“I’m going to use a teleportation spell,” said Maud.
“This is too risky,” grunted Trixie.
“Life is full of risks,” replied Maud. Then she rolled the two dice. And got a six.
Pinkie Pie raised her forelegs and shouted while Trixie only raised her eyebrows. Of course, not a single emotion crossed Maud’s face. She took her token and put it on the other side of the board.
“You won another medal!” exclaimed Pinkie, taking a little golden medal-shaped rock from a jar and giving it to her sister. “We can do it!” Maud took a close look at the rock and put it with a bunch of other ones next to Trixie.
They were playing an old game named by Pinkie Pie “The Amazing Test of the Royal Guards”. In fact, all of this game had been invented by the Pie sisters when they were younger. Pinkie Pie was always saying the best games were the ones where everypony won together, and that’s how this game had been elaborated: every player was a royal guard, having to work with the others to win fifteen medals in ten turns. It was so good that Trixie was sure it couldn’t have been Pinkie Pie who made it. She had probably been shooting random ideas while her sisters Marble and Limestone had written the rules, and Maud had cut rocks to make all the equipment.
Trixie took a look at the rain hitting the window before rolling the dice. The thing she feared the most had happened: she was going on a green square. She took a card, read it and immediately said “Trixie won’t do it.”
“What is it?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Act like a cat for twenty seconds. This is humiliating. Trixie has her pride.”
Before putting down the card, Trixie noticed Maud was staring at her with great intensity. She was still unsure if she really understood what Maud wanted to say when she looked at her like that, or if she was imagining it. However, she saw a little glare and translated it by Do the cat. Please please please, I want to see you doing the cat so much. Do it, Trixie, this will make my day and my entire life. All things considered, she was probably dreaming up a little bit.
“Meow?” ventured Trixie.
Maud didn’t move a muscle. Trixie tried harder. “Meow meow meooow?”
She was going to look at Pinkie Pie to check if she wasn’t making fun of her when Trixie felt a cold and dusty hoof rubbing her neck.
“Pretty kitty,” said Maud.
Trixie turned beet red, captivated once again by Maud’s intense stare and trying desperately to find how to react. She stammered “M-Maud…”
“Kitty cats don’t talk,” interrupted Maud. She started caressing her back and Trixie shivered.
“Meow…”
“Cats purr when they are pleased!” muttered Pinkie, who was always happy to put her oar in. Somepony else could have been really embarrassed, but she loved seeing happy ponies and watching two ponies cuddling was part of it.
Maud slowly lowered her hoof and Trixie tried in vain to do another meow, paralyzed by her embarrassment.
“That’s enough! Trixie did an astonishing imitation!”
Pinkie was taking a medal for Trixie, but Maud stopped her.
“No. She talked. Cats don’t talk.”
“Are you serious?!” Trixie groused. “I deserve it!”
“No, you don’t.”
“You stupid airhead twerp! Give me that medal!”
“It’s still raining and the sun is setting. I should take the rocks to the silo now.”
The abrupt change of subject left Trixie speechless for a few seconds before she blustered “Fine! But don’t expect Trixie to come with you!”
This was the reason they were all playing together during the day instead of working: it was raining cats and dogs. Every chores of the day had been achieved except for the last one, bringing all the smashed rocks to the silo. Of course, this was always Maud’s job, she just needed a few journeys when it would have required more than a dozen for an ordinary pony.
“Would you like me to come with you?” asked Pinkie Pie who didn’t want her sister to feel lonely, working under the rain.
“Please cook the dinner,” replied Maud as she put on her dark hooded cape. “It won’t take long.”
“Maybe Trixie could reconsider going with you if you apologized to her,” said Trixie, trying to seem as disinterested as possible.
“You should be the one apologizing,” replied Maud as she was leaving. “Insulting ponies when you don’t know what to reply is really immature.”
“I… Go to Tartarus, Maud!”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
Maud closed the door, leaving Trixie mad with rage and Pinkie feeling a little uncomfortable.
The cookbooks in the Pie’s house didn’t have any recipe you could have thought as fun. Pinkie Pie loved to cook with her mother when she was younger, and she had gradually learned how to put sugar, butter or chocolate in the confection without anyone noticing. Thus, for every savorless dish listed in these books, she knew how to make it more delicious without you even understanding why. You were also going to gain twenty pounds without understanding why.
This evening, she was going to make an eggplant gratin and a crème brûlée. It was hard to bake sweet things because she knew her sister wasn’t really into it. Each time, Trixie had noticed it and suggested to take Maud’s part, to avoid wasting food. The truth was Trixie had become addicted to Pinkie’s cooking, but would have never accepted to admit it.
Speaking of Trixie, she was still sulking at the table, repeating over and over that Maud was an idiot.
“Do you want to help me cook?” asked Pinkie Pie, ready to improve a new song about how baking helps you to feel happier.
“No,” answered Trixie coldly. “Cooking makes your hooves dirty. Trixie won’t stoop to it.”
“Really?” replied Pinkie who didn’t want to give up so easily. “Then, what did you eat when you were travelling all over Equestria in your caravan?”
“Food.”
Pinkie Pie would have given so much to hear Trixie speaking about the time she was a travelling magician. She had tried several times to make Trixie talk about it, but she stayed as silent as a grave.
“I see”, smiled Pinkie while she put an apron, humming her song.
“Your sister is an idiot,” said Trixie. “Everything’s easy for her, she’s always calm. She could have apologized to Trixie before leaving.”
“I don’t think so,’ said Pinkie as she was taking the gratin she had made in the afternoon out of the fridge . “She seemed really irked when she left home. She wouldn’t have given a lecture to you otherwise.”
“Seriously? And how was I supposed to guess that? She’s an idiot.” Trixie posed, looking at a little crack on the wall. “I can’t believe you are sisters.”
Pinkie turned on the oven and adjusted it. “I sure can!”
“You are complete opposites. Look at you two. She’s the most unflappable mare Trixie has ever seen. You’re a happy fool, a live wire. How can you get along?”
Pinkie put the gratin in the oven. “We’re sisters!”
“You can’t be happy with someone only because of yours family ties.”
“Sometimes you can.”
Trixie turned back. Pinkie Pie was still smiling and humming, the tone of her voice was as joyful as ever, but she could have sworn she heard a little something in her voice she wasn’t used to.
“I said sometimes!” laughed Pinkie.
“What do you mean?” asked Trixie.
“I don’t mean anything other than what I said. I don’t really like innuendoes.”
“Has she ever been mean to you?”
“Oh, no. We already had little quarrels of course, but nothing big. She’s really protective. In fact, she can be a little bit too protective with other ones.”
“Other ones?”
“Her lovers.”
“Oh. Did she have a lot of other lovers before me? Not that I really care of course, but—”
“Yes. A lot.”
“Alright, I do care. I shouldn’t have asked this.” Trixie bit her lips. In fact, Maud was such an amazing lover that it wasn’t such a surprise. “She’s not really sociable. You wouldn’t really expect this from her.”
“When she has a sorrow of love, she isolates herself from the rest of the world. Her rock passion isn’t a really common hobby.” Pinkie Pie hesitated, and came closer to Trixie. Always smiling. “When she’s in love, she’s madly in love. And when she has doubts about her lover, I know she can become a little… violent. She never did anything wrong to you, did she?”
Trixie stuttered. Although Pinkie didn’t lose her happy tone at any moment, you could feel she was really serious. Trixie replied. “O-Of course not. Trixie wouldn’t let anyone do anything to her.”
“Good. I know you are a good mare, Trixie. When you are insulting ponies, it’s just a way to reassure yourself. But when Maud says mean things, it can be really harsh. I’ve already seen her being really narcissistic with the ones she loved. You’re a strong mare, Trixie. But please pinkie promise me you will tell me if she’s becoming like this.”
“Why did you stay with us at the farm, Pinkie?”
Pinkie didn’t reply. But she kept smiling in the silence.
“Is it because… you want to protect me from your sister?”
“I won’t always be there, Trixie. “
The door opened, and the racket made by the rain went in with Maud. She was soaking wet. She looked at Pinkie and Trixie who were side by side.
“Are you becoming friends?” asked Maud.
“We're getting there!” replied Pinkie while she helped Maud to take off her cape. “She still hasn’t laughed at one of my jokes!”
“It smells good,” noticed Maud.
“Dinner is almost ready! You can sit down.”
Maud came closer to Trixie and looked at her in the eyes. As intensely as she always did.
“Maybe…” muttered Trixie, “Maybe Trixie’s apologizing a little bit.”
“Then, maybe I’m apologizing too. A little bit.”
Maud put her foreleg around Trixie’s neck and kissed her on the cheek. Trixie closed her eyes. She could feel the amazing strength inside Maud’s foreleg. A strength which could break her neck anytime. But she also felt the soft pressure of Maud’s lips. And she heard the humming of Pinkie Pie as she took the gratin out of the oven. Pinkie’s words came back to her mind. These disturbing things she had said about her own sister, but always smiling. Maud was giving her a second kiss. And it seemed to her she finally understood what these sisters had in common. The blank face and the smile were masks. And no one ever knew what was hiding behind them.
Hi, Fou. It's great to see you on FimFiction. I love your Mauxie and Memory Lapse comics and you're one of my favourite cartoonists. Despite a few mistakes here and there, your English is really good. I love the way you portray all the characters because I personally find it extremely difficult to write Pinkie Pie, so well done for that. I really hope future chapters are as heartwarming as this one because I smiled pretty much the entire time when I read this.
Here are the mistakes I found:
Then she rolled the two dice and obtained six.
Maud slowly lowered her hoof.
Every chore of the day
as she put on her dark hooded cape
she knew how to make it more delicious without you even understanding why.
"Do you want to help me cook?"
"Sometimes you can."
The tone of her voice was as joyful as ever
"I don't mean anything other than what I said.
"We're getting there!" replied Pinkie while she helped Maud take off her cape. "She still hasn't laughed at one of my jokes!"
And she heard the humming of Pinkie pie as she took the gratin out of the oven.
And no one ever knew what was hiding behind them.
Well done on the story. You've earned yourself a follower and a favourite.
This was a fun read, just a nice bit of interaction between the three of them on a rainy day, and learning a bit more about how Maud functions.
Since you asked to be told things that sound a bit off...
This should probably be "Act like a cat", unless 'the cat' is a dance of some sort. (Not to mention it has other, much dirtier, implications. )
"Traveling all over Equestria"
Than*
Just a typo.
You'd want to use "Sit down" here, because you are telling Maud to take a seat. 'sit up' is used to scold someone who is sitting improperly.
Keep up the good work.
5408181 Hello! Thank you very very much for this!
Pinkie Pie is my favorite character and the first one I've ever drawn/portrayed. In my opinion, it's important to see her as a character and not a comic relief (I usually don't like when she's used like this in the show). You can even write a whole story with Pinkie not being funny a single time. This is why I think Filli Vanilli is a really interesting episode: Pinkie don't know how to react to Fluttershy's problem, and she's always making it worst because it's really hard for her to help her friends without trying to joke (in fact, I'm a little like that too... ).
As long as you don't want to show how mature she can sometimes be, like I did in this fanfic, you can see her as a five years old little girl. Always doing funny and strange things to have a good time, but really awkward when there is a real problem.
5408256
Thank you a lot!
We need to see more of Trixie doing the cat impression.
I love your Mauxie comics, great to see you on FIMFiction :) Will definitely be following this.
Tu es français !
J'adore énormément Mauxie et si tu commences à écrire des scènes comme celle-là pour développer encore plus l'histoire c'est juste génial !!!
Not bad, especially from the creator of Mauxie himself. Color me interested
I dunno whether to "Aww" or cry at the thoughts of Maud's rock-smashing arm being wrapped around Trixie's neck. Love the comics, the story was great
She had probably been shooting random ideas while her sisters Marble and Limestone had written the rules and Maud had cut rocks to make all the equipment.
This sentence is awkward and should probably be broken up into 2 sentences. At the very least it needs some comas (,)
“Do the cat. Please please please, I want to see you doing the cat so much. Do it, Trixie, this will make my day and my entire life.”
Generally, thoughts are in italics or 'single quotes.' "Double Quotes" are almost always for talking.
muttered Pinkie who was always happy to put her oar in.
Not sure what 'oar' is supposed to be. Oar is a paddle for a row boat. Did you mean "say" or "vote" or "her two bits"?
Should probably put a coma (,) after Pinkie. When putting dialogue tags with other actions, they are usually separated by a coma.
Like this:
"Here is some stuff," the man said, lowering his head.
“Are you serious?!” Trixie groused.
Should be: "Are you serious?" Trixie exclaimed.
Generally, you never put ! and ? next to each other.
I enjoyed this story especially the ending.
One thing that I would like to see from this story (or the comics) is more with Pinkie. She is an interesting 3rd wheel and I think it would be interesting to see for instance Pinkie finding somebody and then Maud and Trixie helping/getting in the way in their own way with Pinkie.
Just a little something that I am wondering.
Is this the word you meant to use? I don't think it makes sense in that context.
It is defined as: Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes.
Basically, Self-Love.
oui oui oui
5410084 Pinkie meant "narcissistic sociopath", but she would have never used a word like this one. In relationship, a narcissistic sociopath will do anything to cut you off from the outside world and make sure he owns you. That's a really dangerous kind of person.
5409584 Thank you!
To put your oar in means to say or do something that annoys other people because they have not asked you to join their conversation or activity. Maybe that's an old-fashioned idiom and no one uses it anymore.
To put ! and ? together is something I use a lot in my comics to express a big incomprehension or anger. Maybe I am too used to it, but I think it makes the sentence funnier.
5410044 Thank you
Sorry, but I don't think Pinkie Pie will find any special somepony in my Mauxie stories. Everyone has his favorite ships, and a lot of readers may not like the ship I would do with Pinkie. I want these stories to still be about Maud and Trixie plus Pinkie, not Maud and Trixie plus Pinkie and X.
Furthermore, I'm not really into the ships people usually like. The less risky I could use would be Pinkie and Cheese Sandwich, but IMO, it can easily became a boring ship because they have too much in common. I prefer strange ships where the ponies are really different but love each other anyway, it makes their story stronger.
However, I will probably talk more about Pinkie Pie in the fanfics, so I hope you'll enjoy them
5411727
Oar... huh. Perhaps it's a french saying?
The rules of grammar, spelling, and punctuation are much looser in comics versus printed pros.
Great first chapter, I look forward to more. I read all of Mauxie on your tumblr sand thought it was great, but this story really looks like it'll add a whole new level of depth. Keep up the awesome work.
5411693
After reading about Narcissistic Sociopaths, which was very interesting by the way, I think one thing you could consider is using the word "(over)Possessive" in Pinkie's dialogue? Because if Pinkie is only using half the phrase, it's meaning completely changes, since the 'sociopath' half is the important part of the label in this case. Understandably, she doesn't like to use that word for her sister.
Edit:
I just realized I might come off as needlessly nitpicking and argumentative.
Sorry, it's not my intention. Just for the record, it's only a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it.
I love Mauxie! It's got some good moxie going!
I love it. This story absolutely exudes your unique and wonderful style of storytelling, evident in the Mauxie comic as well. The characters are spot-on, and you managed to tell a lot of story in not a lot of space. I'd love to see follow-up chapters and stories.
On a side note, your English is very good, even if you had to look up a lot of words. In truth, the fic does read like a translation, but that's not strictly detrimental. I had no trouble reading it, and if I hadn't known already you were French, I would never have guessed English wasn't your first language.
I really like the Mauxie ship and what you've done with it. Outside of the VinylTavia ship, it's probably my favourite ship to date. It's interesting to see two such diametrically opposed ponies finding solace in one another's comfort.
For what it's worth, I find myself somewhat worried about Maud's mental state. There was a big discussion back when Maud overturned the bed during their argument, and a lot of people saw this aggression to be a sign that the relationship was, ultimately, doomed. As with the time they had, uh, intercourse on the farm, there was reconciliation.
Don't get me wrong, it's easy to say "aww" at all of the adorable moments, but clearly Maud and Trixie need to properly explain themselves and how, if at all, their relationship is going to work. Maud is lonely, so she gets very easily attached. Trixie is lonely, but has, at least until she worked at the rock farm, often preferred being alone, or has projected that impression.
It's unclear how Maud and Trixie truly feel about each other; they've admitted they're in love, they've even made love, but I think they need to really voice what they both want out of the relationship. That might help Maud's untempered aggression (though this may be because of her lack of contact with many other ponies; her outward emotions are very "black and white", so to speak), and may help Trixie to understand she doesn't always have to play to an audience.
Well, those are my "two cents" on the matter.
For what it's worth, I was thinking of asking you if I could adapt your comics into literature form, but perhaps that has been rendered somewhat by the existence of your very own - well-received - writing. However, if you're okay with me expressing it in literature, that'd be great. If anything, I'd always link back to your work, and it would tide me over writing-wise until I get my Twilestia fic plan back in the new year.
Thanks again for developing such an interesting story!
5414021 I think I already told to someone he could do it, but it's probably been more than a month and I still didn't see anything. Anyway, you're welcome to do it, but I have just one condition: you don't have a monopoly on it. This means that if someone else asks me this, I will probably agree too
5415255 Thanks for replying. I don't intend to hoard the series and act like it's my own work; that's just dishonest. I should probably link back to your work, too.
Oh my god, I love this! It's definitely a lot faster to read than the comics, and with writing more techniques are possible, also. But don't get me wrong, I LOVE the comics! Very noice,
Did you mean Narcissistic?
5426108 I sure did. Thank you!
Ah! I just figured out what you meant by "sorrow of love"... in English, that's usually called heartbreak.
oar -> two bits
hard -> tough
yours -> your
years -> -year
Traipsed in here from your tumblr comic. I adore this ship and the direction you're taking it.
A few notes for the chapter Confidences, I have tried not to change your style any more than necessary :
by -> as
find -?> decide
> All the day's chores had been completed, except for one:
?> always' Maud's job; she could accomplish in a few trips what any other pony couldn't manage with a dozen.
("couldn't manage with a dozen" is idiosyncratic use of language, but I think it fits here)
what -> how OR reply -> say
>could have thought of as being fun.
(you want the 'of,' 'being,' or both... not neither)
>bland OR unsavory
>Thus, she knew how to take each
savorlessdish listed in the books and make it delicious without you ever understanding why.(rephrasing (and even->ever) helps this)
>You would also gain twenty pounds.
(adjusting verb tense to be same as earlier sentence ('knew how to make' being the operant tense, not 'understanding why'); repeating 'without understanding why' degrades the prose)
This -> That
accepted -> deigned
>Trixie
(weird change of narrative voice, fixed)
improve -> improvise
>(delete)
(quite unnecessary; if you want to keep it very much... 'replied Pinkie, unwilling to give up so easily.')
She -> Pinkie
>"I see." Pinkie smiled and put on her apron, humming her song.
('smiled' is not a valid 'said-ism.')
>easy for her. She's
(or semicolon and lower-case 's' again; comma is bad grammar: "comma splice")
>(delete space before period)
(Innuendo suggests things immoral or improper -- is this intentional?)
lips -> lip (singular) OR bit -> pursed
> ?
(I have no idea what this means. given the later sentence, maybe heartbreak -- this would suggest 'sorrow from broken/failed/lost love'... alternatively, 'a romantic melancholy')
>“O-Of course not,” Trixie said, stuttering. “Trixie wouldn’t let anyone do anything to her.”
(possibly move the sentence starting with "Although" to the end of the earlier paragraph; note the 'you could feel' is a problem.)
>Pinkie didn't reply, simply smiling
went -> came
>looked her in the eyes as intensely
>her neck at any time.
>Maud’s lips and heard
>her mind: those disturbing things
>Trixie
(change is more active and clear)
Sounds kinky.