Sunset Shimmer, The Burn Master

by Between Lines

Let me tell you how I got my cutie mark...

None tried to stop her. Even the changeling captains stationed outside shuffled away, yielding to her air of authority. Her sunglasses gleamed in the light of a new dawn, and with a flash of her horn, Sunset Shimmer pushed open the doors to the great hall. Within, Chrysalis sat upon her newly defiled throne, an audience of her cocooned foes bearing witness to her triumph.

And soon, to her imminent defeat.

"Hey, hoof-stain! I've got a bone to pick with you." Sunset stood on her hind legs, folding her front across her chest, the naked morning light shining through the shattered stained glass windows. "Not that you'd know anything about that."

"And who are you?" Chrysalis stood up, eyes searching for her guards. "How did you get past my army?"

"Because unlike some bitches, they know when to run." She flipped her sunglasses down just enough to look Chrysalis in the eyes.

"Big words from such a small pony." Chrysalis sat back and smirked. "Go on then, do your worst."

"I ain't small," Sunset muttered, a smirk playing across her own features. "But then, I guess everything looks tiny with an ass that fat."

"Oooooooh." Muttered the crowd of coocooned ponies.

"I... excuse me?" Chrysalis blinked, her eyes narrowing.

"You are excused. Damn! So that's where the smell's coming from!" Sunset made a show of waving her hoof in front of her nose. "And here I thought your legs really were some stank-ass cheese!"

"Ooooohhh!" Cried the ponies cocooned in the room.

"Oh, very cute." Chrysalis drawled, her scowl turning to an imperious frown. "Go back home. Your mother needs to touch up your mane."

"Oooohhh," whispered the ponies.

"Yeah, and your rats need to touch up yours." Sunset shot right back.

"Oooooohhh!"

"You...!" Chrysalis flushed with fury, before settling her features and rising from her throne. "If that's how you want to play, child, very well." She sauntered a slow circle around Sunset, flicking her nose with her tail. "Let's see how the foal plays with the big girls."

"So, what?" Sunset flicked her own tail right back in Chrysalis's face, not even turning to look at her. "You gonna make my fat jokes for me now?"

"Fat jokes? Is that the best you can do?" Chrysalis swiped a hoof at Sunset's mane. "Maybe that cheap dye job soaked into your brain."

"Ooooohhh!" Went the audience.

"Look who's talking. Though, I guess swamp water isn't technically dye." Sunset grinned as the crowd reeled beneath the sickness of her burns.

"I guess you'd know," Chrysalis purred, changing tack. "But then, I don't spend every morning styling my tail for lifting~"

"Ooooooohhhh!" Howled the crowd, the volume rising.

"Maybe not, but tell me, how does it feel knowing all your boys are rentals, Cadenza?"

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!" The crowd went absolutely nuts.

"Enough of this!" Chrysalis' horn blazed to life, an instant before she was punted out the window by a combined blast of blue, teal, purple, and gold light.

"Thanks for the distraction, Sunset." Twilight flicked her wings disgustedly, trying to flap off the remaining goop that clung to them. "Uuuuggh, this stuff is worse than paste."

"Truly it is a foul substance." Luna winced as she tugged at her mane, its many stars drenched in mucous and wax. "I will be showering for the next fortnight if thou needest me."

"Thank you Sunset." Celestia smiled, before immediately blanching and spitting out the cocoon stuff she'd gotten in her mouth. "Blegh. Ugh. You truly came through for us when we needed it most."

"It was no problem." Sunset took off her sunglasses, staring at them longingly. "I forgot how much I missed a good smackdown."

"Truly, to raise thy wits against Chrysalis was a worthy challenge." Luna stated, prompting Sunset to burst into laughter.

"Princess," she said, whipping on her sunglasses. "Her skill is so low, she's airborne and I still can't see it."

"OOOOOOOHHHHH!" Went the crowd, everypony lapsing into excited clapping and howling.

After a few minutes, the roar ebbed for an awkward silence.

"So, uh," Twilight began, scratching her mane. "What are you..."

"Oh, uh, yeah, I should..." Sunset made to leave. "I've got midterms coming and..."

"No! I mean, uh, you don't,,," Twilight cleared her throat. "I mean, you're welcome to stay..."

"No, I really should..." Sunset turned, Twilight awkwardly stopping her with a hoof.

"No, you deserve... like, a banq--" Twilight blinked as Celestia made a frantic cut-off motion with her hoof. "Luncheon? Like, a celebratory luncheon?"

"I think this Sunset has earned a proper banquet!" Luna announced at her typical outdoor-indoor voice. "Truly she is worthy of a most heroic reward."

"Luna!" Celestia hissed, facehoofing. "We can't afford a banquet."

"What do you mean we can't afford a banquet?" Twilight asked, all innocent confusion.

"We, ugh." Celestia heaved a sigh. "We've been trying to improve Equestria's defenses. For," --she glanced around-- "obvious reasons, but it turns out our new guard quartermaster was less than honest with his finances. In retrospect promoting a pony named Back Stab to the position might have been a mistake."

"Celestia!" Twilight gasped. "I never thought you were a namist! Shame on you!"

"Oh give it up, Twilight!" Celestia snapped. "My name is Celestia for buck's sake! My sister is Luna! Cadance sings well! Shining Armor's a guard! Name profiling works!"

"My entire life is a sham." Shining whimpered from the ruins of his cocoon, and his identity. "D-did my parents know? Was this their plan?"

"Shhhhh, it'll all be alright." Cadance cooed beside him. "We can get you a new name if you like."

"R-really? Could I be... Corn Dog?" He looked up at her, eyes as hopeful as a puppy's.

"We'll... talk about it. Later." She hugged him again, adding under her breath. "Later like never."

"It still isn't right!" Twilight shouted, completely ignoring her brother's existential crisis. "You can't just pigeonhole ponies because of a few coincidences!"

"A few?" Celestia waved a hoof. "They're all coincidences! All of them!"

"Everypony!" Sunset shrieked, bringing the room to dead silence. "I know where we can have lunch."

---

In the cafeteria of Canterlot High, Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna stared blankly at a table full of their identical twins.

"I really, really want a transfer," Luna muttered.

Comments

[Sauron]

imprisioned

*imprisoned

*First*

[Meridian Prime]

This is gold.

[Albi]

Mad man. That's all I have to say to you.

[Between Lines]

4953860 Would you be interested in work as a proofer?

[Seether00]

Oh snap!

[The Letter J]

This was surprisingly amusing, considering that it's mostly just Sunset and Chrysalis insulting each other.

And is this supposed to be tagged as being incomplete? Because it feels like it's probably complete.

[JustAnotherTimeLord]

So . . . you got any more stories to release?

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

I died.

[Between Lines]

4954138

*clears throat, changes settings*

I have no idea what you mean.

[PandoraChild]

4953911 I don't know if he would, but I'd take you up on that offer!

Loved the story. Hilarious :)

[Sauron]

4953911
Perhaps... for you?
To be honest, I typically point out a few of the typos and grammar mistakes in the stories I read. But if you want me to proofread your stories thoroughly, I could.

[Sauron]

4953911

"Ooooohhh! Went the audience.

You forgot a quotation mark there.

"Truly she art worthy of a most heroic reward."

Here you fell into the trap of trying too hard to sound Luna-y. "Art" conjugates with Thou, not She. It would be "she is".

"We can get you a new name if you like?"

I don't think you need a question mark there. Though I guess if this is one of those "saying a statement as if it were a question" things, you wouldn't be wrong.

"Everpony!" Sunset shrieked

*Everypony

And that's all. Honestly, good work. Usually authors have more mistakes than that in their work.

[Between Lines]

4955969 Thank you, fantastic catches all.

[Sauron]

4956334
Does this mean I can be your official proofreader?

[howard035]

This was awesome on every level. I support Corn Dog Armor's new life choice, and I will start using the word "namist" all the time.

[Between Lines]

4956555 You're doing a bang-up job so far!

Don't know if you want to wade through "Everything you Wanted" though.

[EldritchNexus]

Nice story! I had a couple good laughs!

I think you might like my own story, which is also about Sunset Shimmer battling Changelings. It's called Sunset Eclipsed.

[Between Lines]

4957036
Well, since you had the unrepentant gall to hawk your own story on the page of mine...

...I'll be sure to give it a look!

[ForSpite]

I actually found the second half of the chapter, after the insult contest ended, significantly funnier.

If Celestia's a namist, then is it possible Shining Armor only got his position because of his name?

[Between Lines]

4966635

Yeah, I honestly agree with you. I find that I enjoy taking traditionally zany settings, then turning them into the more banal dysfunctionality.

[CaraCitrine]

This is an excellent piece of writing. 11/12.

[Aurora Dimmet]

I'd name my foal Automatic Success.

[Blitz the Dragon]

Me throughout most of this:

[Philosophysics]

*Cough*

Hello, I'll be your psychiatrist today. My name is God Of Physics, but please call me Philosophysics.

I hear you're having a mid-life crisis, Shining Armor? I may call you that right?
(Dodges Muffin)

Princess Cadenca Mi Amore, please restrain your husband till he can converse in a civilized manner.

Now you, Principal Luna...

[Between Lines]

5351297 This is literally the clip I was thinking of when I wrote this.

[Blitz the Dragon]

5354234 Great minds think alike, it seems.

[Between Lines]

WHY DID THIS STORY GET SO POPULAR?

[Neko Majin C]

"I forgot how much I missed a good smack down."

"Smackdown" is one word.

For,"--she glanced around--"obvious reasons, but it turns out our new guard quartermaster was less than honest with his finances.

There should be spaces between the emboldened section and the quotation marks. Because the open-quote before "obvious" is positioned like a close-quote.

Funny. I liked it. Will Friendship is Witchcraft ever die?

To paraphrase the Wu Tang Clan: "Sunset Shimmer ain't nothing to f with."

As Winston Churchill said, "KBO."

[Between Lines]

5360940 Fixed, thanks for the catches, and the enjoyment!

[Ita-Ita]

This was way too fun. Great work.

[seventeen]

"We can't afford a banquet."
"I really, really want a transfer," Luna muttered.

Name profiling. Sunset inviting them all back to have lunch at school instead of having a feast in her honor is priceless.

I can't say I loved all the burns, nor the repetitive nature of the ponies going "oooh" at everything, but the flow is pretty good. And the fact the story comes down to Sunset actually serving as a distraction. Fun stuff ^__^

[darkstone57]

I loved it. Well done :)

[psvitafanboy222]

Sunset's good, but she's no supa hot fire.

[ArtieStroke]

Someone send Shining to a psychiatrist, please

[wlam]

"Celestia!" Twilight gasped. "I never thought you were a namist! Shame on you!"

"Oh give it up, Twilight!" Celestia snapped. "My name is Celestia for buck's sake! My sister is Luna! Cadance sings well! Shining Armor's a guard! Name profiling works!"

[AvoidingFever17]

I think starlight has competition with the smug levels sunset is putting here