Vinyl has been keeping a rather large secret from her fans. It's something she's had to deal with since birth. She keeps it a secret because she doesn't want to be viewed differently. She just wants to feel normal, even if its just for those few hours shes on stage. If they knew... she might have to give that up.
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Totally Awesome I say. ;)
posting a fic is never a bad idea. celestia knows my first fic didn't do too well. I liked the whole idea behind the fix. pretty good for a first one. though, the asterisks aren't necessary. you know, where you put action. "*giggle*" Instead, just put "she giggled" or " she said while giggling."
I hate that I'm typing this on mobile. anyway, just keep up the good work and keep improving.
Good one
Short sweet and a delight to read. Nicely done and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future.
Pretty good for a first fic.
Comments:
It felt like the middle of the fic was missing. There's an abrupt jump from Vinyl and Octavia talking to the reveal, the decision is blink-and-you-miss-it-fast.
Use 'single quotes' or italics for thoughts to distinguish them from your third-person narration.
A bit more explanation of Vinyl and Octavia's life and relationship would be nice.
5148106
5147417
Hmm, good advice, I'll definitely keep that in mind next time
Yeah, I guess I could have elaborated more. I was just afraid of making walls of boring filler. I always feel 'if its painful to write its painful to read.' Though I guess there is just some stuff I don't want to write, but still need to.
Wow! I was not expecting people to like what I wrote, this was a pleasant surprise.
I really adore this consept, i think it could be expanded a bit more, but other than that, nice work.
i liked it. it felt a little too short and it didn't feel like this stood out to much from other stories, but i still liked it.
for your first story this is really good
great work with the felling
This was great, the story was short and simple, just a quick look into one moment in a pony's life, but it didn't need to be long or complex.And I actually find myself rather enjoying the idea, I don't see many or really any stories about blind characters and I do think Vinyl makes an oddly good pick for this. Maybe it's because I'm not the best at grammar either but I think it looks fine, and if this is your first story I believe you did very well, and I'm interested what other ideas you might have.
Congrats and good luck with any future projects
Aww.... That's so sweet
My one criticism is that things could be slightly more detailed
But other than that.... 5 STARS! A+! TENOUTATEN!
I wish my first fic did this well. This is a good story!
I love the idea that Vinyl is blind; it makes a really good story and conflict for her as a DJ.
For a first fic, this was impressive. It actually didn't read like a first fic at all. A tad on the short side, but I'd say it worked here. Splendid job.
If this is supposed to be in the afternoon, it should be P.M. (Source)
5153352
Nice catch, fixed and Thank you. lol
This is good. Though funny fimfic glitch. It says you have 0 stories. Oh well. Keep writing my friend.
5155736
Whenever you're on the story page, it doesn't count it as one of the author's stories. So the number will be one less than the real number. No clue why it does that.
5156539
Interesting. I wonder why. Oh well. I did enjoy his story though.
This is a new concept of Vinyl that I've never seen. I love it!
Good concept, but I see where you can improve it.
For a one-shot (I assume this is a one-shot) It's pretty good. I think you showed your hand too quickly with the blindness thing. I think you could've dragged it out a little bit longer and give the readers a small glimpses of it before the big reveal.
Also, I think Vinyl broke down a little too quickly. It may be the "feather that broke the camel's back" but I think that it could be worked better. Then again, you're the writer, not me
Good job though!
I thought she was gonna be deaf ...
5157695
Wait, the blindness point is supposed to be a surprise? I guessed that instantly from the title, and I assume most everyone else would too. If that's the case, then it doesn't really matter when this point is introduced.
Very impressive. Especially considering it's your first fic. You get four moustaches and a spooky scary skeleton remixed for the fic
static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Spooky+scary+skeletons+namco+delayed+the+release+of+the+ivory_677cd3_5305942.gif
The ending feels a bit abrupt, and there's absolutely no build up to that reveal at all. I think a couple more chapters would have helped. It doesn't seem to address any of the reasons one might presume Vinyl would have for not revealing that she's blind and the crowd reaction doesn't seem realistic. I'd expect more than a few ponies to be really weirded out by that pronouncement and a few to have been entirely blind-sided.
Sorry? Are anyone's eyes transparent? I'm not sure what you're getting at here.
Writing something you want to is never a bad idea. I personally quite enjoyed it for it's length, worth a favourite any day.
5162052
Generally not, at least from a scientific standpoint. Technically your eyes are translucent and refractive, though the author likely meant the milky white that can occur in the blind, depending on the cause.
no offense to the fic or to you (I haven't even read this yet) but the title is a dead giveaway.
I have to admit, this is interesting...but I also have to admit, it feels unfinished, as if you have more you wanted to put into this, but didn't. What say you though?
5164030
Honestly, I know I could have made this a longer fic, but I didn't want to. I just wanted it to be a slice of life fic. If I made it super long it would just end up being a drawn out diary of Vinyl.
5162856
Lol yeah, i know. I wasn't really trying to make it a complete surprise like "OMG SHES BLIND?!?" I didn't come out and say it right away like "Vinyl is blind. here is her life" because I wanted it to just be a fact. A depiction of life through eyes of a blind person. Life just is. There is no big reveal to being blind in real life, you just go about your day. That is what I wanted to write. Life as it is for her. She just wakes up, does her thing, has to deal with hardships, and goes on stage.
Hey, This was a pretty awesome fic, Keep it goin'!
I started to read this, but had to stop. Rather than just close the story and move on, I thought I'd give you a bit of feedback on how to improve your writing.
The thing is: I have no idea if this is a good story or not, because it needs a fair bit of editing.
I would highly suggest that you italicize internal monologue, as in the first paragraph of the story, it seems to switch from first person to third back to first then back to third.
Confusing.
I'd suggest:
The second suggestion would be to drop the *action* tags. They might save time, but this is a story, not a chat room roleplay.
I would suggest something like:
This shows both her yawning, and also her internal monologue.
There are also a lot of instances, even in the first few paragraphs, of clunky or missing punctuation.
You also swap between using words and numerals, i.e. twelve thirty-five and Vinyl thinking about her show at 9. I would suggest picking one, and sticking with it. A lot of grammar conscious folk will say you should use words rather than numerals (as is my preference) but ultimately that will be up to you.
Not everyone is going to give a shit about grammar and punctuation, but there will be a lot of people put off by it. Not enough to downvote the story, but there will be quite a few people who will try read it, and then give up on it.
Take it from someone who needs help with his stories: a good editor can turn a good story into a great story.
The Proofreader Group is a great place to find a proofreader if you need one. If you are happy to wait, then the Overly Extensive Editors group is also a good resource, I have been led to believe.
Cheers,
Anonymoose
5162690
Ah. That would make her eyes whitish though, not red.
5166411
Lol good tips. Like I said, I'm terrible at grammar. The reason I used *action* is because I'm really only used to writing green texts, but you're right, this needs a different type of text.
If this is all I need to work on I can live with it. Thanks for the advice anon
5166973
Not a problem. And hey, we all have to start somewhere.
I've got the fic in my read later list, so if you do get it edited, I'll come back later and have another look.
Good luck, and above all else, have fun writing!
Pretty good! I liked the concept a lot, and the first half is very enjoyable. It gets a bit rushed after Octavia shows up, though, and it becomes more of a series of events than it does a story. Still, I like how you write Vinyl, and having her hidibg her secret from everyone was pretty fun. I'm a sticker for those "big, juicy, hidden secret" stories.
A really solid first effort.
here is my critics: Awesome! a litle short for my taste
but awesome 
Interesting premise. I'ld be more than happy to help with editing this. A very good first try, though with room for improvement.
Me thinks you could expand upon this, flesh it out more, perhaps even add some chapters. Whenever you feel confident.
For a first, you sure did bucking amazing!
MOAR!!!
Blind Vinyl... LOVE IT!
5170987 not bad, but having red eyes doesn't mean that you are blind, yea you might need glasses, but overall this is a great story. It gets a like.
5173714 She said she was blind... and I don't know why you are telling me.
5173722 I just needed someone for me to go off on a tangent on. Thanks anyway.
5167291 sequel?
5173728 Wasn't much of a tangent and the whole point of the story was that she was blind through it all, yet she didn't let it limit her. She was pressing forward without complaint or sympathy to prove she was just as normal as everyone else even without her sight. She even went beyond that by wanting to be the best regardless what her condition is... and that's something that I admire about her as a character.
5173770 I also admire that about her character. I may not have a disability to relate to this, but I am slightly insane. SLIGHTLY!
I liked this story.
5173743 not necesary a sequel... i just whish it last more
(but a sequel will be very apritieited too 
)
5173952 come on! all of US watch and read things about magical equines. Of corse you an the rest of US are... complite fine in mental and emocional state...
I think... 
5176811 Does having a conversation with the part of my personality that is a sadistic, snarky, deceptive, bastard in my dreams count as being slightly insane?