All for the Cookie.
"Now be careful, Flash. It's cold out, and I haven't yet figured out the counterspell." Cadance waved a hoof to him. "I don't want you to get, erm, frostbite."
"It shouldn't be a problem, ma'am! I should have looked twice before eating the cookie. I had no idea it was, erm... laced with... what was it? Poison joke?" Flash blushed and hobbled away, making a muffled clanking sound as he did so and wincing with every step. "What... nevermind."
Cadance looked away. "Please, please don't tell anypony. Shining... nevermind." She fluttered her wings and closed the door. "Just please, stay warm. I'll send a guard for you when I have the counterspell figured out."
Flash nodded and continued his hobbling way through the cold corridors of the castle and down the steps. Staff gave him odd looks which he tried to ignore, but there wasn't any way he could hide the noise he made while he walked anymore.
If only he could make it home, he had a coil water heater imported from Canterlot that would keep him toasty warm through the cold Crystal Empire night. He only hoped that Cadance could come up with a counterspell before morning.
His jimmies were already feeling bruised, and the added weight was making him ache in ways that no stallion should ever have to feel. Groin centric agony was the least of his worries, however, if he got frostbite on the way home...
Just the thought of it set his wings to shivering.
"Maybe I can fly home?" But one glance at the banners flapping in the breeze said that higher level turbulence would likely have him dropping up and down like a ball on the end of a string.
And the thought of his balls doing the same thing...
"Nope. Can't do that." Already the chill was getting to him, and his normally robust pegasi resistance to cold found his one weakness.
"Damn you, Twilight Sparkle! Why do you have to send such delicious looking cookies to your brother! I couldn't resist taking a nibble!"
Only, the cookies had been sent to Cadance. Their smell had called to him from down the hallway, and he had been powerless to resist taking a nibble.
Luck had it that Cadance came around the corner at the same time and saw him taking a bite.
Her look of horror flickered through his mind once more, followed by her husband's swift rebuke. Shame set his cheeks aflame again, but Cadance hadn't blamed him, and said she would talk Shining Armor down from his angry assignment of latrine duty. He doubted it would happen... Shining was still plenty peeved from the move he'd made on Twilight after her return.
That is not something I would ever want to have happen again. A brother's fury at his advances had been bad enough, but a commanding officer's lambasting for hitting on royalty combined with a brother's fury had sent him on solo patrols around the city for months.
Resigned to latrine duty, with a nutsack full of cold misery, and a growing, terrible ache from his loins on down, Flash Sentry continued his hobbling way home.
"Maybe I should have asked for a blanket," he groaned, his nethers completely numb. A quick look at the boys said they weren't darkening... That's good. Still, every move he made sent a lance of numbness through his gut.
"Heat... not too fast." A moment's fiddling had the ancient coil heater burbling. He stood with his rear to the heater, tail lifted out of the way and hoping that the nosy Ms. Prissy wasn't going to choose that night to snoop through the blinds. He would never hear the end of it from his landlord.
"Why's she got to try and get under my flank like she does?" Prickles of heat started winding their way across his rump, but not fast enough. The numb feeling spreading from his nuts was spreading faster in the warmth of his house. "Why? Why does this make no feathering sense?"
He stamped a hoof, and immediately regretted it as the steel balls clacked together rather loudly and sent a sharp spear of pain lancing from tail to sternum.
Sucking in a breath, he settled his hackles and wings back down.
"Buckit... that hurt. Sweet Celestia, please take kindness on my poor balls of steel." He backed up further, and the prickles and the numbness grew more pronounced.
He backed up one last step, heard a clank that was far louder than the ones he was used to, followed by a piercing whistle.
Sweet Celestia...
The heat intensified a thousand-fold, searing into his flesh.
Then the screaming started.
"...heard him screaming in his apartment. Bloody murder, it sounded like. Then it stopped. But there was still that awful whistling noise."
What's going on?
"I'm glad you called us, Ms..."
"Prissy. I'm the landlord here. Will he be... alright?"
"Well..."
Flash tried to open his eyes, but something was covering them.
"It's not pretty down there, ma'am. But we'll do what we can." Hooves clomped closer, ringing on bare crystal.
That's odd... don't I have a rug?
"Crystal Needle, please... this poor bastard's been through enough."
"I'm not sure... I mean he's not awake, and—"
"'M awake..."
"Shit! Crystal, do it! Don't let him feel—"
Pain like he'd never known, but somehow familiar, tore up from his groin, clawing its way up his gut to his brain like a fire.
A lesser jab, nothing next to the pure white heat in his loins, presaged darkness... blissful darkness.
"Flash Sentry?"
The voice intruded on the inky darkness cushioning him, keeping him safe from... what?
"Flash?" The voice, definitely female, continued on. "He should be coming around soon. The meds should be flushed out of his system by now."
"Good..." Another voice, male. Familiar. Why? "Can you give us a few minutes alone?"
"Of course, my prince. Just ring the bell if you have need of anything."
"Cap—" That's not right. "My p-prince?"
"Shh. Relax, Flash. You're doing okay, but I wanted to be here first, to apologize..."
"Apologize?" Flash tried blinking his eyes. A white face came to him, familiar and concerned. Shining Armor was never concerned when he was around Flash. "Sir, what's wrong?"
"Calm down, but I do have to say... I would have let you marry my sister before I saw this happen to you. No stallion..."
Should I be panicking now? I feel like I should be panicking. "No stallion what?"
"I'm not sure how to say this..." Shining shook his head and shuffled his hooves. "When you got home, six nights ago, you had an accident and the relief valve on your heater got snapped off."
What was I doing six nights ago? Drinking at the bar? Wait... "Six nights?"
"That's how long you've been out. The doctors did what they could, but..." Shining Armor looked away and fiddled with the IV stand beside the bed. Whatever he wanted to say was locked away behind that shifting gaze.
"But what?" Flash pressed. Whatever was holding back his panic started to fade, and his heart began racing. "Sir, what? What happened?"
"Flash... at least you can say what no stallion ever will be able to."
"You had balls of steel."
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beautiful
Oh lord, I'm not 100% certain what happened, but I think my science courses told me enough to get the gist.
5220989 I know. I can't stop laughing either.
Oh God, you actually did it.
Welp, I know what I'll be competing with in the big ol' box soon enough...
Dat ending.
And... and these cookies were meant for Cadance?
I'm trying to find a reason for this, and am failing.
5221156
Enchanted cookies. Laced with poison joke. Irresistible. Cadance wanted them for Shining for... reasons.
I can't help reading the titular lines in the voice of Duke Nuke 'Em.
Wow this was demented.
5221172
Perhaps the poison joke could have been hinted at somewhere in the narrative? Because I was honestly baffled...
5221188
Good point. Fixed.
Had.
HAD.
HAD.
5221217
Well, once Cadance got the counterspell or talked to Twilight, he would have been back to normal. I left the ending open like that because I am weak.
5221235 So, flash didn't lose his nads? Oooooooooooor?
UUUUAAAAAARGGHHH!
5221239
I pretty much took that ending the same way you did, that Flash ended up a gelding.
5221239
I prefer to think not.
That moment when you realise why they wanted Shining to eat the cookies.
Yikes.
I'm sure the steel balls would've cooled and survived enough, just some nasty burning that should heal up. Magic should be able to sort out some skin. Poor flash.
5222081
Poison joke. It has different effects for every pony.
5222089
That's what I was thinking... and why I didn't explicitly reveal what happened after. I did kinda imply the worst outcome, though.
5222162
Yeah, I know. It's what I was getting at.
What would have happened if Shining ate the cookies? And why did they want him to? Sneaky Twilight and Cadance. Again, yikes.
The world may never know what happens when Shining ingests poison joke.
Funny story. I say you did well with the humor. I can't wait to read future stories from you. Good luck.
I am mad that I was not there to be a worse influence on you!
WOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTWOTISTHIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
5223072
This is taking TL chat way too literally.
5223107 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
5223114 Ah, I see that yet another poor soul has lost his evens.
Excellent work, Noble.
5223117 Oh, no. I lost my mind LOOOOOOOONG ago. This is just odd.
5223129 "Odd" you say?
Odd is just another word for weird, which is another word for abnormal, which is the opposite of normal (Not to be confused with the user, Normal). And, as we all know, normal is boring.
This barely coherent ramble is brought to you by sinus medication.
Sinus medication: making gingers babble incoherently since 1992.
5223150 OHMIGAWD, A FUTURE INCARNATION OF THE DOCTOR WHO IS GINGER AND LIKES BLOONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5223164
Bugger! How did he know?I mean - uh - The Doctor? The Doctor? I don't know who you're talking about, my name is John Smith and this is my compan - err, friend, Clara Oswald.
5223183 ...
...
*grabs the Key from Clara* LET ME COME WITH YOU, OR THIS GOES TO THE ANGELS!!!
lol
I can't stop laughing, but at the same time I'm curled up in a ball of imagined pain and sympathy.
Noone should go through that, but oh my god, that was hilarious.
I am so confused right now.
No, please no! Heck no! That should never happen, to anyone. Thats just horrific! Nope, I didn't read this what are you talking about? What flash fic? You never saw this comment.
5224384
There was a warning on the story. "Ogaudno"
5224503 But if I had listened to the warning I wouldn't have spent the last twenty minutes laughing and appreciating the fact that I still have my man parts!
Well, that was a piece of fuckery that I'm glad I read today. Please, take my like.
So, the Poisone Joke-d cookies gave Flash balls of steel, and he had to get them cut off.
What happened? Did he stick them into the fire by accident, or what?
Either way, this story is clearly a crackfic. Omitted my sides.
5224953
Par-broiled in steam. Also, poison joke does have an antidote, and once given, he wouldn't have balls of steel anymore, either. I let the reader decide whether he lost em or not.
Edit: And yes... my first crackfic that I intended to be cracky.
Well, all I can say is this...good luck growing those back.
I find this fic hilarious, great job writing it
5222162 And I'm fairly certain that for a Noble Knight of the Round Table like Shining, he'd become the most elegant of Princesses. Poison Joke has that tendency to play on who the pony is.
This is so cracky it creaks!
Also, *Crosses legs* OUCH!
Why am I even laughing this hard about this fic
5283993
Because it's ridiculous, stupid, and... ridiculous? I honestly had no idea it would get this much attention for something written in under an hour.
Wait a second... testicles aren't a mineral! The title is a lie!
In Saddle Arabia they'd cut off a hoof for that. And then probably shoot you, as these things typically go.
Crackrocks? Weed? Meth? Brown sugar? Oh god, don't tell me they were raisin and oatmeal cookies! You monster!
Begone you devil tongue, back to the foreign lands of which you originated!
33.media.tumblr.com/18dee1717c27fb0d15c7974b64149926/tumblr_nbidb5VwIR1qlfskbo1_r1_400.gif
5349679
Testicles are indeed a mineral if they are made of steel... literally.