- Member Since 12th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 4th, 2015
Infinty Blade Brony
List of names past: Dovahbrony, Dragonborn of Steel, The Son of Sparda, The Chosen Undead, and Joshua Hawke
Infinty Blade Brony
Joined 12th Jan, 2014 ·
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First of all, I'd like to be hired as your personal critique, I'm hired? Good.
* you want to keep it lower case and civilized.
Now, I saw this pop up and decided 'hey! I'll read it!' So I did.
Great storyline, I like the name 'Dante Quicksilver' Sounds like an assassin to me.
You are the perfect person to describe parkour! I've never seen it done better.
The only thing I noticed that was wrong, when someone is shouting *unless it's pinkie
"Hey, you!"
compared to
"HEY, YOU!!"
See?
Overall, I LOVE the story, you get a like
4229630 Thanks! Love your critique! It's really helping!
I'M...LEARNING!!!
4229647 YUSSSSSSSSSS
4229630 Would you like to know the original idea for his name?
4229717 Yuss! Was it DMC reference?
4229720 His original name idea was Silent Shadow.
4229724 Oooo...oooh
4229724 mmm yum yum
4232479 Thanks!
Yay!
Lets see... Damn. Here's a helpful tip: after a character finishes their dialoge and someone else starts theirs, separate them into different paragraphs. I was
every time I saw that so please fix it in future chapters. Thanks! 
4233133 Okay. Thanks.
I'M...LEARNING!!!
4233137 Awesome. Learn more~!
he stripped off his pajamas AJ had given him and stepped into the shower
For a minute I only saw this:
He stripped---AJ---him---stepped into the shower.
4233143 I think I fixed it. Is it better?
4233144
"Luck, I guess?"
NO STUPID YOU IZ ASSASSIN!
Great story, I agree with the other guy on the separating dialogue, but other than that, Great job keep it up!
4233154 Actually, he doesn't become an assassin until later.
4233169 x3
Dante likes Applejack? >wx........Hmmmm It's kay ;D it ain't my verse x3 weee!!
4237865 But in my verse at this moment I'm a death knight @wx this can't do XD I have a kinda full time job at the time so I wouldn't have time to muck about as an assassin XD.....
4238563 Then yeah, this could be an alternate verse...
4238567 Works for me :3 since I do believe in that theory!
*portal opens and I fall out if it* Owie! Were am I?.....hey isn't this one of Ian's stories? What was it The Assassins Legacy? *sees Dante* yep I'm in that story.
4238938 Dante: Hello, there. You took a mighty fall, I assume, from your bruise?
4238945 Pshaw that's nothing I fell from Cloudsdale into a tree once thank my quick healing that I'm still alive!
*another pony falls out of the portal
Nyx-Owie! Dad were are........hello there....*shes looking at Dante*
4238966 Hello there, little one. Who might you be?
4238971 Nyx-....oh you wre talking to me! Names Nyx!
4238977 Cute name for a cute filly. My name is Dante Quicksilver.
4238990 Nyx-*is blushing* Nice to meet you heh heh.....
Oooohhh my daughter has a crush!
Nyx-NO NO NO! I don't have a crush..nope...nada! *blushing madly*
4239000 Well, that's odd...wait; do you know a colt with a light brown feathered mane with the same name as me?
4239009 Nyx- Yeah you mean my colt friend? Funny thing he has the same name as you......were in a alternate dimension aren't we?
Yep.
Nyx- This can't end well.
4239013 Yes, well; in this dimension, I'm seventeen, and engaged to Octavia.
4239020 Nyx- What's with the black line?
I dun know I can't tell what he just said.
Nyx- All I got was that he was seventeen.
4239023 Move your cursor over the black bar to see what it said.
4239027 I dun have a cursor I'm using a IPad
4239034 ...I'll PM you, then.
KAMAKAZEEE!
4244104 What?
4244106 KAMAKAZEE
4244110 I don't understand...
Well if you portray what is going to happen well enough, someone might just do that
4244121 Might just do what?
4244125 Make a game on it. *nods* I mean, it has happened before.
4244129 Really? So, you think I got a shot?
4244131 *nods* Just make sure you desscribe the conflict that is going to happen with enough details for someone who can do this to make the game. Describe the places, the people, everything.
4244139 Wow. You...are a true friend...to give me that little boost of confidence it...it makes me cry, you know? Excuse me for a sec...
4244142 *smiles and nods* Grazie
4244144 Okay, I just came back from wiping the tears off my face.