• Member Since 23rd Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

JaHarre


Hey everypony! The names JaHarre. It kinda rymes with Jafar but it has an extra r and an e on the end. Why? Because I said so.

T

I was a college student who had a plan for my life, 2 weeks from graduation, a good job lined up, good friends, and I find myself swept away to a land called Equestria. I didn't arrive voluntarily or even as a human, pony, diamond dog, griffin, dragon, or any other natural citizen of the equestrian world. I got to experience it all as an individual that is truly one of a kind.

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 229 )

More!!!!! I might be first let me check.

... XD Okay, it could use SOME help with grammar, But other than that, I... Suppose this is interesting enough to keep reading. I'll wait to make a more certain judgement then, since you've been so kind as to include several more chapters to make a basis on. ~Allons-y!~

I am!!! Great story. There are some errors so try to get those fixed.

finally, an original HiE *fistpumps*

hmmm looks interesting, i'll probably read it once I have some spare time.

I read through to the fourth chapter and saw your request for feedback. So I'll comment on this chapter, since it stuck out to me the most on what I'm about to say.

In general:
You change tracks too often. I get the feeling you're using run-on sentences (though I don't think you are). The long paragraphs add to this illusion. Each paragraph often contains multiple tracks of thinking/action/exposition, making me, the reader feel bounced about by the story. Also, overusing words like "was" and "were" is telling the reader what's going on rather than showing them. Not a good thing.

Specific:
Your hero seems exceptionally stoic about the changeover to a different race and losing his friend, not to mention being in a whole new world. Part of this is due to the multiple tracks thing. Maybe you want your hero to be really resilient and stoic, and maybe not. I saw him shouting a lot through the different situations, so I guess you want him not so strong-and-silent.

Suggestions:
Break up your paragraphs. Long paragraphs don't hurt, but make sure they don't have several barely-related things going on at once. Don't mix action, description, and dialogue in a paragraph any more than you have to. Cut out most of the "was" and "were," and take more words to write certain things, like how your main character reacted to his friend dying. Don't go from watching his friend die to burying him in one little sentence! Adding specific detail helps the reader be a part of the story.

Side note: Look up "sentence beginnings list" or something if you want to learn extra ways to format your sentences. Variety keeps readers happy, even if they can't tell what the difference is.



My suggestions are the kind that take years to fully incorporate into your writing, unless you have a really good editor. So don't feel overwhelmed as you read this, please. I'm still working on these things myself, believe me. Your writing, besides those things that stuck out to me, is quite good. I know I said add more specific detail, but you already have a good bit, enough to feel proud of yourself in your writing. Adding more will just help readers enjoy it as well.

You've got pretty good technical work. I didn't notice many typos, and for that I commend you. The whole thing feels a bit rushed, but once again that's mostly due to long unbroken paragraphs that feed me too much info without a space in which to process it before going to the next bit. I enjoyed reading this, though I didn't have enough time to full appreciate it before going into critique mode.

Keep writing! If this is your first endeavor, or even your tenth, you'll just keep getting better with practice.

Finally, it's not a brony (or, in fact, anyone who knows where they are) in Equestria, and he's not even what he should be. Good work, and I can't wait to see what you come up with next! Keep writing! :twilightsmile:

IN THE NAME OF FLUTTERSHY AND MOLESTIA I DEMAND MORE!!!MOAR!!!!MOAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!1

MOAR PLEASE :pinkiehappy:

green blood....green? from a tiger? :rainbowhuh:
well this is certainly original

534499>>534506
The only thing I can say is that I'm an engineer not an english major! hahahahaha!

on a more serious note. I am grateful for the pointing out of grammar issues. No matter how many times I go back and look at it I always find some thing that needs to be tweaked. It kinda sucks that I do my own editing.

534531
Thank you for the suggestions. Please keep pointing out my faults and I might eventually become good at this.
looking back on it now I see what you mean by being jerked around by the story line. It is a bit choppy. I am also trying to develop the character's personality but sometimes I think I added a little too much of my own in it. So, that's why he hasn't freaked out.... yet.

It's interesting. Too fast paced, but good. The spelling and grammar could use some work.

534682
I have been enjoying the story! Have you considered trying to get a proofreader? I might be able to help you there.

Well... You REALLY want constructive criticism? Alright. I'll try to keep it as brief and painless as possible, but I'm not gonna hold back. Your grammar needs help. For example: '"Like a log." she gives me a puzzled look.' That 'she' should be capitalized. The only instances you can make it lowercase is when the punctuation at the end of a quote is a comma, question mark, or exclamation mark, AND it needs to have a speaking verb, like spoke, replied, said, exclaimed, questioned, inquired, ect. There's other issues as well, but that was the most noticeable one.

My other major complaint is how easily he takes being turned into a Tiger. I mean, I don't expect him to REALLY freak out, because I know that *I* wouldn't, but I would expect him to question how this happened more, as well as maybe be more devastated by his friend's death. I mean, he didn't use the emergency flares either. Call me crazy, but if my friend was dying/really sick, I'd be using those *ing things! xD

Still, the story is interesting enough, so I'll keep reading! I'll comment more later. Gotta go for now! (Time issues.)

534668
Some tigers bleed orange (and I am talking about the school now) others bleed green, especially if you are in the agricultural majors, for it is mainly an agricultural and engineering school. That's just the school pride. I tried to mix things up.

534754 well that's...interesting to say the least. i should look that up some time.
and try to keep the "no name" thing going for as long as you can, it's funny to think about some of the outcomes

O_O ...(no words can!)

PS: Manly Tears? there are no such things, either you cry or you dont (making wailing sounds is a choice)

You're rushing. Take more time setting the scene and describing the happenings. A reader will fill in quite a few blanks, but you can't leave out key things like character reactions. There's nothing for your reader to base their imagination on. You completely glossed over the main character's reaction to such close friends dying, which was an opportunity to really flesh out his personality and make him a character we can identify with - the very soul of making a story truly good.

Which is too bad, because otherwise this is a very amusing story so far. The hero's arrival plot-line is a fun one.

Love the kitties. Kzinti are cool. :twilightsmile: Tracking!

534682 ah, you are open to grammar corrections? i do believe i saw the word barley instead of barely in either this chapter or the last one

You officially have my attention, I'll be following this from here on out.

.......... bitch I am tracking the shit out of this story.

Is Nopony going to comment on the typo in the synopsis? This is the third time I've seen a writer use collage instead of college! Please say it's an American thing, because otherwise this is ridiculous. An error in the synopsis is a real put-off for me straight from the get go. A second check also tells me you didn't capitalise "Equestria". It is a proper noun. I will read the story later in detail; I'm just browsing for now.

I originally shouted "FURRY" when I saw the cover, but I guess I'll give it a go.

...

I'm seeing nothing but raving love, so we'll see.



~Jack

yay zocora is gonna make an appearence but 1 question. how in the hay can a zebra use magic.

either way this story is: CHANGELING APPROVED

534892 Not true. You can cry silently.

Please note, that any appearance of danger, is merely a device to enhance your Equestrian experience.

Also: ... HOLY FUCK. I LIKED DIS.



Also, I keep thinking of Hlissner's map of Equestria and beyond.

http://hlissner.deviantart.com/art/Equestria-and-beyond-rev-8-1-253465186

535124 Ahem... Zecora... Remember? Alchemy is basically magic.

Plus they live south of Equestria, so maybe some unicorn traders?



~Jack

well my good sir if you continue to wright more chapters you will get the :moustache: so far good vary good keep it up!

...aaaaaand tracked. Liked.

535505
HOLY SHOOT!!!! If I had have seen that picture first, I would have used it.

535642
I just might have to because that monster is major bad ass right there.

535647 And killing it would make you one.

Hey, remember how the writers of echo the diamond dog and griffon the griffin teamed together and wrote there stories into each other, i wonder if they would let you enter as well, would be awesome if they did.

535653
What the heck was I thinking making him a tiger. Ha, if he could really kill that thing then that would kick him up into being a honey badger territory there

i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb317/Lord_of_Change/real-men-cry-1.jpg

real men can cry
they can cry because they don't care what others think of it
because they're men :moustache:

535724 But wouldn't he look weird and be slow as hell?

This is a really great story! Please Continue!:pinkiehappy:
Also, I have a question. If he (main character) is speaking "Zebrecian" then does that mean the "Equestrian"
language is different as well or is it just the writing style?:rainbowhuh:

Also, one more thing, your story has a lot of potential and I can only expect awesome things coming out of it!
:twilightsmile:

This is probably the most original plot to an HIE I have ever read and the best part is
It's really good!

Like the story so far, but the grammar needs work. I'll edit these chapters for you, then I'll send you a message when I have them completed.

534682 hey look buddy, im an engineer. that means i solve problems. not problems like what is beauty, cus' that would fall within the perveiws of your conundrums of philosiphy. i solve practical problems *takes swig*, for instance, how am i gonna stop som big mean mother hubbard from tearing me obstructuraly from my new behind? the answer? use a gun. and if that don't work, use more gun. like this little heavy calibur mounted number designed by me, built by me, and you best hope. not pointed at you. *POW POW POW CLANG CLANGCALNG CHHEEEWWW ..... BOOOM*:trollestia:

Really good story. :pinkiehappy: I will be waiting for the next chapter :twilightsmile:

535233 the traders seem more likely because alchemy is nothing like magic or enchanting

Ge musta

is it wired if i want to litsen to the breaking ponit so because of the tile :heart:

535505
:pinkiegasp:

I like this one better.
Still, story's pretty good.

Haven't seen anything that makes cringe yet, guess I'll stick around for the rest of the story. :pinkiehappy:

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