Changelings
Of Changelings and Alicorns
by kyttypony
Chapter One: Changelings
Twilight, Celestia, and Luna were having a discussion. It was about taxes, so it was certainly pretty boring. But since Twilight had had some ideas that might make the system more efficient, they were all making an effort to stay awake and try to discuss her plan.
"So I was thinking, if we -" Twilight was interrupted by the door slamming open.
"Princesses! Princesses!" A guard raced in, panting slightly from his dash through the halls.
"What?" Twilight asked.
"Changelings! Queen Chrysalis and the Changelings are right outside Canterlot!"
"What?!" Twilight shouted. Hadn't they defeated the Changelings the last time they came? Why were they coming back? Were they trying to invade again?
Luna, in contrast, was perfectly calm. Of course she was, she hadn't been there at the wedding...She turned to the guard. "Yes? What are they doing?"
The guard coughed. "They're...the changelings are...they're just, um, waiting...politely...outside the city...But...But the citizens are terrified! Also, they're Changelings! CHANGELINGS!"
Celestia smiled at the guard. "Let them know that we will come to meet them very soon."
Eyes wide, the pegasus nodded. He turned and raced away to give his message to the Changelings.
"WHAT?!" Twilight couldn't believe it. Celestia was treating what was probably another invasion like it was nothing! The Changelings were probably being polite as some sort of trick! "Why did you - do you - why?! What?!"
Celestia chuckled. "I believe there are some things that you have yet to learn about Alicorns, Twilight." Glancing at Luna, she grinned knowingly.
"...like what?"
"I think it would be better to show you rather than tell you, especially since a demonstration will be so soon." Celestia stood up. "Twilight, Luna and I are going to go meet the Changelings now. I would appreciate it if you would come, but if you don't want to, that's fine."
Twilight nodded fervently. "Of course!" If the Changelings had anything to do with the thing about Alicorns that she didn't know, she wanted to know.
Celestia grinned. "Excellent!"
As the three trotted down the hallways and through the city, Twilight couldn't help asking Celestia about what she had said. Several times. Well...maybe a bit more than several.
"Celestia?"
"Yes, Twilight?"
"What do I not know about Alicorns?"
"For the fiftieth time, Twilight, couldst thou just be patient and wait to see it thyself?!" Luna exclaimed in frustration.
"...Okay, fine..."
"Ah, here we are."
Celestia, Luna and Twilight were at the front gate. Just outside Canterlot were at least two thousand Changelings. Each one's chitin, as opposed to their normal gleaming black, was now a pale grey, slightly yellow hue that definitely did not shine in the sunlight piercing through the clouds. They didn't seem very comfortable with the physical reminder of their invasion and defeat looming directly in front of them - either that, or they were uncomfortable in their own skin. Standing at their front was Queen Chrysalis, chitin as pale as the rest, who was fidgeting nervously.
Eyes widening, Twilight gasped. "That's a lot of Changelings!"
"Yes, it is,” Celestia agreed, taking in the bustling sea of pale insectoids before them. “When they invaded, only Queen Chrysalis and the soldiers came. However, these are all of the Changelings from their hive."
Twilight continued to gape at the overwhelming crowd, her jaw slackened in awe. "Why are they all here?"
With a beneficent smile and a wave of her wing, Celestia gestured across the field, causing the changelings to grow quiet and their queen at the forefront to stand a little straighter, as if coming to attention before a superior military officer. “Do you see how their carapaces are pale instead of black as they were when they invaded?”
"The Changelings invaded?" Luna interjected with a frown.
Celestia opened her mouth, at a loss for words for a moment. "Oh, right. It happened during Cadance's wedding; you were indisposed at the time." She giggled self-consciously. “I guess we never did get around to telling you. Sorry, sister. They only did it because they weren’t ready, you know, like we did. Now that they look like this, I know they are ready, and they shouldn’t do it again.”
Twilight rolled her eyes in exasperation. “I still don't understand. Ready for what?!”
"You will understand, Twilight. Don't worry," Celestia chuckled, stepping through the front gate to an ashamed-looking Queen Chrysalis.
"Chrysalis?"
"I'm sorry! I was impatient, I wanted it to happen now, I didn't want to wait...Please don't not let us change because you're mad at us!"
Celestia smiled warmly. "Don't worry. I understand."
"You do?" Not believing what she was hearing, Chrysalis stared hopefully at Celestia.
Luna grinned. "Of course! Did you think I have never done something like that? I remember when Celestia and I weren't quite ready yet...I think it's happened to every one of us."
"What are you talking about?" Twilight was completely confused.
"Well, except for Twilight here. She was an unusual case," Celestia added.
"What?"
Chrysalis frowned. "Wasn't she the one who ruined my wedding? I really don't remember her having wings."
"YOUR wedding?!"
Celestia chuckled. "You're right. Actually, she used to be a unicorn."
"How did she...Is that even possible?" Chrysalis asked, surprised.
"Could you guys stop talking about me like I'm not here?"
"Like I said," Celestia replied, "Twilight was a special case. But she isn't the reason you and your hive have come to Canterlot, is she?"
"No, she isn't. Can we get to the caverns now?"
"You mean the place where you trapped me?" Twilight asked.
"Of course. We should take the outside entrance - I'm sure we've shocked the citizens enough as it is without having their former invaders actually going into the city."
Celestia strode to a particular large bush and lifted it with her magic to reveal a hidden trapdoor. She motioned to Chrysalis, who hesitantly walked over and placed her hole-filled hoof in a circular indentation near the door. In response to her action, it swung open, and her eyes lit up in excitement.
"All Changelings in here!" Luna called.
Celestia, Luna, and Twilight got out of the way of the Changelings, including Chrysalis, who were stampeding into the now-open trapdoor. Luna chuckled. "So impatient..."
Twilight stamped a hoof in frustration. "What is going on?!"
Celestia smiled. "You'll see. Soon. Follow me!" Striding down the stone stairs, she led the way down through the secret entrance, Luna and Twilight trailing behind her.
"Luna? Can you tell me what's going on?"
Luna giggled. "Nope, sorry!"
"Aargh!"
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I am intrigued
Please continue........
2461479
Working on it
Can you guess who the picture is?
2461529 I have no idea,
maybe twilight?
2461563
Nope!
2461573 ohhh Queen Chrysalis.
2461576
Also, can you think of a better category for this? I don't really think Slice of Life works that well, but none of the others seem to fit either...
2461580 I'm an idiot....
How did I not see the hole in her horn?
2461590
It's fine, don't worry
I'm good at catching mistakes, I'm willing to be an editor for you.
2461603
Yay!
My major concern with this is that the dialogue sounds like everypony is about 12 years old. The sentence structures are very choppy, simple, and repetitive. You seem to dwell on some details that really aren't interesting or important (why the debate on what Chrysalis' hive is called, for instance? It has no relevence to the story that they don't know what they call it, and it's not handled in the manner of a joke, so it just makes the characters sound stupid that they don't know that, especially since Celestia and Luna are implied to be related somehow). The core concept is great, if it's going where it seems to be, but you really need an editor badly.
2461733
Thanks for that. I have an editor now; I'm hoping that will help.
This is one of those stories where I have an idea, I like the idea, I just have trouble, when writing it down, with actually making it good. It annoys me.
2461733
I've edited it some, could you look it over again?
Also, where do you think it's going?
Interesting start. You have my attention.
Based on what Celestia and Luna said, it sounds like they were once Changelings as well, and that changelings are a larval stage to an alicorns life cycle.
Do continue.
As a general suggestion, either indent your paragraphs or put an extra space between them. This will help with the flow and readability of your chapters.
2462179
...I will not confirm or deny that statement.
And sorry, I meant to but I forgot. Thanks!
Um....In Feed stand, there is a new Chapter for this Story, but then if i click on it, stands there that i need a Password!
2462247
I don't know why it says there's a new chapter. I'm working on one, and it should be done fairly soon, but it's not published yet. Weird...
Well, it says this:
kyttypony posted a new chapter of Of Changelings and Alicorns · 6:18pm 4h, 45m ago
Transformation · 995 words
2462297
o.0
Interesting you catched my attention
That seems like an awkward place to end it. That felt like a transition to another scene within the same chapter, not the end of the chapter as a whole. That makes the chapter feel incomplete; your readers feel like they've been cheated. In addition, because it's the first chapter, we don't have enough to go on to tell if this story is worth sticking around for. I hate it when authors do that.
2461814
It feels more readable. There are still some spots I would say are... awkward. I'll give you an example:
First off, just taking this excerpt, could you tell me who's speaking where? Even knowing that Twilight and Celestia were talking, the fact that there are five consecutive paragraphs of just dialogue with no indication of who is speaking makes it very difficult to keep track of it. Not only that, when you do indicate that Luna has suddenly joined the conversation, I have no idea who is responding to her. For that matter, if I didn't know that both Celestia and Twilight were already in the loop about it, I wouldn't necessarily know that Luna was the one who responded in that last line. Aside from the fact that people are going to have to think really hard to keep who's talking straight, we're also somewhat blinded by having so much dialogue with no descriptive narrative. I have no idea what the characters are doing or feeling. I have no idea how Queen Chrysalis or the guards are reacting to the situation. It's all just an empty stage with voices coming from nowhere, you could say. Another thing I think makes this a bit awkward is that the exposition is actually way too stretched out. Generally, your audience won't care too much about your exposition except as a way of understanding the premise of your story as quickly as possible.
I'll give you an example of how I would have written this section to make it flow a bit better:
Then, of course, I would have excised the immediately following summary of A Canterlot Wedding because your audience already knows that and Luna can find out the details on her own time. Basically, you can skip right down to Celestia's "You will" and continue on from there. You see, though, how that section conveys need-to-know information more concisely without having to rely on tedious back-and-forth, as well as giving us an idea as to how the dialogue is being said as well as what is being said. You may note that it also establishes the tension of the changelings before Queen Chrysalis even gets the chance to speak, so we know how nervous they are already. This section was probably the worst example, but these same principles I think could be applied to the rest of the chapter and would vastly improve the overall quality.
As for what I think is going on, I feel you've made it quite clear that, as Fimbulvinter said, changelings are supposed to be some kind of larval form of alicorns. I've heard the idea of Chrysalis actually being a corrupted kind of alicorn, but never the entire race. It would be somewhat odd to have the number of alicorns go from four to thousands, but depending on how it's explained it could work (perhaps the adult alicorns except for Celestia, Luna, and possibly Cadance were all wiped out due to Discord and only now after one thousand years are their remaining children reaching maturity?). So, yeah, I think I have an idea of the general direction you're thinking, but there's plenty you can do with it.
2462743 Good points. Thank you very much for your tips!
Also, that is a very awesome rewrite of those lines. May I use it?
2462470 Thanks!
2462487 Sorry.
2463019
Be my guest. I wrote it solely to help you out.
2463066
Thank you!
Im sorry.
I laughed too much.
This is what happens when I get left alone with emoticons. Sorry.