The foal crusaders are going on a hunt for candy tonight, what kinda sweet candy, and trouble will they get into.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 10th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen March 18th
Matt11
I'm a recently returned writer and plan to release alot of stories again.
Matt11
Joined 10th Jun, 2013 ·
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Awwwwww so cute
That was cute and intersting, but I can't see Diamond Tiara going as a toilet... unless she did it precisely to scare Sweetie Belle.
This doesn't have to do with halloween but this picture has the cutest baby CMC animals EVER! http://beavernator.deviantart.com/art/Wild-Cats-466557965
4846849 NO! I WANTED FIRST COMMENT!!!
Sorry if Imwas mean.
4846871 Sorry
4847343 I don't do trollfics
Well, you tried. But I think you could've added a lot more details to this. Maybe even split it into multiple chapters. It would've made many things, including Sweetie Belle being scared of the toilet, feel more life like.
4846911
Lel, you fucked up your own comment when telling someone they need proofreading. That's fucking funny.
4847476 O.o Oh yeah... Heh heh about that...
Well, if you don't mind I'm going to go face palm repedeatly for my stupidity.
There. Sorry about that.
Way to give Sweetie a toilet complex Rarity.
Potty training will be hell.
TriplePony is right, Matt.
The tense of several verbs shifts from Present to Past and viceversa without any hint of regard about the consecutio temporum.
The punctuation is erratic at best, to the point it changes the feeling of a phrase.
There is very little in the story. You could have at least mentioned a reason for why Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Applejack are following their sisters around during that night, instead of just go and get hammered in a pub offering a discount for cider during Nightmare Night.
The descriptions are kind of dry, thus causing things like SB's fear of toilets feel sudden.
Also, very minor thing: the baby talk is... well, let's say that I am wondering if the CMCs, in this story, have been genetically improved with rat's DNA. Why? Because they pronounce the dentals correctly.
I had no clue what was happening other then some baby talk and trick or treating, this needs a good polish.
4848072 I can't do foal talk very well its to hard and I got paceing issues
4849005 If you needed a proofreader, I could've helped. I can't help with editing, but I CAN help with proofreading.
4847686 Assuming she'll ever want to be potty trained because of her fear.
4850826
I like it an though it was very cute :)
4851936 As did I, but it felt like it could've been better.
4846911 after time of thanking I agree with you it was bad but I figured out my issue on rushing so there will be less rushing on my stories at lest I hope...
4900683 I'm sure you'll continue to improve.
4900683 great!
so freakin adorable!