, I plan on writing them into it, I'm not sure how, but it'll come in time.

Typical understanding Cheese. Aww shucks it was no problem and poor pinkie she can never catch a break can she? :pinkiesad2:

5835667 Mmmhmm, although Cheese doesn't have a clue what's going on, he does know that Pinkie can't solve this problem alone.
Well I really appreciate your help, if you didn't give me a hoof, then I would have been left puzzled for like another decade or two. (Which would've kinda driven me into insanity:pinkiecrazy:)
And yeah. . . Pinkie, she. . . she goes through a lot in her crazy yet fun life. :pinkiesad2:

5856569 Yeah you gotta feel bad for the boy. Stallion. Horse?
But don't worry, he'll learn soon.
It'll either go the right way :pinkiesmile:
Or the wrong way :pinkiecrazy:

Picks up a gun

Welp, time to do my business.

6206822 Well thank you, Cookie. I promise I'll do another chapter soon. :derpytongue2:

THIS IS AMAZING YOU NEED TO CONTINUE!!
I HOPE SHES OKAY

Wow! Interesting story! Ngl this is pre Try much the exact type of story i've always looked for and loved!
Hope you will update soon!

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