• Member Since 16th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 19th, 2016

Slick Dash


E

The festival of siblings has arrived! Princess Celestia has invited Twilight and her friends to join in the celebrations, and with Rarity sick, theres only one other friend who can celebrate; Applejack. While enjoying the party in Canterlot castle and the girls go off for food, Big Macintosh is left to speak with a tall and proud captain of the guard. Join in their convocation of how much their little sisters mean to them as Shining Armour and Big Mac meet for the first time!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 31 )

Sigh no one remembers Pinkie's sisters

If only my little sister could be like that with me...

Oh well, I still have my older sister who acts like a little sister the majority of the time.

I like the idea of this story, but PLEASE proofread! I love to read, but I hate wading through grammatical errors.

d'aww nice ending :heart:

besides some spelling, this is really great! heartwarming even.

573784 it crossed my mind but i couldn't really think of a way to include them :applejackunsure:

Not bad idea right off the bat, but it needs work. There are a few grammar errors, but nothing too big (Canterlot doesn't have the 'te' at the end) just stuff you'd find after double-checking. The biggest glaring issue is the characterization, and the plot. You need conflict in a story to make it interesting, nopony wants to read about two people meeting and out of the blue becoming great friends, that happens every day and it's boring.

For the record, Big Mac and Armour are way out of character. For someone who's lines mostly consist of "Eeyup" and "Nope" he sure is talkative to a complete stranger. As for Armour, you stated "Twilight didn’t think he spoke to many pony’s his own age who weren’t members of his guard squad." For someone who doesn't socialize very much, Armour certainly doesn't show it.

You could've easily made the conflict in the story about Shining Armor trying to get through Mac's shyness and get him to open up a little. Or perhaps Armour says something awkward and offends Mac. The possibilities are limitless here.

I know I sound a bit negative, but if it didn't sound negative I wouldn't be doing my job as a reviewer. So good luck on your next venture, and just keep these things in mind! :raritywink:

The misspelling of Canterlot, lack of capitalization of Rarity and Canterlot, missing apostrophe, misused semicolon (should be a colon), and misused comma (should be a period) in the description are huge turn-offs for me. I don't want to be a grammar nazi, but the description says a lot about what I'm supposed to expect from the story, and frequent grammatical errors is not what you want.

But I will still read the story.

573945 no worries! At least you're giving me strong feed back to work on! Hope you check out the next story i release, working on it now and it does a lot of what you've said today! Hope to see your feed back on that one to prove I can do it :)

573962 there we go, that description's better I hope?

Hmm... a very promising story, and I do like it, but it does have some logical flaws. The biggest is the two stallions' willingness to talk to each other (since as far as we know neither is extremely talkative.. must be a stallion thing), but there might be a few other ones lurking about. On top of that, it just seems so abrupt by comparison... it's decent dialog, but it could use more. The point isn't strong enough from my point of view.

573784

Lol ya I was thinking that

574257 fair enough. :pinkiesmile: has some flaws in it and may need some re-working when i get the chance :derpytongue2: need to sort out the spelling errors as well so will probably add some new parts to make it a bit more subtle as the two get along better as the night goes on in the story.

573941 have them be the djs XD

574382 hmmm, like your style xD

i can see how your trying to not use prounouns over and over but youre kinda over crypitic:unsuresweetie::derpyderp2::rainbowhuh::applejackunsure::yay:.....i love emoticons

574694 i can see that :pinkiegasp::pinkiesmile::pinkiehappy::rainbowwild: i dont mind them either, but yeah kind of :P

I remembered when you first thought this up, you did a good job making two little known characters have good dialogue. Looking forward to the next one, (plus I officially started work on my next fic (Its a bit weird because I'm writing it for language class, Hope my teacher like ponies lol)

575662 thank you :) glad you liked it! I look forward to it!

Hmmm, well its an okay premise, but I just couldn't get into it.

:eeyup: Big Macintosh, if anything, is an excellent exersize(sp?) for any writer to practice body language, facial expressions, and other things like that. Even with the newspaper episode and the Hearts and Hooves day episode, we know Big Mac just doesn't talk much. He's the embodiment of "actions speak louder than words", and seeing him speak so much in a short span just makes it feel awkward. While artistic license can certainly be taken with any character, taking away one of the core features of their personality turns them into their polar opposite. Given that this story is based around an important CONVERSATION, Big Mac was a pretty poor choice, I'm afraid.

:twilightoops: You prolly should've run this through a spellchecker, an editor, or just another set of eyes before you published it. The amount of spelling errors,capitalization flubs, and general structure flaws is staggering. There's a lot of polish to be done to this before it should come to a site like this. I know its very tempting to cut, paste, and post as soon as it's done being typed. I do it sometimes myself, but I always regret it. People are very protective of their ponies, and insist on high-quality stuff if its to be worth their time. Nevermind the content of the story. The structure and general typography needs a helping hoof.

:pinkiesad2: ...and not even CELESTIA remembers Pinkie Pie's sisters. Poor thing.


Keep working at it. This doesn't feel like a finished product. Try again, and it'll get better.

~Cleff

My family are assholes
Jus putting that out there

SPOILER ALERT!!!



knew he needed to try and be sivil
-spacing and spelling problems here.

so he reached out towards Big Mac
-More spacing problems.

“So, what do you want to eat boys?” asked applejack
-Capitalization.

“How so? You may as well explain.”
-Yeah, I am wondering the same thing. Maybe she examines them to find one worthy of her standards? Or maybe she just believes in playing slow, and working hard? A bit like Dash, but "slow" rather than "stopped".

The magenta pony spun round, blushing crimson in embarrassment at being descovered even considering such a purchase.Twililight
-I would think that it would be completely illegal... maybe as a short cut for use with full informed consent, so that two ponies completely fed up with being single could have an arranged marriage arranged by themselves... or for other arranged marriages (I say that Celestia may eventually give Twilight two years notice to find a Stallion, or she will ensure the continuation of the finest unicorn genes she has ever known of by finding on FOR her). In any case I would think that Princess Cadence would take the misuse of such potions PERSONALLY, not to mention Celestia and Luna having outlawed them. Maybe if they only last a few hours they could fall under "extreme, but ultimately harmless pranks".
-Also you are missing a space after the period.

It's an experement'
-experiment

“Well, she might not, But I just might!”
-Unnecessary capitalization.


573941
Just have Pinkie come in via a different route since she was coming from their farm (which I don't THINK needs to be near Ponyville) meet the other four right after they arrive, then run off with her sisters in a flurry of hyperness and never be seen again for the rest of the story.

683766 keep an eye out for that update buddy, will be adding Pinkie in like that probably when I have some time :pinkiesmile: thankyou very much for your feed back! Will ajust the mistakes while i'm at it! :pinkiehappy:

684245
You are welcome.

573945

I agree with this, but I also like this story (and how Shining Armor got Smarty Pants :twilightblush: )

"as far as i know, you,, applejack annd rarity are the only ones with siblings" pinkie has 3 sisters

3983578
I think when this was written the episode with her sister wasn't out yet

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