Let me tell you how I got my cutie mark...
None tried to stop her. Even the changeling captains stationed outside shuffled away, yielding to her air of authority. Her sunglasses gleamed in the light of a new dawn, and with a flash of her horn, Sunset Shimmer pushed open the doors to the great hall. Within, Chrysalis sat upon her newly defiled throne, an audience of her cocooned foes bearing witness to her triumph.
And soon, to her imminent defeat.
"Hey, hoof-stain! I've got a bone to pick with you." Sunset stood on her hind legs, folding her front across her chest, the naked morning light shining through the shattered stained glass windows. "Not that you'd know anything about that."
"And who are you?" Chrysalis stood up, eyes searching for her guards. "How did you get past my army?"
"Because unlike some bitches, they know when to run." She flipped her sunglasses down just enough to look Chrysalis in the eyes.
"Big words from such a small pony." Chrysalis sat back and smirked. "Go on then, do your worst."
"I ain't small," Sunset muttered, a smirk playing across her own features. "But then, I guess everything looks tiny with an ass that fat."
"Oooooooh." Muttered the crowd of coocooned ponies.
"I... excuse me?" Chrysalis blinked, her eyes narrowing.
"You are excused. Damn! So that's where the smell's coming from!" Sunset made a show of waving her hoof in front of her nose. "And here I thought your legs really were some stank-ass cheese!"
"Ooooohhh!" Cried the ponies cocooned in the room.
"Oh, very cute." Chrysalis drawled, her scowl turning to an imperious frown. "Go back home. Your mother needs to touch up your mane."
"Oooohhh," whispered the ponies.
"Yeah, and your rats need to touch up yours." Sunset shot right back.
"Oooooohhh!"
"You...!" Chrysalis flushed with fury, before settling her features and rising from her throne. "If that's how you want to play, child, very well." She sauntered a slow circle around Sunset, flicking her nose with her tail. "Let's see how the foal plays with the big girls."
"So, what?" Sunset flicked her own tail right back in Chrysalis's face, not even turning to look at her. "You gonna make my fat jokes for me now?"
"Fat jokes? Is that the best you can do?" Chrysalis swiped a hoof at Sunset's mane. "Maybe that cheap dye job soaked into your brain."
"Ooooohhh!" Went the audience.
"Look who's talking. Though, I guess swamp water isn't technically dye." Sunset grinned as the crowd reeled beneath the sickness of her burns.
"I guess you'd know," Chrysalis purred, changing tack. "But then, I don't spend every morning styling my tail for lifting~"
"Ooooooohhhh!" Howled the crowd, the volume rising.
"Maybe not, but tell me, how does it feel knowing all your boys are rentals, Cadenza?"
"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!" The crowd went absolutely nuts.
"Enough of this!" Chrysalis' horn blazed to life, an instant before she was punted out the window by a combined blast of blue, teal, purple, and gold light.
"Thanks for the distraction, Sunset." Twilight flicked her wings disgustedly, trying to flap off the remaining goop that clung to them. "Uuuuggh, this stuff is worse than paste."
"Truly it is a foul substance." Luna winced as she tugged at her mane, its many stars drenched in mucous and wax. "I will be showering for the next fortnight if thou needest me."
"Thank you Sunset." Celestia smiled, before immediately blanching and spitting out the cocoon stuff she'd gotten in her mouth. "Blegh. Ugh. You truly came through for us when we needed it most."
"It was no problem." Sunset took off her sunglasses, staring at them longingly. "I forgot how much I missed a good smackdown."
"Truly, to raise thy wits against Chrysalis was a worthy challenge." Luna stated, prompting Sunset to burst into laughter.
"Princess," she said, whipping on her sunglasses. "Her skill is so low, she's airborne and I still can't see it."
"OOOOOOOHHHHH!" Went the crowd, everypony lapsing into excited clapping and howling.
After a few minutes, the roar ebbed for an awkward silence.
"So, uh," Twilight began, scratching her mane. "What are you..."
"Oh, uh, yeah, I should..." Sunset made to leave. "I've got midterms coming and..."
"No! I mean, uh, you don't,,," Twilight cleared her throat. "I mean, you're welcome to stay..."
"No, I really should..." Sunset turned, Twilight awkwardly stopping her with a hoof.
"No, you deserve... like, a banq--" Twilight blinked as Celestia made a frantic cut-off motion with her hoof. "Luncheon? Like, a celebratory luncheon?"
"I think this Sunset has earned a proper banquet!" Luna announced at her typical outdoor-indoor voice. "Truly she is worthy of a most heroic reward."
"Luna!" Celestia hissed, facehoofing. "We can't afford a banquet."
"What do you mean we can't afford a banquet?" Twilight asked, all innocent confusion.
"We, ugh." Celestia heaved a sigh. "We've been trying to improve Equestria's defenses. For," --she glanced around-- "obvious reasons, but it turns out our new guard quartermaster was less than honest with his finances. In retrospect promoting a pony named Back Stab to the position might have been a mistake."
"Celestia!" Twilight gasped. "I never thought you were a namist! Shame on you!"
"Oh give it up, Twilight!" Celestia snapped. "My name is Celestia for buck's sake! My sister is Luna! Cadance sings well! Shining Armor's a guard! Name profiling works!"
"My entire life is a sham." Shining whimpered from the ruins of his cocoon, and his identity. "D-did my parents know? Was this their plan?"
"Shhhhh, it'll all be alright." Cadance cooed beside him. "We can get you a new name if you like."
"R-really? Could I be... Corn Dog?" He looked up at her, eyes as hopeful as a puppy's.
"We'll... talk about it. Later." She hugged him again, adding under her breath. "Later like never."
"It still isn't right!" Twilight shouted, completely ignoring her brother's existential crisis. "You can't just pigeonhole ponies because of a few coincidences!"
"A few?" Celestia waved a hoof. "They're all coincidences! All of them!"
"Everypony!" Sunset shrieked, bringing the room to dead silence. "I know where we can have lunch."
In the cafeteria of Canterlot High, Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna stared blankly at a table full of their identical twins.
"I really, really want a transfer," Luna muttered.