• Member Since 6th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Alex Warlorn


Just your average Brony who happened upon an idea that might actually turn out to be clever enough for guys to love.


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My Little Pony Pony Friendship Is Magic
Suri Polomare
Deletion
By Alex Warlorn

Suri faces the horrors of being 'deleted' now that she's serve her function as a one-off antagonist is now just taking up disc space.

With BIG help from Kendell2 (this is NOT related to the Pony POV Series IN ANY WAY WHAT SO EVER! So Kendell2 was willing to help with this one BECAUSE it was not part of the Pony POV Series).

2014 06 12 Image by Ichiban Gravity. http://ichibangravity.deviantart.com/art/TFW-444876256

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 40 )

Whew, for a moment there, I thought this was going to end up like Stick to Foaluma, but I'm happy to see I was wrong on that count.

The feels man... the feels.

Yay, Suri redemption!

4540618

I was WONDERING how many would get that. A lot of this was based on bait and switch of my earlier works.


4540883

I'll take that as a compliment.


4541122

Or at least her getting a clue.

4541250 It was meant to be one.

Reminds me of the deletion of Hatsune Miku, title-wise.. I liked it! I'm left wondering if there was any actual substance to trenchcoat-pony, though... Well done! :pinkiehappy:

4541433

THANKS! I take all of that as a compliment.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!:derpyderp1::raritydespair: I feel bad for Suri!!!!! GAAAAAAAAH WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! :fluttershbad:

Nice little twist halfway through. :pinkiecrazy: Ah, Suri... I've seen worse, but better too than you. *Tips hat*

Congrats on getting a non-POV Series story into the feature box!

Heh. This story reminded me of an idea I had to address the idea of what happens to background ponies, given that most of the time they're not ever seen again in the event they're one-offs like Suri. Ended up being far too meta, though, so I never got too far with it.

Anyway, back to this story. I liked it very much, though I found it somewhat difficult in the first part as many of those one/two line paragraphs probably could be condensed into larger paragraphs. The impression that I got from that beginning was that it was from Suri's PoV and those were all thoughts racing through her head in a second-person sense, but I'd suggest condensing it initially and then breaking it apart into rapid-fire sentence paragraphs as Suri isn't totally panicking until maybe a fourth into the story.

Also, the dialogue at times seemed inconsistent. The part halfway with the strike-through text? I don't really see what you were aiming for there. If it was dialogue from a disembodied voice, you probably could just use italics instead for a much cleaner and clearer meaning. Additionally, the last part with Suri, Coco, and Stocky got confusing as it became difficult to keep track of who was actually talking at a few points, along with some needed condensing of non-dialogue paragraphs here and there as well.

Finally, I must admit that the description feels kind of misleading as it sort of puts Suri as in a position of knowing what's going to happen, but from what I got out of the story, she never actually does beyond the building crisis of identity that appears to be more of this story's focus than anything.

Just my take, as I liked the story regardless, but I hope my criticisms can help you out at some point:pinkiesmile:

All I have to say, my friend, is well freaking done. You did this existential crisis justice, in both a meta sense and a story sense. If I could, I'd thumb this up even more, but all I can do i hit it once, and tell others about this story.

There is one thing I'd like to know, though... the ponies in the black coats... the "detectives" as she though they were, and the one that almost deleted her... was that a hallucination of Suri, or did they actually exist in the lore of your story? If they did... will you ever expand upon what they are and why they do what they do?

Personally, I think you should have stick to the first part: minor antagonist created by some mysterious author demiurge, whose purpose has been already fulfilled (similar to Bon Bon And Trixie's Puppet Show) and must face dissolution. The second part has not real connection, and should have been written as a separate fic.

Nice, dude, really nice, apart from some grammar, speech and spelling errors here and there, but nice, man, REAL NICE....

Was suri actually a joke from japanese? I thought thete is a name of Suri in US(from non english country anyway) nice one

That was scary. I had a dream where I died and I couldn't see, couldn't breathe, couldn't move. I was just in blackness. I think not existing is worse.

Multiple spelling & grammar errors aside, I feel about ready to cry now. :pinkiesad2:

Also, who was that stallion telling Suri (Japanese pronunciation of 'three' for a little bit of random trivia) she had no future? :trixieshiftright:

4542825

It was meant to be a subversion of my earlier works, playing on people who had read them before. Suri could have been hallucinating all that.

4542346

Two readers at least feel I should have ended it at the half-way point.

But the mystery is whether what Suri saw and experienced was REAL, or whether what was hounding her was really just her own death instinct being projected into her senses. Either is possible.

4542033

That's what happens when you give some depth to a straw pony antagonist. Suri hints in the episode that she started out as idealistic as Rarity, but things didn't go her way IMHO.

4546287 Well, it was yesterday when I found it here, anyway... But it would seem that it didn't last very long (and didn't maintain enough views to stay there)...

4546362 No, no. That twist was great.

4546362 Yeah, I guess she did need more depth. Sheesh, talk about paranoia. She's really afraid that somepony will turn against her. :derpyderp2::derpyderp1: Well, it's still a good story, even if it did make me switch my beliefs regarding Suri... :twilightsheepish:

Dark Chocolate.

Dark concept, yet happy and sweet ending.

OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

4547242

Know any short fics that start out dark but show the light at the end?

5138544

What does OOF stand for?

5167069
Coco is WAY more forgiving then I am...and making Suri helpless in a way to make her sympathetic...UGH!

5167623

This has more to do with how one-shot antagonists have a habit of vanishing into nothing once they've served their purpose.

Liked that twist. Glad she was redeemed.

5996237

Exactly. I kinda wanted to bait and switch on my readers who thought this was Stick to Foaluma.

Things were getting close to being creepy and the fear factor kept getting up until the climax.

Phew.

And then this heart to heart conversation. Learned many things from it. Thanks

I know I'm late, but I just wanted to say that this story is really well done, the lines, the characters, and the twist was all so great, definately worth reading more than once.

8396129
I felt the OC was too much of an author's mouth piece in retrospect, but I'm happy that Suri's story here works.
What happens to these 'Aesop Villain of the Week' once the episode is over?

8396144
I hope they bring some of these characters back.

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