The Pony Or...?
“Look, Princess, I can explain,” Twilight Sparkle said, panic tinging her voice.
The Princess regarded her quizzically, raising an eyebrow. “Please be honest with me, Twilight. I'm not going to be angry.”
“But I just know you will be!” The panic was growing, and Twilight's breathing was getting faster.
“Calm down, my dear student. Listen, why don't you just start at the beginning and tell me what happened?” Princess Celestia asked, her serene tone never faltering.
Her student took a few deep breaths to steady herself. Having calmed down, she began her story.
“It all started a month or two ago, a little while before Winter Wrap Up...”
“Twilight, I'm so bored!” Spike lamented from his spot on the floor. He had been counting the tree rings in the ceiling.
“Why don't you try reading a book?” I suggested to him. He really doesn't read enough. I mean, I try to get him to read the classics, but I'm beginning to suspect spellbooks aren't terribly interesting for those who can't use magic.
“Ugh, if I have to read one more huge, dusty old book about some ancient Unicorn wizard, I'm going to just walk outside and hibernate for the rest of the winter,” he declared, idly stretching his arms upwards towards the ceiling.
I thought for a moment. Well, I could suggest those books to him, but I've always considered them to be a bit... dulling, intellectually speaking. Sure, they were good for reading when there wasn't anything to study, or on breaks, but there wasn't much to be learned from them.
“So. Bored!” Spike let his hands drop back down, covering his face with them. Well, I couldn't exactly get my studying done with him bothering me every thirty seconds.
“Have you tried anything from the fiction rack over in the corner?” I suggested, trying to keep my place in the book I was reading.
Spike slid his hands off his eyes and rolled his head to look in my direction. “Are you OK, Twilight? You never say anything nice about fiction,” he asked, genuine concern evident in his voice.
“I'm fine! Just because most of what gets printed as fiction is garbage doesn't mean it's all bad,” I huffed. And even if it's bad, it's still better than having you tangled up in my mane all day, I thought.
Unfortunately, it turned out I actually said it aloud in addition to thinking it. “Fine, I guess I'll go look around if you're going to be like that,” Spike conceded, clambering to his feet. “Do you have any recommendations?”
All I could remember about the last piece of fiction that I'd read was the author, and a vague sense of what the title was. I did remember liking it a lot, though. “Try something by... I think his pen name was Anthro Junkie. The title had something to do with... rudeness and waking up, if I recall correctly.”
Spike went off into the fiction section, in search of the book I'd recommended. I didn't give it much thought after that.
“What book did he find, Twilight?” Celestia asked.
Twilight buried her face in her hooves. “He found a... a porn book called Awakened Rudely.” At the mention of the story, Rarity began coughing and sputtering. Fluttershy patted her on the back, but none of their other three friends seemed to take note of Rarity's sudden discomfort. “The one I had read was a similar, teen-audiences story by the same author called Rude Awakening.”
“How did you find this out?”
“Well, that ties pretty directly into why you're here, actually...” Twilight resumed her tale.
Later that night, we were lying in our beds, trying to get to sleep. I had had a few glasses of wine with dinner, at Spike's suggestion. He had assured me that it would go perfectly with the dinner he had cooked, and indeed it had. I don't drink often, and it left me more giggly and tipsy than it normally should have. I am ashamed to admit that Spike actually had to help me to bed.
“Hey, Twilight?” Spike's voice came softly to my ears. I roused a little out of my half-dream. “Are you still awake?”
“Ya, Spike. What do you need?” I yawned.
Silence reigned, briefly. Spike eventually piped up, “Have you ever had sex?”
I should have been as shocked as if I'd grabbed a thundercloud with my mouth, but the combination of alcohol and near-sleep dulled me and I forgot to be surprised. Instead, I answered honestly.
“Nope, not, hic, once.” Not that I hadn't had the ability, mind you! I just had always been too busy for a coltfriend.
When Spike spoke next, his voice was quivering with nervousness. “Would you,” he gulped, “like to try it with me?”
“What'd you say? What'd you say?!” Pinkie Pie chimed in, inches from Twilight's face. The Unicorn leaned back in a desperate attempt to regain some personal space.
“Well, what do you think I told him?” Twilight deadpanned, pointing a hoof at the purple and green egg standing in the middle of the floor. It was striped down the middle with the colors of her mane's stripes.
Twilight went back to hugging the floor, hiding her eyes from her teacher and friends.
“I'm so ashamed... what will I tell Spike when he finds out?” she lamented.
“There, there, Twilight,” Celestia said, walking over to her student. She began rubbing her back with a hoof. “Spike doesn't have to find out, I can adopt it. After all, it is my grandchild,” she revealed, a grin spread across her face.
Twilight's friends made their way out of the library, a fair bit more knowledgeable and very much more shocked, leaving the Princess of the Sun and soon-to-be-grandmother alone with her student-come-daughter-in-law. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie all went their own ways, but Fluttershy and Rarity followed the same path for a bit.
They talked about all sorts of small things. Rarity commented that the weather had been particularly nice lately, and Fluttershy informed her that it was scheduled to rain later in the week. Fluttershy was concerned that Rarity might be putting on a bit of weight, and Rarity assured her it was just a Spring thing. Their chatter continued, avoiding the awkward bit of news they'd just gotten about their friends – and ruler.
After saying their goodbyes, Fluttershy continued towards the edge of the forest while Rarity entered her shop. Rarity closed the door of the Boutique behind her softly, lost in thought. The things she had heard today were deeply unsettling. She hadn't known that dragons and ponies were compatible, much less that ponies wound up laying eggs as a result, and it was horrifying to think about. She didn't think it would be an issue, but better safe than sorry, they always say.
Arriving in her workroom, Rarity gathered some purple, green, and white scraps, then set to building a nest...
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Author's Note:
Sweet Jesus what did I just write.
Brb, gonna go chop off my hands so I can't do this again.
Spoilers and explanations of the various fridge horrors contained herein: Pastebin
Y U NO RUDELY AWAKENED CHAPTER 3
That.... was Interesting?
I never really thought about Twike before.(I think that's the ship's name. I'm still not good with those.) But why in the BUCK, would Spike want to get Twilight Drunk? Why not Rarity?
460535
I think you missed the joke(s)...
OH GOD
FUCK THE WHAT
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
460544
I think I did? I dunno, I had no Idea what I was getting into.
oh god wut?!
WTF me gusta spike
The fact I understood every single word that was in front of me and every concept there is why I like this... That and Twilight dropped a deuce that happened to be a pretty big egg
wait.... if Rarity is building a nest..... oh you dirty sk-
460547>>460581>>460586
My sentiments exactly.
460605
460610
No bueno
It... was... well written... Um...
I'm uncomfortable now.
459961
A very cute story.
460544
There was a joke?
Wasn't he just trying to get her drunk to get under her saddle?
Anyway, well done.
I rarely read non-clop, but this caught my interest.
The only criticism I have is that it probably could have been a bit longer and had a bit more in-depth dialogue. (especially with Celestia)
Good story! Keep writing!
460693
And now, a month or so later, there's an egg on the library floor in Spike and Twilight's colors, and Celestia claiming to be the grandmother... along with another fridge horror later.
460736
You lost me there...
460790
Trying to explain the jokes. Don't worry about it.
DUDE....
460797
It would help to know what exactly it is that's supposed to be the joke...
wtf did i just read all i can say is gross
460797 AND KILL THE JOKE AND EXPLAIN IT ALREADY IT WASNT WORTH BEING TOLD IF NOONE KNOWS srry caps and im to lazy to rewrite nethier though this took more time explaining hten simply doing it and im probly going to end up going on a rant about how im ranting on and on and on until i say screw it heres 5 twilights so anyways its kinda wierd that im doing this instead of just rewriteing it any ways explain the joke oh screw it
threadbombing.com/data/media/2/samuel_L_Jackson.gif
460982
Updated author's note with spoilertastic/explanatory note.
461023 err where do i find the authors note
461046
First comment, as is my modus operendi.
I loled, very humourus, I c what u did there.
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1361_131369890643.png
461702
Because sometimes three in the morning. And because sometimes #fimfiction.
462609
The untold backstory I had in my head when writing this was that Crackle was Spike's father. Celestia does care about all of her subjects, after all.
And don't forget to leave a thumb!
460508 ... even chapter 2 isn't out
462707
Probably because I keep getting distracted by shiny new story ideas. That's why this is only 1200 words: so I could actually get the damn thing published before I came to my senses or got bored.
462747 We cool, dude, I wasn't criticizing you. I was just reminding the guy above that he couldn't ask for a chapter 3 if chapter 2 isn't out
462821
He's just been bugging me about getting RA ch 6 and AR ch 2 done for a week or two now 
He knows, I Skype with him a lot
462833 Jeez. I really don't like this kind of fan, and am glad I have none of those. I mean, I'm really excited for RA's next chapter, but I'm not gonna nag you for it.
471019
My job here is done.
Had to sleep on it but it sounds like a dirty joke I heard at a bar. Is that where you got the idea from? If so, can you give me a link to it? I can barely remember the joke enough to retell it.
That is all.
471972
Nah, this was based on a convo on #fimfiction irc. In the wee hours of the morning when common sense is low.
473103
, but on the other, I don't think normal people should like what I wrote 
I am not sure how to feel about that. On one hand, I like that you appreciate what I wrote
At least it's not as disturbing as my early-morning abomination.
473858
And now, I go to read...
473864
Sorry; it's not online. I'll message you if you're extremely curious.
"This One Time, at Flight Camp" (draft, cancelled, innocent squick)
Gilda asks Dash about pony reproduction, but things get awkward when her less-mature pegasus buddy breaks out the visual aids.
>>ponyaddict
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7biWD21sp2Q
That is all.
DAaaaawwwwwww
1797716
Of all the responses, I'm not sure I've heard "daww" before o_O
>> ponyaddict The story was throughly adorable!
HOW COULD YOU NOT GET A DAWWW UNTIL NOW!?!?!
Also Like and faved
At first I was like:
then 
then 
then 
then 
Strange....yet Awesomeness! But that means spike cheated on rarity!