French cartoonist desperately trying to improve his english
Maud and Trixie, a strangle couple slowly learning to know each other at the rock farm. Pinkie Pie joined them, happy to witness this cute pairing. But, as days passed, they are going to learn things are always a little more complicated than what they seem...
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Hi, Fou. It's great to see you on FimFiction. I love your Mauxie and Memory Lapse comics and you're one of my favourite cartoonists. Despite a few mistakes here and there, your English is really good. I love the way you portray all the characters because I personally find it extremely difficult to write Pinkie Pie, so well done for that. I really hope future chapters are as heartwarming as this one because I smiled pretty much the entire time when I read this.
Here are the mistakes I found:
Then she rolled the two dice and obtained six.
Maud slowly lowered her hoof.
Every chore of the day
as she put on her dark hooded cape
she knew how to make it more delicious without you even understanding why.
"Do you want to help me cook?"
"Sometimes you can."
The tone of her voice was as joyful as ever
"I don't mean anything other than what I said.
"We're getting there!" replied Pinkie while she helped Maud take off her cape. "She still hasn't laughed at one of my jokes!"
And she heard the humming of Pinkie pie as she took the gratin out of the oven.
And no one ever knew what was hiding behind them.
Well done on the story. You've earned yourself a follower and a favourite.
This was a fun read, just a nice bit of interaction between the three of them on a rainy day, and learning a bit more about how Maud functions.
Since you asked to be told things that sound a bit off...
This should probably be "Act like a cat", unless 'the cat' is a dance of some sort. (Not to mention it has other, much dirtier, implications.
)
"Traveling all over Equestria"
Than*
Just a typo.
You'd want to use "Sit down" here, because you are telling Maud to take a seat. 'sit up' is used to scold someone who is sitting improperly.
Keep up the good work.
5408181 Hello! Thank you very very much for this!
Pinkie Pie is my favorite character and the first one I've ever drawn/portrayed. In my opinion, it's important to see her as a character and not a comic relief (I usually don't like when she's used like this in the show). You can even write a whole story with Pinkie not being funny a single time. This is why I think Filli Vanilli is a really interesting episode: Pinkie don't know how to react to Fluttershy's problem, and she's always making it worst because it's really hard for her to help her friends without trying to joke (in fact, I'm a little like that too...
).
As long as you don't want to show how mature she can sometimes be, like I did in this fanfic, you can see her as a five years old little girl. Always doing funny and strange things to have a good time, but really awkward when there is a real problem.
5408256
Thank you a lot!
We need to see more of Trixie doing the cat impression.
I love your Mauxie comics, great to see you on FIMFiction :) Will definitely be following this.
Tu es français !
J'adore énormément Mauxie et si tu commences à écrire des scènes comme celle-là pour développer encore plus l'histoire c'est juste génial !!!
Not bad, especially from the creator of Mauxie himself. Color me interested
I dunno whether to "Aww" or cry at the thoughts of Maud's rock-smashing arm being wrapped around Trixie's neck. Love the comics, the story was great
She had probably been shooting random ideas while her sisters Marble and Limestone had written the rules and Maud had cut rocks to make all the equipment.
This sentence is awkward and should probably be broken up into 2 sentences. At the very least it needs some comas (,)
“Do the cat. Please please please, I want to see you doing the cat so much. Do it, Trixie, this will make my day and my entire life.”
Generally, thoughts are in italics or 'single quotes.' "Double Quotes" are almost always for talking.
muttered Pinkie who was always happy to put her oar in.
Not sure what 'oar' is supposed to be. Oar is a paddle for a row boat. Did you mean "say" or "vote" or "her two bits"?
Should probably put a coma (,) after Pinkie. When putting dialogue tags with other actions, they are usually separated by a coma.
Like this:
"Here is some stuff," the man said, lowering his head.
“Are you serious?!” Trixie groused.
Should be: "Are you serious?" Trixie exclaimed.
Generally, you never put ! and ? next to each other.
I enjoyed this story especially the ending.
One thing that I would like to see from this story (or the comics) is more with Pinkie. She is an interesting 3rd wheel and I think it would be interesting to see for instance Pinkie finding somebody and then Maud and Trixie helping/getting in the way in their own way with Pinkie.
Just a little something that I am wondering.
Is this the word you meant to use? I don't think it makes sense in that context.
It is defined as: Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes.
Basically, Self-Love.
oui oui oui
5410084 Pinkie meant "narcissistic sociopath", but she would have never used a word like this one. In relationship, a narcissistic sociopath will do anything to cut you off from the outside world and make sure he owns you. That's a really dangerous kind of person.
5409584 Thank you!
To put your oar in means to say or do something that annoys other people because they have not asked you to join their conversation or activity. Maybe that's an old-fashioned idiom and no one uses it anymore.
To put ! and ? together is something I use a lot in my comics to express a big incomprehension or anger. Maybe I am too used to it, but I think it makes the sentence funnier.
5410044 Thank you
Sorry, but I don't think Pinkie Pie will find any special somepony in my Mauxie stories. Everyone has his favorite ships, and a lot of readers may not like the ship I would do with Pinkie. I want these stories to still be about Maud and Trixie plus Pinkie, not Maud and Trixie plus Pinkie and X.
Furthermore, I'm not really into the ships people usually like. The less risky I could use would be Pinkie and Cheese Sandwich, but IMO, it can easily became a boring ship because they have too much in common. I prefer strange ships where the ponies are really different but love each other anyway, it makes their story stronger.
However, I will probably talk more about Pinkie Pie in the fanfics, so I hope you'll enjoy them
5411727
Oar... huh. Perhaps it's a french saying?
The rules of grammar, spelling, and punctuation are much looser in comics versus printed pros.
Great first chapter, I look forward to more. I read all of Mauxie on your tumblr sand thought it was great, but this story really looks like it'll add a whole new level of depth. Keep up the awesome work.
5411693
After reading about Narcissistic Sociopaths, which was very interesting by the way, I think one thing you could consider is using the word "(over)Possessive" in Pinkie's dialogue? Because if Pinkie is only using half the phrase, it's meaning completely changes, since the 'sociopath' half is the important part of the label in this case. Understandably, she doesn't like to use that word for her sister.
Edit:
I just realized I might come off as needlessly nitpicking and argumentative.
Sorry, it's not my intention. Just for the record, it's only a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it.
I love Mauxie! It's got some good moxie going!
I love it. This story absolutely exudes your unique and wonderful style of storytelling, evident in the Mauxie comic as well. The characters are spot-on, and you managed to tell a lot of story in not a lot of space. I'd love to see follow-up chapters and stories.
On a side note, your English is very good, even if you had to look up a lot of words. In truth, the fic does read like a translation, but that's not strictly detrimental. I had no trouble reading it, and if I hadn't known already you were French, I would never have guessed English wasn't your first language.
I really like the Mauxie ship and what you've done with it. Outside of the VinylTavia ship, it's probably my favourite ship to date. It's interesting to see two such diametrically opposed ponies finding solace in one another's comfort.
For what it's worth, I find myself somewhat worried about Maud's mental state. There was a big discussion back when Maud overturned the bed during their argument, and a lot of people saw this aggression to be a sign that the relationship was, ultimately, doomed. As with the time they had, uh, intercourse on the farm, there was reconciliation.
Don't get me wrong, it's easy to say "aww" at all of the adorable moments, but clearly Maud and Trixie need to properly explain themselves and how, if at all, their relationship is going to work. Maud is lonely, so she gets very easily attached. Trixie is lonely, but has, at least until she worked at the rock farm, often preferred being alone, or has projected that impression.
It's unclear how Maud and Trixie truly feel about each other; they've admitted they're in love, they've even made love, but I think they need to really voice what they both want out of the relationship. That might help Maud's untempered aggression (though this may be because of her lack of contact with many other ponies; her outward emotions are very "black and white", so to speak), and may help Trixie to understand she doesn't always have to play to an audience.
Well, those are my "two cents" on the matter.
For what it's worth, I was thinking of asking you if I could adapt your comics into literature form, but perhaps that has been rendered somewhat by the existence of your very own - well-received - writing. However, if you're okay with me expressing it in literature, that'd be great. If anything, I'd always link back to your work, and it would tide me over writing-wise until I get my Twilestia fic plan back in the new year.
Thanks again for developing such an interesting story!
5414021 I think I already told to someone he could do it, but it's probably been more than a month and I still didn't see anything. Anyway, you're welcome to do it, but I have just one condition: you don't have a monopoly on it. This means that if someone else asks me this, I will probably agree too
5415255 Thanks for replying. I don't intend to hoard the series and act like it's my own work; that's just dishonest. I should probably link back to your work, too.
Oh my god, I love this! It's definitely a lot faster to read than the comics, and with writing more techniques are possible, also. But don't get me wrong, I LOVE the comics! Very noice,
Why don't you post the chapter, then send it to an editor, and update with the edited version when the corrections are done?
*too much food
Also you tenses seem a little weird at times.
But this was cute.
......this is going to be adorable, I can already tell
Wow, Maud's kinda evil, lol. I gotta say, I do love how your showing the whole relationship of these two being....well, flawed. Relationships are messy, people/ponies are damaged and have issues. So I love the way you show how Trixie and Maud's flaws work with one another, but it positive or negative. Great cute moments thus far, love your comic and can't wait to see what deeper things you explore with this random fic
Cool story, bro
This is great. With the first chapter, it definitely read "like a translation"; it was well-written and effective, but this time you around you're much more expressive. You're painting a much clearer picture (outside of drawing comics ^_^) and it's easy to visualise Trixie furiously scrubbing away at the kitchen whilst Maud and Pinkie lurk nearby. Fantastic. I've noticed that your errors are going down rapidly; your English is very good, perhaps better than you think.
Funny and adorable
Did you mean Narcissistic?
5426108 I sure did. Thank you!
The very last sentence: "I think you guess what happened next." That should probably be "I think you can guess what happened next." Other than that I don't think there's anything else to tweak.
Votre Anglais est tellement mieux que mon Francais!
This story just has adorable written all over it. The way their very different personalities bounce off each other is so well explored.
Ah! I just figured out what you meant by "sorrow of love"... in English, that's usually called heartbreak.
Ah, so this is going to be the Kiss-a Sutra, is it? Cute!
oar -> two bits
hard -> tough
yours -> your
years -> -year
When is the next part of this coming out?
Traipsed in here from your tumblr comic. I adore this ship and the direction you're taking it.
A few notes for the chapter Confidences, I have tried not to change your style any more than necessary :
by -> as
find -?> decide
> All the day's chores had been completed, except for one:
?> always' Maud's job; she could accomplish in a few trips what any other pony couldn't manage with a dozen.
("couldn't manage with a dozen" is idiosyncratic use of language, but I think it fits here)
what -> how OR reply -> say
>could have thought of as being fun.
(you want the 'of,' 'being,' or both... not neither)
>bland OR unsavory
>Thus, she knew how to take each
savorlessdish listed in the books and make it delicious without you ever understanding why.(rephrasing (and even->ever) helps this)
>You would also gain twenty pounds.
(adjusting verb tense to be same as earlier sentence ('knew how to make' being the operant tense, not 'understanding why'); repeating 'without understanding why' degrades the prose)
This -> That
accepted -> deigned
>Trixie
(weird change of narrative voice, fixed)
improve -> improvise
>(delete)
(quite unnecessary; if you want to keep it very much... 'replied Pinkie, unwilling to give up so easily.')
She -> Pinkie
>"I see." Pinkie smiled and put on her apron, humming her song.
('smiled' is not a valid 'said-ism.')
>easy for her. She's
(or semicolon and lower-case 's' again; comma is bad grammar: "comma splice")
>(delete space before period)
(Innuendo suggests things immoral or improper -- is this intentional?)
lips -> lip (singular) OR bit -> pursed
> ?
(I have no idea what this means. given the later sentence, maybe heartbreak -- this would suggest 'sorrow from broken/failed/lost love'... alternatively, 'a romantic melancholy')
>“O-Of course not,” Trixie said, stuttering. “Trixie wouldn’t let anyone do anything to her.”
(possibly move the sentence starting with "Although" to the end of the earlier paragraph; note the 'you could feel' is a problem.)
>Pinkie didn't reply, simply smiling
went -> came
>looked her in the eyes as intensely
>her neck at any time.
>Maud’s lips and heard
>her mind: those disturbing things
>Trixie
(change is more active and clear)
notes on chapter: The Kiss Book - Prologue :
?> But, for now, I prefer
(optional earlier comma separating subordinate clause, 'for now')
> They've been kissed by Volcano Mare—a professional kisser—and The Awesome E.I.A.I.E.M.W.H.I.A.I.T.B.O.S. (alright, this is too long)—an expert in being teased, being kissed, and complaining because she’s too shy to admit she loves it.
('with The Awesome' is grammatically cumbersome, and changing to 'and The Awesome' makes it acceptable; separating other clauses with the dashes is a sensible change that reduces confusion.)
>>all em-dashes (—) should have the spaces around them removed, or changed to the en-dash (–)... not to be confused with a hyphen! (-). Wikipedia has it right:
notes on chapter: The Kiss Book - 01 - Clapping Door :
(This fits oddly with the rest of the story and is just odd; I have tried to clean it up below in a manner consistent with your style…)
> I had made lots of waffles for breakfast. (And when I say lots, I mean lots! You can't imagine just how much Trixie can eat. She would always yell, "You made too much food!" and proceed to devour everything to the last crumb. And Maud, have you ever seen that she can't help but slightly lick her lips when she's enjoying her meal?) Because every breakfast I make has to be the best, there were lots of strawberries, blueberries, and plenty of maple syrup. We didn't talk very much while we ate, but I didn't mind because we were enjoying it because it was all so good!
occupied -> occupied by OR occupied with
> groaned Trixie.
(The remainder of this is unnecessary, as Maud points out 'she left' immediately after.)
While not a problem, I would recommend:
> After a moment, "There. Now it's blackmail."
> Maud stepped outside and closed the door behind her, Trixie calling her all names under the sun. We looked at each other for a moment and, in perfect sisters' unison, pressed our ears against the door. “You're so […]”
(the passage about 'looking' is impossible, as they are listening instead of peeking; other edits improve the flow of the scene.)
> I wish I could relate to you what she said next, but Maud pushed me away from the door, making it clear that what Trixie was saying was none of my business.
('I wish I could' better suggests the inability of Pinkie versus unwillingness; 'pushed' instead of 'drew' fits the physical situation better; 'none of my business' avoids ambiguity of 'her business' (whose?))
> For a moment there was no sound but the faint rubbing of a rag on a table. We waited a bit longer, then Maud looked at me. It was my turn. She moved away as I opened the door and went back inside. The rag stopped instantly, the disappointment I saw on Trixie's face quickly giving way to a scowl.
("we could now" does odd things with tense; other corrections are general improvements)
> (delete)
(You can delete this, if you accept the above correction where the scowl is already known)
?> Really? I don't think Maud would agree with that.
("think you did it" just sounds odd to me, but not a failure in the language.)
> (delete "meaning well played")
eavesdropped -> listened ('eavesdropped,' as the past tense, is almost never used)
"rubbing harder the table" -> "rubbing the table (even) harder (than before)"
',' -> '…'
(ellipsis (…) is better choice)
?> pushed (through) the door
(using 'through' is more natural)
>Trixie seized my coat from the rack and threw it right in my face.
"Here's your stupid coat!" she yelled at me. "Now is that all you forgot?"
(general improvements not related to translation issues)
?> but Maud expected me to:
(change of period to colon is necessarily, according to "the following" earlier in the sentence; "expected me to" keeps the intent of Maud's wishes while avoiding the confusion from (not) being asked.)
> "It's better, but I still don't think Maud would agree…"
(sensible change if you accept the above modification of 'Maud wouldn't agree')
?> I fled, slamming the door before Trixie could say anything else. Maud stood there, looking at me, and nodded.
"I'm not doing it a third time," I whispered.
"Yes, you are," she said.
(suggested as a general improvement)
> Occupational hazard
(after thinking about what you might have meant, this seems accurate and more natural)
> Maud left towards the farm
(more natural-sounding language)
> I didn't have to put my ear against the door to hear sound of rubbing between Trixie's groans that it would be […]
(more natural-sounding language; general improvement)
> I had forgotten to count. When the realization struck me,
(general improvement)
> (comma after 'stammered' ; 'had to forgot' -> 'had to forget' OR -> 'forgot')
> Two murderous looks were on me, Trixie's face mirrored perfectly in the table's surface.
(more natural language; general improvement)
> She started making her way around the table towards me. I don't know—and I'm glad I don't—what would have happened next, because I was saved by a voice saying, "That's good cleaning."
> uncomprehending.
(general improvement)
> I think you can guess what happened next.
(natural language needs the 'can')
Sounds kinky.
Is this story dead?