Pain! Why!? Why do I hurt so much? Why are my limbs so heavy? I slowly opened my eyes. All I saw was mud and lots of it about 4 inches from my face. “Wow, that was close.” I tried to raise my arms but then realized they were already above my head. Uh, so this is how Luke Skywalker felt when he woke up upside down after getting mauled in the face by a big snow monster. My face was killing me probably from the mud punching holes in Jimmy’s windshield and the glass cut me. I wouldn’t know for sure until I could look at myself in a mirror.
“Hey Jimmy! You all right, man?”
I look over and receive two of the biggest shocks of my life. The first one was a big furry mass of orange right next to my face and reflexively tried to move it out of my way when it moved and ended up smashing in to my eye. When it kept moving and I kept trying to swat at it, that’s when I realized that it was attached to me. Is that my arm!? As soon as I calmed down and managed to stop hitting myself in the face. I found out that it was my arm.
“What the…?”
As soon as I was able to look past this strange new member of my body, I saw the second biggest shock of my life. In the driver’s seat, where Jimmy used to be, hanging upside down was a mass of orange, black, brown and green. I couldn’t figure out what it was until it shifted slightly and moaned. WHAT THE… THAT IS JIMMY!! And he looks hurt pretty bad. Without thinking about it I reached up and unbuckled my seat belt. Bad idea! I forgot the car was still upside down. I had to half dig half fight my way right side up as best I could while sporting a headache to rival all migraines.
Once I was right side up, I got a better look at our situation. The whole driver’s side of the vehicle was caved in pretty bad with the windows smashed and filled that half of the car with mud.
First priority, get Jimmy down and see how he is. That’s when I got a better look at him. He has orange fur with black stripes coated in mud and this green fluid that seems to be leaking from multiple cuts on his body. It took me a second to realize that that was his blood. HOLY FREAKING COW! That’s a lot of blood! I reach for him and try to get him down but his buckle is jammed. I keep tugging as panic starts to really set in as I see just how hurt he is. I keep pulling and yanking, trying to break it! Nothing is working! Getting panicky and frustrated, I pull my arm back and hit the damn thing!
I barely had time to catch him when the seat belt gave way. I gingerly set him down on as level of a surface as I could, considering the floor used to be the roof of the car and it was full of mud and school supplies. I grabbed his backpack and used it as a back rest for him. We were quickly getting very cramped for space and, what I felt like, breathable air. That’s when I noticed that he had a massive head wound on his left side and that’s where most of the blood came from. I tore up the tattered remains of my shirt and tied it to his head trying to stop the flow of blood. I had no idea how much blood he lost, and had no idea how long we had been in there but we had to get out, and fast. The best place to start, I felt, was the back window of the little 4 runner.
“This is gunna be awkward buddy, sorry.” I said as I pushed all our gear up around him so I could have a good solid kick at the glass. I had to kick it three times before I got cracks in it. I had to kick another four times before I could reach over and start pulling the glass back. Once I got the glass moved out of the way, I had to try and dig us out. The best way was up and out. Unfortunately I had no place to stick the dirt except in the car with us. O well, can’t be helped. Luckily the soil was still pretty loose.
I dug at a furious pace for about ten minutes when the dirt all of a sudden gave way. I saw light and the air smelled sooo… great! I was beside myself with glee!
“Huzzah! Jimmy we’re gunna make!” I shouted as I renewed my efforts to widen the tunnel. I was finally able to squeeze myself out and I soon had the rest of the back hole uncovered. I had to remove quite a bit of mud from the inside of the car as well as most of our gear before I had enough room to get Jimmy out.
I noticed that the impromptu bandage I made was completely stained green and now was covered in mud as was everything else. This isn’t good we need to find some shelter. I looked around and tried to find the best way to go to look for shelter. We were in a ravine stuck between two very steep slopes and the only way out was up the very slippery looking sides. Well, up and out! I sling Jimmy across my shoulders and start climbing just as it began to rain again.
It took me over an hour of precious time, time that we didn’t have, to find a small cave that was out of the weather. Once I set jimmy down I rechecked his bandage and the bleeding still hadn’t stopped. I started to rip up his shirt for more bandages until I could find something better. He was starting to het cold. Fire, I need a fire! I ran back to the car and dug through everything. Thankfully I came across a road side emergency kit that had been buried in the mud but the contents were still clean. There was a small first aid kit, some water bottles, granola bars, a blanket and some roadside flares. I rushed back with my precious cargo trying to look for some dry wood somewhere to build a fire with. I found some and with my haul I made it back to the cave. I needed light so I lit the fire first by setting the wood in a pile and popping a flare.
Now I was able to see. After putting the blanket on him I removed the filthy wraps and began to clean. The more I cleaned the better I saw that he had dark orange fur with black stripes that started near the center of his face and streaked back and around his head, and all over his body. His face had elongated and the top of his head became lower with his ears sitting on top. His mouth now hat long sharp teeth and he had whiskers out the sides of his face. His hands and feet were paws but with longer fingers than a cat and a thumb. He was a freakin tiger! Needless to say this was wiredin me out because I too had the fur and claws. I had no Idea what my face looked like but as I was moving around I stepped backwards and hissed in pain. Man that hurt! I looked back and saw what I had stepped on. Poking out the bottom of my shorts was a freakin tail!
“Stop getting distracted!” I tell myself. As I was cleaning the cut I noticed that his head actually had an indent in the side where he had been struck. I felt completely helpless at this point. All I could do was finish cleaning it and hope that he woke up without much brain damage.
Once Jimmy was cleaned (mostly) and bandaged, I finally could take care of my wounds. From what I could tell, I had a nasty gash that went from the top of my left eyebrow down across the eye over my muzzle and ended near my lower jaw. The rest was all smaller cuts and bruising. I cleaned myself up as best I could and bandaged my eye like a pirate (I looked like a freakin bad ass). I noticed that I now had retractable claws that were as sharp as any knife I’ve ever owned. They came in useful when I was trying to cut strips for bandages. So I used them to cut a hole in the back of my shorts so I would’nt be sitting on my tail the whole time. The colors everywhere also seemed more vibrant even in the dim fire light. I swear everything seemed to have a faint outline to it including me and Jimmy.
The who, what, when, where, how and why questions flew around in my skull. I knew we weren’t in South Carolina anymore. But as to how we got turned into tigers, I had no idea. Wait, he..he he – Clemson .. tigers. The irony of the situation became apparent. If my mood wasn’t so sour I would have laughed my head off. I threw more wood in the fire. I realized just how exhausted I really was. My mind was numb from sensory overload and my eyes were starting to get heavy. I shook myself awake.
"No! I have to be awake to take care of Jimmy. Snap out of it!” Jimmy hadn’t moved this whole time, but I could still see him breathing. I was scared to death. What if he woke up and needed something and I wasn’t awake to get it for him. This and a hundred other thoughts fought in my brain for dominance as I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
“Wo, I did not just do that!” I jerked awake from my mind yelling at me. It was just beginning to be dawn as the world outside the cave grew lighter. I threw some more logs on the few coals and soon had the fire built back up. I looked over at Jimmy and noticed that his eyes where open. I sighed with relive until I noticed that they had a glassy look to them like he had a high fever and he was fidgeting like he couldn’t get comfortable. He looked and me and said one word.
“Water”
I jumped to his side and put one of the last water bottles to his lips as he drank like it was his last. I had to take it away and force him to slow down before I would let him continue to drink. As he was drinking I could feel the heat coming off of him. When he was done, he fell back asleep. I needed to find some more water and preferably some help.
Seeing that he was alright for the moment I got up and went outside. The sun was just over the horizon and what I saw truly took my breath way. The range of mountains we were in was truly majestic. The air almost seemed tropical. The landscape was completely covered in lush greenery with a mist hanging in the tree tops. The birds and insects were making a symphony of perfect ambiance. I stood there admiring the view and at the same time noticing the humidity and temperature start to rise. This is going to get miserable.
I shook myself out of my stupor and set off in search of water. As I trudged along (and trudging it was), I realized that my shoes (or what’s left of them) didn’t feel right and slowed me down. I took them off and noticed that my feet or paws I guess I should say, felt so much better without them. Hmm… it feels so right even though back home I couldn’t stand being in the forest without shoes. O well, I need water and get back quick.
I soon came across the most majestic waterfall I had ever seen. It started at a single point and then fanned out in to a gentle cascading wall as it then fell 25 ft. down into a pool of the clearest water I had ever seen.
“Perfect!”
I reached down and filled up the water bottles and taking a drink myself. It was light drinking pure sweet wet sunshine. I quenched my thirst and saw some fish in the pool. Wonderful! Dinner too! I sat there at the edge and tried to catch some fish with my paws, but that didn’t work out so well. I was getting frustrated and hungry and I needed to get back. Taking one last vengeful swipe at the fish who mocked my hunger, I was surprised when my claw caught one of them and flipped it on to the bank. Quickly recovering I jumped on it before it could wiggle back into the pool. With my prize and filled water bottle in hand I started back.
I was almost to the entrance of the cave when I heard a pained cry from inside. Dropping everything I rushed inside. Jimmy was thrashing about in incredible pain.
“Jimmy! Jimmy look at me!” I held a water bottle up and poured it onto his face. The shock of it calmed him down enough to drink. His fever had only gotten worse. I made him drink slow long drinks. I talked to him. I told him about the wonderful mountains we were in, the mess that his car is and how I don’t think his insurance would cover it. I told him to get better so we could see Bobby and tease him some more about his ridiculous little girls show. He chuckled over that one but soon stopped as the pain in his head got to him. He looked me in the eye and I could see them become clear like they were before this whole mess started. I could see the real Jimmy fighting through the haze of injury and fever.
“Thank you”
With that he closed his eyes and went to sleep. His breathing was slow and shallow. Two more times this happened in as many hours. The third time it happened he looked at me and smiled and once more said.
“Thank you my friend.” I could feel his paw weakening in my grip as he went to sleep, never to wake up.
I cried manly tears for my friend. I buried him in not too far from the waterfall. I had to dig the grave with my paws which was all I had and then I moved a big stone over the spot to mark his grave. I then went to the car still partially buried in the mud slide and took inventory of all I had.
There were both his and my backpacks. Mine held my laptop and projector and my iphone and the radio device for our robots. His held a couple engineering books that he was going to sell back. Not needing the books, I took those out. I fired up the laptop and thankfully it came to life. Thank God for Industrial strength shock proof computers. Yea I’m really hard on my electronics. My iphone worked but I couldn’t test the projector cause it required a plug. I took what was left of the road side kit and added it into a backpack. I went looking through his glove box and found a smith and Wesson .45 with two full clips. What the!?
A joke came to mind about the old lady who got pulled over and the cop saw a .22 sitting in her front seat. He then asked her to relinquish all firearms. She handed him the .22 then pulled a 9mm. from the glove compartment, a .45 from under her seat, a 38 special from the side door pocket and a tactical pump shotgun from the trunk. When the cop asked what she was afraid of, she said absolutely nothing.
The problem was that my paws were too big to hold and pull the trigger. Well that sucks. I decided to take it anyway. Maybe I could modify it later. I scraped whatever electronics I could off of what was left of the robots and decided it was time to head out. Where do I go from here?
North, yea, north sounds good.
I read through to the fourth chapter and saw your request for feedback. So I'll comment on this chapter, since it stuck out to me the most on what I'm about to say.
In general:
You change tracks too often. I get the feeling you're using run-on sentences (though I don't think you are). The long paragraphs add to this illusion. Each paragraph often contains multiple tracks of thinking/action/exposition, making me, the reader feel bounced about by the story. Also, overusing words like "was" and "were" is telling the reader what's going on rather than showing them. Not a good thing.
Specific:
Your hero seems exceptionally stoic about the changeover to a different race and losing his friend, not to mention being in a whole new world. Part of this is due to the multiple tracks thing. Maybe you want your hero to be really resilient and stoic, and maybe not. I saw him shouting a lot through the different situations, so I guess you want him not so strong-and-silent.
Suggestions:
Break up your paragraphs. Long paragraphs don't hurt, but make sure they don't have several barely-related things going on at once. Don't mix action, description, and dialogue in a paragraph any more than you have to. Cut out most of the "was" and "were," and take more words to write certain things, like how your main character reacted to his friend dying. Don't go from watching his friend die to burying him in one little sentence! Adding specific detail helps the reader be a part of the story.
Side note: Look up "sentence beginnings list" or something if you want to learn extra ways to format your sentences. Variety keeps readers happy, even if they can't tell what the difference is.
My suggestions are the kind that take years to fully incorporate into your writing, unless you have a really good editor. So don't feel overwhelmed as you read this, please. I'm still working on these things myself, believe me. Your writing, besides those things that stuck out to me, is quite good. I know I said add more specific detail, but you already have a good bit, enough to feel proud of yourself in your writing. Adding more will just help readers enjoy it as well.
You've got pretty good technical work. I didn't notice many typos, and for that I commend you. The whole thing feels a bit rushed, but once again that's mostly due to long unbroken paragraphs that feed me too much info without a space in which to process it before going to the next bit. I enjoyed reading this, though I didn't have enough time to full appreciate it before going into critique mode.
Keep writing! If this is your first endeavor, or even your tenth, you'll just keep getting better with practice.
O_O ...(no words can!)
PS: Manly Tears? there are no such things, either you cry or you dont (making wailing sounds is a choice)
adaptershack.com/m/files/www.gifsforum.com_images_gif_dis_20gon_20be_20good_grand_this_gon_b_gud_gif.gif
534892 Not true. You can cry silently.
i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb317/Lord_of_Change/real-men-cry-1.jpg
real men can cry
they can cry because they don't care what others think of it
because they're men
Chapter 2 and I can see that a lot of these problems are persistent. You need to take note of any rules I mention, and backtrack through your work to take care of them. Anything I haven't specified a reason for being wrong is something I have mentioned previously.
"Why?!" You can only have a ? or an !.
"4"
"Hey Jimmy"
"My face was killing me probably from the mud punching holes in Jimmy’s windshield and the glass cut me." - That is extremely awkward phrasing. Here's my best approximation of a fix. "My face was killing me, probably due to the fact that the mud punched holes in Jimmy's windshield, which sprayed glass everywhere."
"in to" - "into" in this case.
"Is that my arm!?" Thought processes need to be italicised. You also used "?!" again.
"WHAT THE… THAT IS JIMMY" - Block capitals are unproffessional.
"and filled that half of the car with mud." - "and half the car filled with mud."
Green blood? You are aware that green blood is found in molluscs and arthropods, right? No mammals have green blood unless they're suffering from a severe medical condition.
"I had to kick it three times before I got cracks in it." - First of all you said the window was already smashed. If even part of the window is broken, then a single hit would cause all the glass to smash as the structural integrity of the window would be comprimised. Secondly, your phrasing is awkward. "before cracks started to appear on it."
"He was starting to het cold" - "get cold."
"mouth now hat long" - "had long."
"whiskers out the sides" - "whiskers protruding out of the sides of his face."
"His hands and feet were paws but with longer fingers than a cat and a thumb." - "His hands and feet were paws, but with longers than a cat, and the hands featured a thumb."
"wiredin" - "wierding"
"freakin" - "freakin'"
"Idea" - wrongly capitalised.
" I tell myself." - Should be past tense here, "I told myself."
“Wo," - I think you mean "whoa"
“Water” - "Water."
"alright" - Technically, this is slang, so it shouldn't be used outside of speech. "all right." is the proper way to write it.
"were in was" - "were in were"
"O well" - "Oh well
"It was light drinking pure sweet wet sunshine." First of all I think you mean like instead of light. Secondly, this is a list, so: "It was like drinking pure, sweet, wet sunshine."
"cried manly tears" - This turns a sad moment into a funny one. I would have went with "many tears."
"him in not" - "him not"
"Industrial" - Shouldn't be capitalised.
"iphone" - Is a brand name, so should be capitalised. "Iphone"
"cause" - This isn't speech so you can't use slang. "because."
You have a big problem with commas, or lack of in this case. You should check up on comma rules and use them a lot more. Your sentences can be easily misconstrued, or just generally unreadable, at the moment. Thought processes should always be italicised too.
534531 Whelp, this isn't my story you're commenting on (obviously), and this comment was awile back. But just wanted to say thanks for doing this sort of thing for authors. It really helps when people point out things like that .=3
552080
You made a mistake. The phone is actually called the "iPhone". Umad grammar nazi?
“Thank you my friend.” I could feel his paw weakening in my grip as he went to sleep, never to wake up.
I cried manly tears for my friend. I buried him in not too far from the waterfall. I had to dig the grave with my paws which was all I had and then I moved a big stone over the spot to mark his grave.
camo.fimfiction.net/jX5QATInDDe0dZD1F-6cU-zoaz-SBnGMzg82Bes6gT0?url=http%3A%2F%2Fi210.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fbb317%2FLord_of_Change%2Freal-men-cry-1.jpg