A year after Princess Twilight's coronation, a guard interrupts a conversation between her, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna. "Changelings! Queen Chrysalis and her Changelings are right outside Canterlot!"
"Really? What are they doing?"
"Um...they're...they're just waiting...politely..."
"Well, then. Please tell them that I will be with them shortly."
"What?!"
Of Changelings and Alicorns: in which Twilight learns something new.
Chapters that look like ***chapter name*** have been edited since they were first published. I would advise, if you haven't read the new versions, you should do so.
Character list may change as the story goes on.
Currently marked as "On Hiatus" because of school and writer's block.
Cover art credit goes to Bico!
Chapters (3)
I am intrigued
Please continue........
2461479
Working on it
Can you guess who the picture is?
2461529 I have no idea,
maybe twilight?
2461563
Nope!
2461573 ohhh Queen Chrysalis.
2461576
Also, can you think of a better category for this? I don't really think Slice of Life works that well, but none of the others seem to fit either...
2461580 I'm an idiot....
How did I not see the hole in her horn?
2461590
It's fine, don't worry
I'm good at catching mistakes, I'm willing to be an editor for you.
2461603
Yay!
My major concern with this is that the dialogue sounds like everypony is about 12 years old. The sentence structures are very choppy, simple, and repetitive. You seem to dwell on some details that really aren't interesting or important (why the debate on what Chrysalis' hive is called, for instance? It has no relevence to the story that they don't know what they call it, and it's not handled in the manner of a joke, so it just makes the characters sound stupid that they don't know that, especially since Celestia and Luna are implied to be related somehow). The core concept is great, if it's going where it seems to be, but you really need an editor badly.
2461733
Thanks for that. I have an editor now; I'm hoping that will help.
This is one of those stories where I have an idea, I like the idea, I just have trouble, when writing it down, with actually making it good. It annoys me.
2461733
I've edited it some, could you look it over again?
Also, where do you think it's going?
Interesting start. You have my attention.
Based on what Celestia and Luna said, it sounds like they were once Changelings as well, and that changelings are a larval stage to an alicorns life cycle.
Do continue.
As a general suggestion, either indent your paragraphs or put an extra space between them. This will help with the flow and readability of your chapters.
2462179
...I will not confirm or deny that statement.
And sorry, I meant to but I forgot. Thanks!
Um....In Feed stand, there is a new Chapter for this Story, but then if i click on it, stands there that i need a Password!
2462247
I don't know why it says there's a new chapter. I'm working on one, and it should be done fairly soon, but it's not published yet. Weird...
Well, it says this:
kyttypony posted a new chapter of Of Changelings and Alicorns · 6:18pm 4h, 45m ago
Transformation · 995 words
2462297
o.0
Interesting you catched my attention
That seems like an awkward place to end it. That felt like a transition to another scene within the same chapter, not the end of the chapter as a whole. That makes the chapter feel incomplete; your readers feel like they've been cheated. In addition, because it's the first chapter, we don't have enough to go on to tell if this story is worth sticking around for. I hate it when authors do that.
2461814
It feels more readable. There are still some spots I would say are... awkward. I'll give you an example:
First off, just taking this excerpt, could you tell me who's speaking where? Even knowing that Twilight and Celestia were talking, the fact that there are five consecutive paragraphs of just dialogue with no indication of who is speaking makes it very difficult to keep track of it. Not only that, when you do indicate that Luna has suddenly joined the conversation, I have no idea who is responding to her. For that matter, if I didn't know that both Celestia and Twilight were already in the loop about it, I wouldn't necessarily know that Luna was the one who responded in that last line. Aside from the fact that people are going to have to think really hard to keep who's talking straight, we're also somewhat blinded by having so much dialogue with no descriptive narrative. I have no idea what the characters are doing or feeling. I have no idea how Queen Chrysalis or the guards are reacting to the situation. It's all just an empty stage with voices coming from nowhere, you could say. Another thing I think makes this a bit awkward is that the exposition is actually way too stretched out. Generally, your audience won't care too much about your exposition except as a way of understanding the premise of your story as quickly as possible.
I'll give you an example of how I would have written this section to make it flow a bit better:
Then, of course, I would have excised the immediately following summary of A Canterlot Wedding because your audience already knows that and Luna can find out the details on her own time. Basically, you can skip right down to Celestia's "You will" and continue on from there. You see, though, how that section conveys need-to-know information more concisely without having to rely on tedious back-and-forth, as well as giving us an idea as to how the dialogue is being said as well as what is being said. You may note that it also establishes the tension of the changelings before Queen Chrysalis even gets the chance to speak, so we know how nervous they are already. This section was probably the worst example, but these same principles I think could be applied to the rest of the chapter and would vastly improve the overall quality.
As for what I think is going on, I feel you've made it quite clear that, as Fimbulvinter said, changelings are supposed to be some kind of larval form of alicorns. I've heard the idea of Chrysalis actually being a corrupted kind of alicorn, but never the entire race. It would be somewhat odd to have the number of alicorns go from four to thousands, but depending on how it's explained it could work (perhaps the adult alicorns except for Celestia, Luna, and possibly Cadance were all wiped out due to Discord and only now after one thousand years are their remaining children reaching maturity?). So, yeah, I think I have an idea of the general direction you're thinking, but there's plenty you can do with it.
2462743 Good points. Thank you very much for your tips!
Also, that is a very awesome rewrite of those lines. May I use it?
2462470 Thanks!
2462487 Sorry.
2463019
Be my guest. I wrote it solely to help you out.
2463066
Thank you!
Huh...
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Im sorry.
I laughed too much.
Well, that was unexpected...
2465835 2465528
Actually, I've been leading up to it in the first chapter. Two people got it.
2462743 2462179
By the way, you guys were right.
2465915
I just didn't think you will go into something so blant
2465528
p much me right now...
You may want something more along the lines of "I thought that was amazing," she said approvingly.
2467247
Thank you.
2466267
What does blant mean?
2467531 Probably meant "blunt".
2467588
That makes sense.
Alicorn attack!
2477087
Definitely.
So that's where all the OC alicorns come from!
2509483
That...makes sense!
Holy shit this is Fucking mind explosion of awesome proportion.
2511093 Thanks!
2511195one question when is this going to be continued.
2511334
It's still being continued, don't worry. The next chapter is just being written more slowly because of homework. Sorry about that!
This is what happens when I get left alone with emoticons. Sorry.
2513953
2513986 Another
for you!