- Member Since 20th Jun, 2012
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Game-BeatX14
Pony wallpaper artist, music producer and fanfiction author | Offline Archive
Game-BeatX14
Joined 20th Jun, 2012 ·
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I'll be the first to say it. This story was great fuck the haters.
4420679 lol what haters?....
This really needs a little something afterwards. Maybe a short epilogue of how Soarin changed or something similar? Loved this btw, great job
4420679
Um... no. No, it wasn't.
Well, okay, it was well-written, yeah, by everything beyond that is silly, and if I'm being blunt, just plain stupid.
Why? Why would Rarity do this? Why would a kind pony like her threaten to—and if were lead to believe properly, intend to—rip off someone's dick? Why Soarin? When have they ever had any interaction? If she was so desperate to rape someone, why go through all the trouble of getting someone to cast the cloud waking spell, find a way to get up to Cloudsdale, and sneak into the Wonderbolts locker room just for him? Why did she his herself boobs on her chest? When would she have ever even seen this in Equestria? Why would Soarin, a quadruped who lives in a world primarily inhabited by quadrupeds, be attracted to boobs?
Beyond even all that, the story failed to show what it promised: Soarin being broken. He wasn't, he just gave in. She gave him pleasure, he enjoyed it, and went along. Breaking someone mentally can't be done in five minutes. If you wanted to show that, you'd have to torture him for a long time to get him to fully accept her.
Author, I'm sorry for being blunt, but Rarity is so out of character that it ruins any semblance of immersion. Yeah, I can totally see her having a dominant streak in bed, even to he point of being into BSDM, but a kidnapping rapist who gleefully watches an innocent pony writhe in agony?
Nope.
And even beyond that, as I pointed out, you failed to deliver on your promised plot of mind-break. I hate to say this—mainly because it implies that I want you to do so—but you'd need to drag this out a lot longer for that to be believable.
4420679 Haha, thanks! I was worried when I saw the dislikes rolling in that fast, so I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it.
4420705 Hadn't considered an epilogue, you're right though I probably could have expanded on it a bit more...
Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it!
4420806 As much as it hurt to read that, I appreciate your honesty. At least you gave valid reasons, rather than just saying it sucked without any explanation. That's honestly the first real critique I've had on any of my stories so far, and a thorough one at that.
Sorry that the story left you feeling disappointed, this is my first foray into this genre so it was really experimental for me.
4420993
Eh, it's the issue with trying to write dark clop set in a world of sunshine and rainbows, dude, especially when you have established characters being the antagonist. You have to go waaaaaay out of your way to provide a good reason as to why these characters behave in this way.
If I'm being honest, you actually could make this work, it would just take a while. Show us soarin being abused and tortured, show his resistance and will crumble slowly. As that is happening, as he begs to know why, Rarity exposites how she got this way. I have no earthly idea HOW you would go about showing the prim, dainty mare become a deviant rapist, but hey, I've seen weirder shit. This could even further show how far she's fallen. In fact, if you popped someone else besides Rarity in there, all that wouldn't even be needed. You'd still have to show Soarin's fall, but the antagonist could just be chalked up to random crazy.
The clop bits are competently done, I'll give you that. The tits thing was just jarring as fuck. If you made it anthro, it wouldn't even be an issue. And though my read was a bit of a skim, I didn't notice and massive grammar errors, so yor mechanics are somewhat solid. It's really not THAT bad for a first time attempt. Just try to spend a bit more time on the characters and plot. Remember: the characters are the reason most of us are here. This isn't Rarity; this is Random Marshmellow Unicorn Rapist.
4421120 I admit a bit of exposition on Rarity's behavior could have helped... My biggest problem when writing this story was trying to keep it interesting without dragging it out. Realistically though you're correct, it would have taken longer to break somebody than this. In fact I originally had a section where she started whipping him, but ended up removing it because, despite the premise, I didn't want it to turn into some straight up torture fic. That's really why I turned it around at the end with her trying to pleasure him instead.
I'm glad you at least think it's well written; what I lack in sheer writing experience I try to compensate for by making sure it's competent and without errors, anything less would just be lazy.
Point taken, that was a spur of the moment segment I added (which I personally liked and figured other people might too), but eh. I totally understand where you're coming from.
I legitimately laughed at that.
Thanks for all the feedback dude.
Of all the pairs I've seen I've never seen a soarin and rarity one. Still I really liked this
4421768 Thanks! They're definitely an uncommon pair, that was one of my motivations behind writing this.
4421777 at least I can say I've seen quite a few fics with Rarity being some sort of "mistress" in a sense of speaking XD
4420806 Well I respect your opinion. It's just when something is written that you want to read but the like/dislikes is at the way they are, i was thinking I was about to read something way worse then that. By all means this story is definitely not perfect but in some areas they can be improved.
4420970 Here is my opinions and suggestions on somethings.
-First of since its in Cloudsdale I would have liked to see how Rarity got in or atleast how she left especially tugging a stallion around. If Cloudsdale is anything to believe then having some unicorn just walking around is enough to garner suspicion. It might have made it an extra bit to put in there. Even Rarity commenting on how it went from locker room to Rarity's boutique, would have given people some believability.
-On to Rarity. First things first yes it is ooc for her to be acting like this, but it still could have been played into in several different ways. Having shown some interest in Soarin like a previous interaction and though her point of view would have shed some light on why she thinks Soarin attractive. Also lets not forget Rarity has shown this fangirlesque clingy obessiveness with other character like blueblood and that writer dude. This just takes it to a whole nother level. Though I love femdom stories for their interaction of male and female, this did seem a little off which I'll go into in more detail on Soarin's bit, but anyway I liked some of Rarity's handling of the situation. A little cringing but the whole power play was cool. The tits yes was weird and made me think 'did I forget this was an anthro story cause I am reading that soarin is walking on all fours'. I dont remember if there was an explanation for that or not.
A. If there was not then there should be one. Like if Rarity said along the lines like 'I learned this while reading a romance book about a unicorn and a minotuar' something, so we all can be like 'Oh cool'.
B. If there was it was not immediately notable. Something that could be skimmed over and then giving people the ol' wtf was that for feeling.
Next is Soarin. Yes INITIALLY Soarin was cool in how it played out. Not cool in as he just went with as in Soarin knew some shit was up and couldn't just go with it. The way he rebelled against Rarity, and not truely giving into her advances was good. It also debugged the myth that guys just want to have sex all the time, or are ready at any given moment. Plus point for you! The break down could have been handled better I will not lie. Yes what Jake said was very true. The mind break did not truely happen, and is probably the second biggest falling of the story. Mainly because Soarin kinda went along with it. After he was getting that titjob, he was all in it. It made the story become more about Rarity wanting Soarin for sex (I know this is a clopfic, buttttt.......), and it ties into the whole ooc thing for Rarity. If she was REALLY hung up on Soarin, I think it would be WAY creepier then this in my honest opinion, because....
Rarity is a ROMANTIC in her affairs. This is her wanting to get sex. You could replace this with any stallion OC or not, and you could get this effect, but Rarity wants and desires things. What Rarity wants she works towards, and what Rarity desires she lunges to. Like I said if real Rarity would get that level of obession, we would have yandere level business. As in she loves you, dreams about you, WILL cut Spitfire for saying nice job after practice because she will not steal her man away with petty words! The fact that Soarin was like against would go against what Rarity wants, and she would keep a tighter leash on Soarin. In the end, Rarity would have been a HELLA lot scarier. I got a basic idea and plot based off this story if anyone of you want to collab or just see for opinions just pm me. Also excuse any grammars or spelling errors. I just got off work at night, saw those two replies and thought I got give more feedback. Let me know what you think.
4424138 You make a lot of good points, and I appreciate the detailed explanation.
Sorry I don't have much else to say, you and Jake pretty much covered everything so I'll keep these reviews in mind for future stories.
wow if rainbow saw this rarity would be a dead mare
You have a mind control fetish too?! I find out we have more in common every day. Loved the story!
4472984 Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!
Good story but shouldn,t rainbow dash be the one to rape soarin?
I would think by logic rarity would go for big mac or something.
Hey can you make one where all 6 do this on one stallion?
I am thinking mind control , reverse rape gang bang style.
4537344 I wanted to pick a less common pairing for the story; yeah it would probably make more sense if it was Rainbow Dash, but that's so typical for her to be with Soarin.
Don't really take story requests, but ironically I do have another fic in the works which will involve some female on male gang-banging
truth be told the second part was just me being a smart ass but damn I will be sure to read that lol.
what can I say I have a fetish for female domination with male rape .
if I were soarin in the story I would just created fake thoughts to throw her off course and pretended to agree with her till I had the chance to escape. or threaten with suicide.
then again if I hot woman held me captive I can't really say I WOULD resist he he he.
Momma loves it anyway!
uhh fimfiction stop giving me fetishes please
ok I am not I repeat NOT gonna reed this the description is all I really need to say that this is not Healthy
4913726 considering this is in my little fetish...
6045460 You sick fucker........
4913726 Welcome to the internet.
CURSE YOU RARITY!
SOARIN IS RAINBOW'S SHIPPING PARTNER!
6601909
Let's do it in the PM section, shall we?
4913726
Welcome to the internet, where you'll meet lots of toxic people who r/whoosh you for nothing, and bash racist jokes.