• Member Since 12th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

General Spritz


I'm writing stories. They will be up eventually.

E
Source

Suri Polomare had every reason to be confident. A little theft here, a little deception there, and Fashion Week was as good as hers.


Too bad she didn't think about the long-pressured conscience of a certain timid assistant.

Inspired by the artwork of muffinshire.

Edit: So I've been told this story was featured. That's fantastic and I love you all for it. For srs.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 150 )

Ha! Oh yeah! Sweet! :rainbowlaugh: That's something that I'd like to see on the show! Good work! This deserve everypony!!! :twilightsmile: :ajsmug: :rainbowdetermined2: :pinkiehappy: :raritywink: :yay:

Now that was absolutely awesome! Excellent work! :raritywink:

"I said that i'm not going to be your pushover anymore, Suri!" Coco stated confidently.
If looks could kill, Suri's intense glare would have given the grim reaper himself some trouble. "Why you no good, self centered, spoiled little foal! Do you have any idea how much time and effort I put into your sorry plot, you ungrateful little-"
In later years, Coco Pommel would look back at this moment as one of the best of her entire life. Indeed, she would take almost every opportunity to tell her foals and grandfoals all about it. At that moment, however, she merely enjoyed the knee-jerk reaction for what it was.
Coco Pommel splashed Suri Polomare in the face with her very expensive and very hot seventeen bit cinnamon Espressino.
Suri spluttered as she rubbed the coffee out of her eyes. She opened her mouth to start her angry retort, but Coco beat her to the punch.
"You, Suri Polomare, are nothing but a heartless, thieving, deceptive witch!"
Suri's eyes opened wide in shock. Even Proper Setting's eyes widened in surprise at the outburst from the normally timid earth pony. But Coco wasn't done. Not by a long shot.
"You are nothing but a tyrant! I worked myself to the bone for you, and not once did i receive a single bit of appreciation! I cleaned your house, I sewed your dresses, I even bought your coffee for you for a full seven months! But all you did was treat me like I was your personal servant! Well I've finally had it!"
Suri stood there flabbergasted, making a decent impersonation of a fish, trying her hardest to make sense of the mare in front of her. Indifferent to Suri's shock, Coco continued venting.
"And what you did to Rarity was even worse! She knew you, Suri! She willingly gave her one-of-a-kind fabric just to help you, and you went ahead and used my talents to steal it from her! You're lucky that she managed to make another set of dresses, because Prim Hemline said you would have been disqualified otherwise!"
As impossible as it was, Suri's eyes widened even further at this revelation.
"That's right! I told Prim Hemline everything! I've had it with the lies, and i've had it with you, you arrogant, selfish, jerk!"
Coco panted furiously as she came down from her energetic tirade. Thick silence permeated the lobby as Suri stood in shock, coffee still dripping from her mane.
After a few moments, Coco let out a huge sigh as she composed herself. She stared into Suri's eyes with a determination never seen in the timid pony before.
"I actually started to believe you, you know..." Coco said firmly. "I never thought that what you did to me was fair, but I always figured that was because you were just toughing me up for the other ruthless designers out there. But Rarity showed me that even though I may have to compete against other designers, I should never take advantage of them. They might not have the same kinds of friends as she did."
"You've ruined the lives of a lot of other ponies, Suri." Coco continued. "Every time you cheated and wormed your way into first place, on MY talents no less, you completely and utterly destroyed their dreams. And I will never forgive you for making me a part of that."
Coco turned around and started walking away, feeling better and happier than she ever had in ages. As she opened the front doors, she glanced back at her still gobsmacked former tormentor.
"I quit, Suri. Go find another toady to suck down your lies."

i4.photobucket.com/albums/y129/ahhelga/clap.gif


Awesome, simply awesome!:pinkiehappy::raritystarry::eeyup:

An excellent novelization of Coco's character buildup. Bravo! :moustache:

Comment posted by Dragonroar deleted Mar 6th, 2014

Ha ha! Suri deserved it!

This was a really good story, and a great insight into what might have happened before Coco found Rarity at the theatre. Suri deserves everything she gets.

I did find some errors, which are detailed below.


Suri at least had the decent to blush at being found out.

decency


"Do either of you know where Miss RIarity could be at this time?" Prim inquired.

Rarity


Suri shook her head. "Sorry Miss Hemline, I don't know where she is. She was her awhile ago, though."

here a while


"And what's worse, the runway model that Miss Rarity pushed over is planning on suing us for her apperent, and I quote, "numerous injuries to her appearance and psyche."

apparent

Also, you are missing the closing quotation marks here. And AFAIK, when one character quotes another that quote is in single quotation marks:

"And what's worse, the runway model that Miss Rarity pushed over is planning on suing us for her apparent, and I quote, 'numerous injuries to her appearance and psyche.'"

I could be wrong, though.


Suri, on the other hand...

If it was me, I would use 'hoof' in place of hand — given that this story is being told from a pony's point of view. But you're the author, so this isn't really my call to make. :twilightsmile:


That's all I could find. I'm sorry to be 'that guy', but I am of the belief that authors cannot better themselves if people don't tell them where they are going wrong.

I would so pay big bucks to see that part in the story (especially the part when she quits)

4042036
Keen eye! I guess that even with a writing app that has spell check, I can still make mistakes, it seems. ^_^;

Fixed all those mistakes right up. And don't worry about being "that guy." Your reasons were good, and I DID ask for it after all.

The story is just very well done but I think you really should change the word 'hand' to 'hoof' because I think it makes much more sense because you are writing the story in the 'Pony' universe.But honestly,you decide for me I think 'hoof' makes much more sense

4043206
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120706093604/mlp/images/2/29/Iron_Will_demands_a_half_day_S02E19.png
Oh look! Hands in my little pony.

Replacing hands in words like 'Handyman" and "handing a thing over" just ends up sounding clunky and forced.

I mean fuck, I remember one story that replaced "handyman" with "Hoofycolt." How in the world does that even look good, let alone sound good?!

Coco let out a designated sign. It was just as well. Rarity was probably already on a train back home by now. Thinking about it anymore wouldn't do anything for her.

sigh, not sign

4043394
Yeeeah, and that's not supposed to be "designated" either. Fixed.

4043322
I get that reasoning, but to me, saying "on the other hoof" didn't quite fit. It would have felt, well, sillier by comparison to me.

Besides, not every word is equinized in the show. Key example, Scootaloo saying "girlfriend" on Hearts and Hooves day.

4043519
Certainly, there are limits to either argument . Like saying give me a hand, while it jives better with the english language, saying Give me a hoof jives better with the ponies. It's all about balance.

4043597
I suppose context matters when it determines what to use. That, and the person writing it as well.

Like a boss, Coco. :rainbowkiss:

Noticed in a few places where some words needed to be capitalized or otherwise changed. I'll copy the document and get it back to you with the fixes in about a week or two.:pinkiehappy:

Other than that, I really enjoyed how you wrote this. After the fixes are made, this will definitely be one of my favorite slice of life stories.

4044910
Well, I'll try my best, but changing stories on my phone is... tricky. Still, I look forward to it!

This was a pretty nice story, but it'd definitely benefit from a once-over by an editor, if you can find someone willing to take the time.

4045458
That, I don't doubt. But keep in mind that this was my very first story ever, after all.

That said, is there a group on this site where people offer themselves to be pre-readers? I imagine there would be.

Well, other than a few capitalization errors that I noticed...

This is one of the best stories I ever read! Way to cheer up a girl!

At the end of all of that, all I can think of is three simple words that could've very well went through Coco's mind:

Seriously though, great story mate, I really enjoyed it. And the funny part is, is that if they had put in Coco's leaving, I'm pretty sure they would use that.

Very nice, and I love the end explaining where that rainbow thread came from, I always wondered that.

4045523 There are a few, actually; I think one of the main ones is The Proofreader Group. There's also Proofreading, Prereading, and Editing and... actually, that's all I found after a quick Google.

I will caution you, though, from what I've heard these groups tend to have a pretty decent backlog of stories. At this point in time, I would probably also recommend against asking your followers or readers if they'd be interested; nothing against you or any of them, but you probably don't have the knowledge of what to look for in a prereader yet, and prereading requires someone with a fair bit of free time and a willingness and ability to be honest to a fault about what they're reading. If you talk to any other authors, you might like to ask if they can recommend anyone for the job. Mostly though, don't get discouraged; this is still a lot better than some stuff I've read (and, probably, written :derpyderp1:), and you will improve if you keep writing. :eeyup:

4046098
Well dayum! You're just a complete pile of awesome helpfulness, now aren't ya? These groups are going to be super helpful! Seriously, thanks a crap-ton. I owe you one, Pinkie Promise.

There are a lot of points in the story where you don't capitalize "I'm".

But this was awesome in so many ways. I live for character pieces like this on this site. Liked and faved. :twilightsmile:

4046841
Yeah, I've finally had enough of those. I went through and cleaned out as many as I could find. Hopefully I didn't miss one!

Excellent! Very awesome story, and the fanart goes perfectly with it

Comment posted by immblueversion deleted Mar 7th, 2014

4048041
Well THAT was emberrasing. Thanks for the tip.

Coco Pommel tells it like it is.

Her name ought to be Coco Pummel, because she just destroyed Suri...

Man.

Coco Pommel is best pony and this story did her justice.

Thank you for the read.

To tell you my thoughts on this fic, I must tell you a story. Years ago, when I was reading One Piece for the first time, I met the villain Enel. He was the first fictional character I wanted to punch in the face, so when it happened I literally shouted 'YEAH!'. Since then, I have met many fictional characters who are so smug and self-centered, and no franchise has provided more than MLP. Blueblood, Diamond Tiara, a few personal fueds, and last but by no means least, Suri. She is actually the worst, because if I hate DT too much I feel bad because she's just a kid, and Blueblood didn't get enough lines or screen time to fully incurr my wrath. While it isn't physical contact, most of my fantasies where I punish them end like this. Now I just need a Heroes of Olympus fic in which Octavian gets kicked in the nuts...

4043519

Tara Strong also slipped up (or didn't, since they didn't have her retry the line) and said 'anybody' in the first episode to feature Braeburn.

[Youtube]

4043597
^Best argument

4045523 Dinoguy is pointing you right, but since this is also your first story, you might wanna check out the School For New Writers. They have tons of articles and stuff to help anyone who wants to improve. New or experienced writers.

I am just SMITTEN by this! Such a wonderful background tale of the two most genius additions to the MLP: FiM-verse. My only qualm with this is Suri's lack of resolution. I mean, sure, Coco's the star on this stage. But a hint--some dialogue, or even a whole scene to Suri herself--would not only thicken the bitch's character, but make this fic feel more complete.

All the same, you've collected a like and fave from this guy!

Well done!

4052301
Well, it certainly looks helpful! Thanks for the link!

Great work here. Have my like. About time someone wrote a story about that cute little mare.

4052703
Always need more Coco. (especially with marshmallows! :raritywink:)

4052693
You're welcome, I love sending folks there. Helped me learn so much about writing!

Clearly some misnatropic, petty, jackanape ass hat has clicked the down vote on this story by mistake

You go, girl! (Or boy.)

I cannot believe this is your first story. The story structure is a bit wonky, but all in all it's fantastic. Well worth the Popular Box.

4052735
Golden rule of the populous; People are Fickle.
I'm actually glad for that thumb down. Keeps me from getting a big-headed ego.

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